​Out of all the rooms in the house, where do you spend most of your time? From your wardrobe, which items get the most wear? Of all the apps on your phone how many do you use the most? How many of your customers account for most of the profit?

80% of results will come from 20% of the action!

From where I sit, the 80/20 rule reigns even in the Counselling room! 20% of relationship issues account for 80% of the angst. As a relationship specialist, I have the honour of journeying with individuals and couples at their most major and toughest junctures in their life.

I have noticed it is the same few difficulties that have them ill-equipped to enjoy the dynamic and flourishing relationship they deserve. Many clients consistently report their relationship is 80% amazing except for the hefty weight of 20% of the bad times that have them often defeatedly slumped in my office.

What is the root cause of the 20%?

• Some of us can blame our parents or grandparents for ill-equipping us! Whilst we can’t directly ‘sock it to them’, our ancestors were less likely to require wisdom on how to collaborate with their spouse in areas such as finances and how to raise the children. They didn’t need to check in with each other as their relationships featured more clearly defined, traditional roles that didn’t overlap so much. This is in comparison to today’s common tag team situation—symptomatic of both parents working outside the home where we collide on work, home duties and parenting decisions.
• We can also unconsciously repeat the same approach to relationships as our parents or caregivers. We become stuck in patterns of disconnection over the same bad habits such as passive silence or angry aggression that can grow in momentum.
• We forget that we can default to being selfish, inward focussed with fallible memory recall and easily compare ourselves and our partner to others!

What comprises the 20%? The 3 Corrosive C’s:

1. Crushed Confidence: It never fails to amaze me how much damage we do to our intimate connections because we are too busy slamming ourselves on the head with a metaphorical hammer. Poor self-worth is a silent killer of relationships. An uncontrolled thought life can have us succumb to fear of what “I can’t” and “I’m not”. We ruminate on key moments in life that have us caught in toxic self-deprecating. It is frustrating to watch the countless incredulous and gifted clients who initially cannot see how beautiful and talented they are. How can you contribute to your relationship when exhausting your partner with your reliance on them to boost you and inhibiting that united force you were destined to enjoy?
2. Communication: I like to think that as a therapist, an author and frequent media commentator, I’m quite the communicator. Pop me in a situation where I’m emotionally invested and the harsh reality is, I am not as clever as I think I am. I easily compare to others, can be stubborn and threatened when things don’t go my way. I have learnt to turn the finger back on myself and consciously realise when I’m emotionally triggered. This includes realising fatigue can have me a lot less rational.  We are also not the best versions of ourselves when unfit, fallen into poor eating and drinking habits, stressed and assume we are easily understood.
3. Conflict: Have you ever considered that we are frequently misunderstanding each other a lot of the time? Our memories are incredibly unreliable particularly when our raw emotions are triggered, and reality is skewed. How also can we naturally navigate our way through our differences when the person you’re disagreeing with was initially likely incredibly attractive because they were different and complemented you with features and approaches you don’t have? It has syntax error flashing all over it!

Have hope that the” 3 Corrosive C”s” can  be overcome and do not need to dominate a large percentage of your relationship. Why not take a step back and look at your thoughts about yourself to yourself, how you communicate with your partner and if you approach your differences in a healthy manner?

I have all the tools you’ll ever need in Renovate Your Relationship which focusses on these three major inhibitors to avoid fast-tracking to expensive ‘Splitsville’.  Through being consciously aware where your relationship habits came from, know you can renovate your relationship to happily ever after!  

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist and podcaster inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

4 things I’ve learnt from being a marriage counsellor during the pandemic...
 
Since embarking on my career as a marriage therapist, I unceasingly feel incredibly honoured to journey with individuals and couples during their most challenging junctures of their lives. Add a pandemic and the experience sure has been heart wrenching and inspiring all at the same time.
 
