Death, taxes and the need to be loved are the sure things of life.
 
As Queensland prepares to recognise Mental Health week from 5 October, what a perfect time to recognise therapists all over the world impacting generations. I too, have the privilege of journeying with couples particularly with children supporting them rediscover how to effectively connect and mentor their young family with a beautiful, flourishing and cohesive connection, particularly with healthy conflict cycles.
 
One great reminder I want to share is contemplating how we sought safety, learnt, felt and expressed love in the first place. We thrive on being loved, cared for and needed. A loss of connection in a relationship often feels like a near death experience for many. Have you ever taken time out to wonder:
 
Who did you go to for comfort as a child and could you count on them?
Were they available for you at critical times?
Did these people ever betray you or let you down?
What did you learn about connection /comfort from these people?
Did you ever turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, material things for comfort?
Have there been any particular traumatic incidences in your previous relationships?
 
It makes complete sense that these experiences can shape our current relationships. They can subconsciously influence any insecurities, unrealistic expectations and explain why we find ourselves self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, sex or materialism or screen addiction. On the other hand, many people have been fortunate to enjoy a wonderful, loving and connected family of origin upon which to launch themselves to relationship success.
 
If you’re in a relationship, I wonder if there have been times when you have been able to be vulnerable and find comfort with your partner? What a gift that is.
 
It is an incredible honour when couples or individuals entrust me with their challenges, pain and dreams. Your emotional and physical well-being flourish when you enjoy dynamic, fun and connected relationships. It is never too late to begin being the best version of yourself in yours!
 
In the theme of taking time to boost your mental wellbeing, check out the www.qldmentalhealthweek.org.au website for the Instagram Take Time challenge. They’re inviting people across Queensland to share what it looks or feels like when they ‘take time’ for the things that boost their mental wellbeing.
 
Your post must be shared on Instagram using #QMHWTakeTime and can capture anything from a moment to an artwork. You might like to show how important it is to be active, keep learning, give, connect, enjoy the moment, or care for our planet. Just be creative, be yourself, and join the conversation.
 
The challenge will run in the lead up to Queensland Mental Health Week until Thursday 3 October 2019. There will be six prize draws during this time with all entrants having the chance to win!

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

​What does your memory have to do with a thriving and dynamic relationship? I’m not talking about mistakenly calling your girlfriend by your ex’s name or getting in trouble for forgetting your anniversary.
 
This is about keeping your relationship in your explicit memory versus your implicit memory. Your implicit memory knows how to ride a bike and you don’t consciously think about it. This might be where you’ve allowed your relationship to be chugging along right there in the background. You know the spokes are rotating day in day out without effort and it’s getting rusty. The squeaky whining is becoming louder and it’s seizing up. Even worse, it might be rattling out of control down a deep dark mountain toward the valley of Splitsville and you’ve got no idea how to catch it?
 
This compares to explicit memory of which matters are intentionally recalled on a daily basis. Your bike is lovingly maintained with attention to keeping those fine curves and strong frame polished and well lubricated. It is one that others admire and wish they had one like it. Even your children watch how you lovingly maintain it and they then learn how to care for their bikes too.
 
So what to do with a rusty, creaky bike? You take a good look at what it needs. You might head to the bike shop for some advice, maybe a new pump, extra tools and some free strategies from the friendly bike store person who expertly recognises the importance of maintaining your bike to save you money so you don’t have to look for a new one and eventually end up in the same position.
 
Thank goodness we have Marriage Week each year to remind us to do exactly this to our relationships? That’s it – pop it back into the forefront of your mind! How do you do that? Make it intentional and not just this week!
 
Head to my website for some free resources and use this as your kickstart to success. You too can turn around a substandard and conflicted relationship that’s hurtled out of control.
 
You’ll also find information to some of the wonderful well researched online analysis such as Prepare-Enrich which is scientifically proven to improve your dynamics and relationship skills. Couples who take this time have the potential to reduce their chances of divorce by 30%. It’s actually quite novel to to examine your dynamic, your personality style and find new constructive dialogues to set you up for success.
 
