How much does a sport like netball and being a part of any team sport enhance your relationship skills? Plenty! Here are my thoughts on this topic as requested by the Sunshine Coast Daily.
 
At the time, I didn’t realise how much playing team sport as a child has contributed to strengthening my social skills to build healthy relationships. Aside from developing coordination (not sure if I ever mastered this one!), and benefiting from fitness, here’s what I learnt to do:

• Reflect on my performance when I contributed to losing.
• Deal with “ball hogs”, bullies, witness on field tantrums and hear swearing from others when they didn’t win.
• Listen and respect my elders such as the coach, referee and sports officials (even when we didn’t agree).
• Enjoy comradery, to build each other up “when the chips are down”.
• Positively bond with other females as they’re particularly important to women.
• Talk out problems with my teammates either about the game or otherwise.
• Build tenacity and resilience to grind through gruelling training sessions.
• Not rely on a screen for entertainment.
• Enjoy confidence when we achieved as a team.
• Play by the rules, learn consequences and personal boundaries.
• Experience the joy of sharing the adventure of visiting new places with others.
• Notice a consistent correlation in academic success when I applied the same principles of hard work and dedication.
• Appreciate “muscle memory” when I’ve continued to exercise as an adult.
• Take advantage of being inspired by healthy and fit lifestyle mentors.

 
How does this translate to adult relationships? I now have:

• A greater ability to work, live and tolerate people with different values, backgrounds and idiosyncrasies.
• Insight my harsh words cannot be rewound and the need to own my poor selfish behaviour
• An understanding that what motivates me, may not inspire someone else.
• The joy of seeking to provide care and love in a way that is different to mine.
• A greater chance of successfully placating someone else facing loss, disappointed or distressed.
• No problem seeking wisdom from mentors who consistently enjoy a great marriage or relationships.
• The benefit of fulfillment of self-sacrifice to support someone else.
• The knowledge that exercise is the best stress, depression and anxiety medication that contributes to being the best wife, mother, daughter and neuropsychotherapist I can be!

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

What are some common behaviours seen in children who come from split families? 
Dependent upon their age, children cannot always communicate with words. Their responses to parent’s separation may be expressed in behaviour. Some children become very withdrawn. They lack knowledge of the importance of talking about separation change or missing the absent parent. Younger children may become very 'clingy' for fear of losing their remaining parent. Others may 'regress' in behaviour and toilet training. Some act younger than they did before the separation. Nightmares are not uncommon, as well as rebellious or aggressive reactions to other children or their parents.
 
Whilst the separating parents are grappling with their own difficult emotions, it’s imperative to remember the children might be reacting with distress and need your special attention. With time and attentiveness, these behavioural problems disappear. If there has been abuse or their reactions persist over a long period, it is best to seek some professional help.
 
What can the parents/carers do to help their child overcome these issues?
 Children are not immune to the effects of the parent’s anguish. The resulting toxic atmosphere of arguments can be fuelled by hurt, sadness, possible guilt and feeling a failure. As the adults gradually accept the separation, the children are more likely to do the same.
 
Despite the enormous difficulty, there are immense benefits for the family to forgive. Numerous studies have shown that we when don’t forgive and revisit our memories of the supposed wrongdoing, a fear response is produced in our amygdala (the part of our brain responsible for our emotions). This response causes a release of stress hormones which increases our heart rate and blood pressure. If we keep holding on to our betrayals and anger, this response remains active, putting us at risk of developing stress-related illness both mentally and physically. Forgiving is not easy. Just like any other difficult or new task, you need to learn how to do it with repetition and consistency. For the sake of your own emotional well-being, as well as that of your children - it’s worth it. 

How can the parents/carers help their child accept and understand the living situation?
 The most important gift you can give your children is to remind yourself, you’re both their heroes. The biggest reason not to criticise the other parent in front of them is not to steal an important aspect of themselves – the person who created them. We underestimate the terrible effect of openly discussing how bad the other parent is. This can create serious disharmony as they navigate relationships as an adult.

