​Dare to revisit some of your biggest blunders or crazy arguments in your relationship. Did any occur when one or both of you were under the influence of alcohol? Have you or your partner ever been busted watching porn and what was the reaction? 

Particularly in Australia, it is widely accepted that alcohol is a mandatory aspect of celebrating, de-stressing or basically, it’s just what we do! It is often used as a scapegoat for, “Oh well, I can’t remember” or, “I didn’t mean to say that - I was just drunk.” Does alcohol cause you or your partner to be more sensitive, irrational, defensive or even aggressive during your discussions? It does affect our social interaction even when drinking moderately. A way too large of a proportion of my couple work involves a drinking addiction unveiled by one or both people. Many agree that if alcohol wasn’t featured, they wouldn't even be in relationship therapy.

In my book, Renovate Your Relationship, I also discuss the benefits of consulting with your partner about the use of pornography. Both partners’ values and views need to be explored. We are all well aware this current generation is exposed to and desensitised to graphic sexual acts on average at aged 12. No wonder the wave of early-onset erectile dysfunction (when males are unable to become aroused with their partner unless viewing hardcore videos at the same time on their handheld device). It naturally then can attribute to the fracture in their relationship. Not to mention, the loneliness attributed to countless hours of lost time when one is consumed thinking about porn and unable to be emotionally present with loved ones. Good on theFrench who are moving toward legislation to oblige pornography sites to effectively control the age of viewers on their sites this year.

Recent research confirms that those who either compulsively or curiously use pornography, find they are much happier and healthier without it. 

Whilst, it is worth seeing an addiction therapist to receive essential support, here are some helpful approaches to interrupt the unhealthy patterns that inhibit your relationship

1. Find out what is the root cause of your addiction? Family cultures or poor friendship influences can desensitise you to unhealthy behaviours. Are you filling a chasm or sense of rejection from important caregivers from your childhood or previous relationships?
2. Decide WHY you need to lose the addiction. Write up and display somewhere visually the top 3 reasons why this cannot be a controlling element in your life. “I’ll feel better” won’t stick. Is it more like, “I could lose my marriage”, packs a little more punch? Revisit your WHY or it’ll easily be forgotten when you are tempted.
3. Assess your triggers. Does a stressful day guarantee you will launch into your quick self-medication addictive habit of choice? Is it social media that needs to be deleted from your phone for a time? Do you drive a certain route that connects you to your drinking habit? Do you have certain items in your home that need to be removed such as certain bottles, tumblers, tissues etc that are handy implements to make your habit convenient? Remove them from your sight or home.
4. Create an Insurance Plan for the next temptation. What actions will you put in place that have you one step ahead? Here are just a few: Books, podcasts, mindful meditation, writing journals, ice baths, box breathing exercises, leaving the location or room where you’re tempted at that moment, Drop for some high intense movement such as burpees!

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5. Replacement: What new activity can you replace the endorphin hit such as daily gym work, running, learning a new skill, or attending a new class that also starts to build your new life?

6. Socialise: ensure you have connectivity with the community either through support groups to gain warmth, empathy and acceptance from others. 

Read more on my previous blogs on this topic: 
The Risk Of Being Too Risque
Physical Distancing and Pornogrpahy
 
Other helpful resources:
Your Brain on Porn: Gary Wilson
Helpful Podcasts on Porn and Sex Addiction
Quit Like A Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Society Obsessed with Alcohol Holly Whittaker
The Easy Way to Stop Drinking: Allen Carr

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

Photo by Sara Ben Aziza on Unsplash

We’re up to Part Three of the tribulations of infidelity. Many people ask me if pornography is a contributing cause and is it bad for relationships?
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This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a Relationship Therapist I journey with clients without judgement and respect their opinions and values. With thanks to the contributions on this topic to Clinical Psychologist, Dr Clare Rosoman.

Firstly, here are some interesting statistics from Pornhub. It is a pornographic video sharing website and stated to be the largest pornography site but certainly not the only one on the Internet:

• Their site attracted a total of 28.5 billion visitors in 2017 (around 81 million a day).
• United States was the top country by traffic. Australia maintained eighth place (in the face of adversity of our ridiculously slow internet speed!).
• The breakdown of age groups are:
• 18-24: 30 percent
• 25-34: 28 percent
• 35-44: 18 percent
• 45-54: 13 percent
• 55-64: 7 percent
• 65+: 4 percent
• Female users make up 26% of worldwide Pornhub traffic (Australian women make up 28% of our users.)
• Most frequent time for viewing is between 10pm and 1am. The most popular day is Sunday and least popular is Friday.
• The average length of viewing time worldwide is about 10 minutes however this doesn’t account for the number of times per day.
• It’s a big profitable business! Overall revenue is thought to be $13 billion. Australian revenue is estimated at $2 billion.

According to researchers Paul & Shim, four main reasons they stated in 2008 for using it are:

1. Fantasy: Sexual excitement, satisfaction, curiosity, exploration and anonymity
2. Mood management: emotional regulation, stress relief, escapism
3. Habitual use: habit and convenience
4. Relationship: enhancement, skills, novelty

Some of the common outcomes from pornography use for those in a relationship are:

• Feelings of internal conflict such as shame, depression, anxiety and irritability.
• Social withdrawal and guilt over the financial outlay.
• With frequency, pornography can normalise and desensitise associated behaviours that lead to the pursuit of another person and possible affair. In my experience, the partner not involved in the pornography may view it as a betrayal to the relationship. Not only can the partner feel sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use but find certain new sexual activities objectionable. A new “sexual script” can be introduced and not welcomed.
• Risqué images can start as entertainment, may escalate to compulsions then distorted beliefs, expectations and addictions. The user faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography. They can lose interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with their partner.
• Emotional closeness wanes due to decrease in trust and pornography can be associated with dishonesty.

Is there any benefit for relationships? Some studies say it is not harmful and positive whilst others say it is detrimental. The difference lies in how the questions are asked and who you ask. For example, people in casual relationships are far less likely to have a problem with it than those in long term relationships who have built a life together.

Research has found that mutual use of porn was related to lower levels of distress but unrelated to relationship satisfaction in women. Some say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction. Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone.

Consistent results across studies show the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female which lowers her relationship satisfaction reduces positive communication, creates instability, more relational aggression and lower female sexual desire.

In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com