#5 of the Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes: When the common denominator in conflict is you!29/11/2021 
What is the one major common denominator I notice that inhibits a healthy approach to conflict? Humans. Yes – you. Confronting, right? Rarely do we have the headspace to point the finger at ourselves when it comes to arguments with our partners. Why? Whilst I am sure you are wonderfully unique, kind and fabulous like me, our human nature includes an inherent self-serving bias to get our own way. It also inhibits our ability to consider another person’s reasonable or wild and ridiculously different perspective to our own. Yes, that’s right, our spouse is allowed to disagree with us. Firstly, time for some self-examination. This requires checking your self-worth, self-assurance, and self-determination. How is your self-image? Do you have high self-esteem? Is there a healthy level of self-love? Why all the self-reflection? Because therein lies your ability to bravely delve into the criticism of others, particularly your “chosen one”. Yes, the one you decided to pair up with for the long-term for richer or poorer. When you doubt yourself, find it hard to love yourself or even loathe yourself, self-defensiveness will dominate and disable your ability to (here’s the big one…) seek further information about any constructive feedback, criticism or (here’s the bigger one…) a completely different opinion than yours! The greatest goal for a relationship counsellor is to coach couples in the fine art of delivering feedback in a non-blaming way for it to be received that way. This is super tricky when my clients don’t even like themselves, let alone each other. When your self-esteem is so low and you are feeling so down on yourself, you are extremely sensitive to criticism or feedback of any time, of any type. It is difficult for you to lean in and ask questions to clarify what your partner is trying to tell you. Whilst you can blame your partner for denigrating any sense of confidence, the responsibility lies with you knowing what you deserve. Self-criticism fosters self-defence and self-justification. These are not ingredients to support a healthy approach to conflict. The basic framework is:
Who on earth would want to know more about how you are going about things the wrong way? Not me either, however it is worth it because that is what living with other humans is all about. It is a tough phase in the year when we are all feeling a little worn down by the recent few years. Despite seeing the flags marking the finish line for the end of the year, many are “flagging”! What to do? Self-worth: I urge and encourage you to nurture you. Carve out time for self-compassion every day. Just a moment of peace, of relaxation or exercise or all of that! Whatever gives your soul some respite for you to bravely surge forward, particularly during the differences with your partner so you can respectfully turn toward them in the face of adversity to learn and grow together . 1. What are two activities you can engage or re-engage in just for you this week? (If you have children, what level of self-love to they deserve being mentored by?) Self-control for self-regulation: Anticipate that your emotions will be triggered during conflict. 2. What two strategies can you plan that you will employ when you notice your heartbeat rise during your next conflict that helps you pause and respond versus react in ways you will regret? Is it meditation, breathing, skipping, nurturing self-talk? Any improvements about the self, require self-determination so get to it! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash 
We've all heard that "Jealousy is a curse"! You may have also read that "Envy is the art of counting another's blessings instead of your own."
How about this one? "A flower never thinks of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms". Jealousy wilts your relationships. The most well known form of jealousy is the sense of rivalry and suspicion. The unpleasant apprehension of infidelity. Interestingly, what I commonly notice amongst couples I work with is their envy of each other's: - amount of spare time - natural talent and skills - advantageous upbringing - self esteem - earning capacity - easier work life with greater pay? Any of these examples evident in your garden of love? Do you notice any resentment infiltrating your relationship, causing it to wither and potentially die? If so, although often unpleasant, be grateful as these emotions are a gift! Uncomfortable feelings as a result of jealousy are a clue or "alert button" to what is really going on such as: - fear, - comparison - stress - insecurity?
For example, do you long to have the trusting close friendships your partner enjoys? Why not explore the associated emotions? Is it an invitation to courageously entertain the idea of being vulnerable to make new friends for a support network of your own?
