You’ve fallen hook, line and sinker if you’ve bought into the belief you can cruise through a relationship without a disagreement. In fact, there is plenty of evidence that much of our conflict is caused by personality differences and values that are unsolvable. They’re inevitable!
 
It’s not uncommon for couples I work with to openly admit they avoid conflict at all costs. Unfortunately, it can become increasingly icey below the surface, resentment sets in and the iceberg grows too large for the ship to navigate around.
 
When supporting couples, it’s important for me to help them understand factors such as their key underlying emotions and triggers during conflict however here are some thoughts you can consider first:
 
Realise what it is you’re arguing about.
It’s a value difference. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about two people who have two different thoughts and opinions. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the other person and usually no one has malicious intent. You’re a human being trying to get along with another human being. It’s quite ok not to agree 100% of the time.
 
Work out how important it really is to each of you.
Rank on a 1-10 scale for realistically of “How much this means to me?” For one of you, what luggage to buy for your trip might be very important. For the other, it might be fairly irrelevant and more about criticism, financial values or seeking to be heard.
 
Find out why it’s that important.
If someone lists their choice to cruise around the Medditeranean versus fishing in Darwin as anything over a two or a three, there’s probably a reason. Listen to that reason. Show empathy to your partner as well as active listening. Avoid “correcting” their reasoning. And it goes the other way as well. If the issue’s not important to one of you and you’re just happy to be together, but they keep arguing it, find out why. What’s this really about?
 
Recognise you’ve been triggered: Own the reality that you might not know why it is so important – but it is! Be present with yourself, take a deep breath and check-in with your ego that might be hungry for a feed?

Keep it focussed.
Don’t bring other issues or arguments into your current conversation. That goes for any disagreement, ever. If you find that you can’t address how long you should travel for without mentioning what happened last week, guess what? That’s likely an issue you need to be addressing next.
 
Work as a team to find a solution.
Sometimes there might need to be more of a respectful compromise. Maybe the person who’s super invested in the holiday can be the researcher, and the other person will take control of the financial aspect. Whatever the solution, work together and show kindness the same as you would your neighbour or friend.
 
Everyday value differences are one of the most common problems couples face, and in the long run they can kind of be damaging. Bottling up your emotions is a fast way to an even worse problem, so it’s important to get it out in the open and deal with the issue like adults. Whether it’s holiday destinations, parenting, dishwashing or even food decisions, don’t let small value items turn into big value problems.
 
Most of all, be timely with your communicating your grievances. Don’t forget that respect and kindness is the foundation of your flourishing relationship. Enjoy the ride.

Listen in for my chat each Friday morning with Kristian on Radio Salt106.5.
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Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Have you seen that smart fridge where you don’t need to open the door to see what’s inside and it also communicates with Woollies if there’s something missing? I so need that! Is it more like I want it? In this crazy first world, it seems we absolutely need the latest groovy gadgets. Many are striving to keep up with Instagram worthy exotic holidays, eating way too much yet drowning in guilt for being too exhausted to get to gym. Are you working like crazy to haul in the required cash for this enviable lifestyle and ruminating over all the things you’re not?
 
We also can’t enjoy dynamic and flourishing relationships if you’re the withdrawn shadow of your former exuberant self. When you can’t contribute to your intimate partner, family and friends because you’re so exhausted, sad, depressed or full of self-loathing, many of your interactions won’t end so well.
 
Enjoy my top 10 tips to ensure you’re investing in your “Best Version of Yourself” for great relationships:

1. The comfort of your discomfort: Your whirring toxic thoughts of “can’t” and “not good enough” will continue to hold you in a vice like grip if you allow your brain to be stuck in the comfort of your discomfort. It sure is a cosy familiar place but only you control your thoughts which lead your mind and body.
2. Start with a breath and a bang: Up to eight minutes of mindful breathing or prayer nourishes your neural pathways and reinforces coherence in the heart, setting you up for success with clarity. Back this up with a list of the three most important things to do today that will have the largest impact. Bang!
3. See an Overwhelmologist: Who’s that? Mentors that tell you how they did it. They can break down where you want to be into bite size pieces to help you get there. It could be someone working in our dream industry, another parent at school you admire, a successful Uncle or a Counsellor ala moi!
4. Watch a thought leader online each week: For those who don’t like reading, you’ve got inspiration from reputable gurus on Youtube on your smart phone any day of the week on any topic such as relationships, real estate and finance!
5. Exercise: Edorphins, enhanced corticol blood flow, feel amazing - just do it.
6. Self-compassion: I’m thinking golf days, horse riding weekends, day spas, silent retreats, flotation tanks, brewery tours, a fluffy, bubbly bath at home or a book under a tree. Like me, I’m sure your to do list is endless and it’s important to not do as well. I even block gap time out on the calendar.
7. Be grateful: Write down three things each morning and three things each night. Include the best aspects of yourself you already feature instead of getting to stuck in what you’re not. Stick them in a jar and enjoy reading your time capsule which will include those days when you struggled to find one thing!
8. Build a “feel good” tribe: Surround yourself with inspirational people. Un-friend those who consistently leave you feeling like a lesser version of yourself.
9. Stop looking for shortcuts: Sorry to break it to you but those abs really won’t reveal themselves with a pill, your glowing skin won’t shine for eating hot pies and sauce and your dream job won’t be offered whilst Netflixing.
10. Experiment and learn a new thing each week: Fear will sure keep the lid on your wildly successful and wonderful ideas. Think like a scientist who relentlessly experiments, searches, tests and tracks their progress. When in doubt, bias toward experiment and action.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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You must be feeling incredibly appreciated, astonishingly good looking and oh so fabulous this week. I bet that spring in your step is just a little bouncier today and your grin even wider than Luna Park? I can’t imagine how fulfilled and contented you must be just for knowing you’re acknowledged for the stamp you’re making on this world.
 
Why on earth would that be? Why, it was World Compliment Day last Friday. I’m assuming you also surprised and delighted your fellow human beings as you shared the beautiful feeling of wellbeing well into the weekend. Who thinks of a World Compliment Day? Some guy in the Netherlands thought it was a good idea to come up with the most positive day in the world. If that’s true, good on you Hans – I’m all for it.
 
There’s nothing I like better than positive reinforcement to rock my world. It could be that lovely Helen at the local pool to tell me she read and liked my article, my husband to say I look real pretty in that dress or my little tykes exclaiming their spag bol is amazing. I just want to do a massive “Oh what a feeling” Toyota jump on those days. I then find myself generating even more tributes to others too. It has a ripple effect!
 
 Yet so many of us at times in our life have enormous difficulty and feel incredibly awkward receiving the verbal gift of a compliment. It’s no different to my bestie carefully selecting a well thought a gift of a book from my favourite author and wrapping it beautifully. Excitedly she presents it, and I despondently say, “No thanks, take it back.” What the heck? How hurt and disappointed would she be?
 
How can we learn to enjoy and receive the gift of a compliment to practice for next World Compliment Day and the 364 in-between?
 
Firstly, reasons why we deflect them include lack of self-acceptance from low self-esteem, shame and guilt, anxiety, depression, perfectionism and narcissism. We can suffer some real hard-knocks and make some ridiculous choices in quick succession. Some people were raised hearing the theme, “You’ll never be good enough”. No wonder then you’d have trouble believing there’s something worthwhile to say about the person you so often dislike – you.
 
We go to great magnitudes to deflect compliments such as denying them, arguing the case, diluting them, insulting ourselves in response or transferring the credit to someone else. Some even question the sincerity of the compliment giver.
 