Give the children an age appropriate honest account of the impending changes without blame. Explain who is moving away, and when and where they will see the other parent
Ensure your children know you both still love them and that this will always be the case. Whilst you might be frequently falling apart on the inside, attempting to create a safe and stable environment is paramount. Keeping to routine as much as possible is helpful.
 
Don’t be tempted to rely on your older children for emotional support but turn to trusted friends, family or counsellor. It is not uncommon for me to support an individual or couples through this process to ensure they remain responsible and loving co-parents.  
 
Give the children the space to express their own feelings about the other parent, even if those feelings are not the same as yours.
 
Where possible, talk to the other parent about important communication options, such as a diary or online synced calendar for important school events, fees, activities and play dates. Talk to your children's teachers or day care staff so they can help nurture them and manage any unusual behaviours.

What can divorced couples do to make peace for their child?
Reassure children that they are not to blame and you both love them. Children can mistake anger from their parent’s arguments as directed toward them. Sadly, they often interpret any of their own troublesome behaviour to be the cause of their parent's divorce.
 
You can make peace for child by knowing that your decision to divorce was considered carefully and over a long period of time. Only when you know you gave the marriage your 100% to rejuvenate and repair it even without success, will you look back with less regret as you recreate a connected and loving environment for them.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

Welcome to Part Two discovering wondrous facts about the amazing women’s brain brought to you by neuroscientist and author Dr Sarah McKay.
 
Today I’m passing on research on a topic of women’s health I’ve personally solidly relied on for many years. Countless excuses have been based on this tag line as a solid and acceptable explanation for my human short comings. Peruse my extensive list of “stupid things I’ve done or forgotten to do”, you’ll find many reasons why under this category. It has been an acceptable fall back for the times when I’ve been a substandard wife who can’t remember what my point was in the first place, forgetful mother of “casual clothes day” and when I’ve referred to a client by the wrong name. This forgiving justification has been commonly used by the sisterhood in history for goodness knows how long however I’m devastated to reveal: Baby Brain Is Not a Thing!
 
“Surely not” the mothers of the Sunshine Coast gasp! I know, I also have needed to take time out to digest this shocking news. “How could this be?” you yell back at me. “You’re kidding me right?” you exclaim. Sorry ladies, you’ve bought into a stereotyped and cultural misconception! I can see all the hairy male types by now are completely exasperated and confused.
 
It’s timely I drop into this article, credible sources such as “Nature Neuroscience”, who published findings of an extensive and thorough study on first time mothers’ brains that were scanned before and after pregnancy. A computer program was able to automatically tell if a woman had been pregnant based on her brain scans. Here’s also what they found:

• Pronounced and long-lasting grey matter shrinkage related to social cognition, empathy and theory of mind. Note that “shrinkage” here isn’t what you think. It reflects synaptic pruning and ‘functional streamlining’ of circuits, not degeneration! Theory of mind is about reading faces and emotions. When women looked at photos of their baby, regions that showed the strongest neural activation corresponded to these regions that had thinned during pregnancy. Incredulous!
• Reduction in hippocampal volume that returned to normal (associated with memory). Despite verbal and short-term memory tests during hippocampal shrinkage, these women still passed and even more, reflected no memory change during or after pregnancy! Whaaaat?

 
So why did I forget to get out of my pyjamas, eat nor cover myself after breastfeeding before answering the door? Researchers did see some evidence in small reductions in memory in the third trimester of pregnancy and just afterward. Lack of sleep due to discomfort, aching and nervous anticipation is a logical explanation for any forgetfulness here. There is also the notion of “primary maternal preoccupation” which means I would’ve been so focussed on my new little buddle of amazement to the exclusion of anything else. That poor courier man.
 
Shortcomings in the detail of MRI scans in humans require researchers to examine expectant rodents. Motherhood makes female rodents smarter as compared to their child-free sisters! Researchers suspect the same of humans. Neuropsychological tests consistently and surprisingly find that despite women’s belief of their poor cognition, they prove otherwise! Hey Mums, we are smarter than we thought so don’t buy into the cultural beliefs and stereotypes around your rollercoaster of emotions since giving birth.
 
