Conscience-stricken? Ashamed of your flaws? Do you go to gigantic lengths to hide decisions you’re guilt-ridden of from your partner? Have you made financial mistakes you have avoided sharing with your spouse, friends or family at all costs?
 
Did you know that one major feature of lonely relationships is the inability to share your faults and your fears?
 
We all arrive into our relationships flawed!  Our past experiences shape us. Our own choices that we thought were a good idea at the time also make up you today. Even our unique appearance is a gift!
 
The best we all can do is continually work on being the best versions of ourselves today. However, despite these great efforts – we are still flawed humans.
 
As you navigate life together with your partner, all the challenges of life such as career disappointments, traumatic events and the horrible cutting things that people say - stick!  How about self-criticism of your looks, the ruminations of your failed attempts and your “I can’t…” self-talk as a result.

If we don't summons discipline for a controlled thought life through focussing on our miraculous unique design and nurturing ourselves with healthy self-talk we fall captive to past hurts.
 
You can create new neural pathways toward appreciating your goodness despite your unique flaws.  Your partner chose you and your package of fears, lacks and weird nuances. Many couples present to counselling so scared to reveal to each other what they're greatest fear is, concerns over something in the future and even what is bothering them today.
 
They become lonely.
 
Why is this? The reason is, is that we often are ashamed of our choices, scared of the response and of the big one:
 
Rejection.
 
However, the greatest gift of an intimate partnership is enjoying each other for everything that you are, despite your imperfections.
 
Men stereotypically will avoid revealing poor financial choices. Women will hide money to pay for cosmetic enhancements and beauty products.  Did you know omitting information counts as deceitful?
 
I encourage you this weekend to dig deep and be honest with yourself and your partner.
 
Are you hiding anything?
 
Are you incredibly worried about something you feel embarrassed to share?
 
Can you take the risk to share a fear you’ve been hiding for sometime?

Why not encourage your partner to avoid responding at first. Let them know how difficult it is to summons the bravery to share with openness. Request they ask genuine questions about your topic of concern.
 
When you can fully embrace life together, you can be a truly united force – far better than what you’d achieve doing life alone.
 
Enjoy the freedom from relieving the burden of carrying life’s loads and your anxieties all by yourself. You were designed relationally to lean on each other, particularly your partner. They will likely love you more for your honesty and vulnerability.
 
Be surprised how good it feels to unleash the real you within!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​

My partner won’t cuddle me, my husband won’t pick up his clothes off the floor, my wife won’t…. I sure don’t have a shortage of content on my counselling client’s spousal shortfalls.
 
Freida would arrive each fortnight for her relationship counselling session with her husband, Fred. She would relentlessly complain how much she longed for him to welcome her home with a warm embrace. Freida would appreciate ANY gentle caress; her hair, the brush of her arm, a quick squeeze and especially cosy snuggles on the couch after dinner in the evening. 

Whilst Fred heard, he seemed to fall short of following through with these requests.
 
Eventually, Freida gave up on seeking affection in the way she truly longed for it.
 
As it turns out, Fred was super uncomfortable with public displays of affection or any of that style of closeness. He never experienced this at home as a child. Nonetheless, his family were loving and supportive. His Dad attended all his sporting events, enthusiastically yelling tips from the sidelines, encourage and applaud his academic achievements and drive all over the state for his competitions. Fred’s Mum would cook up a storm for all his mates, be a kind listening ear etc. but, they were not the touchy-feely type of folk.
 
Understandably, the whole caressing, hugs and holding hands thing outside the bedroom was a foreign and weird concept for Fred – he just didn’t get the importance. Fred would rather get busy supporting Freida with running errands, around the yard and helping with their children’s gymnastics and soccer games.
 
As you do when you’re repeatedly not getting what you want, Freida gave up asking! Freida and Fred continued to coast along however became despondent. They arrived in my counselling room hoping to avoid spiralling into deeper despair, disconnection and resentment.
 