Maybe you wish you had as much downtime your partner has? Do you need to have a respectful discussion around roles and responsibilities and any feelings of being "ripped off" or "worn down"? Why not direct feelings of envy or jealousy into motivation and change toward a blazing and colourful landscape with no regrets. Don't let it choke you and your relationship. Use it for a driving force! Give yourself the permission to unpack jealousy with curiosity. Start trail blazing alongside your life partner and stand proudly alongside all the other tall poppies. That's what you deserve. TIME FOR A MUCH NEEDED POSITIVE INJECTION INTO YOU RELATIONSHIP? The much loved, 10-Day Relationship Recharge is back. If your relationship isn’t working for you, don’t give up on it yet! I can help you find that elusive spark, communicate better and rediscover the intimacy you crave in just 10 days. And the best part? You can do this without your partner! (You can of course do it together if you’d like). LEARN MORE. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash #3 of the Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes series: When your communication lacks meaning.30/8/2021 
Jane and Mark are great communicators. Their lifestyle is organised, structured and fun for their four children all under 14 years old. Despite Mark working full time and Jane part-time, all children enjoy at least two activities outside school hours each week. One child has special needs and attends additional therapies. Despite this, their lifestyle ticks along extremely well. Jane and Mark have rarely argued throughout their 16-year marriage. Why then, were they in my counselling room? Gorgeous and articulate Jane described her painful feelings of disconnection and loneliness. Mark bravely recounted his continual disappointed with the lack of intimacy in the bedroom. Together, we unveiled that their communication was lacking depth and intimacy. The team at Focus on the Family recently alerted me to the very apt term, “In-too-me-see” by Erwin Raphael McManus. We long to be truly “seen”. Real intimacy makes us feel alive. We love being talked to, not at. We flourish when spoken to in a respectful, kind and caring tone - even when we disagree. It is such a gift when our partner takes the time to ask questions for clarification to help us truly understand ourselves and ask for what we need. Meaningful communication also includes being courageously vulnerable to push beyond past hurts to reveal what is really going on?
Do you allow your partner in?
I collaborated with Jane and Mark who:
They found excitement and passion to be doing life not just alongside each other but entwined! They now take the time to peer into the depths of each other’s soul to really see each other there. Celebrate Marriage Week with me on Saturday 18 September at a free webinar discussing, “Intimacy is not just physical” with Kate and Brett Ryan of Focus on the Family. Secure your spot HERE. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Photo by Anh Henry Nguyen on Unsplash 
Have you ever struggled to comprehend or accept your partner’s previous life before you? Maybe they can’t handle your horrible histories?
Welcome to Part 2 of my Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes Series. Here are some particularly challenging topics I’ve noticed when you can’t get past your spouse’s past: They’ve:
Questions you might naturally ask yourself:
10 successful tips that have helped couples I've worked with overcoming the demons of their past:
Don’t forget to check out Jo's Facebook Lives on Relationship Rehab with Jo to inject some relational inspirations into your week! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her latest relationships mini-course intake at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Early-bird pricing concludes 21 August 2021.  Welcome to the “Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes” series as noticed in the counselling room. You are welcome to enjoy this also from personal experience as a married relationship therapist who is living and breathing the wondrous relationship reality! Not only have I made many of these mistakes myself, but it is helpful to be reminded that we have our “best attempts to cope” with relationship situations, and I believe we are not inherently mean! This series does not include malicious behaviours such as narcissism or those that result in abuse from being under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Whilst these are massive mistakes, this series reflects those common errors that undermine great relationship dynamics. To kick off this series, let’s go with a so very important topic: Leaving it to one person to initiate Intimacy. The focus here is not just sex, but touch of any form such as cuddles, rubs, cute little slaps, tickles – any form of physical connection! Stereotypes would assume that blokes will always be the one to initiate sex, however this truly isn’t the case. There are thousands of libidinous females out there who long for the touch of their partner and for all sorts of reasons aren’t able to enjoy this. For either sex, when it is always left to them to physically reach out for love, it eventually results in rejection, then even symptoms of grief. The beautiful dialogues that I have the privilege of hearing in the counselling room, include the sense of vulnerability, fulfillment, heightened sense of masculinity or femininity that results when there is mutual and consensual enjoyment through intimacy. Unless it is otherwise arranged, why not check in with your partner on their level of fulfillment on who is kicking things off in the bedroom, the kitchen or wherever is a good place for you to enjoy contact? Take this chance to enjoy a healthy conversation on: - What does sexual fulfillment mean? - In their opinion, who usually initiates intimacy? - What flirtatious activities do you appreciate outside the bedroom? - What's on your Intimacy Wish List? Check out this series on my Instagram TV channel and the Podcast! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash 
It is a wonderful gift to navigate an uncertain world knowing someone “has our back” despite our flaws, failings and mistakes. We fare much better when we share the load of life’s challenges with a significant other.
Healthy intimacy was beautifully described by one of my mentors as being “naked to the soul”. It is a realisation of our inherent design to submit with vulnerability to enjoy a sense of safety and security based on trust. This connection means we can count on and turn to our loved one for support and love. We flourish when we allow people into our emotional world and share physical and spiritual intimacy with our partner, facilitating an inexplicably beautiful and mysterious bond. This week is a comprehensive approach to this very important topic that could well improve your own mental health. The common snags that cause intimacy to fade are: 
Why did she go to great lengths to lie to me for so long?”
