Now here’s a fabulous 2019 idea for all Sunshine Coast “marrieds”.
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It’s not necessarily an expensive idea and can be as big, little and public or private as you like. It brings you back to why you married in the first place. It’s not a totally new concept and admittedly one I had previously considered a little cheesy, pointless and an excuse to “look at me”.
That was until I journeyed with a couple in therapy who’d been confronted by major relationship trauma. They sought to start the new year fresh and connected. They drew a line in our pristine Noosa sand that marked building a brand-new shiny castle of a relationship built on a solid foundation of greater understanding and growth they’d achieved through significant adversity the year prior. 

They’d given me the honour to officiate with a renewal of their vows on a glorious New Year’s Day morning on the beach accompanied by one friend, a camera, their beautiful children and some personal touches on the beach.

Not only was I thrilled to revel in the joy from contributing to this couple but amazed by their tenacity and strength to intentionally forgive and turn toward each other through this beautiful ritual. As you could imagine, it was emotional. I loved them, I loved the ritual, I loved myself and loved this poignant start to the year! Here’s why I wanted to share the idea:

• It can be a powerful re-anchoring of each promise you gave to each other. Did you really have any idea what you entered in to all starry-eyed way back when?
• Many couples can spend hundreds of hours planning their wedding, not so many hours writing their vows and like me, barely remember them. (Did I really say obey?)
• How many of us revisit them? A wonderful reason to dig them out and spend a bit more time crafting or integrating the old with new ones based on your experiences now you’ve been through a bit of sickness and health. You might be richer or poorer and likely delighted, disappointed, and sometimes disillusioned by them.
• Those vows are then more likely to be at the forefront of your text messages, birthday cards and daily interactions. The words are reignited with on-going life.
• Rather than see the marriage commitment and its related promises as a given, you are reminded to recognise how your union will shift, change and honour the right for it to do so.
• As an annual ritual, it helps you intentionally make that decision to be the best spouse you can be even on those days you might slightly dislike them.
• Regularity facilitates your promise as it shepherds your milestones of life.
• You are encouraged to assess and review your contribution to the marriage. Can you both deliver and receive feedback in a non-blaming way? Have you created an enviable quality marriage any children can mentor from and impact generations?
• The Sunshine Coast has incredible locations to host your gob-smacking back drop or simply use the privacy of the current love-pad you’ve built together.
• You celebrate!

 If this is not your first marriage, even more reason to invest your time on this for a marked differential. Ask a special friend or family member to officiate. Go with a professional celebrant for all the on-trend professional bells and whistles. I’ve officiated once now so surely that makes me an expert? Happy to be at your service. I’ll bring tissues this time.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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It is never too late to learn to cavort in an intuitive, intimate strut as a couple. Last week I spoke figuratively about the styles of awkward dances people can find themselves mechanically and repetitively moving around in as they try and negotiate their way out of monotomy or conflict.

This can be the time of year, people are looking to “level up” in their relationship however some find the concept of trawling online for a professional to help with relationship problems frightfully confronting so I’ve suggested a secret alternative in the meantime. It’s totally confidential, private and you can take as long as you like. Your own private counsellor is a book and here’s an extension to those suggested last week:

Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs: This one is considered a “classic” among marriage books. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with conflict quickly. I love this one for it’s overarching theme of respect and kindness which is an essential component of my therapeutic approach in regaining connection. It has Christian themes but if you’re not that way inclined, it still has plenty of simple, scientifically researched messages.

The new Rules of Love and Marriage by Terrence Real: Whilst many relationship counselling approaches recognise gender differences and needs, I appreciate the author’s recognition on the change in the last twenty-five years. We can’t deny that women have become powerful, independent and self-confident. Despite being a bloke, Real says many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached and don’t know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up. Very brave statement coming from a fella!

Terrence Real instructs women how to master the new rules of twenty-first-century marriage by offering them a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He identifies what to avoid and shares practical strategies for bringing honesty, passion, and joy back to even the most difficult relationship. Real guides you through the process of relationship repair with exercises that you can do alone or with your partner. His book is based on the idea that every woman has the power to transform her marriage, while men, given the right support, have it in them to rise to the occasion.

I’d agree that we now expect and want so much from our relationships than ever before. Sunshine Coast couples are often living in isolation form their birth families and more than any other generation, we yearn for our mates to be lifelong friends and lovers. The New Rules of Marriage seeks to show us how to fulfil this courageous and uncompromising new vision.

