Take out today’s to-do list and scan it for where the people you care most about are listed. 

Not there?

I agree with you. Your wife, husband, partner, children, grandparents, grandchildren and bestie don’t need to go on the list as they’re always there.

But are they?

It’s fair enough that the following elements of life’s journey take priority at times: 

• newborns and growing hungry, noisy children that then need to be driven everywhere!
• earning the big bucks to retire early, or just trying to stay afloat to keep the family alive
• caring for elderly family members
• refining your abs, or just trying to knock off a few kgs

…. The list goes on!

A common theme faced by couples in my counselling room include the well-dressed power couple in their early 40’s, Valma and Brett. They’ve both previously been married and share custody of their combined number of four children aged between four and sixteen. They arrive with difficulties navigating co-parenting, finding quality time together and managing conflict.

It is natural for such couples to profess, “My children will always come first to me”. There’s nothing wrong with this, however, your primary relationship with your partner is that which nurtures and supports you the most, and ultimately helps you be a better parent. Whilst each child in your family may feature specific challenges that require attention, blended families fare better when the couple relationship is prioritised which avoids unnecessary alliances. The couple back each other, have shared resources and find clarity in who disciplines who and when etc. Having a safe emotional foundation from which each partner can rely in the tough role as a parent is fundamental!

Of course, this applies to parents of all types of families.

Putting your relationship first is a daily intention that does not necessarily mean hard work! Talk with your partner about maintaining the health of your bond. Prioritising your relationship’s well-being will give you both more strength to tend to the needs of your business, children and everything else.

Some will say, “All my long hours at work are for my family.” It sure is a swing versus a work/life balance.  Ensure this belief is not tied to your identity. This can result in losing those special to you whilst focussing only on the things you can see such as your money and defining those muscles at the gym.

The emotional safety from your intimate partnership and the love and support from your family and buddies provide the launch pad to your success! 
​

​Joanne Wilson is the facilitator of the Relationship Rejuvenator online mini-courses and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

The 10-Day Relationship Recharge is back by popular demand and open now for registration!

​Photo by Donald Giannatti on Unsplash

​What is the one major common denominator I notice that inhibits a healthy approach to conflict?
 
Humans. Yes – you.
 
Confronting, right? Rarely do we have the headspace to point the finger at ourselves when it comes to arguments with our partners.
 
Why?
 
Whilst I am sure you are wonderfully unique, kind and fabulous like me, our human nature includes an inherent self-serving bias to get our own way. It also inhibits our ability to consider another person’s reasonable or wild and ridiculously different perspective to our own. Yes, that’s right, our spouse is allowed to disagree with us.
 
Firstly, time for some self-examination. This requires checking your self-worth, self-assurance, and self-determination. How is your self-image? Do you have high self-esteem? Is there a healthy level of self-love?
 
Why all the self-reflection?
 
Because therein lies your ability to bravely delve into the criticism of others, particularly your “chosen one”. Yes, the one you decided to pair up with for the long-term for richer or poorer.

When you doubt yourself, find it hard to love yourself or even loathe yourself, self-defensiveness will dominate and disable your ability to (here’s the big one…) seek further information about any constructive feedback, criticism or (here’s the bigger one…) a completely different opinion than yours!
 
The greatest goal for a relationship counsellor is to coach couples in the fine art of delivering feedback in a non-blaming way for it to be received that way. This is super tricky when my clients don’t even like themselves, let alone each other.
 
When your self-esteem is so low and you are feeling so down on yourself, you are extremely sensitive to criticism or feedback of any time, of any type. It is difficult for you to lean in and ask questions to clarify what your partner is trying to tell you. Whilst you can blame your partner for denigrating any sense of confidence, the responsibility lies with you knowing what you deserve.
 
Self-criticism fosters self-defence and self-justification. These are not ingredients to support a healthy approach to conflict.  The basic framework is:

• Hear something you don't like?
• Lean in, respectfully ask a question
• Seek clarification.
  

Who on earth would want to know more about how you are going about things the wrong way? Not me either, however it is worth it because that is what living with other humans is all about.
 