I use this tool for pre-marriage couples, post marriage one year check-ups to highly conflicted couples on the brink of entering the dreaded and expensive Splitsville. You each complete a tailored set of questions online that takes about 30 minutes and we then go through the report of which the blokes especially appreciate the charts and graphs! There’s even a simpler couple check-up version you can do yourself today.
 
Another wonderful clinician tool I use is the Gottman Relationship Check-up. It’s another level of depth of 480 questions about friendship, intimacy. You rate yourself on how well you know your spouse, how you manage emotions and conflict, share your values and goals, and what gives meaning to your lives. There’s not much it doesn’t cover about parenting, housework, finances and trust and you then learn new healthy conflict cycles others can mentor from!
 
It is never too late to begin and worth your investment in time on these tools versus the angst in investing in your lawyer! Here’s cheers to Marriage Week and alluring cycling lycra. In the meantime, if you need a date idea, sign up together for the Sunshine Coast Big Beach bike ride on 20 October.

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

​With much grunt and gusto, I’ve bravely explored the world of the hairy man type in a relationship with a fluttering eyelashes female throughout August. I’ve delved into these key topics often found in my relationship therapy and as put forward throughout this series by blokes. They’re yearning to discover why women:

• Always interpret the worst of what men are trying to say and not just assume the best one?
• Think it’s so wrong with trying to fix things when you tell us your problems?
• Need our opinion on decorating questions when we only see in primary colours? We don’t see puce or coral or that matter!

You can find these answers and more on my blog, however as today August draws to a close, it’s time for the big question many fellas want to get to the bottom of: Why don’t women desire sexual intimacy as much as we do? In the absence of a sealed section in this magazine, I’ll keep it above the waist line.

Once again, I’ll highlight it’s just not appropriate to stereotype men and women. There is a large quotient of libidinous females out there that suffer inextricably from rejection and low self-esteem as result of not being with a man who fits the mainstream oversexed male. You know the typical beef-cakes who chuckle and elbow each other at the great aussie barbecue as they whine they’re never indulged enough by their Sheila. This role does not always play out at home in the bedroom so that’s a topic for another time.

After collaborating and interviewing a few sex therapists, including the work of Laurie Watson of Psychology Today, here's what I've unveiled:

• Men’s body chemistry including that well known testosterone surging through his body results in his desire starting there. A women’s passion is more likely ignited in her mind by contented feelings of connection, adoration and positive memories.
• Men crave sex like chocolate – it’s a hunger to be fulfilled.
• The energy derived from sexual pleasure can be a tantalising reward for working, monotony and protecting his family.
• Turning on his partner is reported to be the most satisfying in their pursuit to make it a mutually pleasurable experience as many fantasise on seeking to improve on satisfying their partner.
• It’s not just “getting his rocks off” but a deep emotional connection that creates attunement and attachment. As Watson aptly states, it “spurs relational generosity, faith and optimism”. When he feels desired by his partner, it creates a sense of reassurance and commitment.

Women long for an emotional connection before physical connection and it’s worth realising they may need that first to be emotionally vulnerable and available to communicate. That is, unless they pass out snoring first.

Listen in to my interview with Sunshine Coast sex therapist, Pauline Ryeland on my "Is This Love?" podcast!

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. 

Can you imagine how fun this series is in attempting to walk in the shoes of a bloke for a month? It sure is mind boggling when you can’t see as many shades of colour, talk half as much, struggle to put feelings into words and often incredibly frustrated when your woman doesn’t seem to want to put out as much as you’d like her to.

I do hope however, you’ve benefitted from this series in realising our uniqueness. These stereotypical behaviours do not apply to everyone – you are you! Some women display more masculine behaviours than others and vice versa.

Meanwhile in the counselling room and as put forward on my social media, there certainly are some recurrent themes. Today, I contemplate, “Why do women always interpret the worst of what men are trying to say and not just assume the best one?”

“Trying to say” is the important phrase here. I can’t count the number of times brave blokes have turned up for counselling rather ill-equipped to reveal what’s really going on for them and even worse, attempt to talk about the “f” word – feelings.