As we continue to experience the symptoms from uncertainty and change, here are four things I’ve learnt as a marriage counsellor during 2020:

1. I’ve learnt couples are responding to COVID-19 in different ways. Some marriages are buckling as the individuals aren’t noticing their agitation, sadness or  impatience is a response to constant stress. We are designed relationally and thrive with hope around certainty for the future. On many levels this is still absent from society.
2. I’ve learnt when my clients look outward to help others, their mental health improves. COVID-19 has heightened our awareness of enjoying great relationships! More than ever, do we contemplate what is important during a year like 2020 and the importance of relying on and supporting others.
3. I’ve learnt social distancing was the greatest thing that could happen to many couple relationships. Many families have benefitted from enjoying the pause on what was a way too hectic lifestyle and since made changes for lasting positive impact. Many couples cruised on “auto-pilot” prior to the pandemic. Some were in a state of busy complacency through to barely tolerating each other and realising the importance of quality time has been mind-blowing!
4. I’ve learnt those couples that have flourished have had an understanding that threats will often rock their love boat. These couples approach adversity by ensuring they consistently check-in on their alliance with a shared vision based on values that feature respect and kindness. The reality is, adult love is conditional, is tested and requires on-going maintenance that supports the unexpected tough times.

 
I recommend that couples learn from the wise, ask advice from those flourishing couples they respect. You don’t have to follow what can be acceptable patterns of family history that may feature unhealthy relationship habits and divorce. Don’t allow your responses to the adversities of 2020 sever your relationships. Ensure you have the courage to adopt a “help-seeking” mentality when you can’t move forward and find a trusted therapist for an unbiased perspective with someone who can impart well researched tools.
 
Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools You’ll Ever Need For Your Most Important Project. Download FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com/resources

​I want to hold your hand, Every time we touch,  Touch me. There are so many lyrics in history about the importance of touch. Physical touch communicates positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. Consider the elderly, incarcerated, people choosing to be isolated or those unwell without the language of touch. From a passing brush on the arm that breath-taking and memorably featured during those early days of courting to the affirming 'I’m here for you' meaning 30 years down the track.  We thrive on touch. The way we are touched can have a lifelong impact - good and bad.
 
I’ve enjoyed a great debate over a wine on the value of being able to read and touch. Many enjoy the full sensory experience of the paper as they thoughtfully turn over and rustle the pages.  Do you relish the faint inky waft of a brand new paperback or the rich, full musty aroma of a much loved old book? Do you consciously notice the smell of your newspaper during your comforting ritual perusing the Sunshine Coast Daily with a cuppa settled back in your favourite spot to soak up the latest lifestyle inspirations, who got “touched up” at the footy, view the weather map and find out what’s on?
 
'I am also touched' when after three years of writing this column, I’ve been surprised and delighted for the feedback on the impact of my passion for inspiring dynamic and thriving relationships for the well-being of the community. I love your emails prompting much content on what Sunshine Coast Daily readers are challenged by in your relationships.
 
I recently wrote about our human tendency to resist change, often stuck in the “comfort of our discomfort” and rely on the safety of repetition and consistency. As Sunshine Coast locals embrace the transition from print to digital format of their newspaper this week, join me in remembering the benefits of technology that we often loathe, can’t live without and are indulging in more of at a rapid pace!
 
I personally love the immediacy of a quick download of the latest book release. You’ll see me intently charging along the Mooloolaba esplanade with headphones in the wee early hours gleaning the latest neuroscience wisdom from an audio book. I love to use commute time to grab a quick snippet of a chapter through the car stereo. I also use the “double swipe down” function on my smartphone enabling it to read me the article on my screen whilst I cook.

My recipe for transitional success is to blend of touch of reminiscent by memorialising your final copy of your newspaper in the “pool room” with a touch of innovative, forward-thinking mindset. You can show and tell your grandchildren’s children about the days of the printed newspaper. Expect them to be 'touched' with amusement as they peer quizzically through their augmented reality spectacles that upon a simple verbal command searches and projects the final date it was printed.
 
