We’ve been getting down and  “naked to the soul” throughout the recent month. I’m unveiling all those major inhibitors to intimacy in this series and today is a wrap up of what has inspired incredible interest from the community. It is an honour to share insight from the counselling room on common snags to the secure connection and love we deserve in order to spread the love for everyone!
 
Last month I recognised four main categories:

• The frequency of your “attachment antennae”? 
• Apathy
• Fear of Rejection
• Misalignment

 
Today I present the overarching theme of being “naked to the soul”.
 
It would be safe to stay that our human nature default status is a lack of appreciation for ourselves. Even worse, self-deprecation and toxic self-loathing. It takes effort to keep abreast of the spiralling anxious thoughts that feed this.
 
In society, talk yourself up or display too much self-promotion – you’re arrogant, conceited and “full of yourself”. In reality, we thrive on encouragement, positive reinforcement and the connectedness from others to “have our back”, particularly when life gets challenging.
 
If I were to blatantly stereotype, many men will derive status from their achievements along with power from sex.  A lot of women feel validated for their appearance and sense of belonging and acceptance when in a relationship. I note we do have unique “mosaic” brains so everyone features their own blend of longings.
 
When we “strip back” our work, our interests, our looks and who we are with, it’s worth reflecting on exactly, Who am I without my money, job, my partner or other avenues I rely on for validation?” “Who do I represent?“ “What do I stand for?” and “What do I long for?”.
 
Do we miss out on complementing each other in healthy partnerships because we overlook what’s really inhibiting intimacy? The recognition of our design for love, acceptance and belonging for being ourselves with all our flaws and raw spots? Are we scared of what will see in ourselves when not covered by our “things”.
 
 You deserve to ask (in the appropriate way) for your desires, recognising you’re an amazing work in progress and be accepted for your short-comings. Have the courage to turn up bare in your relationship, naked to the soul.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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I love the meaning of a leap year day on the weekend which perfectly blends with my current relationship series, “Intimacy Inhibitors”. Head to my blog for this series where so far I’ve covered:

• What frequency is your antennae tuned to? 
• Apathy
• Fear of Rejection
• 9 Mind Management Steps to overcoming Fear

 
A Leap Year Day, gives the earth additional time to complete the full circle around the sun. If we didn’t add leap days, each calendar year would be increasingly out of alignment and begin about six hours before the earth does its entire journey. Our time would slowly drift apart from the tropical year and we would get out of sync with the seasons. Americans would be eating Thanksgiving turkey in summer!
 
What does that have to do with intimacy?
 
Alignment.
 
When we’re not regularly  checking in with our partner, aligning with your each other’s needs, challenges, hectic schedules, children’s discipline and forward planning – we’re increasingly out of sync.
 
Examples of when this intimacy inhibitor features in my counselling room is when:

• Partners aren’t growing at the same pace in critical areas of their life that adjust their perspective of the relationship.
• A frantic pace where little time is set aside for face to face communication.
• Poor communication skills
• External family influences around differing values and opinions

 
I realise you can’t anticipate every step of life together, however it is worth having a decent crack to avoid constantly falling into the potholes of misalignment.
 
Why does your mechanic check the wheel alignment? It avoids unnecessary wear on your tyres, steering, suspension and brakes. The key word here is “unnecessary” - why would we  drift apart unnecessarily without harmonizing each other’s sexual flavours, spirituality, personal development, goals and dreams?

A great reminder today is to leap on in and arrange that alignment catch-up with your partner  for a forecast of sunny days ahead!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 
 

What are you scared of? Spiders, snakes, dogs, heights, flying, enclosed spaces, needles, storms? The list is endless of what frightens the heck out of us.

What about the one we can’t physically see that’s on top of the list of what petrifies humans (according to me)? What is this invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time?

Rejection.

And what does rejection cause? Fear.

I’m spearheading through my first series for your 2020 – “Intimacy Inhibitors”. It’s designed to stop you in your tracks to ensure you’re not sabotaging your relationships with unnecessary road-blocks to your intimate relationship. These inhibitors are evident in my counselling room over and over again so why not cut your mistakes short and enjoy insight from the progress achieved from countless courageous clients over the years?

I’m longing for you to be “naked to the soul” in realising your true design to enjoy being with another special person and all the vulnerability that goes with it. I acknowledge the importance of feeling safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. This doesn’t necessarily apply to just intimate partners but allowing our friends and family in. You flourish when you allow people into your inner world.

Why would you do this?