Why men want sex and women need love by Allan & Barbara Pease: Aside from your friendly relationship columnist chum, you’ve got to love the other local relationship experts on the Sunshine Coast. They’re also a tad more international than me!  Not only can this be your own private counselling reference but a highly entertaining read. Allan and Barb will be sure to have you chuckling all the way through as you are enlightened by this practical, witty and down-to-earth guide. By translating science and research, you’ll be guided on how to pursue true happiness and compatibility with the opposite sex. It includes the top five things women want from men, what to do when the chemistry is wrong what turns men and women on – and off!

The Gottman Institute: If books aren’t your thing, then Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s life work as researchers and clinical psychologists have a rich source of information based on over 40 years of research with more than 30,000 couples – the most extensive studies ever done on marital stability. Head to their website, sign up for their blogs, check out their apps and relish in their vast resources!
You now have a great head start with your own private counsellor to trip the light fantastic in 2019.
You’re welcome.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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Let’s hope you found a way to jig merrily in your own special way into the year. I like to think the first few days of New Year are like a slow tempo of recovery. It’s about now when a vast majority pick up the beat and re-evaluate where they’re at in life or their relationship.
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Hopefully you’re on a roll and seek to gain even more momentum with a hip hop to it again this year. Thankfully, many couples will learn new moves to avoid a repeat of the stilted tune they danced in their relationship in 2018. Does the music stop at times, falling to a deafening silence between you for days on end? Maybe it’s more like sadcore rock characterised by bleak lyrics and harsh words. You’re wondering how you find yourselves caught in the same monotonous dance repeating the same moves attempting to side step your way out of disagreement trapped in isolation and loneliness for days on end. 

Do you find the concept of trawling online for a professional to help you with your relationship problems frightfully confronting? Is it way too inappropriate to reveal to your friends to ask for someone they might know who could help? If you’re not at a point where you’re able to reach out in person to a friendly therapist like myself, there’s a secret alternative. No-one will see or know! It’s totally confidential, private and you can take as long as you like. It’s like your own private counsellor in your bedroom – a book! Here’s my list to get your started. If you're single, now is your time to gain valuable insight for your next partnership. It’s also a great foundation to launch yourselves for Relationship Counselling later if you need it:

Hold me Tight: by Susan Johnson: Forget about learning how to argue better, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Susan helps you recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Based on her Emotionally Focussed Therapy style, it focusses on creating and strengthening this emotional bond by identifying and transforming the key moments that foster an adult loving relationship. It walks the reader through seven conversations that capture the defining moments in a love relationship and instructs how to shape these moments to create a secure and lasting bond.
Love Sense: also by Susan Johnson – builds on practical, accessible advice on building more intimacy, safety, and trust; coping with separation distress, loss, and forgiveness; and strengthening your safe-haven relationship to build a lifetime of love. It can change the way you think about love and I love the way she thinks!
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is an oldie but a goodie! Between busy schedules and long days, expressing love can fall by the way side. This book is about saying it and hearing it clearly. No gimmicks and no psychoanalysing required here. There’s also the Five Love Languages for Children, Teenagers and Singles. If you haven’t unveiled your love language or that of your spouse  and children, it’s a wonderful simple concept - a must for 2019.

It is never too late to begin to learn to dance a new groove in the new year as a couple. I can’t wait to expand on your own confidential Counsellor’s list next week. 

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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First article for the year and my first chance to throw out some wonderful ideas to stay close and connected to your partner through to 2019.

Why not carve out a moment in time during the next few days without distraction from any children, family and friends and turn toward each other. Use eye contact and intentionally engage to be present and open to possibilities. If there are responses or ideas you don’t agree with, enquire further and deepen your understanding instead of attempting to defend or shut down.

I can’t count the number of brave blokes that reveal they struggle with the right responses and conversation with their adoring female whose words flow freely and with magnitude - so here’s your guide. I know some will be tempted to uncomfortably retort with ridiculous and humorous answers but try also to be real and genuine for this time intended for closeness and connection:

1. What do you want less of in 2019?
2. What do you long for?
3. What has been the biggest drag for you this year?
4. What are you dreaming about most right now?
5. How can I help you this week?
6. How do you describe me to people who haven’t met me?
7. What are your favourite ways to spend time with me?
8. When were you last truly happy? What happened?
9. What is the best way I can show you I love you this coming year?
10. How can we unite to impact our world with more kindness?