I do wonder how much socialisation has created this stoicism and repression of feelings that contribute to men leaving the “relationship stuff” to the women. Men are not the “feelingless” gender – they’re in there. If many Australian blokes haven’t traditionally been encouraged to speak about matters of the heart coupled with their brain that tends to internalise, why would they expressively reveal their emotions to openly communicate the way women want and create that connection we all long for in our relationships.

We absolutely need to appreciate the differences in the emotional centre of our brains. Women have a stronger left amygdala that facilitates recall of emotional experiences in more detail. Men are stronger on the right side, providing them to focus on the big picture in a more practical and orderly way versus the emotional memories. Guys are fortunate to have a slightly smaller prefrontal cortex which allows them to get to the point a lot quicker with reason and logic. 

A woman’s amygdala is more easily activated by emotions compared to their man’s action-orientated and practical approach more alert to danger and wired for protecting. You threaten them and then they’ll exhibit more emotion! This practical, external focus explains why he always wants to fix it without the need for long talks into the night as we may go in circles with no apparent point. Simply put, his brain circuits aren’t wired to retain information in the detailed and emotional way that a woman’s is. How on earth are they then expected to communicate in the same way we do?

It’s also worth noting if based on previous experience, do:
- some women could already have labelled their man with certain traits that then filter in the worst-case scenario?
- we also incorporate “catastrophic” thinking into our relationships that then translates to lack of trust and looking for the negative in all situations?
- we attempt to mind-read in making weird and wonderful assumptions instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt?
- we allow comparison to steal the joy from hearing the positives in our man’s communication as compared to what we hear other men say to their partner? Do we assume all other men say all the right things and forget the positive traits and words he does get right in a different way?

I whole-heartedly agree that many men could share the “relationship load” in facilitating emotional attentiveness. Could same ladies, however remove any high expectations and the “shoulds”. Could we shift the blame to a more collaborative approach in enjoying your incredible differences in how we communicate and play the catch them doing it well game for a change?

Next week, the most common question: Why don’t women desire sexual intimacy as much as we do?

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

This week, I’m supporting blokes for when she sees “puce” and you see brown. She sees “steel slate” and you see gray. We are in the middle of Audacious August with my attempt at stepping into the boots of the great Australian male in relationship with his sheila! Feel free to peruse my blog for the recent weeks articles on the myriad of challenges faced by men as noted in relationship counselling or you’ve emailed and commented on social media.

This topic represents a metaphor for male female relationships in that we really do see through different lenses in many instances. Realising this masculine versus feminine approach could be one major step forward to your more intimate relationship.

Thanks to Jason who commented on social media about his frustration on being questioned by his woman about interior decorating colour options. He noted, “We only see in primary colours”, and he’s quite right! Men do see multiple distinct colours only and females see multiple shades. It’s hard-wired.

As you could imagine, women become quite despondent and rejected when we receive little input to our dilemma of the mango tango curtains versus the coral ones. Thanks to Dr Caroline Leaf in her book, He Said She Said, who provides greater insight around the cause of this in the biology around our vision!

“The X-chromosome provides the cone-shaped cells that handle colour. Women have two X-chromosomes and men have one, so women have more cells that allow them to see subtle changes in shades of colour. Females also have more P-cells—special cells in the retina that help the brain interpret texture and colour. These P-cells allow women to be more detail-oriented than men. Males, on the other hand, have more M-cells, other specialized cells in the retina that help the brain analyze motion, action and direction. M-cells help men see how things move and work.”

This would explain why I’ve managed to reverse into my husband’s car in our driveway let’s just say more than once in broad daylight. It also makes sense why he couldn’t care less about what shade of red he went when he found out. Surely the fact that men see better than women in bright light and women see more details in short distances in the dark has something to do with it?

​So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You can remain anonymous!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

​Throughout Audacious August, I’m bravely journeying the world of an aussie male.

Peruse the most recent articles on this blog for some of the mysteries I seek to unveil about men, particularly those in relationship with a woman. Today I investigate why we find men’s lack of communication so troubling?
​
Thank you for your overwhelming response to last week’s article. Here are more contemplations based on your contributions, Why:

• Do we always interpret the worst of what men are trying to say and not just assume the best one?
• Do women think it’s so wrong with trying to fix things when you tell us your problems?
• Do women need our opinion on decorating questions when we only see in primary colours? We don’t see puce or coral or that matter!
• Don’t women desire sexual intimacy as much as we do?
• Do men suffer inextricably worse than women when physically incapacitated?
• Don’t men and women approach situations anywhere near the same?