Throughout our time together, Fred dared to reveal he missed Freida telling him what a great Dad he is. He used to love her sweet messages left on the kitchen bench encouraging him for his next presentation at work. It was obvious they were attempting to show love in all the wrong ways – their own way. Not each other’s!
 
Furthermore, throughout their fifteen year marriage, they had diverted to an imbalanced focus on work, the children and their individual pursuits - their intimate relationship was the last priority left to run itself.
 
Three common things were undoing Freida and Fred:

• Familiarity that bred negativity bias
• Apathy
• Showing their own methods of love and not each other’s

 
In time, they achieved a fantastic and intimate connection for them resulting in:
- understanding how important it was for Freida to enjoy regular cuddles
- Fred being courageous to outline exactly what words of encouragement he appreciated and how
- weekly "Alignment" catch-ups on their deck over a cuppa where they highlighted what was going well in their relationship, areas of concern and discuss plans for the coming weeks'
 
 Do you need to:
- ask for what you need that makes you feel truly loved?
- consider if you are giving what your spouse needs and not just what you think they like?
- check in your levels of familiarity that breeds apathy in meeting each other's needs?

Love is… when your spouse selflessly expresses affection how you long for it and not what they want.
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​

It saddens me every time when uniquely fabulous individuals arrive in the counselling room with their partner, describing their pain, isolation and loneliness as a result of being ill-equipped to approach their differences in a respectful, kind and healthy manner. They present zapped of energy, depressed, anxious, even traumatized. After years of this as their “norm”, they arrive at the end of their tether.


​In the last decade, I’m fairly sure I’ve seen every type of conflict dance on the circuit. From where I sit, I recognise kind-hearted, gifted and beautiful people using their very best attempts to cope with differences with their partner.  They try all different manoeuvres to make it better and feel safe again but they fall flat.
 
If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, here’s what you need to know:

Conflict is normal. You haven’t partnered with your clone so you’re allowed to have varied preferences!  It is concerning when couples don’t ever disagree as they are possibly “glossing over” the important issues. Even worse, “shoving them under the carpet” results in a very large mound that will result in a catastrophic trip down the track.

When you live with someone, you’ll usually need to provide each other feedback about the dishcloth, shower screen or lawns at some time. You will be unintentionally hurt by your spouse and need to let them know.

1. Every time you conflict, you do not need to agree at the end! Mind-blowing I know. The outcome you require is empathy and a deeper understanding of the topic. You will each navigate life adjusted moving forward respectfully and kindly as a result! Each disagreement should eventually build your deeper and intimate connection.
2. Wonder who did you learn your conflict style from? Parents or caregivers we spent most of our time observing as a child are our relationship teachers. Did your Dad attack and get loud? Did your Mum withdraw and go quiet? Did they both scream at each other, then become cold and aloof? Consider if you are copying any of the approaches used in the house in which you were raised?
3. Have you ever considered that we are frequently misunderstanding each other a lot of the time? Our memories are incredibly unreliable particularly when our raw emotions are triggered, and reality is skewed. It is difficult to access your “smart brain”, the pre-frontal cortex when your emotional brain is flooded with overwhelm. You will find yourself “joining the dots” haphazardly on what you think occurred and what you think their intention was.

 
With this in mind, when a high conflict couple like Sam* and Max* arrived at my Counselling room, I discussed their family history and who taught them how to do conflict? We noted that Sam* was repeating the legacy of her past in drinking too heavily to cope with stress at work, resulting in a quick temper and aggression when conflict arose. Max* would immediately shut down and avoid Sam* making her even madder. Max* became fearful, had trouble putting his thoughts into words and *Sam relentlessly tried to get her point across in all the wrong ways. The cycle continued from there.
 
My role is to make it extremely obvious what “conflict dance” the couple is using  so they can step out of it into a new style with time, persistence and coaching!
 
