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Christmas time is approaching! A time of love, of compassion, of togetherness … and often, of barely constrained arguments. Healthy relationships are the underpinning of our mental health so I’ve summarised all the seasonal relationship stiflers I notice in the counselling room.
1. Exhausted and Stressed?: except for my puppy, who isn’t? Recognise your automatic response to overwhelm and how you turn up in your relationship. What are your self-compassion to do’s to help maintain the best version of you? 2. Differing Christmas holiday expectations: Communicate your Plan B now that international cruising or your white Christmas is off the agenda. Discuss if you’re expecting, “me-time”, family time or party time so you both achieve the best Christmas outcome. 3. Christmas party pitfalls: A quick text to the partner not attending the work Christmas party will never go astray to convey you haven’t been captured by Santa’s naughty elves at 3 am. 4. Temptation and Infidelity: A huge devastation to the well-being of you and your partner that impacts generations. Lying by omission counts. 5. Colliding financial values: Short or in surplus? Respectfully communicate how you’d like to manage this so you both get a piece of the pie chart. 6. Misalignment: Regularly check-in on the status of your relationship and how you can each make it through to the 2020 finish line unscathed?
7. Lack of self-confidence: If you can’t confidently assert your needs in your relationship, you’ll get lost along the way.
8. Poor communication style: Have you fallen into the habit of globalising statements such as, “You always..” or “You never…”? Santa knows the truth and it’s likely not always! Use your feeling words to convey the impact of other’s behaviours. 9. Conflict avoidance: Do you employ a healthy approach that ensures respect and kindness even when disagreeing? 10. Lack of self-regulation: If you’re unable to control your rage or become overly emotional, learn self-control strategies and check for any unregulated toxic self-talk. 11.Snubbing your partner’s family: They’re a special part of your partner so embrace or tolerate them lovingly with respect and kindness. 12. Fear: Uncontrolled fear will have you paralysed and missing out on all there is to look forward to in 2021. How can you intentionally and courageously regain control and be a united force next year? Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her recently launched Relationship Rejuvenator Mini-courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ![]() There is a myriad of reasons for relationships to run off track. The main derailers to relationship bliss are inevitably unveiled by the same root causes. If there is a year that would send anyone off the rails to financial chaos and concern, it is 2020! The greatest outcome is a “united front” when it comes to aligning yourselves on the important and inevitable aspects of life - death, money and taxes! You can’t take your hard-earned coin with you to the first one, so you may as well get your finances back on track so you can include some fun with it together beforehand, particularly in the lead up to Christmas! I was recently requested to speak on The Property Couch podcast on money derailers for relationships so here are my top financial quandaries I notice most couples face: 1. Deceit and lack of transparency: the pressures on the main income earner can find them hiding loans, discrepancies in transactions and secret accounts as a result of shame and guilt for poor financial decisions. Stereotypically, women will hide money to pay for such expenses as cosmetic enhancements or clothes. 2. Differing Values: it is common for couples to vary in their high or low-risk approach to managing money and investments. This isn’t necessarily bad except when goals are misaligned! 3. Lack of safety: a partner who not in paid employment or earning less than their partner can feel unsafe due to the lack of perceived financial security when money matters are kept completely separate. Although women are breaking the glass ceiling, I notice they stereotypically still flourish with nurture, protection, and assurance of financial security! 4. Controlling behaviours: it is sadly not uncommon for partners to hide or control money from their partner to prevent them from leaving. This is abuse. 5. Misallocated Roles: the partner who is least adept at managing money is often allocated responsibility for paying bills and making financial decisions. Top 5 Tips to Avoid Money Matters Derailing Your Relationship 1. Be a united force to align values from the outset of the relationship so there is less room for shocking surprises. 2. Educate yourself on wealth creation with books, podcasts and apps to track your progress. Even better, educate your children. 3. Avoid being a financial victim of your family's legacy of financial mismanagement or an impoverished mindset. A vast majority of the relationships I support are people raised from poor relationship mentors that featured challenges such as infidelity, money mistakes and a legacy of separation and divorce. 4. Realise that topics around money are often blamed for relationship breakdown, however the root cause is a symptom of The Three Corrosive C's: Crushed Confidence, Poor Communication and Conflict skills. 5. Romance does not require copious amounts of money to keep your relationship alive whilst saving! It is the emotional attentiveness and the effort put into the daily habits and small gestures! Don’t be too hard on yourselves if you’ve found yourself fast-tracked off the rails when it comes to financial conundrums! Why? Your relationship mentors, parents or grandparents were less likely to require wisdom on how to collaborate with their spouse in areas such as finances and how to raise the children. They didn’t need to check in with each other as their relationships featured more clearly defined, traditional roles that didn’t overlap so much. This is in comparison to today’s common tag team situation—symptomatic of both parents working outside the home where we collide on work, managing finances, home duties and parenting decisions. Learning how to blend two cultures in every relationship can be a beautiful yet challenging task! Learning to respectfully, kindly acknowledge and listen to what is important to each other is paramount. If you’re omitting information, it is your red flag for deceit so have the courage to be open and honest with your partner to align yourselves for financial success in 2021 and beyond! This article featured in the Sunshine Coast Daily. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ![]() Have you ever stopped to think of the myriad of methods we express ourselves? Aside from your beautiful smile, what about your coughs, wheezes, burps and toots (as my young son’s perfectly mannered young buddy most appropriately refers to the latter unpleasantries). We are far from quiet - even the most well mannered among us. Of all the wails, guffaws, laughter with snorts, and shouts; what fascinates me the most is the humble sigh. Did you ever notice how much more you sigh when challenged? Take, for instance, the depth of hurt, pain and sorrow of grief that can never be fully expressed in words. It is a necessary part of our grieving process. Sobbing, sighing and crying are physical signs of grief. Many studies report they are a necessary release of our emotions. Remember that grief does not just involve death but incudes a loss of expectations such as losing your job or the inability to use those air tickets collecting digital dust due to COVID-19. How you breathe has a direct correlation with your central nervous system. As it turns out, the sigh seems critical in maintaining healthy stability as it:
Enjoy a sigh of relief for its purpose in achieving a healthy balance for your well-being, particularly during the uncertainty of 2020. Sigh. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist and podcaster inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
![]() Out of all the rooms in the house, where do you spend most of your time? From your wardrobe, which items get the most wear? Of all the apps on your phone how many do you use the most? How many of your customers account for most of the profit? 80% of results will come from 20% of the action! From where I sit, the 80/20 rule reigns even in the Counselling room! 20% of relationship issues account for 80% of the angst. As a relationship specialist, I have the honour of journeying with individuals and couples at their most major and toughest junctures in their life. I have noticed it is the same few difficulties that have them ill-equipped to enjoy the dynamic and flourishing relationship they deserve. Many clients consistently report their relationship is 80% amazing except for the hefty weight of 20% of the bad times that have them often defeatedly slumped in my office. What is the root cause of the 20%?
What comprises the 20%? The 3 Corrosive C’s:
Have hope that the” 3 Corrosive C”s” can be overcome and do not need to dominate a large percentage of your relationship. Why not take a step back and look at your thoughts about yourself to yourself, how you communicate with your partner and if you approach your differences in a healthy manner? I have all the tools you’ll ever need in Renovate Your Relationship which focusses on these three major inhibitors to avoid fast-tracking to expensive ‘Splitsville’. Through being consciously aware where your relationship habits came from, know you can renovate your relationship to happily ever after! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist and podcaster inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 4 things I’ve learnt from being a marriage counsellor during the pandemic...
Since embarking on my career as a marriage therapist, I unceasingly feel incredibly honoured to journey with individuals and couples during their most challenging junctures of their lives. Add a pandemic and the experience sure has been heart wrenching and inspiring all at the same time. As we continue to experience the symptoms from uncertainty and change, here are four things I’ve learnt as a marriage counsellor during 2020:
I recommend that couples learn from the wise, ask advice from those flourishing couples they respect. You don’t have to follow what can be acceptable patterns of family history that may feature unhealthy relationship habits and divorce. Don’t allow your responses to the adversities of 2020 sever your relationships. Ensure you have the courage to adopt a “help-seeking” mentality when you can’t move forward and find a trusted therapist for an unbiased perspective with someone who can impart well researched tools. Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools You’ll Ever Need For Your Most Important Project. Download FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com/resources I want to hold your hand, Every time we touch, Touch me. There are so many lyrics in history about the importance of touch. Physical touch communicates positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. Consider the elderly, incarcerated, people choosing to be isolated or those unwell without the language of touch. From a passing brush on the arm that breath-taking and memorably featured during those early days of courting to the affirming 'I’m here for you' meaning 30 years down the track. We thrive on touch. The way we are touched can have a lifelong impact - good and bad. I’ve enjoyed a great debate over a wine on the value of being able to read and touch. Many enjoy the full sensory experience of the paper as they thoughtfully turn over and rustle the pages. Do you relish the faint inky waft of a brand new paperback or the rich, full musty aroma of a much loved old book? Do you consciously notice the smell of your newspaper during your comforting ritual perusing the Sunshine Coast Daily with a cuppa settled back in your favourite spot to soak up the latest lifestyle inspirations, who got “touched up” at the footy, view the weather map and find out what’s on? 