 
I so relish the concept of new possibilities for 2019 in striving toward using your talents to even more potential. This includes levelling up your relationship and growing together for that flourishing dynamic you should expect.

Why not use the magical word “no” to a few activities to just “be” together? Block out some white space on your calendars for spontaneous nothingness. If you do head out socialising, tune in regularly with a reassuring pat or eye contact with your partner in amongst the hum of the group. Most of all, if you get to slow down at this time of year, be mindful of your daily interactions with respect and kindness. This is one of the keys to a great relationship moving forward.

If you’re single, it’s my desire you can fully enjoy this season in your life. If you seek to meet someone, strive to work on the best version of yourself to enhance your chances of joining forces with the best partner you deserve.

Finally, to get the best things, we often need to do hard things. Life includes pain so we can choose the pain of discipline of the pain of disappointment. Nothing happens without discipline!

I can’t wait to support individuals and couples either in my Counselling room or as readers of the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine in our community this year.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

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​Kissing is awesome (according to me) and there are so many reasons to talk about it:

• Christmas is on the way (and the accompanying mistletoe).
• It could change your life in a moment (like that movie, “Sliding Doors”!)

Let’s start with the basics!

Why do we kiss each other? The short un-scientific answer is we have no idea! The long answer is that we have no idea because not every culture and society on Earth does it. Nobody has a definitive answer about why it’s something we’d even start doing to begin with.
 
We do have a lot of ideas about why we kiss people and I’m sure you’re thinking of a few. It’s important to note that some cultures, particularly more “primitive” ones, find the practice strange and, in some cases, downright unpleasant.

We can assume therefore that kissing isn’t something ingrained in human behaviour; it’s very much a social construct and different between different cultures.
 
From what I’ve researched about kissing, here are some of the top reasons scientists think we kiss:

• Data collection: Your face and mouth are just full of sensory information. And I’m not just talking about taste buds. Our mouths carry all sorts of data about our health and hygiene. During the act of kissing, we share genetic and immunological information information and measure up our potential partners on a deeply biological level. How … sexy?
• Psychological signaling:  Kissing does add the extra senses of taste and smell that contributes to physical intimacy. Not only does it increase closeness but establishes openness and trust. It’s a physical signal saying “I really, really like you, let’s do this.” (Alternatively, it can hint of quite the opposite and you’ll save yourself a few wasted years if you ignore it!)
• Preserving the relationship: the kiss is an expression of intimacy and a means of sustaining and enhancing feelings.
• Seduction: It would be fairly obvious to say that the more penetrative tongue kiss simulates potential activity down the track and… you get the idea.

 
No wonder that kid was so worried about seeing “Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Underneath The Christmas Tree.”
 
It releases a whole heap of chemicals related to making us feel good and encourage bonding. Kissing has much the same effect, releasing such love drugs as oxytocin and producing the same reactions.
 
Where does this (non-Australian) Mistletoe come into it? It’s actually an old tradition dating back to Celt and Norse mythology. In one Norse tale, the son of the goddess, Frigga was killed by an arrow made out of mistletoe. Frigga was so distraught, her tears turned into white berries that coated the plant symbolizing her love for her lost son.
 
She was so impressed by her white tear-berries, that she blessed the plant and promised a kiss to anyone who passed under the plant from that day on. We kiss under mistletoe because a goddess was so happy that she cried tear-berries after her son died that she promised everyone a kiss?
 
Ancient mythological tales are… interesting.  
 
There are other Norse stories about a guy called Loki who deceived a blind God into murdering another God with an arrow made of Mistletoe, being the only plant to which he was vulnerable. Somehow then Mistletoe became a symbol of peace and friendship to appease for its part in the murder.
 
Some traditions then developed into a men being allowed to kiss any woman standing underneath mistletoe, and that bad luck would befall any woman who refused the kiss.
 
Mistletoe is a terrifying, parasitic plant that murders trees and produces poisonous white berries (that look red in all the pictures) and should not be eaten under any circumstances. How anyone decided this was a plant to symbolise love and affection is anyone’s guess. No - it’s not native to Australia. We have enough petrifying flora and fauna without having to worry about poisonous parasitic tree-killing weeds.
 
For a truly enjoyable Aussie Christmas, I suggest substituting the mistletoe for a gum leaf. At least they’re more therapeutic and friendly.  