One important takeaway from Dr McKay was the importance of thriving in large social groups benefiting from the watchful eye of more experienced mothers and grandmothers. Fast forward this to families in 2019 on the Sunshine Coast and you’ll find plenty first time mothers distant either emotionally or geographically from their birth mothers, frequently apart from their partner working long hours often away and isolated. Our village is missing! What is essential to a healthy brain and maternal wellbeing? Love and social connection.
 
Head to www.yourbrainhealth.com.au for your copy of The Women’s Brain and more. Listen to my interview with Dr Sarah McKay with Kristian from Salt106.5 on my podcast, “Is This Love?”

Joanne Wilson is a neuro psychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

I’m sure every man on this planet would love to flip open the lids of women for a “heads up” on what is really going on in there. Craving that comprehensive guide to explain our curious behaviours? Seek to unlock the key to understanding our state of mind, temperament, endearing nuances and especially find that ON switch in the bedroom? Here’s your big chance - your new handy guide entitled, The Women’s Brain.
 
I’ve just had the honour of interviewing Oxford-educated neuroscientist and TEDx presenter, Dr Sarah McKay. Her first book on the neuroscience of women’s health, hormones and happiness turns out to be quit the myth buster!
 
It seems even Dr McKay was surprised by the evidence she unveiled. More incredibly the humungous gaps in women’s health neuroscience research around a bunch of sensitive female topics of magnitude including the neurobiology of orgasms.
 
What about these other questions of substance?

• Does our menstrual cycle change how we feel and think?
• Is PMS a modern-day myth?
• Does the pill cause depression?
• Is there a gene for depression?
• Is baby brain a myth?
• What comes first – hormones, hot flushes or sleep problems?
• Menopausal brain fog or dementia?
• Why do women live longer than men?

 
Dr McKay also provides some wonderful insight to the functioning of the brain around matters of:

• The painful consequences of being left out.
• Why rejection hurts so badly?
• What does a depressed brain look like?
• The difference between dementia and Alzheimers disease.
• How to nurture a healthy brain for life?

 
Whilst Dr McKay didn’t seek to write about the difference between male and female brains, they’re a lot more similar than different. You just can’t separate two groups of male and female people based on the anatomy of their genitals. Instead we should consider our amazing brains as “unique mosaics of different features, some male-like, some female-like, with plenty features best described as androgynous.”
 
Now that’s sorted, who will last the distance? Dr McKay states “teenagers and young men are three times more likely than women to die by accidents (usually in a car), suicide, drowning and violence.” This provides women with quite a head start to the statistics that result in our longevity. Men then contribute to this further as they age with poor health choices. Women are more likely than men to die of dementia, lung disease cerebrovascular disease, influenza and pneumonia.
 
How do we live longer? Centenarians studied in history provide us these fabulous tips based on their key characteristics. Stay lean, avoid smoking, become an expert stress buster, be optimistic, find purpose and avoid neurotic tendencies. Lastly, women have your children over the age of thirty-five. Go figure! Speaking of which, after producing three boys after thirty-five, where is my figure?
 
Watch this space next week when I seek to unveil answers to some of the fascinating questions such as how to nurture your amazing noggin as outlined by Dr McKay next week. In the meantime, head to www.yourbrainhealth.com.au for your copy of The Women’s Brain and more. 

Joanne Wilson is a neuro psychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

 
As promised, my next instalment on the wonderful world of relationships, happiness and the brain!
 
Whilst you might be over my neurobabble of late, you’ve got to love the fabulous findings about the brain that explains joy and fulfillment! Recent social neuroscience research reveals a specific pattern of brain activity occurs when you perform kind acts for others. When your folks asked you to play kindly, they were setting your brain up for success.
 
If you were to hand over $100 to someone in need without expecting anything in return, the limbic region of your brain will go “bing”. Ok, so it won’t make that sound, but it’ll reflect activity you’ve been compassionate. Furthermore, your medial prefrontal cortex and temporoparietal junction would also likely want to say something like, ”nice one” if it could! Whilst there’s much to be explored in this field, you can’t ignore these findings about the warm fuzzies your brain and body experience when you’re benevolent!
 