Firstly, let’s point out the amazing similarity between men and women - we all long to be loved! Yes, we might look different, sound different and go about getting love in a different way however all the PHd’ers out there keep coming back to more similarities than differences.

Whilst I’ve covered fascinating facts about our variances in brain structure over previous articles, one important point is we are miraculously designed to complement each other. When you think about it, there isn’t one kind of man and one kind female – most of the stereotypes just don’t fit! You are unique.

I’ll now address the talking conundrum with a joke from the late American journalist, Helen Rowland, "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you."  

I mentioned last week that constructive emotional disclosure discussions support closeness. I get the impression that aside from the closeness part, this seems most unappealing to men. One helpful male wrote in this week with this helpful perspective, “The masculine in all of us, men and women is covert by nature and thus reluctant to open itself up to scrutiny. Many men, especially those who have yet to recognise the power of their own feminine essence, simply have not exercised this channel for connection with another human being.”

Furthermore, neuroscience reveals that females are extremely accomplished at detecting when they’re being listened to – or not. It influences our sense of self-worth. We will catch you out! Female brains have an amazing capacity to group sounds and analyse them versus the male brain which listens for a specific focussed purpose.

Here’s an exert from Dr Caroline Leaf’s book, “He said, she said”.

“A husband may find it a challenge to keep up with his wife as she zig-zags her way through all the various adventures of her day, constantly inserting random factoids and minutiae. There’s a reason she knows where she’s going even when he’s completely lost and beginning to lose interest. Her girlfriends love all the extra details she gives when she’s telling a story—her husband’s wondering, “What does this have to do with that?”

As I regularly highlight in couple’s therapy, ladies, save some of your words for your gal pals and reduce any extravagant body movements to minimise distraction! Fellas, hang in there with us. Keep eye-contact, reassure, ask questions and practise attentive listening for as long as you can. Start pondering the footy scores or other bouncy things – we see it all over your face!

Next week I’m supporting blokes for when she sees “puce” and you see brown. She sees “relaxed khaki” and you see green.

​So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You can remain anonymous!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

With much excitement, I’ve renamed this month - Audacious August. What daring and courageous risks would this thrill-seeking columnist be taking now you ponder? You guessed it, I’m precariously peering life through the lens of the other side. I’m bravely entering the foreign world of being an Australian manly man! Furthermore, being a macho beefcake navigating love and relationships.
 
I feel it’s time to support you blokes in areas such as understanding every word we are NOT saying as well as a few expert tips on getting all the love you need. Yes, I do know what your version of love is! Wink.
 
As a woman and relationship therapist, I’ve heard all the snide jokes. Here’s one: “Menopause, menstrual cramps, mental illness, mental breakdowns…ever notice that all of your problems begin with men?”.  What about, “While creating men, God promised women that a good and ideal man would be found in all corners of the world, then He made the earth round.” I’ll leave it at just the two but leave you with a few questions about men that are continually investigated in the counselling room: Why:

• Do many find talking so challenging?
• Don’t they remember to connect and communicate before physical intimacy?
• Do they anger so easily?
• Don’t they feel admired so consistently?
• Do they so often feel such an intense financial pressure?
• Don’t they express their emotional needs very frequently?
• Do they seem to hide their emotions until they’re really frustrated?
• Don’t they have many facial expressions to help us out?`

 
Whilst I agree we can’t stereotype the idiosyncrasies and mysteries of the Australian male, these are consistent themes I notice. Just to clarify, some fellas talk even more than their shy sheila and absolutely do some women have a higher libido than their stallion.
 
We already know that intimacy in relationships is fostered in deep sharing and empathic responding which makes sense where it all goes wrong. If you take nothing else from this series, what is for sure is that women felt more intimate when their partners display understanding, validation, and caring. What’s fascinating for me is that men thrive on protecting and achieving all these things however as for both sexes, don’t always get it right.
 