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Oh, the joys and pitfalls of the workplace Christmas party. Do you go to yours? If you’re in a relationship, I’m wondering how you feel about your spouse’s Christmas party?

Some don’t include partners, so do you happily send them off awaiting their tipple topple return wearing their best Christmas sweater rashie in the wee hours? Do you become anxious about the gin fuelled possibilities that may have caused much angst last year when you had no idea where they were? Is the busty, blonde bombshell your boyfriend sits next to each day going to be there this year? What about that muscly guy from the Sales department that seems all too caring and chatty with your partner? It comes up all too frequently in relationship counselling.
 
Whilst it would be fabulous the Christmas season be a time of calm, connectedness and reflection, it often spirals into some sort of tangled string of festive flashing chaos of lights doused with alcohol.
 
Thanks to your local friendly relationship specialist, I’m here to support you through what can be a fearfully unwelcome phase of unrest. Here is your “Festive Insurance Plan” to ensure you continue to remain in joyous jingle bells tune with your partner:

1. Be E.T: Phone home! Obvious I know, but regularly dial in to your partner and let them know you thought of them these coming weeks. It’s likely you think of them frequently during your day, so tell them! Alternatively, use all those tricky apps on your phone to forward a funny pic, emoji or a simple text. Amp up the contact like no other month in your year to stay in sync.
2. Anticipate worry: You might not want to interrupt your fabulous time at barefoot bowls in your Santa hat, green and red fishnet stockings, but have you updated home base? How do they know for sure you haven’t been kidnapped by Santa’s elves or got stuck in a chimney? Are there colleagues of concern that either of you need to be reassured about? If you’re both at an event, can you regularly convey some attentiveness with a quick pat and a chat?
3. Trust: Do you need to be reminded of the solid foundation of trust your relationship is built on? Consider if you’ve ever had cause to concern not to trust your partner? Could it be a hang-up from previous relationships or family of origin?
4. Use questions for closeness: Build on your “love map” as you journey through the month of Christmas with such topics as:

• What about this relationship brings you the most joy?
• Name the best gift I’ve ever bought you?
• How can I be a gift to you this Christmas season? (I can’t wait to hear of the answers you’ll get for this one!)

 
In summary, be regularly present with even a few minutes of time with your partner amongst all the distractions of screens, places to be and things to buy. Use these moments to engage with deeper questions for closeness. Be open to the possibilities of their responses and gift them with emotional attentiveness. Communicate your faith in the relationship and have a jolly good time!

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

​Only those who trust, can find love and happiness. And only those who love, can be betrayed. Welcome to the final article of my four-part series on infidelity which featured:

1. What counts as infidelity?
2. Myths and why do people do it?
3. Pornography and affairs

Today, what to do if you find yourself or your partner in one. Will you ever recover together or apart?

The effect of an affair can be similar to the grief associated with death. It’s important to realise the common repercussions for both partners:

• Intense emotional dysregulation: For the unsuspecting “injured” partner, any sense of security and safety has been shattered.
• Both partners can experience feelings such as hurt, anger, fear, disgust, sadness, shame and guilt.

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• Symptoms of depression, grief and anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Alcohol and other substance use.
• Suicide attempts/completion.
• Physical health problems.
• Skewed assumptions, beliefs and meaning of life are changed forever. For example, “I thought I could trust you. Now, I don’t trust you anymore and I don’t trust anybody else either.”
• Injured partners often have intrusive memories, flashbacks and can alternate between feeling numb and becoming hyper aroused and accusatory.

It is not catastrophising to note that discovering an affair creates a crisis! It is a devastating threat to your partner’s security and attachment needs. Consider the extreme emotional adversity and vulnerability from isolation and separation in the events of miscarriage, death, and life-threatening illnesses. This is not dissimilar.

What now? Like many of these extreme events, couples can recover when there is demonstrated commitment toward remorse and forgiveness. It usually commences with understanding who the betrayer sought to “become” and what needs they yearned to fulfil?

