Sadly, we were already in the grip of a mental health crisis caused by trends in Australian society featuring shrinking households, greater tendency to be more mobile severing old-fashioned neighbourly friendships, the rate of separation and divorce, decreasing birth rate where we compensate with more pets instead (which isn’t all bad!) and the information technology boom that has us feeling more connected than ever before but more apart from each other! Enter a pandemic then forced isolation and we ‘stack’ a sense of global fear to already high anxiety levels for many Australians. As a human race, we are designed relationally and thrive on interaction with others. Loneliness is said to be in the top three social challenges facing Australia. We are created relationally; humans are social beings. When we feel loved, secure and attached to people and our surroundings, we flourish. Look beyond the real symptoms of anxiety and you’ll see the social fragmentation behind it. In my experience, loneliness and disconnection is the root cause of addictions. Whilst it’s not all bad and we can use technology as a force for good such as using teleconferencing platforms to host a new Book Club or craft, Social Media “Watch parties”, chat groups, online exercise competitions and so on. What this doesn’t cater for, is touch. This was highlighted by a client who was incarcerated for two years. He painfully described the devastating impact of the warmth and reassurance we take for granted from just a pat on the back or an “It will be ok” rub on the arm, let alone longing for that oxytocin inducing six-second hug. My Mum realised the power of connection from holding hands throughout 60 years of marriage she still misses so much since Dad died. We don’t realise how much touch communicates positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. Consider those elderly, isolated or unwell without the language of touch. I’m hearing of isolated virus-stricken patients dying alone quarantined in overseas hospitals without their loved ones. Interestingly, I’ve become so accustomed to individuals rating themselves very poorly after they realise their cat or dog receives a far greater, attentive loving greeting than their intimate partner. That unconditional love from your ball of furry goodness that doesn’t whine about the unwashed dishes is inexplicable joy. Being forced to walk an energetic dog longing for some action is an obvious benefit. Even those who pop that cat or small designer pup into a pram are still out exercising their lungs for the greater good. Dog owners can continue to enjoy socialisation at the doggy park or on the beach with the fresh air whilst getting physically fit and still meet the six feet social distancing suggestion. Whilst the various research over the decades lack conclusive evidence that owning a pet translates to mental health, it makes sense that pet owners would have high levels of self-esteem, are less fearful and lonely. Those that consider their pet as a “family member” benefit immensely from the love and connection that brings. During fearful times of doomsday reports and social distancing, those that live alone or in a small household can enjoy the sense of purpose that pets contribute. To experience the warm snuggle of a larger pet to a hungry, chirping budgie all contribute to a sense of belonging and purpose that otherwise could contribute to spiralling loneliness and depression. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Last week I highlighted the importance of down-regulating your stress response to fear in ensuring your best chances of a healthy immune system.Let’s assume you’re now intentionally calm despite the nagging concern in the pit of your stomach of where your next packet of pasta is coming from.
The majority of everything has been cancelled. You’ve been relieved of the hectic child taxi service, the gym, footy club or whatever your “thing”, is closed until further notice - there’s nothing on and finances might be tight. The sound of crickets are chirping except for the tap of your keyboard or phone, working from home. You turn around to see someone who seems rather nice working nearby on their PC at your kitchen bench who says their you’re spouse! How about that? It’s involuntary reconnection time. With dismay, you realise this is potentially the longest and most time you’ve ever spent together. Enter the rambunctious children home from school. Now what? Yes, you love them all but the tension is definitely on the cards so here are my top tips during social distancing:
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources including Great Ideas and Workbook to Stockpile solutions for super mental health throughout isolation at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com How do you cope with the unknown? What behaviours do those of you in a relationship find your partner exhibit when fearful? Do you have a child who surprises you with bizarre and unsettling responses to change or feeling scared?
