Welcome to my “Intentional Relationships Series” where you’ll get great ideas on how to “level it up” for that thriving and dynamic relationship.
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Great relationships feature a healthy sense of self, independence and interdependence. It can be a delicate balance that may have you relying or conforming to your partner too much, leaving you without purpose or direction. Alternatively, too much independence can leave you living like flat-mates, little support and have no chance of attaining joint goals. When there is a mutual recognition and respect for personal space and individuality, your intimate relationship flourishes.
 
When you’ve achieved that wonderful balance, your relationship features:

• Friendship
• Ongoing affirmation, encouragement and adoration
• Sexual intimacy and mutual gratification
• Respect for differing values
• Time together and time apart
• Mutually enjoyable activities as well as different interests
• Actively help others but not to the exclusion of your partnership
• Support when your “chips are down”
• Trust

​Throughout my Counselling, I notice these common themes when couples go askew:

• One or both partners suffer from low sense of worth, they can experience a “primal panic” of neediness when the other seeks time alone or with other friends.
• An absence of trust, either from experiences from the current or previous relationships that undermine the ability to allow or enjoy freedom.
• Unequal power structures where one is too dominant, it thwarts the other’s authenticity of which they usually revolt against in time.
• Important values such as religion, family culture or parenting styles not supported or encouraged causing distress.
• Life cycles such as starting a family can result in mothers losing time alone, financial freedom and lack of inclusion in major decisions.

How do we achieve the golden balance?

• Evaluate your sense of worth that supports healthy boundaries to assertively seek time out and ask for quality time together.
• Do you lack boundaries that allow your partner to be too dominant?
• If you’re told you’re too controlling, consider what needs you’re seeking to meet to govern your spouse’s life?
• Can you re-build broken trust in this relationship or need to heal from the scars of hurt from the past?

 
Know that you’re not designed predetermined to be the shadow of your spouse, nor their dictator! You were created with the freedom and responsibility to complement them. When you enjoy this wonderful balance, you’re free to express your thoughts, feelings and desires. You can stand firm when your principles and values are compromised. You also openly welcome the opinions of your partner and remain considerate of alternative perspective besides your own.
 
Regularly find this synergy and you both shine as an even better version of yourselves grounded in mutual admiration, encouragement and respect. Next week: Are you withholding love in your relationship?
 
Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

You’ve fallen hook, line and sinker if you’ve bought into the belief you can cruise through a relationship without a disagreement. In fact, there is plenty of evidence that much of our conflict is caused by personality differences and values that are unsolvable. They’re inevitable!
 
It’s not uncommon for couples I work with to openly admit they avoid conflict at all costs. Unfortunately, it can become increasingly icey below the surface, resentment sets in and the iceberg grows too large for the ship to navigate around.
 
When supporting couples, it’s important for me to help them understand factors such as their key underlying emotions and triggers during conflict however here are some thoughts you can consider first:
 
Realise what it is you’re arguing about.
It’s a value difference. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about two people who have two different thoughts and opinions. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the other person and usually no one has malicious intent. You’re a human being trying to get along with another human being. It’s quite ok not to agree 100% of the time.
 
Work out how important it really is to each of you.
Rank on a 1-10 scale for realistically of “How much this means to me?” For one of you, what luggage to buy for your trip might be very important. For the other, it might be fairly irrelevant and more about criticism, financial values or seeking to be heard.
 
Find out why it’s that important.
If someone lists their choice to cruise around the Medditeranean versus fishing in Darwin as anything over a two or a three, there’s probably a reason. Listen to that reason. Show empathy to your partner as well as active listening. Avoid “correcting” their reasoning. And it goes the other way as well. If the issue’s not important to one of you and you’re just happy to be together, but they keep arguing it, find out why. What’s this really about?
 
Recognise you’ve been triggered: Own the reality that you might not know why it is so important – but it is! Be present with yourself, take a deep breath and check-in with your ego that might be hungry for a feed?

Keep it focussed.
Don’t bring other issues or arguments into your current conversation. That goes for any disagreement, ever. If you find that you can’t address how long you should travel for without mentioning what happened last week, guess what? That’s likely an issue you need to be addressing next.
 
Work as a team to find a solution.
Sometimes there might need to be more of a respectful compromise. Maybe the person who’s super invested in the holiday can be the researcher, and the other person will take control of the financial aspect. Whatever the solution, work together and show kindness the same as you would your neighbour or friend.
 
Everyday value differences are one of the most common problems couples face, and in the long run they can kind of be damaging. Bottling up your emotions is a fast way to an even worse problem, so it’s important to get it out in the open and deal with the issue like adults. Whether it’s holiday destinations, parenting, dishwashing or even food decisions, don’t let small value items turn into big value problems.
 
Most of all, be timely with your communicating your grievances. Don’t forget that respect and kindness is the foundation of your flourishing relationship. Enjoy the ride.

Listen in for my chat each Friday morning with Kristian on Radio Salt106.5.
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Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Have you seen that smart fridge where you don’t need to open the door to see what’s inside and it also communicates with Woollies if there’s something missing? I so need that! Is it more like I want it? In this crazy first world, it seems we absolutely need the latest groovy gadgets. Many are striving to keep up with Instagram worthy exotic holidays, eating way too much yet drowning in guilt for being too exhausted to get to gym. Are you working like crazy to haul in the required cash for this enviable lifestyle and ruminating over all the things you’re not?
 