A usual pitfall for couples in recovery is for the betrayer to downplay what has happened in their efforts to repress any shame and guilt. This causes the injured partner to repeat questions and concerns all again with more fervour. It creates a painful cycle that traps them in isolation and pain.
Some of the demonstrated commitment includes acknowledgement that a primary relationship rule has been broken. A focus on transparency, patience, reassurance and validation to repair the broken trust is required. It can take up to three years for trust to be re-established. In therapy, we collaborate on skills to manage flash-backs, obsessions and triggers and talk about the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness.
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Importantly, affair recovery recognises the needs of both partners, their longings and desires versus repeated shame for the betrayer. The greatest outcome is that couples build a stronger, shiny new and improved city of a relationship, far better than the one that was rocked in the earthquake of the affair. If couples decide to part, it is so important to unveil any resulting skewed beliefs about themselves or trusting others that can inhibit future relationships.

May I highlight that it’s so fun to get fun and flirty in the Christmas season. It is my hope that this series has provided a warning as to the consequences when you’re doing it with the wrong person! Missed the first part of the series? Head to the blog on my website. Listen in to radio Salt 106.5 each Friday morning before 9am for my weekly chat on these articles.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

We’re up to Part Three of the tribulations of infidelity. Many people ask me if pornography is a contributing cause and is it bad for relationships?
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This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a Relationship Therapist I journey with clients without judgement and respect their opinions and values. With thanks to the contributions on this topic to Clinical Psychologist, Dr Clare Rosoman.

Firstly, here are some interesting statistics from Pornhub. It is a pornographic video sharing website and stated to be the largest pornography site but certainly not the only one on the Internet:

• Their site attracted a total of 28.5 billion visitors in 2017 (around 81 million a day).
• United States was the top country by traffic. Australia maintained eighth place (in the face of adversity of our ridiculously slow internet speed!).
• The breakdown of age groups are:
• 18-24: 30 percent
• 25-34: 28 percent
• 35-44: 18 percent
• 45-54: 13 percent
• 55-64: 7 percent
• 65+: 4 percent
• Female users make up 26% of worldwide Pornhub traffic (Australian women make up 28% of our users.)
• Most frequent time for viewing is between 10pm and 1am. The most popular day is Sunday and least popular is Friday.
• The average length of viewing time worldwide is about 10 minutes however this doesn’t account for the number of times per day.
• It’s a big profitable business! Overall revenue is thought to be $13 billion. Australian revenue is estimated at $2 billion.

According to researchers Paul & Shim, four main reasons they stated in 2008 for using it are:

1. Fantasy: Sexual excitement, satisfaction, curiosity, exploration and anonymity
2. Mood management: emotional regulation, stress relief, escapism
3. Habitual use: habit and convenience
4. Relationship: enhancement, skills, novelty

Some of the common outcomes from pornography use for those in a relationship are:

• Feelings of internal conflict such as shame, depression, anxiety and irritability.
• Social withdrawal and guilt over the financial outlay.
• With frequency, pornography can normalise and desensitise associated behaviours that lead to the pursuit of another person and possible affair. In my experience, the partner not involved in the pornography may view it as a betrayal to the relationship. Not only can the partner feel sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use but find certain new sexual activities objectionable. A new “sexual script” can be introduced and not welcomed.
• Risqué images can start as entertainment, may escalate to compulsions then distorted beliefs, expectations and addictions. The user faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography. They can lose interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with their partner.
• Emotional closeness wanes due to decrease in trust and pornography can be associated with dishonesty.

Is there any benefit for relationships? Some studies say it is not harmful and positive whilst others say it is detrimental. The difference lies in how the questions are asked and who you ask. For example, people in casual relationships are far less likely to have a problem with it than those in long term relationships who have built a life together.

Research has found that mutual use of porn was related to lower levels of distress but unrelated to relationship satisfaction in women. Some say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction. Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone.

Consistent results across studies show the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female which lowers her relationship satisfaction reduces positive communication, creates instability, more relational aggression and lower female sexual desire.

In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com

​I’m tackling the tricky topic of affairs in this four-part series. Last week I covered what can be defined as an affair? Today I’m writing about why people do it? Firstly, here are a few myths thanks to  recommended author, Dr Shirley Glass and the Relationship Institute Australasia:
The Soul Mate Myth: Attraction to someone else means that your spouse is not the right person. (Being attracted to or admiring someone means you’re breathing!)
Affairs only happen to people with marriage problems: (They can occur in happy marriages however more likely the unintentional consequence of attraction, opportunity, failure to follow precautions and honour values).
You can’t be friends with people of the opposite sex: (Friends of each partner need to be a friend of the marriage.)
Affairs only happen when you’re not getting enough of what you need: (The spouse who gives too little is at greater risk, as less invested than the spouse who gives too much.)
Why do people find themselves involved in an affair?