There was also a very cool study published in Science, conducted through the University of Oregon about neuroarchitecture and altruism. They proved when their research subjects donated money voluntarily or involuntarily their part of the brain associated with the processing of unexpected rewards became active. The neurons there secrete dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in reward-motivated behaviour. (You also get a hit of this with “likes” on your Instagram post.) The team found higher amounts of dopamine for each subject when voluntarily choosing to donate as opposed to when they were forced to. As it turns out, whether we expect a reward or not, the midbrain will become activated regardless of whether we are sad or happy with our reason for doing it. It’s interesting that whether you feel good about it is irrelevant to this “hardwired” reward activity.
 
Now that we know that the brain changes according to experience, activities like focussing, contemplating, and giving, cause it to grow and change. This is consistent with evidence of how your genes can be affected by your own environment. It makes absolute sense you can practise and train yourself or your children to be gracious and helpful for health reasons. The downstream effects of healthy brains to our body is an exciting current field of exploration.
 
The bottom line? Find health and happiness by actively seeking opportunities to give and support others in your daily life. If you have children, create rituals in your family that inspires regular contributing together so it’s a natural enjoyable part of their culture from a young age.

Examine yourself for those unhealthy ways you may have become addicted to lighting up your brain such as social media. We can also get tunnel vision with our robotic and urgent to-do’s, stuck in the latest reality television series or so distracted by our own problems; we lose sight of this grand beautiful picture! A world where we stay true to our inherent design relying on and supporting dynamic relationships and well-being for all.

With thanks to “Altruistic behaviour - mapping behaviour responses in the brain” sourced from the National Library of Medicine.

Joanne Wilson is a neuro psychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email.

I’m passing on a beaut little “go to” designed to keep your relationships thriving as well as beat off depression and anxiety.
 
As featured last week, I had the honour of interviewing US neuropsychologist, Dr John Arden who’s devised a handy acronym that creates a happy and healthy brain. Post this up in your bathroom mirror for a constant reminder on ways to inspire SEEDS of joy for a fulfilling lifestyle, especially as we head on into the winter months here in Australia:
 
S is for Social Connectivity: I know it can get so “peoply” out there sometimes but like it or not, we are designed relationally and thrive on emotional attentiveness. Loneliness causes cellular changes resulting in a weakened immune system, a propensity for addiction and even early symptoms of dementia! Our telomeres (caps on the end of our chromosomes) can shrink without cultivated and fostered social brain networks. Keep yourself engaged with real time authentic family or friends versus online acquaintances, likers and followers!
 
E is for Exercise: Dr Arden says exercise is better than any anti-depressant or anxiety tool on the planet! He encourages 30 minutes of increased heart rate activity every day to stave off the blues. An array of awesome brain-enhancing biochemical processes occurs when we exercise which include producing new neurons in our brain. (No wonder all my best ideas are invented during a long jog, though unsure about the science of new concepts in the shower yet!).
 
E is for Education: I’m sure you’ve heard, “If you don’t use it, you lose it”- true story. If you’re not constantly learning, you’re not building an infrastructure of brain connectivity. The more connectivity, the richer your cognitive reserve later in life.
I recently read about Yale professor, Paul Bloom who specialises in cognitive psychology and pleasure research. He says pleasure doesn’t just occur – it develops. Want to know how to get it? He says study more! Aside from a headache from guzzling a lot of expensive wine frequently, we know it won’t provide as much happiness as if you were to learn about wine along the way! Instead of seeking delight from experiencing something over and over, gain knowledge from your object of pleasure.
 