'I am also touched' when after three years of writing this column, I’ve been surprised and delighted for the feedback on the impact of my passion for inspiring dynamic and thriving relationships for the well-being of the community. I love your emails prompting much content on what Sunshine Coast Daily readers are challenged by in your relationships. I recently wrote about our human tendency to resist change, often stuck in the “comfort of our discomfort” and rely on the safety of repetition and consistency. As Sunshine Coast locals embrace the transition from print to digital format of their newspaper this week, join me in remembering the benefits of technology that we often loathe, can’t live without and are indulging in more of at a rapid pace! I personally love the immediacy of a quick download of the latest book release. You’ll see me intently charging along the Mooloolaba esplanade with headphones in the wee early hours gleaning the latest neuroscience wisdom from an audio book. I love to use commute time to grab a quick snippet of a chapter through the car stereo. I also use the “double swipe down” function on my smartphone enabling it to read me the article on my screen whilst I cook. My recipe for transitional success is to blend of touch of reminiscent by memorialising your final copy of your newspaper in the “pool room” with a touch of innovative, forward-thinking mindset. You can show and tell your grandchildren’s children about the days of the printed newspaper. Expect them to be 'touched' with amusement as they peer quizzically through their augmented reality spectacles that upon a simple verbal command searches and projects the final date it was printed. Let’s Shake, Rustle and Roll with the technology! In the meantime, if you’re longing for more of the printed word, my commemorative version of many of these articles and more will be available in the coming months in my first paperback, Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project. Reserve your copy HERE. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ![]() The spotlight last week was on some extraordinary hairy beings often found leaning over a BBQ, sometimes with a tinned beverage in hand grunting and roaring with laughter over conquests, footy scores and how the country is run. This bushy variety is known for speaking fewer words than their female counterparts, display less facial expressions, can’t see as many shades of colour and may lack empathy when their loved ones nearby are suffering a head cold. Known as higher risk-takers, this breed are therefore more likely to have more accidents. They die younger from lifestyle-related health conditions and less likely to go for a health check-up despite nagging ailments that persist. So why the focus on the menfolk and their weird and wonderful ways? Last week was Men’s Health Week - designed to heighten awareness for preventable health problems and encourage early detection and treatment of disease among men and boys. So firstly, you blokes are an exceptional bunch with many characteristics us ladies will never be able to match. I’ve described fellas most stereotypically, however some women are even furrier than their man! This is a great opportunity to celebrate our mosaic brains and the incredible, uniqueness of the masculine and feminine tendencies found in all blokes – some weighted in more areas than others. The world needs you and your health is a critical matter. There are health issues which only affect men. The world could be more sensitive toward your needs and how we promote healthcare in a way that makes it a more engaging place for which you can be cared for. Whilst the government and the medical profession could consider how to provide more men-friendly practices tailored to blokes, here’s what blokes could do better:
You might portray as fearless but don’t let it be your killer. In honour of Men’s Health Week – reach out when the chips are down and go get that check-up! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ![]()
How would you rate yourself on the “change scale”? Revel, avoid or somewhere open to it and in between? In the counselling room, it’s often a point of contention when couples find they are “poles apart” from their partner on the “change scale” in their personality analysis. This would explain why your husband might be frustrated at your frequent need to rearrange the lounge room furniture, experiment with new recipes and become aghast when you exclaim that you both must jump in the car and drive to Cairns for a few days, leaving today! Maybe it is you that recoils in horror at the thought of moving house ever again? Do you take all necessary precautions to avoid drinking out of anything other than your usual coffee mug? Maybe you can’t even contemplate July when you won’t be able to physically turn the pages of your Sunshine Coast Daily magazine during your Saturday morning ritual and need to source your local news from your phone?
For many, the same expectation for each day is a place of comfort and any alteration change creates confusion and even anxiety. The reality is, we can attempt to control our environment as much as possible however unexpected change are an integral part of life from which we could all do with life skills to cope. The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, work redundancy, neighbours moving on, illness and COVID-19 are also in this category. Some elements of life we glean status or become defined by but can change instantly and forever. Adversely reacting to change is normal so don’t judge yourself. To be nervous about initiating change, even a good one is common. Whether it’s thrust on you or not, giving yourself credit for courageously approaching the effects versus avoiding emotions such as sadness, despair or confusion is a helpful mindset. Initiating change? Constantly remind yourself why you’re doing it. What was the outcome you were seeking at the start and have you faltered or strayed from your end goal out of fear? It is common to be stuck in the comfort of your discomfort resulting in a stagnant nervous system that inhibits new, healthy neural pathways resulting in positive habits and happiness.