It is a tough phase in the year when we are all feeling a little worn down by the recent few years. Despite seeing the flags marking the finish line for the end of the year, many are “flagging”!
​

 
What to do?
 
Self-worth: I urge and encourage you to nurture you. Carve out time for self-compassion every day. Just a moment of peace, of relaxation or exercise or all of that! Whatever gives your soul some respite for you to bravely surge forward, particularly during the differences with your partner so you can respectfully turn toward them in the face of adversity to learn and grow together .
 
1. What are two activities you can engage or re-engage in just for you this week? (If you have children, what level of self-love to they deserve being mentored by?)

Self-control for self-regulation: Anticipate that your emotions will be triggered during conflict.

2. What two strategies can you plan that you will employ when you notice your heartbeat rise during your next conflict that helps you pause and respond versus react in ways you will regret? Is it meditation, breathing, skipping, nurturing self-talk? 

Any improvements about the self, require self-determination so get to it!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

​Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

Jane and Mark are great communicators.

Their lifestyle is organised, structured and fun for their four children all under 14 years old. Despite Mark working full time and Jane part-time, all children enjoy at least two activities outside school hours each week. One child has special needs and attends additional therapies. Despite this, their lifestyle ticks along extremely well. Jane and Mark have rarely argued throughout their 16-year marriage.

Why then, were they in my counselling room?

Gorgeous and articulate Jane described her painful feelings of disconnection and loneliness. Mark bravely recounted his continual disappointed with the lack of intimacy in the bedroom. Together, we unveiled that their communication was lacking depth and intimacy.

The team at Focus on the Family recently alerted me to the very apt term, “In-too-me-see” by Erwin Raphael McManus.

We long to be truly “seen”. Real intimacy makes us feel alive. We love being talked to, not at. We flourish when spoken to in a respectful, kind and caring tone - even when we disagree. It is such a gift when our partner takes the time to ask questions for clarification to help us truly understand ourselves and ask for what we need.
​
Meaningful communication also includes being courageously vulnerable to push beyond past hurts to reveal what is really going on? 

Do you allow your partner in?
​
I collaborated with Jane and Mark who:

• Became timely with their communication to be honest with their feelings of frustration, sadness, or desires.
• Intentionally set aside 15 minutes per day (each and every day) without interruptions.
• Established stricter boundaries to avoid prioritising the children over their own couple needs.

​They found excitement and passion to be doing life not just alongside each other but entwined! They now take the time to peer into the depths of each other’s soul to really see each other there.
 
Celebrate Marriage Week with me on Saturday 18 September at a free webinar discussing, “Intimacy is not just physical” with Kate and Brett Ryan of Focus on the Family.

​Secure your spot  HERE.

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

​Photo by Anh Henry Nguyen on Unsplash

Have you ever struggled to comprehend or accept your partner’s previous life before you? Maybe they can’t handle your horrible histories?

​Welcome to Part 2 of my Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes Series. Here are some particularly challenging topics I’ve noticed when you can’t get past your spouse’s past:

They’ve:​

• - lied or covered up mistakes from their family, friends or previous partner
• - cheated on people
• - had more sexual partners than you'd have preferred
• - retained very close associations with their previous partner’s family or friends

Questions you might naturally ask yourself:

• Are they a better lover than me?
• Will they leave me or lie to me like they’ve done before?
• Will they repeat past behaviours as they still mix with the same friends?

 ​

10 successful tips that have helped couples I've worked with overcoming the demons of their past:

1. Slow down dating habits. Get to know your partner by shared experiences, holidays with a few stressful moments along the way to see how you respond as a team together.
2. Observe your partner’s habitat. From which environment were they raised? Was it healthy, connected and loving or neglectful and abusive? This may contribute to their behaviours today.
3. Consider if your partner was/is self-medicating for? Do they use alcohol and drugs to numb any emotional pain or trauma? Have they shown personal growth and tenacity to overcome this?
4. Do they display sincere remorse and empathy for any previous cheating behaviours?
5. Consider if your retroactive jealousy stems from insecurity, low self-worth and a sense of inadequacy? Do you compare yourself to them?
6. Employ healthy boundaries around the family, friends or children of your partner. These people may be in your life for a very long time so expressing kindness and respect to the situation is beneficial for all.
7. Repress = obsess! Avoid bottling in your concerns so you're less likely to be obsessing over them. Be vulnerable to share your worries with your partner and ask for validation.
8. Intentionally use the power of your mind to overcome toxic thoughts to release forgiveness for yourself for your past. Harness ruminating unhelpful thought patterns either with a therapist or research effective strategies yourself.
9. Consider if you are overlooking that you too have a past?
10. Remember there is a reason why there is a past.... so you can enjoy a future together! 

 
Don’t forget to check out Jo's Facebook Lives on Relationship Rehab with Jo to inject some relational inspirations into your week!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her latest relationships mini-course intake at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Early-bird pricing concludes 21 August 2021.

My partner won’t cuddle me, my husband won’t pick up his clothes off the floor, my wife won’t…. I sure don’t have a shortage of content on my counselling client’s spousal shortfalls.
 
Freida would arrive each fortnight for her relationship counselling session with her husband, Fred. She would relentlessly complain how much she longed for him to welcome her home with a warm embrace. Freida would appreciate ANY gentle caress; her hair, the brush of her arm, a quick squeeze and especially cosy snuggles on the couch after dinner in the evening. 

Whilst Fred heard, he seemed to fall short of following through with these requests.
 
Eventually, Freida gave up on seeking affection in the way she truly longed for it.
 
As it turns out, Fred was super uncomfortable with public displays of affection or any of that style of closeness. He never experienced this at home as a child. Nonetheless, his family were loving and supportive. His Dad attended all his sporting events, enthusiastically yelling tips from the sidelines, encourage and applaud his academic achievements and drive all over the state for his competitions. Fred’s Mum would cook up a storm for all his mates, be a kind listening ear etc. but, they were not the touchy-feely type of folk.
 
Understandably, the whole caressing, hugs and holding hands thing outside the bedroom was a foreign and weird concept for Fred – he just didn’t get the importance. Fred would rather get busy supporting Freida with running errands, around the yard and helping with their children’s gymnastics and soccer games.
 
As you do when you’re repeatedly not getting what you want, Freida gave up asking! Freida and Fred continued to coast along however became despondent. They arrived in my counselling room hoping to avoid spiralling into deeper despair, disconnection and resentment.
 
Throughout our time together, Fred dared to reveal he missed Freida telling him what a great Dad he is. He used to love her sweet messages left on the kitchen bench encouraging him for his next presentation at work. It was obvious they were attempting to show love in all the wrong ways – their own way. Not each other’s!
 
Furthermore, throughout their fifteen year marriage, they had diverted to an imbalanced focus on work, the children and their individual pursuits - their intimate relationship was the last priority left to run itself.
 
Three common things were undoing Freida and Fred:

• Familiarity that bred negativity bias
• Apathy
• Showing their own methods of love and not each other’s

 
In time, they achieved a fantastic and intimate connection for them resulting in:
- understanding how important it was for Freida to enjoy regular cuddles
- Fred being courageous to outline exactly what words of encouragement he appreciated and how
- weekly "Alignment" catch-ups on their deck over a cuppa where they highlighted what was going well in their relationship, areas of concern and discuss plans for the coming weeks'
 
 Do you need to:
- ask for what you need that makes you feel truly loved?
- consider if you are giving what your spouse needs and not just what you think they like?
- check in your levels of familiarity that breeds apathy in meeting each other's needs?

Love is… when your spouse selflessly expresses affection how you long for it and not what they want.
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​

It saddens me every time when uniquely fabulous individuals arrive in the counselling room with their partner, describing their pain, isolation and loneliness as a result of being ill-equipped to approach their differences in a respectful, kind and healthy manner. They present zapped of energy, depressed, anxious, even traumatized. After years of this as their “norm”, they arrive at the end of their tether.