• Lack of self-love: Interestingly, offending partners can find themselves in an affair when dissatisfied with themselves. The mirror of fresh new adoring eyes of their new love can provide them with the empowerment to appreciate what they cannot themselves.
• Family of Origin: In my experience, far too many couples recovering from affairs in my Counselling room are the result of this featured in their family of origin, such as parents or grandparents. We can’t underestimate the value of the legacy we leave for the next generation.
• Lack of nurture: An affair can be an indication of the need to escape not being listened to. For particularly women, it is often a lack of emotional connection and nurture. Dale Carnegie summed it up when he said, “The sound of a person’s name is like music to their ears.” In my opinion, a symphony of two hearts united is performed from the gift of attentiveness.
• Starving ego:  Some can become addicted to getting high on the heightened physical and emotional rush with a new person.
• Revenge: for mistreatment and finally giving up.
• Lack of intimacy: Intimacy is impacted by the ebb and flow of life’s demands and the incompatibility of a couple’s libido. Despite this, making time for regular sex is paramount.
• Lack of investment in yourself and the relationship: Poor attention to keeping fit, healthy and rested can result in a substandard contribution to the relationship.
• Poor communication: Men can often re-connect physically with sex whilst women usually can’t go there unless unresolved issues are discussed. If they’re never resolved, they gain momentum for the next conflict.
• Alcohol and drug use: Partners may escape from possible violence because of their partner’s dependency or inability to be fully present with each hangover.

Often, it’s the lack of expressing your desires, being validated or acknowledged that fuels the outburst or the cry out in the arms of another person.
Next week: Does pornography lead to affairs?

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com

I’m getting in ahead of the “silly” season of Christmas and New Year. It’s such a fun time when we start celebrating though unfortunately, there are more opportunities for the “silliness” to go too far with regretful consequences. It may well be easier to throw caution to the wind at the time, however acting on feelings harboured throughout the year such as resentment or lust can get you in a right pickle.

For this reason, it’s timely to write about the topic of infidelity. The repercussions impact generations. They cause poor physical health, fuel alcohol and substance abuse, create symptoms for post-traumatic stress disorder and even result in suicide. Many people mistakenly think that infidelity isn’t really infidelity unless there is sexual contact. With special thanks to influencers for this series, Dr Jenny Fitzgerald, Dr Shirley Glass, Dr Sue Johnson, the Relationship Institute Australasia and Esther Perel, here is some clarification on what can be defined as infidelity?

• He/she dominates your thoughts.  You are consumed by thoughts of them when you wake up, when you fall asleep, and mostly anytime in between. Most affairs don’t start with a steamy sex scene, they start in the mind.
• You talk about the difficulties in your current relationship. You may have a few close friends you share your frustrations about your partner with. When you find yourself sharing many of those problems and concerns with this “special person”, you may be crossing the line.
• He/she becomes the first person you call.  How about when you get some exciting news, or you’ve had a dreadful day?  Who do you think to call first, him/her or your partner?
• Contact outside of “friendly” hours.  If you find yourself communicating at questionable hours, this may be a sign.  Most friends don’t text at 2am.
• They “get” you.  When you start to feel like he/she understands you better than your partner, this is a red flag. This usually leads to increased communication with him/her and less communication with your partner.  We are more likely to communicate with someone we feel “gets” us than someone who does not.
• You redirect your time.  If you find yourself finding excuses or creating more reasons to spend time with him/her, this may be a sign.  However, spending more time does not just mean physical time.  If you are spending more time texting, emailing, Snapchatting, Whatsapping, Facetime etc, this may be a sign as well.
• You compare your partner. When talking to your partner, do you think to yourself, “He/she wouldn’t respond like this” or “He/she would be more attentive?”  When out with your partner, do you think, “If I were with him/her, I’d be having more fun?”. This automatically makes him/her the good one and your partner the bad one.
• You lie.  Lying by omission counts. Leaving out details such as meeting him/her for lunch, deleting messages, or you just deny communicating with that person at all is a lie. If you must lie, chances are you have something to hide; and if you have something to hide, you probably know it’s not okay.

 
Coming up in the ensuing weeks are: Why do people do affairs happen? What are the signs to look for? Pornography and affairs. Can you recover from affairs?

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com
​​