D is for DIET:  Feed your brain with nutritious fuel as your brain chemicals need it. A diet of fried hot chips and sauce will starve your amazingly created head of healthy neurotransmitters. Do that and you’re up against it to think clearly and positively.
Neuroscientist Dr Caroline Leaf states 95% of your serotonin and half of the dopamine in the body are produced in your gut. Importantly, don’t fall into the trap of the unnecessary sense of urgency to eat on the go. Eat slowly until you’re 80% full and let your mind be your guide – not your eyes!
​
S is for Sleep: Achieving functional sleep is a deterrent for depression and anxiety. Dr Arden says sleep medications can hinder our sleep cycle required to naturally consolidate memories. Did you know your brain and body stays quite active when we sleep as it plays a housekeeping type role removing toxins? When we mess it all up with drugs and alcohol, it makes sense we experience that very apt term I recently heard of, “hangxiety” and dreadful symptoms afterward. Do it often enough and you get depressed and anxious. Struggling in this area? Start with mindfulness, prayer, exercise or a therapist to collaborate on sleep strategies to combat any over-thinking at all the wrong times.

Happy planting and join me next week for another great way to light up the reward centres of your brain!

Email me if you’d like more information on Dr Arden’s SEEDS Worksheet and don’t forget to listen in for my interviews with some of the esteemed authors and neuroscientists from the conference on Friday mornings Salt 106.5 breakfast show with Kristian.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. 

I’m sure my Intelligence Quotient increased this week merely by attending the International Conference of Applied Neuroscience. You’re welcome to contest this but I’m enthusiastically owning it.

​As I basked in the company of a bunch of “incrediclever” mental health workers with PhD’s, GP’s, psychologists, counsellors and social workers, I marvelled at their earnest desire to help and inspire people to wellness.
 
You’d think my newly acquired intelligence would produce an article featuring some rather substantial long words commencing with neuro and ending with brain-derived neurotrophic factor. Whilst these terms are incredibly important, I’ve kept it simple for us.
 
Love is the answer.
 
For all this listening and learning from thought leaders in my field, you’d think I’d need to share much more today. Whilst there were some fascinating insights to share in subsequent articles, this is a simple, beautiful place to start.
 
No matter how compromised your home life was as a child, how much you’re grieving from loss, how bullied you’ve been, neglected, lonely or subsequently depressed you feel – finding someone to provide you emotional attentiveness can be your turning point toward thriving and joy. Enjoying the trusting therapeutic alliance with another beautiful human who will listen, guide and support your choice to growth is a gift. Those people who help you realise you truly matter - is paramount.
 
Did you also know that feeling bad over life’s curve balls does not mean you necessarily have a mental disorder?
 
Our immediate society means we expect an instant fast connection and quick fix. I’m talking about the next Netflix episode “coming up” in 30 seconds, high speed online information (not on the Sunshine Coast unfortunately), fast food and a pill for anything else. Death and grieving, losing your job or feeling down when life isn’t going so smooth may not mean you require a mental health diagnosis. Adversely, experiencing true joy as a comparison to life going great doesn’t mean you are manic!
 
Life sure is a roller coaster and building resilience with your toolbox of healthy strategies is worth acquiring. When you can’t get out of your funk, lean on a mental health professional to help you navigate your way out and decide if you need medicinal support. Just saying, it doesn’t always mean you’re about to be diagnosed with a ghastly disorder!
 
Furthermore, gone are the days we can blame our inherited genes for all our shonky habits, depression, anxiety or any tendency to chew with our mouth open. Sorry folks, you can only allocate only 2% of your “pre-determined” genes to that. The rest are non-encoded which means the other huge 98% is affected by your environment and subsequent ability to self-regulate, apply self-discipline and be resilient in the face of adversity. Genes only lay out potentials and vulnerabilities but don’t dictate your thoughts, feelings or behaviour. You can even turn them off by changing your behaviour and environment! Change that and your brain changes. Very cool.
 
This has been found to apply to other mammals. Did you know that research studies prove that rat pups who were lovingly licked by their rat mummy have greater resilience and regulation than those who didn’t enjoy such a caring environment? These happy little gnarly rodents enjoy a more effective thermostat for stress featuring less cortisol and more serotonin (the happy neurojuice).
 
Love is the answer!
 
With special thanks to Dr John Arden, author of Mind-Brain-Gene: Toward Psychotherapy Integration, for his inspiring presentation and interview.
 
I look forward to sharing more wondrous “neurofacts” and how important they relate to our relationships. 