Let’s Shake, Rustle and Roll with the technology!
 
In the meantime, if you’re longing for more of the printed word, my commemorative version of many of these articles and more will be available in the coming months in my first paperback, Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project. Reserve your copy HERE.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 

The spotlight last week was on some extraordinary hairy beings often found leaning over a BBQ, sometimes with a tinned beverage in hand grunting and roaring with laughter over conquests, footy scores and how the country is run. This bushy variety is known for speaking fewer words than their female counterparts, display less facial expressions, can’t see as many shades of colour and may lack empathy when their loved ones nearby  are suffering a head cold. Known as higher risk-takers, this breed are therefore more likely to have more accidents. They die younger from lifestyle-related health conditions and less likely to go for a health check-up despite nagging ailments that persist.
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So why the focus on the menfolk and their weird and wonderful ways? Last week was Men’s Health Week - designed to heighten awareness for preventable health problems and encourage early detection and treatment of disease among men and boys. 

So firstly, you blokes are an exceptional bunch with many characteristics us ladies will never be able to match. I’ve described fellas most stereotypically, however some women are even furrier than their man! This is a great opportunity to celebrate our mosaic brains and the incredible, uniqueness of the masculine and feminine tendencies found in all blokes – some weighted in more areas than others.
The world needs you and your health is a critical matter. There are health issues which only affect men. The world could be more sensitive toward your needs and how we promote healthcare in a way that makes it a more engaging place for which you can be cared for.

Whilst the government and the medical profession could consider how to provide more men-friendly practices tailored to blokes, here’s what blokes could do better:

• Be smart about getting medical help and don’t expect persisting symptoms to sort themselves out.
• Develop a help-seeking mentality. Talk!
• Persistently get the lifestyle you deserve that features a healthy balance of work, family and alone time.
• Rely on your partner, friend and family  for support. You’re not designed to do life alone so share your inner world.

You might portray as fearless but don’t let it  be your killer. In honour of Men’s Health Week – reach out when the chips are down and go get that check-up!

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

How would you rate yourself on the “change scale”? Revel, avoid or somewhere open to it and in between? In the counselling room, it’s often a point of contention when couples find they are “poles apart” from their partner on the “change scale” in their personality analysis. This would explain why your husband might be frustrated at your frequent need to rearrange the lounge room furniture, experiment with new recipes and become aghast when you exclaim that you both must jump in the car and drive to Cairns for a few days, leaving today! Maybe it is you that recoils in horror at the thought of moving house ever again? Do you take all necessary precautions to avoid drinking out of anything other than your usual coffee mug? Maybe you can’t even contemplate July when you won’t be able to physically turn the pages of your Sunshine Coast Daily magazine during your Saturday morning ritual and need to source your local news from your phone?

For many, the same expectation for each day is a place of comfort and any alteration change creates confusion and even anxiety. The reality is, we can attempt to control our environment as much as possible however unexpected change are an integral part of life from which we could all do with life skills to cope. The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, work redundancy, neighbours moving on, illness and COVID-19  are also in this category. Some elements of life we glean status or become defined by but can change instantly and forever.

Adversely reacting to change is normal so don’t judge yourself. To be nervous about initiating change, even a good one is common. Whether it’s thrust on you or not, giving yourself credit for courageously approaching the effects versus avoiding emotions such as sadness, despair or confusion is a helpful mindset.

Initiating change? Constantly remind yourself why you’re doing it. What was the outcome you were seeking at the start and have you faltered or strayed from your end goal out of fear? It is common to be stuck in the comfort of your discomfort resulting in a stagnant nervous system that inhibits new, healthy neural pathways resulting in positive habits and happiness.

Unplanned uncontrollable change? Isolation increases your stress levels as does the fighting and fearing it. Whilst you might need to retreat momentarily, ensure you connect with others to share your woes, worries and “what if’s”. You’d be surprised how they can relate, been through something similar or might share a profound and productive way they cope.

