Last week I highlighted the importance of down-regulating your stress response to fear in ensuring your best chances of a healthy immune system.Let’s assume you’re now intentionally calm despite the nagging concern in the pit of your stomach of where your next packet of pasta is coming from.
 
The majority of everything has been cancelled. You’ve been relieved of the hectic child taxi service, the gym, footy club or whatever your “thing”, is closed until further notice - there’s nothing on and finances might be tight. The sound of crickets are chirping except for the tap of your keyboard or phone, working from home.
 
You turn around to see someone who seems rather nice working nearby on their PC at your kitchen bench who says their you’re spouse! How about that? It’s involuntary reconnection time. With dismay, you realise this is potentially the longest and most time you’ve ever spent together. Enter the rambunctious children home from school.  Now what?
 
Yes, you love them all but the tension is definitely on the cards so here are my top tips during social distancing:

• Keep to routines: safety and security can be found in keeping as much the same as possible. Get up and dressed at the same time. Similar recess and lunchtimes for any children at home can be calming.
• Allow space: respect everyone’s need for alone time or quiet space to work. Establish clear boundaries for working areas so everyone stays sane.
• Allocate responsibilities: everyone is now dishevelling items more often, so everyone gets more allocated tasks to tidy - no matter their age. Invite your imaginary disrespectful family member,  “Feral Cheryl” over. Everyone can loudly blame any mess on this undomesticated person to avoid pointing the finger. Hopefully, the culprit will still get the message.
• Reach out: “Social isolation” is not “social disconnection”.  Your community is still easily accessible via social media to check-in on others and anticipate what neighbours might need. Pick up the phone to be an attentive listener to others worries. What a gift you could be.
• Laugh: You won’t have to scroll too long for plenty of chuckles from memes or videos. It is healthy and still ok to laugh. The creativity to create laughs around this topic has been next level. Make your own wacky clips – you might be the next online sensation.
• Exercise: is the best anti-depressant/anxiety medication on the planet. Pump that heart rate for at least 30 minutes a day. Skip, jog on the spot or email me your daggy dance clips please.
• Entertainment: schedule in games, quizzes, conversations cards – gosh who knows what fascinating tidbits you’ll find out?
• Personal Development: More time than usual? Use this golden opportunity to read or listen to audio books of inspiring authors whilst pruning the garden? Turn your most challenging times into evaluating how you can learn to healthily respond to fear or uncertainty.
• Support a health worker: we all know someone. Offer messages of support and check-in on those tirelessly caring for others and often at risk.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources including Great Ideas and Workbook to Stockpile solutions for super mental health throughout isolation at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

​How do you cope with the unknown? What behaviours do those of you in a relationship find your partner exhibit when fearful? Do you have a child who surprises you with bizarre and unsettling responses to change or feeling scared?
 
In these unprecedented times of a pandemic with terrifying updates bombarded so easily accessible to our hand-held devices at lightning speed, we can be shocked by other’s response to fear. I even surprise myself sometimes.
 
Some are scoffing at selfish food hoarders or doing it themselves. Some are even violent in the traffic or at the shopping centre. Others are bingeing til the wee hours riveted to news feeds of doomsday media reports that may be ambiguous, exaggerated as well as realistic? There are those with their “head in the sand” and you know the ones incessantly chatting to their co-workers about all the “What if’s” and the conspiracy theories.
 
Stockpile this then to another perceived horror for those poor souls who’ve realised they will be held captive in isolation with not only their children but their spouse at home at the same time for a longer time than ever before. “Some” is the key word here as for many introverts this is a dream come true where they can enjoy some healthy alone time amongst their family who respect their space! Some even relish and love the company of their family – in small doses!
 
Overall, this is all understandably frightening.  My heart and concern to those with a compromised immune system, the elderly and those already suffering an illness or this virus.
 
As with all aspects of life – how can we approach this situation whilst adopting the necessary hygiene precautions and giving ourselves the best advantage possible?
 
We achieve a balance on fear. Did you know that fear can be more dangerous than the virus? Toxic over-thinking, particularly focussing on misinterpreted information is detrimental to your health. When your body operates under constant cortisol overload in stress, the blood vessels to your heart constrict with less oxygen to the brain. We need healthy stress, but the detrimental reaction under pressure from too much toxic stress too often will have you more vulnerable and susceptible to disease. Being overly anxious can lead to the “nocebo effect”. That is, the negative thoughts of the situation becoming a more negative effect that it otherwise would have.  
 
