Australians in many states can enjoy a glorious winter but we may still withdraw a little from the chill, find it harder to exercise and feel more irritable. Our lips get dry and cracked and so can our relationships. You may have started the year with the intention to give your relationship another big shot and rekindle the connection, then found it further strained throughout social isolation. As we approach mid-year, maybe you’re both on the downward spiral and bogged down.

Whilst this one is more for the ladies, I know you blokes will sneek a peek. So gals, here are your winter intimacy revival techniques you’ll love and could well loathe:

• Indulge in you first! Make a list of 20 things that delight you. Carve out time to do three things in the next week and be responsible for achieving them. Focus on your own desires as it's not your man’s job to make you happy. Entertain the ideas of your list of "I want..." Instead of why you can't or it won't work. You absolutely can overcome resistance or fear as to why it's impossible.
• Express your desires to your partner in the way that inspires. "I would love it if..." Take out the "you"...
• Girl chat. Call a trusted friend who can also support your own desires. Feedback in the Counselling room is us girls generally have too many words a bloke can bear. Share them around! 
• Consider the first three things you think about your husband when asked to describe him and it will give an indication of your approach to your relationship.
• A man needs respect like he needs oxygen. Restore respect with an apology. Act as if you respect your spouse even if you don't feel it right now. Fake it til you make it! He’s quite likely a great guy because you wouldn’t have chosen him in the first place. 
• Helpful in wife language can be critical in man language. Consider what is the outcome you want? A wife expressing her desires is always more powerful than debating or disagreeing with his thinking which can be disrespectful. You can listen to your spouse without agreeing or disagreeing for a moment. Just be an attentive listener. 
• Know where you end and where you husband begins and act accordingly. Do you need to relinquish some control and say, “yes to yourself” then stop doing things for him he could easily do himself?
• Consider your marriage as a wonderful "Self-Improvement" project. It’s much like a mirror and an accurate reflection of the energy you provide to your spouse’s environment. 

• Shift your focus from what you don’t like to what you do! What you focus on attracts more. Express gratitude three times a day to your husband from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
• During conflict, use “Ouch” to convey your hurt and diffuse your reactive torrent of words with this one word!
• Affirm what you want to experience instead of what might be your current reality. What will your “Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy Be?”.
• Consider getting out of that vehicle of contemplating separating or divorce that you’re bogged down in and lead the relationship in a positive and proactive way. You then have some peace you at least gave your 100% before you choose which road you’ll take.
  

With thanks to Laura Doyle for some great concepts gleaned from her contribution to relationship therapy.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

It's likely I'm going to be one someday, so have shelved the Mother-In-Law jokes this week as Part two of “What to do about my partner’s strange friends and family?” -  in preparation for Mother’s Day next week.  

Last week I touched on the myriad of ways these “free gift with purchase” people with your spouse can infiltrate your love nest causing bitterness and resentment.  Speaking of FREE, keep reading to ensure you get the free unique Mother's Day gift with a difference.

Firstly, let’s assume that anyone unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well. 

Many find they’ve built themselves a quiet place inside their imaginary cave as a last resort to coping. (Social distancing also won’t go on forever!) Others are still feisty and will attack any outsiders who may compromise the new family culture they’re trying to create. Thankfully, you now have my tips using an acronym from the word RESPECT: 

Respect: Everyone deserves it and so do you. You’re likely different from your in-laws and it’s important to respect the parents of the spouse you’ve chosen to love who made them. How much is healthy to be involved is another thing.  

Establish boundaries that support your new family culture. You are your partner can decide what are the best and worst parts of your respective up-bringing you’d like to bring to your own new family culture.

Set the benchmark for those aspects of your life you’re unable to compromise on. This allows you to be more patient and flexible to accept the differences in other areas. What a beautiful gift to your partner to integrate their traditions or funny quirks into your lives for comfort and familiarity. Can you try and replicate that chocolate pudding for your husband his mother used to lovingly make?

Prepare yourself for all the making up for lost time visits and holidays together following the pandemic. Evaluate your self-talk to ensure it is loving and kind. If you’re already ruminating over their negative behaviours, past hurts and plotting revenge, it won’t take much for you react less than favourably. Hurling your glass of red wine at your wife’s best friend at their wedding will be something you’ll regret.


Enjoy them! Again, you’ve bought into this relationship and will invest favourably for long term return if you make it your business to find something to like about them. What fascinating differences can you learn more about and appreciate?

Champion admirable behaviour and skip the constant judgement. It’s exhausting and taxing on your mental health. Your spouse’s friends and family may not have table manners, the courtesy to call before they drop-in, know when to stop drinking and the list goes on. Instead of cutting them out of your life, can you consistently mentor your values and teach your children? Maybe it’ll catch on?


Take steps to forgive! Unforgiveness of their wrongs holds you in a vice-like grip of toxic stress due to consistent high levels of cortisol in your body – even if you don’t realise it. Who wants to die young because of their Mother in Law?