Allow for self-compassion and any soothing rituals that make you feel better throughout the real rough patches. It can be a roller coaster of emotions so go for that run, watch tellie, eat something delicious and keep it all in moderation.

As you bravely embrace the unordinary, unfamiliar, weird and sometimes resultantly wonderful, remember change is inevitable. If you are well resourced with resilience skills, you can healthily expect the discomfort of the initial imbalance as you approach plan B, C and D.
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Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Australians in many states can enjoy a glorious winter but we may still withdraw a little from the chill, find it harder to exercise and feel more irritable. Our lips get dry and cracked and so can our relationships. You may have started the year with the intention to give your relationship another big shot and rekindle the connection, then found it further strained throughout social isolation. As we approach mid-year, maybe you’re both on the downward spiral and bogged down.

Whilst this one is more for the ladies, I know you blokes will sneek a peek. So gals, here are your winter intimacy revival techniques you’ll love and could well loathe:

• Indulge in you first! Make a list of 20 things that delight you. Carve out time to do three things in the next week and be responsible for achieving them. Focus on your own desires as it's not your man’s job to make you happy. Entertain the ideas of your list of "I want..." Instead of why you can't or it won't work. You absolutely can overcome resistance or fear as to why it's impossible.
• Express your desires to your partner in the way that inspires. "I would love it if..." Take out the "you"...
• Girl chat. Call a trusted friend who can also support your own desires. Feedback in the Counselling room is us girls generally have too many words a bloke can bear. Share them around! 
• Consider the first three things you think about your husband when asked to describe him and it will give an indication of your approach to your relationship.
• A man needs respect like he needs oxygen. Restore respect with an apology. Act as if you respect your spouse even if you don't feel it right now. Fake it til you make it! He’s quite likely a great guy because you wouldn’t have chosen him in the first place. 
• Helpful in wife language can be critical in man language. Consider what is the outcome you want? A wife expressing her desires is always more powerful than debating or disagreeing with his thinking which can be disrespectful. You can listen to your spouse without agreeing or disagreeing for a moment. Just be an attentive listener. 
• Know where you end and where you husband begins and act accordingly. Do you need to relinquish some control and say, “yes to yourself” then stop doing things for him he could easily do himself?
• Consider your marriage as a wonderful "Self-Improvement" project. It’s much like a mirror and an accurate reflection of the energy you provide to your spouse’s environment. 

• Shift your focus from what you don’t like to what you do! What you focus on attracts more. Express gratitude three times a day to your husband from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
• During conflict, use “Ouch” to convey your hurt and diffuse your reactive torrent of words with this one word!
• Affirm what you want to experience instead of what might be your current reality. What will your “Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy Be?”.
• Consider getting out of that vehicle of contemplating separating or divorce that you’re bogged down in and lead the relationship in a positive and proactive way. You then have some peace you at least gave your 100% before you choose which road you’ll take.
  

With thanks to Laura Doyle for some great concepts gleaned from her contribution to relationship therapy.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

It's likely I'm going to be one someday, so have shelved the Mother-In-Law jokes this week as Part two of “What to do about my partner’s strange friends and family?” -  in preparation for Mother’s Day next week.  

Last week I touched on the myriad of ways these “free gift with purchase” people with your spouse can infiltrate your love nest causing bitterness and resentment.  Speaking of FREE, keep reading to ensure you get the free unique Mother's Day gift with a difference.

Firstly, let’s assume that anyone unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well. 

Many find they’ve built themselves a quiet place inside their imaginary cave as a last resort to coping. (Social distancing also won’t go on forever!) Others are still feisty and will attack any outsiders who may compromise the new family culture they’re trying to create. Thankfully, you now have my tips using an acronym from the word RESPECT: 

Respect: Everyone deserves it and so do you. You’re likely different from your in-laws and it’s important to respect the parents of the spouse you’ve chosen to love who made them. How much is healthy to be involved is another thing.  