​In the last decade, I’m fairly sure I’ve seen every type of conflict dance on the circuit. From where I sit, I recognise kind-hearted, gifted and beautiful people using their very best attempts to cope with differences with their partner.  They try all different manoeuvres to make it better and feel safe again but they fall flat.
 
If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, here’s what you need to know:

Conflict is normal. You haven’t partnered with your clone so you’re allowed to have varied preferences!  It is concerning when couples don’t ever disagree as they are possibly “glossing over” the important issues. Even worse, “shoving them under the carpet” results in a very large mound that will result in a catastrophic trip down the track.

When you live with someone, you’ll usually need to provide each other feedback about the dishcloth, shower screen or lawns at some time. You will be unintentionally hurt by your spouse and need to let them know.

1. Every time you conflict, you do not need to agree at the end! Mind-blowing I know. The outcome you require is empathy and a deeper understanding of the topic. You will each navigate life adjusted moving forward respectfully and kindly as a result! Each disagreement should eventually build your deeper and intimate connection.
2. Wonder who did you learn your conflict style from? Parents or caregivers we spent most of our time observing as a child are our relationship teachers. Did your Dad attack and get loud? Did your Mum withdraw and go quiet? Did they both scream at each other, then become cold and aloof? Consider if you are copying any of the approaches used in the house in which you were raised?
3. Have you ever considered that we are frequently misunderstanding each other a lot of the time? Our memories are incredibly unreliable particularly when our raw emotions are triggered, and reality is skewed. It is difficult to access your “smart brain”, the pre-frontal cortex when your emotional brain is flooded with overwhelm. You will find yourself “joining the dots” haphazardly on what you think occurred and what you think their intention was.

 
With this in mind, when a high conflict couple like Sam* and Max* arrived at my Counselling room, I discussed their family history and who taught them how to do conflict? We noted that Sam* was repeating the legacy of her past in drinking too heavily to cope with stress at work, resulting in a quick temper and aggression when conflict arose. Max* would immediately shut down and avoid Sam* making her even madder. Max* became fearful, had trouble putting his thoughts into words and *Sam relentlessly tried to get her point across in all the wrong ways. The cycle continued from there.
 
My role is to make it extremely obvious what “conflict dance” the couple is using  so they can step out of it into a new style with time, persistence and coaching!
 
Amongst many things, Sam* and Max* were required to:

•  become aware of their physical responses to being emotionally triggered  
• realise their greatest fears and emotions that were fuelling their conflict
• highlighted exactly what type of dance they employed
• become adept at applying self-regulation strategies for a calmer approach.

 
We discussed hurts from the past including before their relationship and afterwards. Together they journeyed toward a respectful and kind approach to conflict with confidence!
 
You can too!
 
Join me in my next 7-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space!
 
In the meantime, you can jump onto my “Communicate For Love” mini-course NOW that teaches this process indepth from the comfort of your own home. No trips to the Counselling room, no parking – just you at your own pace, navigating a new healthy approach to conflict!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
 

When Jan* and Phil* arrived into my counselling room presenting an incredibly sad, lonely and disconnected relationship, they outlined how they had not spoken about anything indepth for years.

Regrettably, their dialogue was purely perfunctory including where the children needed to be at what time and what was for dinner. They had lost the ability to communicate – it was woeful. Their relationship featured built-up resentment over the years from unresolved issues from an unhelpful approach to conflict.
 
One of the main challenges I noticed that fuelled this disastrous state of their marriage was they never discussed united goals or dreams at the state of their relationship. They coasted along and never really aligned themselves.

There is no emotional safety when you do not have united goals or dreams.
 
Two major elements of alignment is:  

1. Attentive listening in conversations where you can enjoy a safe space to share what you long for, your desires, concerns and fears.  You want to avoid “flying blind” instead of copping the unexpected “angry birds” as they whack you in the face out of nowhere! 
​

2. Consider your expectations for this week or next month? What specific challenges are you facing? What are you looking forward to? Is it extended family commitments, a noisy neighbour or a child being bullied at school? You might just be feeling emotional and don’t know why? Your partner is the first person you should talk to about all this! 