You know you secretly relish the thought of praise for that delicious lemon cake you made, the new contract you signed off at work or for scaling Mt Coolum five times in a row. With thanks to the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors, they suggest we try this instead:
 

1. Smile graciously, return eye contact, and say, “thank you.”
2. Relax and breathe: It might be uncomfortable at the start, but intentionally breathe your way through it as you gain confidence.
3. Add some additional relevant intel: “Thanks, I got the recipe from…”
4. Avoid a “boomerang” compliment in return as may seem insincere and de-values the gift you’ve just been given.
5. Value-add: After your “Thank you”, convey your appreciation for them saying that.
6. Be honest and optimistic. So what if your praised project isn’t finished? Don’t focus on what it’s not yet but what it will be. 
7. Ask a question. Why not genuinely ask what specifically they like about your outfit?
8. Practice dishing out compliments: Intentionally notice the wonderful attributes in others and share it in a timely fashion. It’s likely they’ll remember it for a long, long time.

Here’s your first chance to practice: I love the way you read my article.

Being that I’m likely going to be one someday, I’ve shelved the Mother-In-Law jokes this week as Part two of “What to do about my partner’s strange friends and family?”.
 
Last week I touched on the myriad of ways these “free gift with purchase” people with your spouse can infiltrate your love nest causing bitterness and resentment.
 
Firstly, let’s assume that anyone unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well.
 
Many find they’ve built themselves a quiet place inside their imaginary cave as a last resort to coping. Others are still feisty and will attack any outsiders who may compromise the new family culture they’re trying to create. Thankfully, you now have my tips using an acronym from the word RESPECT:

Respect: Everyone deserves it and so do you. You’re likely different from your in-laws and it’s important to respect the parents of the spouse you’ve chosen to love who made them. How much is healthy to be involved is another thing. 
Establish boundaries that support your new family culture. You are your partner can decide what are the best and worst parts of your respective up-bringing you’d like to bring to your own new family culture.
Set the benchmark for those aspects of your life you’re unable to compromise on. This allows you to be more patient and flexible to accept the differences in other areas. What a beautiful gift to your partner to integrate their traditions or funny quirks into your lives for comfort and familiarity. Can you try and replicate that lasagne for your husband his mother lovingly made?
Prepare yourself for visits and holidays. Evaluate your self-talk to ensure it is loving and kind. If you’re already ruminating over their negative behaviours, past hurts and plotting revenge, it won’t take much for you react less than favourably. Hurling your glass of red wine at your wife’s best friend at their wedding will be something you’ll regret.
Enjoy them! Again, you’ve bought into this relationship and will invest favourably for long term return if you make it your business to find something to like about them. What fascinating differences can you learn more about and appreciate?
Champion admirable behaviour and skip the constant judgement. It’s exhausting and taxing on your mental health. Your spouse’s friends and family may not have table manners, the courtesy to call before they drop-in, know when to stop drinking and the list goes on. Instead of cutting them out of your life, can you consistently mentor your values and teach your children? Maybe it’ll catch on?
Take steps to forgive! Unforgiveness of their wrongs holds you in a vice-like grip of toxic stress due to consistent high levels of cortisol in your body – even if you don’t realise it. Who wants to die young because of their Mother in Law?
 
Listen in for some cheer each Friday for my weekly co-host with Kristian on Salt106.5 between 6am-9am when we take a preview on these articles and much more.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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“I really do have a soft spot for my Mother in Law. It’s out in the garden behind the garage.” said one client last week as she chuckled, guiltily.
 
Did you hear about the office administrator that said, “Hey Boss, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?” “Certainly not!” the boss replied. The office guy says, “Thank you so much. I knew you would be understanding.”
 
One last one, “I haven’t spoken to the mother-in-law for six months now… apparently it’s rude to interrupt!”.
 
You guessed it, the focus is your Mother-In-Law. Not just the outlaws, but extended family and friends too.
 
Starry-eyed romantics are often caught unaware having slipped into that love vortex where clarity is skewed thanks to the love neurochemical, oxytocin that helps us pair up. Many seal their commitment with a kiss and a ring to realise down the marital track there’s a whole new group of influencers behind their beloved.
 
There’s Uncle Bert who drops in unannounced way to often and your spouse seems incredibly nonplussed. How about your partner’s best friend you’ve never really gelled with from the start? Ever heard of that inappropriate sister-in-law who reveals way too much about your partner’s ex.
 