In these unprecedented times of a pandemic with terrifying updates bombarded so easily accessible to our hand-held devices at lightning speed, we can be shocked by other’s response to fear. I even surprise myself sometimes. Some are scoffing at selfish food hoarders or doing it themselves. Some are even violent in the traffic or at the shopping centre. Others are bingeing til the wee hours riveted to news feeds of doomsday media reports that may be ambiguous, exaggerated as well as realistic? There are those with their “head in the sand” and you know the ones incessantly chatting to their co-workers about all the “What if’s” and the conspiracy theories. Stockpile this then to another perceived horror for those poor souls who’ve realised they will be held captive in isolation with not only their children but their spouse at home at the same time for a longer time than ever before. “Some” is the key word here as for many introverts this is a dream come true where they can enjoy some healthy alone time amongst their family who respect their space! Some even relish and love the company of their family – in small doses! Overall, this is all understandably frightening. My heart and concern to those with a compromised immune system, the elderly and those already suffering an illness or this virus. As with all aspects of life – how can we approach this situation whilst adopting the necessary hygiene precautions and giving ourselves the best advantage possible? We achieve a balance on fear. Did you know that fear can be more dangerous than the virus? Toxic over-thinking, particularly focussing on misinterpreted information is detrimental to your health. When your body operates under constant cortisol overload in stress, the blood vessels to your heart constrict with less oxygen to the brain. We need healthy stress, but the detrimental reaction under pressure from too much toxic stress too often will have you more vulnerable and susceptible to disease. Being overly anxious can lead to the “nocebo effect”. That is, the negative thoughts of the situation becoming a more negative effect that it otherwise would have. For most of us, we may become unwell and suffer the standard symptoms and recover. As we negotiate this unchartered territory, I ask that you down regulate your stress response by looking outwards with respect and kindness. More than ever do we rely on our health workers. How can we help support their families? Can you deliver food stores to your elderly neighbour (be ok with them disinfecting it at the door). Turn your fear into good and your brain will induce a feel-good positive response instead. More on How do I cope with my partner in self-isolation? next week. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources including Great Ideas and Workbook to Stockpile solutions for super mental health throughout isolation at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Great relationships feature a healthy sense of self, independence and interdependence. This means you have flexibility, reciprocity without controlling behaviours. It can be a delicate balance that may have you relying on or conforming to your partner too much, leaving you without purpose or direction. Alternatively, too much independence can leave you living like flatmates, with little support and no chance of attaining joint goals. When there is a mutual recognition and respect for personal space and individuality, your intimate relationship flourishes. When you've achieved that wonderful balance, your relationship features:
Throughout my years of counselling, I notice these common themes when couples go askew:
How do we achieve the golden balance?
Recognise you're not designed to be the shadow of your spouse, nor their dictator. You were created with the freedom and responsibility to complement them. When you enjoy this wonderful balance, you're free to express your thoughts, feelings and desires. You can stand firm when your principles and values are compromised. You also openly welcome the opinions of your partner and remain considerate of alternative perspectives besides your own. Regularly find this synergy and you both shine as an even better version of yourselves, grounded in mutual admiration, encouragement and respect. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup discussing her weekly Sunshine Coast Daily relationships column. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com We’ve been getting down and “naked to the soul” throughout the recent month. I’m unveiling all those major inhibitors to intimacy in this series and today is a wrap up of what has inspired incredible interest from the community. It is an honour to share insight from the counselling room on common snags to the secure connection and love we deserve in order to spread the love for everyone! Last month I recognised four main categories:
Today I present the overarching theme of being “naked to the soul”. It would be safe to stay that our human nature default status is a lack of appreciation for ourselves. Even worse, self-deprecation and toxic self-loathing. It takes effort to keep abreast of the spiralling anxious thoughts that feed this. In society, talk yourself up or display too much self-promotion – you’re arrogant, conceited and “full of yourself”. In reality, we thrive on encouragement, positive reinforcement and the connectedness from others to “have our back”, particularly when life gets challenging. If I were to blatantly stereotype, many men will derive status from their achievements along with power from sex. A lot of women feel validated for their appearance and sense of belonging and acceptance when in a relationship. I note we do have unique “mosaic” brains so everyone features their own blend of longings. When we “strip back” our work, our interests, our looks and who we are with, it’s worth reflecting on exactly, Who am I without my money, job, my partner or other avenues I rely on for validation?” “Who do I represent?“ “What do I stand for?” and “What do I long for?”. Do we miss out on complementing each other in healthy partnerships because we overlook what’s really inhibiting intimacy? The recognition of our design for love, acceptance and belonging for being ourselves with all our flaws and raw spots? Are we scared of what will see in ourselves when not covered by our “things”. You deserve to ask (in the appropriate way) for your desires, recognising you’re an amazing work in progress and be accepted for your short-comings. Have the courage to turn up bare in your relationship, naked to the soul. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com I love the meaning of a leap year day on the weekend which perfectly blends with my current relationship series, “Intimacy Inhibitors”. Head to my blog for this series where so far I’ve covered:
A Leap Year Day, gives the earth additional time to complete the full circle around the sun. If we didn’t add leap days, each calendar year would be increasingly out of alignment and begin about six hours before the earth does its entire journey. Our time would slowly drift apart from the tropical year and we would get out of sync with the seasons. Americans would be eating Thanksgiving turkey in summer! What does that have to do with intimacy? Alignment. When we’re not regularly checking in with our partner, aligning with your each other’s needs, challenges, hectic schedules, children’s discipline and forward planning – we’re increasingly out of sync. Examples of when this intimacy inhibitor features in my counselling room is when:
I realise you can’t anticipate every step of life together, however it is worth having a decent crack to avoid constantly falling into the potholes of misalignment. Why does your mechanic check the wheel alignment? It avoids unnecessary wear on your tyres, steering, suspension and brakes. The key word here is “unnecessary” - why would we drift apart unnecessarily without harmonizing each other’s sexual flavours, spirituality, personal development, goals and dreams? A great reminder today is to leap on in and arrange that alignment catch-up with your partner for a forecast of sunny days ahead! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com The Noosa Festival of Surfing commenced on the weekend here with nine whole days of beautiful waves, boards, beaches, and surfing. Now this, is what the Sunshine Coast is all about. I have therefore teamed it with nine hot tips to overcoming your biggest block to deeply connected relationships in this Intimacy Inhibitors series.
This series is designed to rescue you from drowning in the ho-hum boring drum of flat conditions featuring less than fulfilling relationships with unnecessary large reef rocks to enjoying connection and deep love. If you're methodical like me and need order, click on these previous articles, where I've covered: Alongside the endless list of common human fears of sharks, jellyfish and needles in the sand is fear of rejection. It's an invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time with devastating effects of being alienated, disappointed and lonely. This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is subsequently made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it’s a massive inhibitor to reaching out and enjoying closeness. What do we do about it? We harness the power of our mind which is fabulously renewable, neuroplastic and fundamentally, changeable! You are not a victim to the tides that come and go to helplessly drift with the unhelpful decisions and beliefs of your past. Here are your 9 Mind Management strategies for fear: 1. Check your antenna frequency (refer to the first article in this series) 2. Tune in to your internal newsreel? What fearful words are you speaking into your life when you wake, washing the dishes, driving or surfing? 3. Write them down and consider when and why you bought into any of those toxic thoughts. 4. Write down three decisions you made as a result of these experiences to avoid future pain. 5. Validate your ingenious inherent design to adopt these self-preservation behaviours. 6. Write down three ways these decisions are not helping you enjoy intimacy and true closeness? 7. What three or more feelings do they evoke? 8. Ask yourself the benefit of bravely expressing them to someone? 9. Write down what life-giving, motivating and nurturing words you could be speaking into your life instead and ensure they infiltrate your world. So drop into these 9 steps to approaching the exhilarating ride of intimacy. It won't always be a perfect 10 and there will be a few wipeouts. Like any new skill, it requires repetition and you'll be stoked with the results. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com What are you scared of? Spiders, snakes, dogs, heights, flying, enclosed spaces, needles, storms? The list is endless of what frightens the heck out of us. What about the one we can’t physically see that’s on top of the list of what petrifies humans (according to me)? What is this invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time? Rejection. And what does rejection cause? Fear. I’m spearheading through my first series for your 2020 – “Intimacy Inhibitors”. It’s designed to stop you in your tracks to ensure you’re not sabotaging your relationships with unnecessary road-blocks to your intimate relationship. These inhibitors are evident in my counselling room over and over again so why not cut your mistakes short and enjoy insight from the progress achieved from countless courageous clients over the years? I’m longing for you to be “naked to the soul” in realising your true design to enjoy being with another special person and all the vulnerability that goes with it. I acknowledge the importance of feeling safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. This doesn’t necessarily apply to just intimate partners but allowing our friends and family in. You flourish when you allow people into your inner world. Why would you do this? Because you fair much better when you share the load. Your brain lights up when you compassionately support someone else. You navigate the world knowing someone has got your back despite your flaws, failings and mistakes. Why don’t we do this?