I can’t wait to delve into all these challenges of being an Aussie man in relationship for the well-being of all throughout Audacious August and beyond!
 
So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You will remain anonymous!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

Not fibbing or blubbering. I’m talking phubbing! This is a behaviour, I’ve sadly discovered, I am still guilty of and I’m guessing you could well be too.
 
Technology advancing at lightning speed and its great impact on the way we do things is nothing new. I personally can’t wait to download the latest App for fear of missing out! Last week it was for sleep monitoring and this week it’s a new funky navigational one. Social media networks have become the main channels of communication for so many of us. You’ve been living in Paradise Caves (that’s a real place on the Sunshine Coast!), if you haven’t heard of or used Facebook, Messenger, SnapChat, Twitter, YouTube, Flickr, Instagram, WhatsApp and Tinder.

This is where your internal friction lies. Regularly prioritise that phone that tells you the weather, how to find package free wholefoods to engineer that delectable dish to cook, how much money you raised for the Sunshine Coast Coastrek, and the footy scores; over the love for your partner, results in “phubbing”. Phone plus snubbing.
 
I’m the first one to admit to being amused or mesmerized for too long by a certain hand-held device portraying enviable, captivating pictures, data or ideas - whilst my own family was seeking my attention. I’d often phubbed them and am ashamed. This shocking behavioural phenomenon is a also a real word and a “thing”. This dreadful “technoference” means those most important to me could be in deficit of the emotional attentiveness they deserve. Furthermore it can make us feel incredibly down.
 
Just last week, Neurocience News reported, what a team of psychologists at Ruhr-Universität Bochum (RUB) led by Dr. Phillip Ozimek discovered:
 
“Private and professional social networks can promote higher levels of depression if users mainly use them passively, compare themselves with others socially and these comparisons have a negative impact on self-esteem. ‘It is important that this impression that everyone else is better off can be an absolute fallacy,’ says the psychologist. “In fact, very few people post on social media about negative experiences. However, the fact that we are flooded with these positive experiences on the Internet gives us a completely different impression.”
 
Long ago, the Relationships Australia Indicator survey cited the concerning and significant proportion (around 50%) of both men and women who indicated that there had been a negative effect on their relationship due to a current or former partner spending too much time on the internet instead of with them or their family. Sad!
 
Marriages and Children flourish when they are not constantly receiving the message that your phone is more important than them. The happiest head start to your child’s life is a secure “attachment”. That is, they need to know they can count on you when they need, you love them and you need them. It also means, joining them in their “bids” for your attention. The frequency of such requests as, “Watch me balance this fidget spinner on my nose, Dad.” can be annoying, however from what I hear from the wise elderly, they’ll be grown up and gone way too soon.
 
My Relationship therapy often incorporates couples creating their own customized rules to prevent social media infiltrating their relationships and use it to enhance their connection. The first step is awareness, so be proactive and discuss any concerns with your partner. Here are some ideas that I’ve collaborated with couples and found effective:  

1. Redirect work phone calls to a colleague or subordinate on specified days or evenings.  
2. Prohibiting screen time past 8:00pm (put them in a technology box at the door).
3. Delete the offending “app” from your smart phone for a set period of time to disrupt unhealthy patterns.  Replace it with one that encourages a new activity together such as fitness goals.  
4. Incorporate the use of technology for private romantic gestures or methods for gratitude.  Share your latest "app" find with your partner so they're always included.
5. Mention your partner in some of your online “posts” so they know you’re proud of them. If you’re in a relationship, why would your online world reflect anything different?
6. Buy an old-style alarm clock and keep phones out of the bedroom.
7. Plan device-free outings! Imagine that. You’ll have to remember it as you won’t even be able to take a photo!
8. Have a technology detox such as on a Sunday.