Here's my thoughtful gift idea FREE for you to download. It's a beautiful list of prompts to deepen your knowledge of your Mum - "Legacy of Love Questions for Mother's Day".  She can complete them together with you or just send them in her own time. Hey Dads! Roll up the print-out and gift on behalf of small children. If you're a Mother, print and gift them your inner thoughts, desires and history!


Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com



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I haven't spoken to the mother-in-law for six months now ... apparently, it's rude to interrupt.”chuckled one of my clients recently. The focus is mothers-in-law as we prepare for Mother’s Day on 10 May in case you need to prepare!  I have a FREE thoughtful gift idea so read on for access to that one.

Not just the outlaws but extended family and friends, too and  I’m quite sure there are a few relieved people that have found social distancing quite beneficial?

Starry-eyed romantics are often caught unaware after slipping into the love vortex. Clarity is skewed, thanks to oxytocin: the love neurochemical that helps us pair up. Many seal their commitment with a kiss and a ring, only to realise down the marital track there's a whole new group of influencers behind their beloved.

There's Uncle Bert who dropped in unannounced, way too often and your spouse seems incredibly nonplussed. How about your partner's best friend you've never really gelled with from the start? Ever heard of that inappropriate sister-in-law who reveals way too much about your partner's ex? Do you have a father-in-law who unashamedly runs a dictatorship around the money that you've earned? Speaking of your hard-earned coin, how are your stepchildren syphoning that out of your lifestyle? ​

Does social distancing translate to a greater use of pornography? I don’t know but many people do ask me if pornography is a contributing cause to the demise of relationships?

This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a relationship therapist, I journey with clients without judgment and respect their opinions and values. With thanks to the contributions on this topic to clinical psychologist Dr Clare Rosoman.

Firstly, here are some interesting statistics from Pornhub. It is a pornographic video-sharing website and stated to be the largest pornography site but certainly not the only one on the internet. The site attracted a total of 42 billion visitors in 2019 (around 115  million a day). The United States was the top country by traffic. Australia is in ninth place. The breakdown of viewing age groups are:
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• 18-24: 25  per cent
• 25-34: 36 per cent
• 35-44: 17  per cent
• 45-54: 11 per cent
• 55-64: 7 per cent
• 65-plus: 4 per cent

• Female users increase each year and now makeup 32 per cent of worldwide Pornhub traffic.
• Most frequent time for viewing is between 10 pm and 1 am.
• The most popular day is Sunday and the least popular is Friday.
• 76.6% is viewed on a phone, 16.3% on a desktop PC and 7.1% on a tablet.

It's a big profitable billion-dollar business and researchers Paul and Shim (2008) say the four main reasons for using such services are for:
Fantasy: sexual excitement, satisfaction, curiosity, exploration and anonymity
Mood management: emotional regulation, stress relief, escapism
Habitual use: habit and convenience
Relationship: enhancement, skills and novelty

Some of the common effects of pornography use for those in a relationship are:

• Feelings of internal conflict such as shame, depression, anxiety and irritability.
• Social withdrawal and guilt over the financial outlay

With frequency, pornography can normalise and desensitise associated behaviours that lead to the pursuit of another person and possible affair. In my experience, the partner not involved in the pornography may view it as a betrayal to the relationship. Not only can the partner feel sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use but also find certain new sexual activities objectionable. A new "sexual script” can be introduced and not welcomed.

Risqué images can start as entertainment, may escalate to compulsions then distorted beliefs, expectations and addictions. The user faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography. They can lose interest and engage in fewer sexual experiences with their partner.
Emotional closeness wanes due to a decrease in trust and pornography can be associated with dishonesty.

Is there any benefit for relationships? Some studies say it is not harmful and positive, while others say it is detrimental. The difference lies in how the questions are asked and who you ask. For example, people in casual relationships are far less likely to have a problem with it than those in long-term relationships who have built a life together.

Research has found that mutual use of porn was related to lower levels of distress but unrelated to relationship satisfaction in women. Some say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction.

Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone. Consistent results across studies show the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female, which lowers her relationship satisfaction reduces positive communication and creates instability, more relational aggression and lower female sexual desire.

In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 
 

It seems social distancing and increased downtime for many Australians equates to more screen time. Not  a week goes by when cyber-related challenges aren't raised in the counselling room.
The most common areas for concern discussed in counselling are:

• Frequent late-night use of the internet.
• Addictive games and related conversations with people unknown to partners.
• Obsessive protection of phones that never leave their side.
• Lack of attention to children's hours spent online that causes aggression or moodiness.

If you have children, there are some great online safety quizzes to check their understanding around sharing their images, giving out their information and what to do about online bullying. It could save their life.

I totally love we've become even more connected and technology is a life-line during a pandemic.  Long-distance relationships are enhanced with it and those living or travelling abroad feel closer than ever. In day-to-day life, however, screens are often an unwanted third person in the relationship. When both partners are screen-addicted, it's some sort of crazy foursome where the only real connection is the charging port that sustains this unhealthy attachment.