Because you fair much better when you share the load. Your brain lights up when you compassionately support someone else. You navigate the world knowing someone has got your back despite your flaws, failings and mistakes.

Why don’t we do this?

Fear and rejection. I can guarantee everyone on this planet has suffered rejection and all the devastating effects of being alienated, disappointed and lonely.  This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it’s challenging to reach out and enjoy closeness.

What do you do about it?

Realise your default personal news reel. After over a decade of counselling I’ve come to realise, no matter your charmed or compromised background, human nature sadly and too easily defaults to worthless self-talk. If we allow life’s whacks, clobbers and thrashings to permanently wire us to avoidance, we are trapped in pain and isolation. We’re more likely to judge and criticise others to deflect the perceived short-comings from within - all rooted in fear.

I look forward to stepping you through some steps to overcoming fear - this massive inhibitor to intimacy next week.
​
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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School is back in, 
Aussie trade in full swing,
Valentine’s Day florists soon go “ka-ching”,
... and for me – great timing!

Yes, it’s a fabulous time of year for my latest and greatest momentous topic of utmost importance for your 2020, drum roll… “Intimacy Inhibitors”.

Turn the pages to this section of this magazine in recent years and you’ll be well familiar with my frequently used term, “we are designed relationally”.  That is, we feel safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. Turn the pages of your life, and you’ll recall your highlight reel features sharing great moments with others, feeling loved, valued or appreciated. There are so many themes around this topic in the counselling room. I can’t wait to share with you some wonderful insights to giving and receiving the love you deserve.

Where do we start?

We get “naked to the soul”. Sounds a bit rude, however this is more about getting authentic with your own needs and turning on your “attachment antennae” to a healthy frequency. This wonderful analogy was gifted by authors and practitioners, Kallos-Lilly and Fitzgerald in their contribution to Emotionally Focussed Therapy. They explain those who’ve enjoyed positive childhood experiences of connecting with their parents of caregivers naturally tend to extend this to their romantic relationships. Those who’ve experienced a less than ideal childhood can feel a sense of loss and emptiness for what was missed.

As a result, our inherent need to survive and feel safe prompts some people to turn up their antennae or alert button to rejection from others. They can be hyper-sensitive to feelings of anxiousness when they sense others might let them down. They can be clingy and needy or try to control their partner to keep safe. Alternatively, those who keep their antennae turned down too low ensures they stay independent, avoid closeness and keep their distance. Both frequencies are their best attempts to cope to avoid the insecurity from a threatened bond with those closest and dear.

Understanding the needs of such anxious or avoidant behaviours is a helpful head start to appreciate and respect their need for space or responsiveness.

I look forward to revealing further aspects of being “naked to the soul” next week.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Death, taxes and the need to be loved are the sure things of life.
 
As Queensland prepares to recognise Mental Health week from 5 October, what a perfect time to recognise therapists all over the world impacting generations. I too, have the privilege of journeying with couples particularly with children supporting them rediscover how to effectively connect and mentor their young family with a beautiful, flourishing and cohesive connection, particularly with healthy conflict cycles.
 
One great reminder I want to share is contemplating how we sought safety, learnt, felt and expressed love in the first place. We thrive on being loved, cared for and needed. A loss of connection in a relationship often feels like a near death experience for many. Have you ever taken time out to wonder:
 
Who did you go to for comfort as a child and could you count on them?
Were they available for you at critical times?
Did these people ever betray you or let you down?
What did you learn about connection /comfort from these people?
Did you ever turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, material things for comfort?
Have there been any particular traumatic incidences in your previous relationships?
 
It makes complete sense that these experiences can shape our current relationships. They can subconsciously influence any insecurities, unrealistic expectations and explain why we find ourselves self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, sex or materialism or screen addiction. On the other hand, many people have been fortunate to enjoy a wonderful, loving and connected family of origin upon which to launch themselves to relationship success.
 
If you’re in a relationship, I wonder if there have been times when you have been able to be vulnerable and find comfort with your partner? What a gift that is.
 
It is an incredible honour when couples or individuals entrust me with their challenges, pain and dreams. Your emotional and physical well-being flourish when you enjoy dynamic, fun and connected relationships. It is never too late to begin being the best version of yourself in yours!
 
In the theme of taking time to boost your mental wellbeing, check out the www.qldmentalhealthweek.org.au website for the Instagram Take Time challenge. They’re inviting people across Queensland to share what it looks or feels like when they ‘take time’ for the things that boost their mental wellbeing.
 