Unplanned uncontrollable change? Isolation increases your stress levels as does the fighting and fearing it. Whilst you might need to retreat momentarily, ensure you connect with others to share your woes, worries and “what if’s”. You’d be surprised how they can relate, been through something similar or might share a profound and productive way they cope.
Allow for self-compassion and any soothing rituals that make you feel better throughout the real rough patches. It can be a roller coaster of emotions so go for that run, watch tellie, eat something delicious and keep it all in moderation. As you bravely embrace the unordinary, unfamiliar, weird and sometimes resultantly wonderful, remember change is inevitable. If you are well resourced with resilience skills, you can healthily expect the discomfort of the initial imbalance as you approach plan B, C and D. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ![]()
Australians in many states can enjoy a glorious winter but we may still withdraw a little from the chill, find it harder to exercise and feel more irritable. Our lips get dry and cracked and so can our relationships. You may have started the year with the intention to give your relationship another big shot and rekindle the connection, then found it further strained throughout social isolation. As we approach mid-year, maybe you’re both on the downward spiral and bogged down.
Whilst this one is more for the ladies, I know you blokes will sneek a peek. So gals, here are your winter intimacy revival techniques you’ll love and could well loathe:
With thanks to Laura Doyle for some great concepts gleaned from her contribution to relationship therapy. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ![]()
It's likely I'm going to be one someday, so have shelved the Mother-In-Law jokes this week as Part two of “What to do about my partner’s strange friends and family?” - in preparation for Mother’s Day next week.
Last week I touched on the myriad of ways these “free gift with purchase” people with your spouse can infiltrate your love nest causing bitterness and resentment. Speaking of FREE, keep reading to ensure you get the free unique Mother's Day gift with a difference. Firstly, let’s assume that anyone unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well. Many find they’ve built themselves a quiet place inside their imaginary cave as a last resort to coping. (Social distancing also won’t go on forever!) Others are still feisty and will attack any outsiders who may compromise the new family culture they’re trying to create. Thankfully, you now have my tips using an acronym from the word RESPECT: Respect: Everyone deserves it and so do you. You’re likely different from your in-laws and it’s important to respect the parents of the spouse you’ve chosen to love who made them. How much is healthy to be involved is another thing. Establish boundaries that support your new family culture. You are your partner can decide what are the best and worst parts of your respective up-bringing you’d like to bring to your own new family culture. Set the benchmark for those aspects of your life you’re unable to compromise on. This allows you to be more patient and flexible to accept the differences in other areas. What a beautiful gift to your partner to integrate their traditions or funny quirks into your lives for comfort and familiarity. Can you try and replicate that chocolate pudding for your husband his mother used to lovingly make?
Prepare yourself for all the making up for lost time visits and holidays together following the pandemic. Evaluate your self-talk to ensure it is loving and kind. If you’re already ruminating over their negative behaviours, past hurts and plotting revenge, it won’t take much for you react less than favourably. Hurling your glass of red wine at your wife’s best friend at their wedding will be something you’ll regret.
Enjoy them! Again, you’ve bought into this relationship and will invest favourably for long term return if you make it your business to find something to like about them. What fascinating differences can you learn more about and appreciate? Champion admirable behaviour and skip the constant judgement. It’s exhausting and taxing on your mental health. Your spouse’s friends and family may not have table manners, the courtesy to call before they drop-in, know when to stop drinking and the list goes on. Instead of cutting them out of your life, can you consistently mentor your values and teach your children? Maybe it’ll catch on? Take steps to forgive! Unforgiveness of their wrongs holds you in a vice-like grip of toxic stress due to consistent high levels of cortisol in your body – even if you don’t realise it. Who wants to die young because of their Mother in Law? Here's my thoughtful gift idea FREE for you to download. It's a beautiful list of prompts to deepen your knowledge of your Mum - "Legacy of Love Questions for Mother's Day". She can complete them together with you or just send them in her own time. Hey Dads! Roll up the print-out and gift on behalf of small children. If you're a Mother, print and gift them your inner thoughts, desires and history! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised. Approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Solution Focussed Therapy and Emotionally Focussed Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for Individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for face to face sessions including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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