Establish boundaries that support your new family culture. You are your partner can decide what are the best and worst parts of your respective up-bringing you’d like to bring to your own new family culture.

Set the benchmark for those aspects of your life you’re unable to compromise on. This allows you to be more patient and flexible to accept the differences in other areas. What a beautiful gift to your partner to integrate their traditions or funny quirks into your lives for comfort and familiarity. Can you try and replicate that chocolate pudding for your husband his mother used to lovingly make?

Prepare yourself for all the making up for lost time visits and holidays together following the pandemic. Evaluate your self-talk to ensure it is loving and kind. If you’re already ruminating over their negative behaviours, past hurts and plotting revenge, it won’t take much for you react less than favourably. Hurling your glass of red wine at your wife’s best friend at their wedding will be something you’ll regret.


Enjoy them! Again, you’ve bought into this relationship and will invest favourably for long term return if you make it your business to find something to like about them. What fascinating differences can you learn more about and appreciate?

Champion admirable behaviour and skip the constant judgement. It’s exhausting and taxing on your mental health. Your spouse’s friends and family may not have table manners, the courtesy to call before they drop-in, know when to stop drinking and the list goes on. Instead of cutting them out of your life, can you consistently mentor your values and teach your children? Maybe it’ll catch on?


Take steps to forgive! Unforgiveness of their wrongs holds you in a vice-like grip of toxic stress due to consistent high levels of cortisol in your body – even if you don’t realise it. Who wants to die young because of their Mother in Law?

Here's my thoughtful gift idea FREE for you to download. It's a beautiful list of prompts to deepen your knowledge of your Mum - "Legacy of Love Questions for Mother's Day".  She can complete them together with you or just send them in her own time. Hey Dads! Roll up the print-out and gift on behalf of small children. If you're a Mother, print and gift them your inner thoughts, desires and history!


Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com



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I haven't spoken to the mother-in-law for six months now ... apparently, it's rude to interrupt.”chuckled one of my clients recently. The focus is mothers-in-law as we prepare for Mother’s Day on 10 May in case you need to prepare!  I have a FREE thoughtful gift idea so read on for access to that one.

Not just the outlaws but extended family and friends, too and  I’m quite sure there are a few relieved people that have found social distancing quite beneficial?

Starry-eyed romantics are often caught unaware after slipping into the love vortex. Clarity is skewed, thanks to oxytocin: the love neurochemical that helps us pair up. Many seal their commitment with a kiss and a ring, only to realise down the marital track there's a whole new group of influencers behind their beloved.

There's Uncle Bert who dropped in unannounced, way too often and your spouse seems incredibly nonplussed. How about your partner's best friend you've never really gelled with from the start? Ever heard of that inappropriate sister-in-law who reveals way too much about your partner's ex? Do you have a father-in-law who unashamedly runs a dictatorship around the money that you've earned? Speaking of your hard-earned coin, how are your stepchildren syphoning that out of your lifestyle? ​

Does social distancing translate to a greater use of pornography? I don’t know but many people do ask me if pornography is a contributing cause to the demise of relationships?

This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a relationship therapist, I journey with clients without judgment and respect their opinions and values. With thanks to the contributions on this topic to clinical psychologist Dr Clare Rosoman.

Firstly, here are some interesting statistics from Pornhub. It is a pornographic video-sharing website and stated to be the largest pornography site but certainly not the only one on the internet. The site attracted a total of 42 billion visitors in 2019 (around 115  million a day). The United States was the top country by traffic. Australia is in ninth place. The breakdown of viewing age groups are:
​

• 18-24: 25  per cent
• 25-34: 36 per cent
• 35-44: 17  per cent
• 45-54: 11 per cent
• 55-64: 7 per cent
• 65-plus: 4 per cent

• Female users increase each year and now makeup 32 per cent of worldwide Pornhub traffic.
• Most frequent time for viewing is between 10 pm and 1 am.
• The most popular day is Sunday and the least popular is Friday.
• 76.6% is viewed on a phone, 16.3% on a desktop PC and 7.1% on a tablet.