Do you have a father-in-law who unashamedly runs a dictatorship around money that you’ve earnt? Speaking of your hard-earnt coin, how are your step-children syphoning that out of your lifestyle?
 
Then there’s the wedding day - so many expectations for the most wonderful, memorable celebration. It’s too often tainted by the bitter sadness of those family members who weren’t included enough or managed to bustle their way in with way too much influence. This rather excruciating list could go on!
 
There are so many challenges when it comes to the “free with purchase” extended family and friends. In my experience, the greatest conflict arises when you feel your partner prioritises them over you. Relationships become strained during those times you longed for your partner to have your “back” when you need them to protect and nurture you from the opinions or bizarre behaviours of others.
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When I say culture, you and your spouse could have been raised in the same street of Buderim and still experience extreme family cultural differences as if one of you was from Saudi Arabia and the other, Tasmania!
 
What to do? Watch this space next week when I outline strategies and healthy boundaries when there’s building resentment around your partner’s family and friends.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Happy Valentine’s Day for Thursday – yawn. I’m not a fan of the commercialised celebration of love so I’m turning the page now. Oh, whoops, I’m the relationships therapist so I’ll write this first!

Before I start, a shout out in Beyonce’ style to all the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies…. Put your hands up. You too fellas. Please don’t wait for someone else to make you feel special this Valentine’s Day. Make yourself feel fabulous and enjoy Thursday with self-indulgence. Buy yourself a treat, wear something remarkable, express your personal style and do whatever makes you happy to celebrate you.

This is also a great reminder for all cosy couples to ensure you’re not relying on your partner to “complete you” and your insecurities with fancy displays of love. I’m a total sucker for flowers and any form romance any day of the week however a healthy contribution to the relationship is founded on a healthy sense of self first. Only then can you enjoy a flourishing and dynamic relationship featuring someone wonderfully matched to the best version of you!

If you’re over the cliché dinner and flowers concept for Valentine’s Day but you’re totally into the notion to profess your love to someone who rocks your world, enjoy my novel ideas to help make it different and memorable:
Brave dining: I’m talking intestines, devilled duck heart, brains and lamb’s heart skewers with chargrilled capsicum. I’m not sure where you’ll find such cuisine here on the coast so this might be a home cooked festival. Wash it all down with some oyster shots and you’ll enjoy the benefit of aphrodisiacs and be packed full of organ meat nutrients, including vitamin B12, folate, iron and protein.
Indoor garden: Who doesn’t like flowers and plants to enhance your love pad? Who allows time to manicure the perfect garden? Not me. Create your own miniature indoor garden. You can choose your design from a Japanese Zen garden to a prickly Cactus display. It is compact, super easy to maintain and it will be your very own love garden. You bring home all the bits, then both dig around in the pot and make it together to admire for years to come.
Classic theme: I’m thinking to ditch the idea of catching up on Married at First Sight this week and watch a classic old movie with my beloved. We could munch on a bowl of classic salty popcorn with a soft drink with all the sugar in it. This can be followed up by a classic magnum (minus all the new-age boysenberry flavours - just plain chocolate and vanilla). How about the Notebook, Breathless, Gone with the Wind, It Happened One Night or Pretty Woman?
A Treasure Hunt: This requires a bit of work but who knows what the investment of time will bring! You hide clues and they can lead to either gifts, treats or special places of meaning to both of you. Maybe it’s where you had a first kiss, first declaration of love, first meal or a picture representing it. 
Hike: Got Thursday off? Conquer the Glasshouse Mountains, Mt Pomona or Mt Coolum together. There are so many more other trails you could explore even before you head to work or for an afterward wind-down.
Love Coupons: This is where you commit to performing self-sacrificing acts for your beloved you might not necessarily enjoy. You write, “This coupon entitles the holder to ……one foot rub, one evening in without….., a meal cooked for you…….night out with the lads…. Queen of the remote control……breakfast in bed…. vacuum your car. These little things mean so much. They’re redeemable for any time over the next year or you can add fine print and a shorter expiry date for those you’re hoping to get out of. 
Surprise the singles: Send your single buddies a nice card or simply text them to let them know what a top bloke or chic they are and why.
Give blood together: It’s a sobering thought to imagine how many cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day as they’re fighting for their lives. No-one has been untouched by cancer in some shape or form so why not donate some of your healthy platelets to those fighting the battle or a patient who may need it for surgery. Importantly, you’re spreading the love beyond your relationship and there are limitless ideas for those.