It is super exciting when you can become that united force to overcome and  achieve more than you ever have than if you were alone. This was my goal for Jan and Phil!
 
Once we had “how to align on a regular basis” covered, we discussed the greater goal timeframes for the coming year and what they wanted their relationship to look like?
 
They wanted to be that united and connected couple that others admired. Excellent start!
We broke it up into specific timeframes of one, two, five years and ten years:

• Individual
• couple
• family goals.  

Jan sought more for bushwalking alone to gain meditative peaceful time away from the hustle and bustle! Phil wanted the freedom to catch up with mates for a drink even now and then!

They integrated new couple goals that included new financial budgets and holiday destinations! Their family goals involved more bike rides together and less events with extended family who were taking up too much of their precious couple time.

We covered their aspirations for funds to open their own business in five years that would support private schooling fees and a house extension.  

Even I got excited for them. They had a plan from which we could envision from which we could focus on how they respectfully dealt with conflict.

Here are some helpful hints for couple goal setting:
 
Be respectful and open in your discussions with each other. There’s no point in tip-toeing around topics when you’re discussing your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

• Set actionable goals. Aim at that target, break down your tactics with time frames so they’re  easier to track and conquer.
• Hand write them. It helps your brain take a test drive of your ideas as you put pen to paper.
• Make your goals visible to encourage you both to hit targets and be accountable to your decisions. Great motivation!
• Encourage each other! Mutual congratulations and support will create a much stronger bond between you. Don’t let your partner’s successes be met with apathy. Let them know you acknowledge their achievements and understand how hard they worked for it.
• Repetition AND Consistency for at least 30 days for life changing habits. Paramount.
• Respect boundaries. Goal setting time can be a great opportunity to work on establishing and respecting your personal boundaries. Small changes can have big, positive consequences, so be attentive and sympathetic with your partner during this process.

 
Avoid getting stuck in the discomfort of your old substandard disconnection that has you co-existing as flatmates.
 
You are designed to enjoy thriving in dynamic relationships achieving more than you would alone. Enjoy your goal setting conversation this weekend that propels you to success for the remainder of the year!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

What are you scared of? Spiders, snakes, dogs, heights, flying, enclosed spaces, needles, storms? The list is endless of what frightens the heck out of us.

What about the one we can’t physically see that’s on top of the list of what petrifies humans (according to me)? What is this invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time?

Rejection.

And what does rejection cause? Fear.

I’m spearheading through my first series for your 2020 – “Intimacy Inhibitors”. It’s designed to stop you in your tracks to ensure you’re not sabotaging your relationships with unnecessary road-blocks to your intimate relationship. These inhibitors are evident in my counselling room over and over again so why not cut your mistakes short and enjoy insight from the progress achieved from countless courageous clients over the years?

I’m longing for you to be “naked to the soul” in realising your true design to enjoy being with another special person and all the vulnerability that goes with it. I acknowledge the importance of feeling safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. This doesn’t necessarily apply to just intimate partners but allowing our friends and family in. You flourish when you allow people into your inner world.

Why would you do this?

Because you fair much better when you share the load. Your brain lights up when you compassionately support someone else. You navigate the world knowing someone has got your back despite your flaws, failings and mistakes.

Why don’t we do this?

Fear and rejection. I can guarantee everyone on this planet has suffered rejection and all the devastating effects of being alienated, disappointed and lonely.  This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it’s challenging to reach out and enjoy closeness.

What do you do about it?

Realise your default personal news reel. After over a decade of counselling I’ve come to realise, no matter your charmed or compromised background, human nature sadly and too easily defaults to worthless self-talk. If we allow life’s whacks, clobbers and thrashings to permanently wire us to avoidance, we are trapped in pain and isolation. We’re more likely to judge and criticise others to deflect the perceived short-comings from within - all rooted in fear.