For most of us, we may become unwell and suffer the standard symptoms and recover. As we negotiate this unchartered territory, I ask that you down regulate your stress response by looking outwards with respect and kindness. More than ever do we rely on our health workers. How can we help support their families? Can you deliver food stores to your elderly neighbour (be ok with them disinfecting it at the door). Turn your fear into good and your brain will induce a feel-good positive response instead.

More on How do I cope with my partner in self-isolation? next week.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources including Great Ideas and Workbook to Stockpile solutions for super mental health throughout isolation at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Great relationships feature a healthy sense of self, independence and interdependence. This means you have flexibility, reciprocity without controlling behaviours. It can be a delicate balance that may have you relying on or conforming to your partner too much, leaving you without purpose or direction. Alternatively, too much independence can leave you living like flatmates, with little support and no chance of attaining joint goals.

When there is a mutual recognition and respect for personal space and individuality, your intimate relationship flourishes.

When you've achieved that wonderful balance, your relationship features:

• Friendship
• Ongoing affirmation, encouragement and adoration
• Sexual intimacy and mutual gratification
• Respect for differing values
• Time together and time apart
• Mutually enjoyable activities as well as different interests
• Active help for others but not to the exclusion of your partnership
• Support when your "chips are down”
• Trust

Throughout my years of counselling, I notice these common themes when couples go askew:

• One or both partners suffer from low sense of worth, they can experience a "primal panic” of neediness when the other seeks time alone or with other friends.
• An absence of trust, either from experiences from the current or previous relationships that undermine the ability to allow or enjoy freedom.
• Unequal power structures where one is too dominant. It thwarts the other's authenticity of which they usually revolt against in time.
• Important values such as religion, family culture or parenting styles are not supported or encouraged and it's causing distress.
• Life cycles such as starting a family can result in mothers losing time alone, financial freedom and lack of inclusion in major decisions.

How do we achieve the golden balance?

• Evaluate your sense of worth that supports healthy boundaries to assertively seek time out and ask for quality time together.
• Do you lack boundaries that allow your partner to be too dominant?
• If you're told you're too controlling, consider what needs you're seeking to meet to govern your spouse's life.
• Can you rebuild broken trust in this relationship or do you need to heal from the scars of hurt from the past?

Recognise you're not designed to be the shadow of your spouse, nor their dictator. You were created with the freedom and responsibility to complement them.

When you enjoy this wonderful balance, you're free to express your thoughts, feelings and desires. You can stand firm when your principles and values are compromised. You also openly welcome the opinions of your partner and remain considerate of alternative perspectives besides your own. Regularly find this synergy and you both shine as an even better version of yourselves, grounded in mutual admiration, encouragement and respect.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup discussing her weekly Sunshine Coast Daily relationships column. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

We’ve been getting down and  “naked to the soul” throughout the recent month. I’m unveiling all those major inhibitors to intimacy in this series and today is a wrap up of what has inspired incredible interest from the community. It is an honour to share insight from the counselling room on common snags to the secure connection and love we deserve in order to spread the love for everyone!
 
Last month I recognised four main categories:

• The frequency of your “attachment antennae”? 
• Apathy
• Fear of Rejection
• Misalignment

 
Today I present the overarching theme of being “naked to the soul”.
 
It would be safe to stay that our human nature default status is a lack of appreciation for ourselves. Even worse, self-deprecation and toxic self-loathing. It takes effort to keep abreast of the spiralling anxious thoughts that feed this.
 
In society, talk yourself up or display too much self-promotion – you’re arrogant, conceited and “full of yourself”. In reality, we thrive on encouragement, positive reinforcement and the connectedness from others to “have our back”, particularly when life gets challenging.
 
If I were to blatantly stereotype, many men will derive status from their achievements along with power from sex.  A lot of women feel validated for their appearance and sense of belonging and acceptance when in a relationship. I note we do have unique “mosaic” brains so everyone features their own blend of longings.
 
When we “strip back” our work, our interests, our looks and who we are with, it’s worth reflecting on exactly, Who am I without my money, job, my partner or other avenues I rely on for validation?” “Who do I represent?“ “What do I stand for?” and “What do I long for?”.
 
Do we miss out on complementing each other in healthy partnerships because we overlook what’s really inhibiting intimacy? The recognition of our design for love, acceptance and belonging for being ourselves with all our flaws and raw spots? Are we scared of what will see in ourselves when not covered by our “things”.
 
 You deserve to ask (in the appropriate way) for your desires, recognising you’re an amazing work in progress and be accepted for your short-comings. Have the courage to turn up bare in your relationship, naked to the soul.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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