If you have small Children, model behaviour and respect for others you would hope they will reflect - especially when they are teenagers!  As much as social media is an effective tool in connecting relationships, it can also lead to their demise. Be still, be present, and you give and get the gift of NOW. You too can stop phubbing.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

Welcome back to school and Term 3 here in Queensland, Australia! For many parents and carers, it’s juggle, stretch and rise to the challenge! Here are a few frequently asked questions you might find beneficial that enhance your relationship with your partner and children:
 
My partner works full-time, is often away, and doesn’t get the chance to take the children to school or help at school activities etc. He is feeling like he is missing out. How can I make him feel more involved?
Thankfully we have the benefit of the huge variety of phone Apps to keep working partners in touch with their family. It certainly doesn’t replace touch, but a quick “Face Time” at the soccer match is a wonderful tool. Other ideas are:

• Plan ahead with class teachers to invite the working parent in for a “Show and Share” about their job. You can engineer any job to sound exciting!
• Exchange drawings or notes in lunch boxes.
• Plan regular one on one breakfast dates with the working parent before school if you have multiple children.
• Arrange for a spontaneous school pick-up by the working partner. It might be infrequent but avoid being too rigid in your roles as these surprises will be memorable.
• Create a special regular ritual such as “Saturday morning pancake cook up” when the working parent is home that creates a special connection.
• Create an online shared photo album or scrap book of events to share important achievements such as awards or exciting things to share with the working parent.
• Draw up a special calendar featuring input from the Children on days when a travelling parent arrives home.
• Importantly, ensure both parents are understanding of hectic times during their schedule such as meetings and evening bath/mealtimes!

 
My wife and I share a few differences when it comes to disciplining the children. How can we unify our parenting?
To ensure you are both presenting as a “united front” to your children, it is helpful to have a discussion with your husband around these questions:

1. Do you appreciate how you were disciplined?
2. If anything, what would you change about your childhood?
3. How close did you feel to your family and if not, why not?
4. Do you remember how bed and mealtimes were handled?
5. What were the consequences for poor choices when you were a child?
6. Do you desire to mirror your parents’ methods?
7. How are your respective answers to the above similar or different?

 
Whilst you cannot anticipate every scenario, I encourage couples to conduct regular behind the scenes discussions to determine your disciplinary style. It is natural to discover you have inconsistent approaches. Importantly, back each other in front of the children then discuss it later. Your children will be quick to work around the parent who is more flexible!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

How much does a sport like netball and being a part of any team sport enhance your relationship skills? Plenty! Here are my thoughts on this topic as requested by the Sunshine Coast Daily.
 
At the time, I didn’t realise how much playing team sport as a child has contributed to strengthening my social skills to build healthy relationships. Aside from developing coordination (not sure if I ever mastered this one!), and benefiting from fitness, here’s what I learnt to do:

• Reflect on my performance when I contributed to losing.
• Deal with “ball hogs”, bullies, witness on field tantrums and hear swearing from others when they didn’t win.
• Listen and respect my elders such as the coach, referee and sports officials (even when we didn’t agree).
• Enjoy comradery, to build each other up “when the chips are down”.
• Positively bond with other females as they’re particularly important to women.
• Talk out problems with my teammates either about the game or otherwise.
• Build tenacity and resilience to grind through gruelling training sessions.
• Not rely on a screen for entertainment.
• Enjoy confidence when we achieved as a team.
• Play by the rules, learn consequences and personal boundaries.
• Experience the joy of sharing the adventure of visiting new places with others.
• Notice a consistent correlation in academic success when I applied the same principles of hard work and dedication.
• Appreciate “muscle memory” when I’ve continued to exercise as an adult.
• Take advantage of being inspired by healthy and fit lifestyle mentors.

 
How does this translate to adult relationships? I now have:

• A greater ability to work, live and tolerate people with different values, backgrounds and idiosyncrasies.
• Insight my harsh words cannot be rewound and the need to own my poor selfish behaviour
• An understanding that what motivates me, may not inspire someone else.
• The joy of seeking to provide care and love in a way that is different to mine.
• A greater chance of successfully placating someone else facing loss, disappointed or distressed.
• No problem seeking wisdom from mentors who consistently enjoy a great marriage or relationships.
• The benefit of fulfillment of self-sacrifice to support someone else.
• The knowledge that exercise is the best stress, depression and anxiety medication that contributes to being the best wife, mother, daughter and neuropsychotherapist I can be!

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"