Amongst many things, Sam* and Max* were required to:

•  become aware of their physical responses to being emotionally triggered  
• realise their greatest fears and emotions that were fuelling their conflict
• highlighted exactly what type of dance they employed
• become adept at applying self-regulation strategies for a calmer approach.

 
We discussed hurts from the past including before their relationship and afterwards. Together they journeyed toward a respectful and kind approach to conflict with confidence!
 
You can too!
 
Join me in my next 7-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space!
 
In the meantime, you can jump onto my “Communicate For Love” mini-course NOW that teaches this process indepth from the comfort of your own home. No trips to the Counselling room, no parking – just you at your own pace, navigating a new healthy approach to conflict!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
 

When Jan* and Phil* arrived into my counselling room presenting an incredibly sad, lonely and disconnected relationship, they outlined how they had not spoken about anything indepth for years.

Regrettably, their dialogue was purely perfunctory including where the children needed to be at what time and what was for dinner. They had lost the ability to communicate – it was woeful. Their relationship featured built-up resentment over the years from unresolved issues from an unhelpful approach to conflict.
 
One of the main challenges I noticed that fuelled this disastrous state of their marriage was they never discussed united goals or dreams at the state of their relationship. They coasted along and never really aligned themselves.

There is no emotional safety when you do not have united goals or dreams.
 
Two major elements of alignment is:  

1. Attentive listening in conversations where you can enjoy a safe space to share what you long for, your desires, concerns and fears.  You want to avoid “flying blind” instead of copping the unexpected “angry birds” as they whack you in the face out of nowhere! 
​

2. Consider your expectations for this week or next month? What specific challenges are you facing? What are you looking forward to? Is it extended family commitments, a noisy neighbour or a child being bullied at school? You might just be feeling emotional and don’t know why? Your partner is the first person you should talk to about all this! 

It is super exciting when you can become that united force to overcome and  achieve more than you ever have than if you were alone. This was my goal for Jan and Phil!
 
Once we had “how to align on a regular basis” covered, we discussed the greater goal timeframes for the coming year and what they wanted their relationship to look like?
 
They wanted to be that united and connected couple that others admired. Excellent start!
We broke it up into specific timeframes of one, two, five years and ten years:

• Individual
• couple
• family goals.  

Jan sought more for bushwalking alone to gain meditative peaceful time away from the hustle and bustle! Phil wanted the freedom to catch up with mates for a drink even now and then!

They integrated new couple goals that included new financial budgets and holiday destinations! Their family goals involved more bike rides together and less events with extended family who were taking up too much of their precious couple time.

We covered their aspirations for funds to open their own business in five years that would support private schooling fees and a house extension.  

Even I got excited for them. They had a plan from which we could envision from which we could focus on how they respectfully dealt with conflict.

Here are some helpful hints for couple goal setting:
 
Be respectful and open in your discussions with each other. There’s no point in tip-toeing around topics when you’re discussing your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

• Set actionable goals. Aim at that target, break down your tactics with time frames so they’re  easier to track and conquer.
• Hand write them. It helps your brain take a test drive of your ideas as you put pen to paper.
• Make your goals visible to encourage you both to hit targets and be accountable to your decisions. Great motivation!
• Encourage each other! Mutual congratulations and support will create a much stronger bond between you. Don’t let your partner’s successes be met with apathy. Let them know you acknowledge their achievements and understand how hard they worked for it.
• Repetition AND Consistency for at least 30 days for life changing habits. Paramount.
• Respect boundaries. Goal setting time can be a great opportunity to work on establishing and respecting your personal boundaries. Small changes can have big, positive consequences, so be attentive and sympathetic with your partner during this process.

 
Avoid getting stuck in the discomfort of your old substandard disconnection that has you co-existing as flatmates.
 
You are designed to enjoy thriving in dynamic relationships achieving more than you would alone. Enjoy your goal setting conversation this weekend that propels you to success for the remainder of the year!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com