I look forward to stepping you through some steps to overcoming fear - this massive inhibitor to intimacy next week.
​
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 ​

School is back in, 
Aussie trade in full swing,
Valentine’s Day florists soon go “ka-ching”,
... and for me – great timing!

Yes, it’s a fabulous time of year for my latest and greatest momentous topic of utmost importance for your 2020, drum roll… “Intimacy Inhibitors”.

Turn the pages to this section of this magazine in recent years and you’ll be well familiar with my frequently used term, “we are designed relationally”.  That is, we feel safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. Turn the pages of your life, and you’ll recall your highlight reel features sharing great moments with others, feeling loved, valued or appreciated. There are so many themes around this topic in the counselling room. I can’t wait to share with you some wonderful insights to giving and receiving the love you deserve.

Where do we start?

We get “naked to the soul”. Sounds a bit rude, however this is more about getting authentic with your own needs and turning on your “attachment antennae” to a healthy frequency. This wonderful analogy was gifted by authors and practitioners, Kallos-Lilly and Fitzgerald in their contribution to Emotionally Focussed Therapy. They explain those who’ve enjoyed positive childhood experiences of connecting with their parents of caregivers naturally tend to extend this to their romantic relationships. Those who’ve experienced a less than ideal childhood can feel a sense of loss and emptiness for what was missed.

As a result, our inherent need to survive and feel safe prompts some people to turn up their antennae or alert button to rejection from others. They can be hyper-sensitive to feelings of anxiousness when they sense others might let them down. They can be clingy and needy or try to control their partner to keep safe. Alternatively, those who keep their antennae turned down too low ensures they stay independent, avoid closeness and keep their distance. Both frequencies are their best attempts to cope to avoid the insecurity from a threatened bond with those closest and dear.

Understanding the needs of such anxious or avoidant behaviours is a helpful head start to appreciate and respect their need for space or responsiveness.

I look forward to revealing further aspects of being “naked to the soul” next week.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Death, taxes and the need to be loved are the sure things of life.
 
As Queensland prepares to recognise Mental Health week from 5 October, what a perfect time to recognise therapists all over the world impacting generations. I too, have the privilege of journeying with couples particularly with children supporting them rediscover how to effectively connect and mentor their young family with a beautiful, flourishing and cohesive connection, particularly with healthy conflict cycles.
 
One great reminder I want to share is contemplating how we sought safety, learnt, felt and expressed love in the first place. We thrive on being loved, cared for and needed. A loss of connection in a relationship often feels like a near death experience for many. Have you ever taken time out to wonder:
 
Who did you go to for comfort as a child and could you count on them?
Were they available for you at critical times?
Did these people ever betray you or let you down?
What did you learn about connection /comfort from these people?
Did you ever turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, material things for comfort?
Have there been any particular traumatic incidences in your previous relationships?
 
It makes complete sense that these experiences can shape our current relationships. They can subconsciously influence any insecurities, unrealistic expectations and explain why we find ourselves self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, sex or materialism or screen addiction. On the other hand, many people have been fortunate to enjoy a wonderful, loving and connected family of origin upon which to launch themselves to relationship success.
 
If you’re in a relationship, I wonder if there have been times when you have been able to be vulnerable and find comfort with your partner? What a gift that is.
 
It is an incredible honour when couples or individuals entrust me with their challenges, pain and dreams. Your emotional and physical well-being flourish when you enjoy dynamic, fun and connected relationships. It is never too late to begin being the best version of yourself in yours!
 
In the theme of taking time to boost your mental wellbeing, check out the www.qldmentalhealthweek.org.au website for the Instagram Take Time challenge. They’re inviting people across Queensland to share what it looks or feels like when they ‘take time’ for the things that boost their mental wellbeing.
 
Your post must be shared on Instagram using #QMHWTakeTime and can capture anything from a moment to an artwork. You might like to show how important it is to be active, keep learning, give, connect, enjoy the moment, or care for our planet. Just be creative, be yourself, and join the conversation.
 
The challenge will run in the lead up to Queensland Mental Health Week until Thursday 3 October 2019. There will be six prize draws during this time with all entrants having the chance to win!

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"