Fear and rejection. I can guarantee everyone on this planet has suffered rejection and all the devastating effects of being alienated, disappointed and lonely. This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it’s challenging to reach out and enjoy closeness. What do you do about it? Realise your default personal news reel. After over a decade of counselling I’ve come to realise, no matter your charmed or compromised background, human nature sadly and too easily defaults to worthless self-talk. If we allow life’s whacks, clobbers and thrashings to permanently wire us to avoidance, we are trapped in pain and isolation. We’re more likely to judge and criticise others to deflect the perceived short-comings from within - all rooted in fear. I look forward to stepping you through some steps to overcoming fear - this massive inhibitor to intimacy next week. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Depending on when you read this you’ve got approximately three days to get your act together for Valentine’s Day. If you were born without a romantic bone in your body, you’re usually in strife. If you’re single, it could all be, well be rather sucky. If you’re a florist, chocolatier, restaurateur or in retail, you’re likely looking forward to that well earnt boost! As for me, meh! I could take it or leave this commercialised day of forced displays of love. I’d rather like to think it’s more of a spontaneous and consistent effort throughout the year. Valentine’s Day intertwines beautifully with my current “Intimacy Inhibitors” series for those in a relationship. Before I drop the one main cause that inhibits intimacy and being ‘naked to the soul’ next week, today I’m addressing apathy. Apathy is what allows your bike to get rusty, your gutters to overflow and your waistline to spill over your jeans. Apathy can also happen to your relationship if you’re not consistently attending to it. Life challenges will understandably get in the way sometimes, however you’re one true love should be at the forefront of your maintenance list on top of your car service, fuel refill, eyebrow waxing and lawns. I mentioned last week, the importance of feeling safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. It’s so easy however to snag that good-looking, hot hunk or babe you want to spend the rest of your life with, then allow work, your own interests, friends, family and habits to take precedence. Apathy isn’t just a feeling, it’s an attitude that could be described as detachment, dispassion and indifference. If you’re stuck in this zone in life, seek an outside professional perspective for living life to the fullest. If your apathy is only toward your relationship, also time to get some strategies from the experts! If you’re like me and prefer not to profess your undying love on just this one day, why not make this week a new chapter in your life to commit for on-going repair and maintenance. You can head to my website for free resources if you’re stuck for date ideas, ways to communicate and what to say. There’s even a list of romantic ideas for each day of the month and be gone with apathy! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on the Morning Wakeup on radio Salt 106.5 in every Friday from 6am and in her “Is This Love” Podcast, download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com School is back in, Aussie trade in full swing, Valentine’s Day florists soon go “ka-ching”, ... and for me – great timing! Yes, it’s a fabulous time of year for my latest and greatest momentous topic of utmost importance for your 2020, drum roll… “Intimacy Inhibitors”. Turn the pages to this section of this magazine in recent years and you’ll be well familiar with my frequently used term, “we are designed relationally”. That is, we feel safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. Turn the pages of your life, and you’ll recall your highlight reel features sharing great moments with others, feeling loved, valued or appreciated. There are so many themes around this topic in the counselling room. I can’t wait to share with you some wonderful insights to giving and receiving the love you deserve. Where do we start? We get “naked to the soul”. Sounds a bit rude, however this is more about getting authentic with your own needs and turning on your “attachment antennae” to a healthy frequency. This wonderful analogy was gifted by authors and practitioners, Kallos-Lilly and Fitzgerald in their contribution to Emotionally Focussed Therapy. They explain those who’ve enjoyed positive childhood experiences of connecting with their parents of caregivers naturally tend to extend this to their romantic relationships. Those who’ve experienced a less than ideal childhood can feel a sense of loss and emptiness for what was missed. As a result, our inherent need to survive and feel safe prompts some people to turn up their antennae or alert button to rejection from others. They can be hyper-sensitive to feelings of anxiousness when they sense others might let them down. They can be clingy and needy or try to control their partner to keep safe. Alternatively, those who keep their antennae turned down too low ensures they stay independent, avoid closeness and keep their distance. Both frequencies are their best attempts to cope to avoid the insecurity from a threatened bond with those closest and dear. Understanding the needs of such anxious or avoidant behaviours is a helpful head start to appreciate and respect their need for space or responsiveness. I look forward to revealing further aspects of being “naked to the soul” next week. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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