Now I’m turning the page!

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Not a week goes by when cyber related challenges are raised in the Counselling room. I was relieved to notice there is now a Safer Internet Day each year, being tomorrow,  Tuesday 5 February. 

Safer Internet Day’s mission is to promote the safe and responsible use of technology for young people. What a great day therefore to raise awareness in your household as it sure needs attention for your relationships and boundaries for children.
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In my experience, the most common areas for concern discussed in Counselling are:

• Frequent late-night use of the internet.
• Addictive games and related conversations with people unknown to partners.
• Obsessive protection of phones that never leave your spouse or teenager's side.
• Lack of attention to children’s hours spent online that causes aggression or moodiness.

If you have children, there are some great online safety quizzes to check their understanding about sharing their images, giving out their information and what to do about online bullying. It could save their life.

I totally love that we’ve become even more connected thanks to technology. Long distance relationships are enhanced with it and those living or travelling abroad feel closer than ever. In day to day life however, screens are often an unwanted third person in the relationship. When both partners are screen addicted, it’s some sort of crazy foursome where the only real connection is the charging port that sustains this unhealthy attachment.

There is also a need for a sensible discussion for couples. Here are some topics to ask each other:

• What do we perceive is a reasonable amount of screen time per day?
• Can we incorporate a fun challenge with an incentive to reduce it? (Many devices have in-built time tracking to keep you informed)
• Do we set a good example for screen usage etiquette for children? (That is, putting down your screen, engaging with emotional attentiveness and eye contact or keeping them away from the dinner table.)
• Do we share new interests Apps or games with each other?
• What Apps, websites, podcasts or blogs can we both use to enrich our relationship? A great example is the “Gottman Card Decks” App for couples.
• Do we feel comfortable leaving our phone unattended and face up for our partner to view?
• Are we comfortable to be online friends with ex partners, old school friends or new acquaintances of the opposite sex?
• Who do we agree is acceptable for us to chat online to?
• Have we ever gifted money to a cause, a person or organisation and not told each other?
• Do we have a no screen zone in our house or time frames when we converse real time in the flesh?
• Do we agree with what each other posts on social media sites?

Enjoy the wonders of technology to be entertained, organised and informed but if you’re withholding information from your partner about your screen use, it’s your red flag.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Back by popular demand from my 2018 Australia Day Slang for Dating Couples featured here, this is your up to date Romance Communication guide. It is particularly useful for newcomers to our great southern land, or those just needing to brush up on how to get a fair crack of the whip for that perfect local catch.