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

How’s your day? Maybe not so good? Has your year been an absolute shocker? Are you going through a rough patch? Made some major life mistakes? Grieving through separation or death? Feeling on the outer circle, unattractive, a failure or lonely? New to the Sunshine Coast and don’t know anyone? As depression and anxiety continues to rise, I’ve got an idea to support anyone experiencing bad days that extend into weeks.

You may have read the beautiful poem about seasons from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 that includes, “There’s a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…”

Is this your worst time? Take even the smallest step to turn toward someone else’s time. Turn your shocking time into your best time by gifting a service to someone.  There sure is a time to grieve and be sad, but one wonderful strategy to move from that time is finding the greatest fulfillment in what I believe is inherent in our human design – serving others. Even you have unique talents awaiting to be gifted to others. A neighbour, a stranger or an organisation will be forever grateful for the day you chose to turn your own atrocious, depressing day into your best. This is the day when you put your hand up and extended it to care.  
 
Last week was the 30th year celebration of National Volunteer Week that gratefully honours volunteers. This year’s theme is “Making the World of Difference” and you can too!
 
Search #NVW2019 online for inspiring memes and stories. Surprise someone in your street with a home-made yummy something, pay for someone’s coffee anonymously, deliver food hampers, work at the soup kitchen, create, craft or build anything required. If you can’t think of anything, check out www.volunteeringqld.org.au. Here are their reasons why you will benefit as it offers the chance to:

• act on your values, passions and interests
• make new friendships and create professional networks
• gain work experience and learn new skills
• enjoy new social and cultural experiences
• develop personally and build confidence
• enjoy better physical and mental health as studies show volunteering makes us healthier and happier
• challenge yourself in a supportive environment
• help your community
• have fun!

There are countless stories of incredible people that continue to make the world of difference all because they had a shocker. The world is better they did!

Don’t allow adversity to consume you. Consume it by making a world of difference and one step closer to your time to dance.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Food, glorious food! It’s the Noosa Food and Wine Festival next week and I’ll be there with bells on! The festival will play host to over 200 chefs, producers, winemakers and journalists with a passion for gourmet food and wine. We will be able to taste unique ingredients, watch demonstrations by leading chefs and take part in beach BBQ’s and the festival’s annual beach party. Bring it on, let’s UTF – Unite Through Food.
It got me thinking! Food is one of the wonderful necessities of life. We eat throughout our marriage and relationships and well, every part of our lives. Does Australian culture use this shared experience to strengthen our relationships, say like the Italians?
 
You may well have done the exciting and romantic dates in the early days at your favourite restaurants or on the beach as you gazed hopefully and lovingly into each other’s eyes. What about the every-day upkeep of our relationships?
 
Some of the best conversations you’ll have will be over a meal. It’s universally acknowledged as a great time to discuss a variety of topics, even difficult ones. Don’t underestimate the psychological and emotional benefits, namely social connection, intellectual stimulation, relaxation and romance.


Here’s my top tips for curating culinary cohesion for couples:
 
Give up multi-tasking. Hands up who eats in front of the TV or accompanied by a screen? Thought so. The trap of living under an unnecessary sense of urgency to be entertained, work and of course be ever present on social media can put you in chronic toxic stress and make you sick, including terrible indigestion! Turn off the screens and allow meals to be the perfect time to talk about your highs and lows. It will also slow you down and eat less.
 
Invest the time in home cooking. Savour the satisfaction of creating a dish and likewise having your partner prepare something for you is something you can put loving care and effort into. (Hello husband, I hope you’re reading.) Sure, it’s still a meal, but when it’s made with love, it’s super special and tastes oh so much better! It’s like a tiny, tasty gift at the end of a long day.

Can’t cook? Try learning. This is the perfect joint activity. There are awesome options to do this together here on the Sunshine Coast. Putting in the effort to improve yourself for the sake of your relationship shows a great deal of love and dedication.

Create the mood: Arty and bright or warm and dark tonight? Use those funky little string lights, draw something, use aromatic candles and swoon to the music. Want to feel sophisticated? Throw on some classical. Tweak the atmosphere in your house and bang - date night is on.