We also can’t enjoy dynamic and flourishing relationships if you’re the withdrawn shadow of your former exuberant self. When you can’t contribute to your intimate partner, family and friends because you’re so exhausted, sad, depressed or full of self-loathing, many of your interactions won’t end so well.
 
Enjoy my top 10 tips to ensure you’re investing in your “Best Version of Yourself” for great relationships:

1. The comfort of your discomfort: Your whirring toxic thoughts of “can’t” and “not good enough” will continue to hold you in a vice like grip if you allow your brain to be stuck in the comfort of your discomfort. It sure is a cosy familiar place but only you control your thoughts which lead your mind and body.
2. Start with a breath and a bang: Up to eight minutes of mindful breathing or prayer nourishes your neural pathways and reinforces coherence in the heart, setting you up for success with clarity. Back this up with a list of the three most important things to do today that will have the largest impact. Bang!
3. See an Overwhelmologist: Who’s that? Mentors that tell you how they did it. They can break down where you want to be into bite size pieces to help you get there. It could be someone working in our dream industry, another parent at school you admire, a successful Uncle or a Counsellor ala moi!
4. Watch a thought leader online each week: For those who don’t like reading, you’ve got inspiration from reputable gurus on Youtube on your smart phone any day of the week on any topic such as relationships, real estate and finance!
5. Exercise: Edorphins, enhanced corticol blood flow, feel amazing - just do it.
6. Self-compassion: I’m thinking golf days, horse riding weekends, day spas, silent retreats, flotation tanks, brewery tours, a fluffy, bubbly bath at home or a book under a tree. Like me, I’m sure your to do list is endless and it’s important to not do as well. I even block gap time out on the calendar.
7. Be grateful: Write down three things each morning and three things each night. Include the best aspects of yourself you already feature instead of getting to stuck in what you’re not. Stick them in a jar and enjoy reading your time capsule which will include those days when you struggled to find one thing!
8. Build a “feel good” tribe: Surround yourself with inspirational people. Un-friend those who consistently leave you feeling like a lesser version of yourself.
9. Stop looking for shortcuts: Sorry to break it to you but those abs really won’t reveal themselves with a pill, your glowing skin won’t shine for eating hot pies and sauce and your dream job won’t be offered whilst Netflixing.
10. Experiment and learn a new thing each week: Fear will sure keep the lid on your wildly successful and wonderful ideas. Think like a scientist who relentlessly experiments, searches, tests and tracks their progress. When in doubt, bias toward experiment and action.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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You must be feeling incredibly appreciated, astonishingly good looking and oh so fabulous this week. I bet that spring in your step is just a little bouncier today and your grin even wider than Luna Park? I can’t imagine how fulfilled and contented you must be just for knowing you’re acknowledged for the stamp you’re making on this world.
 
Why on earth would that be? Why, it was World Compliment Day last Friday. I’m assuming you also surprised and delighted your fellow human beings as you shared the beautiful feeling of wellbeing well into the weekend. Who thinks of a World Compliment Day? Some guy in the Netherlands thought it was a good idea to come up with the most positive day in the world. If that’s true, good on you Hans – I’m all for it.
 
There’s nothing I like better than positive reinforcement to rock my world. It could be that lovely Helen at the local pool to tell me she read and liked my article, my husband to say I look real pretty in that dress or my little tykes exclaiming their spag bol is amazing. I just want to do a massive “Oh what a feeling” Toyota jump on those days. I then find myself generating even more tributes to others too. It has a ripple effect!
 
 Yet so many of us at times in our life have enormous difficulty and feel incredibly awkward receiving the verbal gift of a compliment. It’s no different to my bestie carefully selecting a well thought a gift of a book from my favourite author and wrapping it beautifully. Excitedly she presents it, and I despondently say, “No thanks, take it back.” What the heck? How hurt and disappointed would she be?
 
How can we learn to enjoy and receive the gift of a compliment to practice for next World Compliment Day and the 364 in-between?
 
Firstly, reasons why we deflect them include lack of self-acceptance from low self-esteem, shame and guilt, anxiety, depression, perfectionism and narcissism. We can suffer some real hard-knocks and make some ridiculous choices in quick succession. Some people were raised hearing the theme, “You’ll never be good enough”. No wonder then you’d have trouble believing there’s something worthwhile to say about the person you so often dislike – you.
 
We go to great magnitudes to deflect compliments such as denying them, arguing the case, diluting them, insulting ourselves in response or transferring the credit to someone else. Some even question the sincerity of the compliment giver.
 
You know you secretly relish the thought of praise for that delicious lemon cake you made, the new contract you signed off at work or for scaling Mt Coolum five times in a row. With thanks to the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors, they suggest we try this instead:
 

1. Smile graciously, return eye contact, and say, “thank you.”
2. Relax and breathe: It might be uncomfortable at the start, but intentionally breathe your way through it as you gain confidence.
3. Add some additional relevant intel: “Thanks, I got the recipe from…”
4. Avoid a “boomerang” compliment in return as may seem insincere and de-values the gift you’ve just been given.
5. Value-add: After your “Thank you”, convey your appreciation for them saying that.
6. Be honest and optimistic. So what if your praised project isn’t finished? Don’t focus on what it’s not yet but what it will be. 
7. Ask a question. Why not genuinely ask what specifically they like about your outfit?
8. Practice dishing out compliments: Intentionally notice the wonderful attributes in others and share it in a timely fashion. It’s likely they’ll remember it for a long, long time.
   

​Here’s your first chance to practice: I love the way you read my article.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.