Bogan: Some refer to this great Australian as unsophisticated. They’re often found in flannelette shirt, tracky dacks and thongs accompanied by a durry and a tinnie. Male names always end with an “o” such as Davo or Stevo. You can easily search the web for the latest list of Aussie bogan names for any possible offspring they may have.
Bottle-O: Your bogan date is sure to chuck a U-ey just to get there as an essential detour to your dating destination such as Maccas, the Servo for a pie or Bunnings for a sausage sizzle.
Buggered: If you can’t be, then you’re probably not that into them.
Cark it: This could be something like your relationship, the cat, your car. It means to die or stop working and requires attention.
Carrying on like a pork chop: Behaviour like this is sure to turn off any possible romance. Try to dial down your crazy silly talk, take a few deep breaths and have another go. You don’t want them to think you have a few roos loose in the top paddock.
Chockers: What a great date that would be. Otherwise known as full as a goog, satisfied, watered and well fed!
Chuck a sickie: If the surfs up or your hot new beau is in town, you’re calling in sick without feeling crook. You avoid being seen on social media at all costs.
Chunder: A dreadful outcome from first date nervous swilling, guaranteed to turn off any chance of a snog at the end of your romantic interlude.
Fair shake of the sauce bottle: Whilst first impressions count, and you totally want to suss them out. It is worth however, giving your date a fair chance at impressing you before you write them off as a tosser.
Fix you up: Unless it’s guaranteed they’re frothing at the bit to see you again, be wary if this is mentioned on your first date. You don’t want them to go walkabout after some furphy they’ve promised to cough up or otherwise known as pay you back.
Hard yakka: A person with an honest, good work ethic is someone you want to hook up with. They’ll be a great provider and will contribute to the household income.
Knackered: Use this is you want a quick exit from your date. You’re exclaiming fatigue before you bid “Hoooroo”.
Loose cannon: Your mates will be sure to let you know if your new partner is one of this type. It denotes lack of self-control in public places and they’re concerned for your well-being and long-term happiness.
Nah, yeah: This means “Yes” versus the antonym, “Yeah, nah”.  Be careful your “No” does mean no or you’ll find yourself in a right pickle.
Ridgey-didge: Another catch you want to hang on to. You new friend is the real deal, they’re authentic and honest. Strewth, you’re lucky to find this.
She’ll be right: You’ve got to be stoked with a reassuring partner saying all will be ok. There’s nothing better than an Australian buddy who will not only take the mickey out of you when you’re feeling down, slap your butt and shout you a drink.
Straight to the pool room: This is where all your best selfie shots will be hung on the wall next to stuffed marlin, rods and footy trophies.
Tell him he’s dreamin’: A handy phrase for the ladies when your date is progressing a little too fast with unrealistic expectations. You might be ok with a cheeseburger, but you’re not offering the lot.
Tickets on yourself: I’m the first to promote a healthy sense of self, however a prospective partner with an inflated opinion of themselves is your red flag for possible lack of self of esteem lurking beneath their brag and all too confident facade.
Tradie, Truckie, Sparky, Chippy, Digger, Shrink, Doc, Copper, Desk Jockey, Bricky: These are all common terms for vocations. It’ll make wonderful conversation to ask further about how they make a crust.

Now you’re up to date with the true blue meaning of Australian romance to ensure you don’t stuff it up and look like a flaming galah! Happy Australia Day weekend and go easy on the turps.

I’ll be sure to return to a professional columnist with decorum next week!

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Now here’s a fabulous 2019 idea for all Sunshine Coast “marrieds”.
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It’s not necessarily an expensive idea and can be as big, little and public or private as you like. It brings you back to why you married in the first place. It’s not a totally new concept and admittedly one I had previously considered a little cheesy, pointless and an excuse to “look at me”.
That was until I journeyed with a couple in therapy who’d been confronted by major relationship trauma. They sought to start the new year fresh and connected. They drew a line in our pristine Noosa sand that marked building a brand-new shiny castle of a relationship built on a solid foundation of greater understanding and growth they’d achieved through significant adversity the year prior. 

They’d given me the honour to officiate with a renewal of their vows on a glorious New Year’s Day morning on the beach accompanied by one friend, a camera, their beautiful children and some personal touches on the beach.

Not only was I thrilled to revel in the joy from contributing to this couple but amazed by their tenacity and strength to intentionally forgive and turn toward each other through this beautiful ritual. As you could imagine, it was emotional. I loved them, I loved the ritual, I loved myself and loved this poignant start to the year! Here’s why I wanted to share the idea:

• It can be a powerful re-anchoring of each promise you gave to each other. Did you really have any idea what you entered in to all starry-eyed way back when?
• Many couples can spend hundreds of hours planning their wedding, not so many hours writing their vows and like me, barely remember them. (Did I really say obey?)
• How many of us revisit them? A wonderful reason to dig them out and spend a bit more time crafting or integrating the old with new ones based on your experiences now you’ve been through a bit of sickness and health. You might be richer or poorer and likely delighted, disappointed, and sometimes disillusioned by them.
• Those vows are then more likely to be at the forefront of your text messages, birthday cards and daily interactions. The words are reignited with on-going life.
• Rather than see the marriage commitment and its related promises as a given, you are reminded to recognise how your union will shift, change and honour the right for it to do so.
• As an annual ritual, it helps you intentionally make that decision to be the best spouse you can be even on those days you might slightly dislike them.
• Regularity facilitates your promise as it shepherds your milestones of life.
• You are encouraged to assess and review your contribution to the marriage. Can you both deliver and receive feedback in a non-blaming way? Have you created an enviable quality marriage any children can mentor from and impact generations?
• The Sunshine Coast has incredible locations to host your gob-smacking back drop or simply use the privacy of the current love-pad you’ve built together.
• You celebrate!

 If this is not your first marriage, even more reason to invest your time on this for a marked differential. Ask a special friend or family member to officiate. Go with a professional celebrant for all the on-trend professional bells and whistles. I’ve officiated once now so surely that makes me an expert? Happy to be at your service. I’ll bring tissues this time.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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It is never too late to learn to cavort in an intuitive, intimate strut as a couple. Last week I spoke figuratively about the styles of awkward dances people can find themselves mechanically and repetitively moving around in as they try and negotiate their way out of monotomy or conflict.

This can be the time of year, people are looking to “level up” in their relationship however some find the concept of trawling online for a professional to help with relationship problems frightfully confronting so I’ve suggested a secret alternative in the meantime. It’s totally confidential, private and you can take as long as you like. Your own private counsellor is a book and here’s an extension to those suggested last week:

Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs: This one is considered a “classic” among marriage books. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with conflict quickly. I love this one for it’s overarching theme of respect and kindness which is an essential component of my therapeutic approach in regaining connection. It has Christian themes but if you’re not that way inclined, it still has plenty of simple, scientifically researched messages.

The new Rules of Love and Marriage by Terrence Real: Whilst many relationship counselling approaches recognise gender differences and needs, I appreciate the author’s recognition on the change in the last twenty-five years. We can’t deny that women have become powerful, independent and self-confident. Despite being a bloke, Real says many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached and don’t know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up. Very brave statement coming from a fella!

Terrence Real instructs women how to master the new rules of twenty-first-century marriage by offering them a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He identifies what to avoid and shares practical strategies for bringing honesty, passion, and joy back to even the most difficult relationship. Real guides you through the process of relationship repair with exercises that you can do alone or with your partner. His book is based on the idea that every woman has the power to transform her marriage, while men, given the right support, have it in them to rise to the occasion.

I’d agree that we now expect and want so much from our relationships than ever before. Sunshine Coast couples are often living in isolation form their birth families and more than any other generation, we yearn for our mates to be lifelong friends and lovers. The New Rules of Marriage seeks to show us how to fulfil this courageous and uncompromising new vision.

Why men want sex and women need love by Allan & Barbara Pease: Aside from your friendly relationship columnist chum, you’ve got to love the other local relationship experts on the Sunshine Coast. They’re also a tad more international than me!  Not only can this be your own private counselling reference but a highly entertaining read. Allan and Barb will be sure to have you chuckling all the way through as you are enlightened by this practical, witty and down-to-earth guide. By translating science and research, you’ll be guided on how to pursue true happiness and compatibility with the opposite sex. It includes the top five things women want from men, what to do when the chemistry is wrong what turns men and women on – and off!

The Gottman Institute: If books aren’t your thing, then Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s life work as researchers and clinical psychologists have a rich source of information based on over 40 years of research with more than 30,000 couples – the most extensive studies ever done on marital stability. Head to their website, sign up for their blogs, check out their apps and relish in their vast resources!
You now have a great head start with your own private counsellor to trip the light fantastic in 2019.
You’re welcome.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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