Relax and enjoy yourselves! Just because you switched off technology doesn’t mean you need to be super formal. Sit back, relax and chill. Why not kick back on the floor whilst eating for a change? If there are little munchkins in the house, they’ll love a snackable spread on a blanket. Plenty of other cultures do it.

Make it habitual:  It’s all wonderful to now decide to “eat together more often.” Why not hand write a specific goal, ie “Eat together as a family at the table three times per week on a Tuesday…”. Paste this up on the fridge for ALL to see and practice, practice, practice. Keep each other accountable and after 30 days, it’ll be the start of the norm of UTF for you!
​
Just another heads up for your calendar! There’s the inaugural The Curated Plate culinary festival between 8-11 August so head online to grab your tickets.
 
See you on Noosa beach next weekend! I’ll be the one with the empty plate.  
 
Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

You’re sick of fighting. It’s a never-ending merry-go-round of ‘He-said’, ‘She said’, ‘You did this’ and ‘No, I didn’t.’ Sound familiar? If it does, it might be time to work on your ability to forgive.


Do you ever wonder why some people who yet having experienced incredible adversity, come out the other end joyful and kind? It seems one key difference in these individuals is forgiveness. Whether they chose to forgive themselves or their perpetrators had a great deal to do with what followed in their lives. Those that choose anger and hold their grudges seem bitter and tortured their whole lives.
 
 
The decision not to forgive can be toxic – both to yourself and to your relationship. I recently wrote about coping with your partner’s family and friends and this is often an area where you’re challenged to forgive freely.
 
 
I am fascinated by the numerous studies that have shown that we when don’t forgive and revisit our memories of the supposed wrongdoing, a fear response is produced in our amygdala (the part of our brain responsible for our emotions). This response causes a release of stress hormones which increases our heart rate and blood pressure. If we keep holding on to our betrayals and anger, this response remains active, putting us at risk of developing stress-related illness both mentally and physically. Unforgiveness keeps us awake at night and keeps the perceived wrong-doer living rent-free in our head for far too long.


Forgiving is not easy. Just like any other difficult or new task, you need to learn how to do it with repetition and consistency. For the sake of your own emotional well- being, as well as that of your partner - it’s worth it. 



If you struggle to forgive, these five tips may help:

1.    Slow it down
Ensure you are not in a heightened emotional state. Allow 20 minutes to slow your heart rate down then ask yourself these questions to provide a clearer perspective: ‘How is he/she feeling right now?’, ‘Are they justified in their actions?’, and ‘What is my part in this?’ Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is no easy task - especially when it comes to your spouse.

2.    Switch Off the Nasty Voice
We all have an inner voice, and sometimes it doesn’t play nicely. When we fight, its critical nature comes to the fore, spewing forth things like ‘He’s trying to manipulate you.’ or ‘She’s twisting your words again.’ or ‘Just ignore him. You’ll feel better that way.’ All of this is counter-productive to forgiveness. In the heat of emotion, replacing these with kind and respectful self-talk is paramount to moving forward and playing fairly.
 
3.    It’s a choice
Rather than holding on to all the little things your partner has done, (and I know you know what I mean – that vast catalogue of their wrongdoings stored in your brain!) you must learn to choose to leave it behind you. You will have conflict, that is human nature. Don’t hold onto the upsets. Work through the current issue through listening and validating and grow together from it.

4.    Ditch the Baggage
Like it or not, your childhood and parent/carer relationship role models play a big part in the relationship you have with your partner. Perhaps you had a parent who used silence to let you know they were angry. Consequently, each time your partner is quiet, you find yourself wondering ‘What have I done?’. Your partner may just be tired and having a quiet moment. Work out where your fear stems from, put it into context and evaluate your behaviour from this logical, rational standpoint.

5.    Who will win?
When you’re in the thick of an argument, it’s very hard to ‘see the forest for the trees’. You lose track of the goal of being on the side same (a tenet of any good partnership) because you’re so concerned with winning. But for you to win, your partner needs to lose. Is this the outcome you truly want?
 
Set the example on the goal of cooperation and commitment to flexing your forgiveness muscle and watch your relationship pump with synergy!
 
Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.