“How do I know my husband’s deceit won’t hurt me again?” “I just don’t trust her.” “How could he not have considered the horrific consequences?” “Do leopards change their spots?” …. All valid and heart wrenching questions when trust is broken. Trust is an essential element of a relationship. When this is compromised, it can have a devastating ripple effect on not only the relationship, but business, finances, children and extended family. Breach of trust manifests in so many different forms. Aside from infidelity, I most commonly notice it around:
Relationships thrive on a secure foundation knowing that our partner has our back, is authentic and can be counted on. The most satisfying aspect as a counsellor is giving hope to an injured partner that trust can be regained. We can rediscover a safe and loving bond with their partner in a second relationship (with the same person!). The main goal when I’m presented with a couple like Barb and Bill who arrive on the brink of “Splitsville” following a massive breach of trust; is emotional safety. Barb and Bill worked in a health and beauty business together. As an expert bookkeeper, Barb managed the finances. Like many organisations that took a “hit” during COVID, Barb started raising invoices for items that were not authentic to reallocate money and cover up financial mistakes she had made. Deep down, Barb’s intentions were good. Bill worried a lot. He was already stressed about his elderly mothers' illness. One mistake lead to another and they were drowning in debt. Barb was eventually "busted" after Bill discovered some gaping holes in one of their accounts - all was revealed. Well, nearly all. It was difficult for Barb to talk about the extent to which she had deceived Bill and about how much. This deepened his mistrust. Bill moved out and sought to end the relationship. Naturally, he felt if he couldn’t trust Barb on this topic, could he trust her at all about anything? This is another example of a catastrophic loss for a guy like Bill. Barb made a few poor decisions that rapidly spiralled into her web of deceit that spun out of control. Bill fell into a deep depression questioning if he could trust anyone in the world? He couldn’t trust the love of his life, his Dad had passed away, and his Mum was dreadfully ill in isolation. As with many couples, I highlighted our human need that thrives on certainty and hope. The pandemic removed that for quite a long time (and continues to!). It adds pressure, resulting in desperate measures and for many, a far less, best version of ourselves. This was no excuse but certainly contributed to the demise of many relationships in the recent twelve months. Barb and Bill had two children. Mostly for their sake, they turned toward each other and sought to repair their relationship. Over a few months in couple’s counselling:
Thankfully, this was another couple that found safety in uniting together again where they loved each other despite a stressful year featuring a pandemic, illness and financial stress. As you approach this weekend, consider:
As humans, no one is blameless. Every single one of us has fallen prey to temptation and made some ghastly mistakes we thought were a good idea at the time. If required, gift yourself the freedom of forgiveness. Despite our flaws, there are some incredible people out there. One of them might be the person you’re in a relationship with right now, so go give them a physical or virtual kiss and hug now! P.S. Whilst leopards can’t change their spots, humans CAN make mistakes, CAN achieve transformational change and CAN be forgiven. Join me in my next 10-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space! Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash
Are you married to “Lazy bones, “Good-for-nothing Gladys” or “Layabout Larry”? These are just a few of the terms (I’ve omitted the worse ones) often to describe spouses in the counselling room. On one hand, it is so great to have that friend who is so laid back, you need a spot fire to to rouse them into action. They are just so chilled out, so mellow, it is enviable. On the other hand, being married to that person can be a different thing. This person could be termed as “enough oriented”. That’s right. They are living in the moment doing just enough to get by and often, less than enough. Compare this with your frenzied lover who is frantically hurtling themselves through every day, planning this, over-achieving that and find it abhorrent to sit down. These people could be termed “more-oriented”. They don’t just live in the moment but continually planning for the future - and beyond! How about some in between? Perfect! However, hard to achieve. Because opposites attract. When the oxytocin wears off. Add a mortgage/s and children... It’s incredibly annoying! I’m talking about not only differences in personality styles here but the challenge of a different work ethic to your partner. Consider Jill the stay-at-home Mum married to John the GP. They initially met working in a hospital when Jill was a nurse. Back then, she supplemented the household income whilst John was at med school. Fast forward, he’s highly stressed from managing two clinics, three mortgages, four older children with one left at home. Jill has taken her foot off the pedal resulting in John coming home to an unkept house and a consistent lack of clean matched socks. There is little on her agenda except the shopping and the next Netflix episode. John felt embarrassed to invite colleagues home due to the state of the house. That’s not fair you say! Courageously, they arrived to the counselling couch out of frustration and anger. With time and compassion, we unveiled:
You’ll be relieved to know, Jill and John successfully regained connection and intimacy following six sessions discussing their feelings, concerns and practical exercises at home. Together we found a healthy approach to sharing a united approach moving forward where they embraced their “enough versus more orientation”. They came to respect their respective upbringings that contributed to their approaches and ultimately found their differences novel and complementary like they had initially appreciated about each other. Jill commenced volunteer work that led to employment in working with the disabled. Together they refinanced, sold some assets and are now an enviable loved-up couple their children are mentoring from. They are impacting generations and showing them how to do it! Whilst you don’t need to accomplish every task the same, you aren’t expected to work for the other! You will have challenging seasons where one carries a heavier load through sickness and adversity but overall this should be a united, supportive and equal partnership. This weekend, consider if you have a varied work-ethic and why? Are you able to communicate any frustrations with kindness and respect. Maybe you need to check if your partner believes you contribute with equality. "Relationship torment is epic when you and your partner have a vastly different work ethic." Join me in my next 7-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space! In the meantime, you can jump onto my “Communicate For Love” mini-course NOW that teaches this process indepth from the comfort of your own home. No trips to the Counselling room, no parking – just you at your own pace, navigating a new healthy approach to conflict! Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
Feelings of embarrassment, alienation and demeaned are most commonly described in a client story when they find their partner makes decisions or plans without their knowledge. These topics seem most frequently around:
Having a healthy sense of independence is an important aspect of a thriving relationship however collaboration comes first! Respect and honour your parents, friends and family, however healthy boundaries to protect your relationship are paramount. What does a “united front” mean for intimate relationships? Stan Tatkin of PACT Therapy calls it your “couple bubble”:
Anticipating these tricky topics is smart when it comes to creating a healthy alliance with your partner. Otherwise, you run the risk of being shocked every time you make separate choices and add another fracture to your relationship. "A united loving relationship is to have our partner's back over our own family and friends when needed.” Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Watch this space for the upcoming inaugural Relationship Reset Challenge. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Waitlist for the next intake of her Relationship Rejuvenator Online Mini-Courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
Photo by mona Masoumi on Unsplash
Ever been at a party where you’ve felt rather squirmish and uncomfortable because someone has been putting down their partner in front of everyone? Have you wondered if you should look at the ceiling, dive to the bathroom or start clearing dirty dishes from the table? Maybe you felt the need to defend either of them? I’m wondering if this has ever happened to you? Found yourself in the habit of mentioning a few of your spouse’s unsavoury nuances whilst in the company of others? Yes, those comments about gasses, tardiness or phone use? It sure is a ghastly common snag for couples which results in humiliation and distress. Vanessa and Brad arrived for marriage counselling with exactly this issue. They were another gorgeous couple (I seem to get all the glamourous clients!) married for seven years with two beautiful girls under five years old. They were both successful people in their careers and somewhat envied by their friends as the “It couple”. Vanessa was exuberant, extroverted and bubbly. Brad was more the quiet, introverted but handsome type. (Often the case where individuals are attracted to those who complement aspects of themselves that they lack!) For many years, they did bring out the best in each other, until… Vanessa started to become frequently tearful following the children’s birthday parties and family gatherings. She noticed Brad would make snide remarks in front of their close friends and family. He dropped criticisms about “Always being on her phone…”, “She talks too much…” and “Never around as she’s out drinking with her girlfriends…” Sometimes these comments were in Vanessa’s earshot. As you can imagine, she was devastated, hurt and embarrassed. Why does a nice guy like Brad do this? Why didn’t he mention these things at home? In my counselling experience, two main reasons:
Here’s an important reminder! Every single person in a relationship needs to be able to assertively deliver communication in a non-blaming way and for it to be received that way. You need to feel heard! What happened to Vanessa and Brad? We tracked their communication and conflict style. As it turns out, Vanessa would criticize Brad in response to his feedback which was delivered in a somewhat abrupt and harsh manner. He would usually erupt as had been ruminating over his thoughts for way too long. Vanessa would drag up a time when he was on his phone or when he disappointed her with clear examples to support her case. They had become embroiled in a conflict dance where no one was heard, no one won, then chose not to say anything at all about their concerns with each other. As a result, Brad’s concerns didn’t disappear, so they “leaked out” when out with other people as he sought understanding and empathy from his troubled, lonely and disconnected existence. The first step for Vanessa and Brad was revealing their conflict dance so I could coach them patiently into a new style. They sure were relieved to find some new steps to tango! It took a lot of repetition to break out of the old cycle – but they did it! In summary, it is NOT okay to complain about your partner or put them down in front of others. This is your red flag to ask yourselves:
Your task this weekend is to give up the game of “Find the bad guy”. Edify your partner in front of others. Contemplate something they’ve achieved or consistently do well and tell the world. Don’t’ forget to tell them too! Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Waitlist for the next intake of her Relationship Rejuvenator Online Mini-Courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised. Approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Solution Focussed Therapy and Emotionally Focussed Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for Individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for face to face sessions including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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