Your post must be shared on Instagram using #QMHWTakeTime and can capture anything from a moment to an artwork. You might like to show how important it is to be active, keep learning, give, connect, enjoy the moment, or care for our planet. Just be creative, be yourself, and join the conversation.
 
The challenge will run in the lead up to Queensland Mental Health Week until Thursday 3 October 2019. There will be six prize draws during this time with all entrants having the chance to win!

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

​With much grunt and gusto, I’ve bravely explored the world of the hairy man type in a relationship with a fluttering eyelashes female throughout August. I’ve delved into these key topics often found in my relationship therapy and as put forward throughout this series by blokes. They’re yearning to discover why women:

• Always interpret the worst of what men are trying to say and not just assume the best one?
• Think it’s so wrong with trying to fix things when you tell us your problems?
• Need our opinion on decorating questions when we only see in primary colours? We don’t see puce or coral or that matter!

You can find these answers and more on my blog, however as today August draws to a close, it’s time for the big question many fellas want to get to the bottom of: Why don’t women desire sexual intimacy as much as we do? In the absence of a sealed section in this magazine, I’ll keep it above the waist line.

Once again, I’ll highlight it’s just not appropriate to stereotype men and women. There is a large quotient of libidinous females out there that suffer inextricably from rejection and low self-esteem as result of not being with a man who fits the mainstream oversexed male. You know the typical beef-cakes who chuckle and elbow each other at the great aussie barbecue as they whine they’re never indulged enough by their Sheila. This role does not always play out at home in the bedroom so that’s a topic for another time.

After collaborating and interviewing a few sex therapists, including the work of Laurie Watson of Psychology Today, here's what I've unveiled:

• Men’s body chemistry including that well known testosterone surging through his body results in his desire starting there. A women’s passion is more likely ignited in her mind by contented feelings of connection, adoration and positive memories.
• Men crave sex like chocolate – it’s a hunger to be fulfilled.
• The energy derived from sexual pleasure can be a tantalising reward for working, monotony and protecting his family.
• Turning on his partner is reported to be the most satisfying in their pursuit to make it a mutually pleasurable experience as many fantasise on seeking to improve on satisfying their partner.
• It’s not just “getting his rocks off” but a deep emotional connection that creates attunement and attachment. As Watson aptly states, it “spurs relational generosity, faith and optimism”. When he feels desired by his partner, it creates a sense of reassurance and commitment.

Women long for an emotional connection before physical connection and it’s worth realising they may need that first to be emotionally vulnerable and available to communicate. That is, unless they pass out snoring first.

Listen in to my interview with Sunshine Coast sex therapist, Pauline Ryeland on my "Is This Love?" podcast!

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. 

This week, I’m supporting blokes for when she sees “puce” and you see brown. She sees “steel slate” and you see gray. We are in the middle of Audacious August with my attempt at stepping into the boots of the great Australian male in relationship with his sheila! Feel free to peruse my blog for the recent weeks articles on the myriad of challenges faced by men as noted in relationship counselling or you’ve emailed and commented on social media.

This topic represents a metaphor for male female relationships in that we really do see through different lenses in many instances. Realising this masculine versus feminine approach could be one major step forward to your more intimate relationship.

Thanks to Jason who commented on social media about his frustration on being questioned by his woman about interior decorating colour options. He noted, “We only see in primary colours”, and he’s quite right! Men do see multiple distinct colours only and females see multiple shades. It’s hard-wired.

As you could imagine, women become quite despondent and rejected when we receive little input to our dilemma of the mango tango curtains versus the coral ones. Thanks to Dr Caroline Leaf in her book, He Said She Said, who provides greater insight around the cause of this in the biology around our vision!

“The X-chromosome provides the cone-shaped cells that handle colour. Women have two X-chromosomes and men have one, so women have more cells that allow them to see subtle changes in shades of colour. Females also have more P-cells—special cells in the retina that help the brain interpret texture and colour. These P-cells allow women to be more detail-oriented than men. Males, on the other hand, have more M-cells, other specialized cells in the retina that help the brain analyze motion, action and direction. M-cells help men see how things move and work.”

This would explain why I’ve managed to reverse into my husband’s car in our driveway let’s just say more than once in broad daylight. It also makes sense why he couldn’t care less about what shade of red he went when he found out. Surely the fact that men see better than women in bright light and women see more details in short distances in the dark has something to do with it?

​So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You can remain anonymous!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

With much excitement, I’ve renamed this month - Audacious August. What daring and courageous risks would this thrill-seeking columnist be taking now you ponder? You guessed it, I’m precariously peering life through the lens of the other side. I’m bravely entering the foreign world of being an Australian manly man! Furthermore, being a macho beefcake navigating love and relationships.
 