It's a big profitable billion-dollar business and researchers Paul and Shim (2008) say the four main reasons for using such services are for:
Fantasy: sexual excitement, satisfaction, curiosity, exploration and anonymity
Mood management: emotional regulation, stress relief, escapism
Habitual use: habit and convenience
Relationship: enhancement, skills and novelty

Some of the common effects of pornography use for those in a relationship are:

• Feelings of internal conflict such as shame, depression, anxiety and irritability.
• Social withdrawal and guilt over the financial outlay

With frequency, pornography can normalise and desensitise associated behaviours that lead to the pursuit of another person and possible affair. In my experience, the partner not involved in the pornography may view it as a betrayal to the relationship. Not only can the partner feel sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use but also find certain new sexual activities objectionable. A new "sexual script” can be introduced and not welcomed.

Risqué images can start as entertainment, may escalate to compulsions then distorted beliefs, expectations and addictions. The user faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography. They can lose interest and engage in fewer sexual experiences with their partner.
Emotional closeness wanes due to a decrease in trust and pornography can be associated with dishonesty.

Is there any benefit for relationships? Some studies say it is not harmful and positive, while others say it is detrimental. The difference lies in how the questions are asked and who you ask. For example, people in casual relationships are far less likely to have a problem with it than those in long-term relationships who have built a life together.

Research has found that mutual use of porn was related to lower levels of distress but unrelated to relationship satisfaction in women. Some say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction.

Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone. Consistent results across studies show the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female, which lowers her relationship satisfaction reduces positive communication and creates instability, more relational aggression and lower female sexual desire.

In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 
 

It seems social distancing and increased downtime for many Australians equates to more screen time. Not  a week goes by when cyber-related challenges aren't raised in the counselling room.
The most common areas for concern discussed in counselling are:

• Frequent late-night use of the internet.
• Addictive games and related conversations with people unknown to partners.
• Obsessive protection of phones that never leave their side.
• Lack of attention to children's hours spent online that causes aggression or moodiness.

If you have children, there are some great online safety quizzes to check their understanding around sharing their images, giving out their information and what to do about online bullying. It could save their life.

I totally love we've become even more connected and technology is a life-line during a pandemic.  Long-distance relationships are enhanced with it and those living or travelling abroad feel closer than ever. In day-to-day life, however, screens are often an unwanted third person in the relationship. When both partners are screen-addicted, it's some sort of crazy foursome where the only real connection is the charging port that sustains this unhealthy attachment.

It's not just our children with whom we need to have sensible discussions. We also need to communicate with our partners. Here are some topics to ask each other:

• What do we perceive is a reasonable amount of screen time per day?
• Can we incorporate a fun challenge with an incentive to reduce it? (Many devices have in-built time tracking to keep you informed.)
• Do we set a good example for screen usage etiquette for children? (That is, putting down your screen, engaging with emotional attentiveness and eye contact or keeping devices away from the dinner table.)
• Do we share new interests apps or games with each other?
• What apps, websites, podcasts or blogs can we both use to enrich our relationship? A great example is the Gottman Card Decks app for couples.
• Do we feel comfortable leaving our phone unattended and face up around our partner?
• Are we comfortable to be online friends with ex-partners, old school friends or new acquaintances of the opposite sex?
• Who do we agree is acceptable for us to chat to online?
• Have we ever gifted money to a cause, a person or organisation and not told each other?
• Do we have a no-screen zone in our house or time frames when we converse real-time in the flesh?
• Do we agree with what each other posts on social media sites?

Enjoy the wonders of technology to be entertained, organised and informed, but if you're withholding information from your partner about your screen use, it's your red flag.

May any downtime feature a healthy balance of enjoying others, exercising outside and whatever else fills you with joy during a pandemic!

Watch this space next week as I contemplate if social distancing increases the use of pornography?

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on her weekly Sunshine Coast Daily Relationship articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com