I feel it’s time to support you blokes in areas such as understanding every word we are NOT saying as well as a few expert tips on getting all the love you need. Yes, I do know what your version of love is! Wink.
 
As a woman and relationship therapist, I’ve heard all the snide jokes. Here’s one: “Menopause, menstrual cramps, mental illness, mental breakdowns…ever notice that all of your problems begin with men?”.  What about, “While creating men, God promised women that a good and ideal man would be found in all corners of the world, then He made the earth round.” I’ll leave it at just the two but leave you with a few questions about men that are continually investigated in the counselling room: Why:

• Do many find talking so challenging?
• Don’t they remember to connect and communicate before physical intimacy?
• Do they anger so easily?
• Don’t they feel admired so consistently?
• Do they so often feel such an intense financial pressure?
• Don’t they express their emotional needs very frequently?
• Do they seem to hide their emotions until they’re really frustrated?
• Don’t they have many facial expressions to help us out?`

 
Whilst I agree we can’t stereotype the idiosyncrasies and mysteries of the Australian male, these are consistent themes I notice. Just to clarify, some fellas talk even more than their shy sheila and absolutely do some women have a higher libido than their stallion.
 
We already know that intimacy in relationships is fostered in deep sharing and empathic responding which makes sense where it all goes wrong. If you take nothing else from this series, what is for sure is that women feel more intimate when their partners display understanding, validation, and caring. What’s fascinating for me is that men thrive on protecting and achieving all these things however as for both sexes, don’t always get it right.
 
I can’t wait to delve into all these challenges of being an Aussie man in relationship for the well-being of all throughout Audacious August and beyond!
 
So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You will remain anonymous!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

It would be true to say the meaning of “turning on” your partner is fairly clear. How to, and when to is a whole other article for a whole other time. As it turns out, "turning toward" your partner is a considerably important priority for connection. If you make a conscious effort to consistently turn towards your partner, it's likely you get to enjoy both!
 
Confused? Great, read on to find out what I’m talking about.
 
In any relationship we seek emotional connection from our partners. These take the form of a few distinct “bids”, as outlined by Clinician and Scholar Dr John Gottman.
 
These bids are related to attention, conversation, approval, sympathy, play, etc. Things like, “Can you help me find my socks.” “Look at this singing puppy on YouTube!”, “Have you seen Pink’s baby belly?”, “Do these pants suit me?”, “What did you get up to today?”. All of these present various attempts at making a connection.
 
Where does this whole “turn toward your partner” thing come in? Well, say you’re at home watching TV and your partner enters the room. They ask you to look at something they’ve made or are wearing or have found. This can be a bid for multiple things at once — attention, interest, emotional support.
 
How you respond to this bid can be summarised by one of three ‘turns’.
 
1.     Turn against your partner: When you respond to one of these attempts at connection with hostility. We have, at one point or another, all been there (unfortunately!). You’re busy doing something and someone walks in, interrupting you. You snap at them and tell them you’re busy, or concentrating, or even just tell them to nick off. “Shhhh, Allan Border is talking on the tellie!”

2.     Turn away from your partner: Basically ignoring or dismissing them! You pretend you haven’t heard or give some other dismissive gesture. If you’re watching a screen, you keep your eyes glued and don’t look up. Maybe you give a little shrug to drive your apathy home. This is also a common tactic easily deployed during or after conflict.

3.     Turn toward your partner: Here it is! Turning toward your partner is when you actively engage with your partner’s bid for attention. You look at them, respond to them, ask questions to show interest and empathy. “Yes, the dress is lovely, you’d look great in a sack!” “Wow, that must have frustrated the heck out of you at work, what did you do then?” “I'm confused why you’d think that way but tell me more.”
 
All interactions between couples have a mixture of these responses. Turning away, or even against, your partner every now and then isn’t going to destroy a relationship, however couples who consistently turn toward each other fare a lot better.
 
Gottman’s research by analysing married couples over the space of six years found those still happily together at the six year mark “turned toward” each other 87% of the time. That’s really high, but there’s still a healthy amount of room for the occasional “Uh huh. Very nice.” These couples were called the “Masters”.
 
By contrast, the couples that had fallen apart — labelled, very bluntly, “Disasters”! — only managed to turn towards each other about 33% of the time. For every 10 bids of attention, only three would be met with a connection. Ouch.
 
So how can we strive to “turn toward” our partners more often than not? How can we make sure we’re giving our partners all the engagement and attention we’re capable of?