It's not just our children with whom we need to have sensible discussions. We also need to communicate with our partners. Here are some topics to ask each other:

• What do we perceive is a reasonable amount of screen time per day?
• Can we incorporate a fun challenge with an incentive to reduce it? (Many devices have in-built time tracking to keep you informed.)
• Do we set a good example for screen usage etiquette for children? (That is, putting down your screen, engaging with emotional attentiveness and eye contact or keeping devices away from the dinner table.)
• Do we share new interests apps or games with each other?
• What apps, websites, podcasts or blogs can we both use to enrich our relationship? A great example is the Gottman Card Decks app for couples.
• Do we feel comfortable leaving our phone unattended and face up around our partner?
• Are we comfortable to be online friends with ex-partners, old school friends or new acquaintances of the opposite sex?
• Who do we agree is acceptable for us to chat to online?
• Have we ever gifted money to a cause, a person or organisation and not told each other?
• Do we have a no-screen zone in our house or time frames when we converse real-time in the flesh?
• Do we agree with what each other posts on social media sites?

Enjoy the wonders of technology to be entertained, organised and informed, but if you're withholding information from your partner about your screen use, it's your red flag.

May any downtime feature a healthy balance of enjoying others, exercising outside and whatever else fills you with joy during a pandemic!

Watch this space next week as I contemplate if social distancing increases the use of pornography?

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on her weekly Sunshine Coast Daily Relationship articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Sadly, we were already in the grip of a mental health crisis caused by trends in Australian society featuring shrinking households, greater tendency to be more mobile severing old-fashioned neighbourly friendships, the rate of separation and divorce, decreasing birth rate where we compensate with more pets instead (which isn’t all bad!) and the information technology boom that has us feeling more connected than ever before but more apart from each other!
 
Enter a pandemic then forced isolation and we ‘stack’ a sense of global fear to already high anxiety levels for many Australians.
 
As a human race, we are designed relationally and thrive on interaction with others. Loneliness is said to be in the top three social challenges facing Australia. We are created relationally; humans are social beings. When we feel loved, secure and attached to people and our surroundings, we flourish. Look beyond the real symptoms of anxiety and you’ll see the social fragmentation behind it. In my experience, loneliness and disconnection is the root cause of addictions.
 
Whilst it’s not all bad and we can use technology as a force for good such as using teleconferencing platforms to host a new Book Club or craft, Social Media “Watch parties”, chat groups, online exercise competitions and so on.
 
What this doesn’t cater for, is touch. This was highlighted by a client who was incarcerated for two years. He painfully described the devastating impact of the warmth and reassurance we take for granted from just a pat on the back or an “It will be ok” rub on the arm, let alone longing for that oxytocin inducing six-second hug. My Mum realised the power of connection from holding hands throughout  60 years of marriage she still misses so much since Dad died. 
 
We don’t realise how much touch communicates positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. Consider those elderly, isolated or unwell without the language of touch. I’m hearing of isolated virus-stricken patients dying alone quarantined in overseas hospitals without their loved ones.
 
Interestingly, I’ve become so accustomed to individuals rating themselves very poorly after they realise their cat or dog receives a far greater, attentive loving greeting than their intimate partner. That unconditional love from your ball of furry goodness that doesn’t whine about the unwashed dishes is inexplicable joy.
 
Being forced to walk an energetic dog longing for some action is an obvious benefit. Even those who pop that cat or small designer pup into a pram are still out exercising their lungs for the greater good. Dog owners can continue to enjoy socialisation at the doggy park or on the beach with the fresh air whilst getting physically fit and still meet the six feet social distancing suggestion.
 
Whilst the various research over the decades lack conclusive evidence that owning a pet translates to mental health, it makes sense that pet owners would have high levels of self-esteem, are less fearful and lonely.
 
Those that consider their pet as a “family member” benefit immensely from the love and connection that brings. During fearful times of doomsday reports and social distancing, those that live alone or in a small household can enjoy the sense of purpose that pets contribute. To experience the warm snuggle of a larger pet to a hungry,  chirping budgie all contribute to a sense of belonging and purpose that otherwise could contribute to spiralling loneliness and depression.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Last week I highlighted the importance of down-regulating your stress response to fear in ensuring your best chances of a healthy immune system.Let’s assume you’re now intentionally calm despite the nagging concern in the pit of your stomach of where your next packet of pasta is coming from.
 
The majority of everything has been cancelled. You’ve been relieved of the hectic child taxi service, the gym, footy club or whatever your “thing”, is closed until further notice - there’s nothing on and finances might be tight. The sound of crickets are chirping except for the tap of your keyboard or phone, working from home.
 
You turn around to see someone who seems rather nice working nearby on their PC at your kitchen bench who says their you’re spouse! How about that? It’s involuntary reconnection time. With dismay, you realise this is potentially the longest and most time you’ve ever spent together. Enter the rambunctious children home from school.  Now what?
 
Yes, you love them all but the tension is definitely on the cards so here are my top tips during social distancing:

• Keep to routines: safety and security can be found in keeping as much the same as possible. Get up and dressed at the same time. Similar recess and lunchtimes for any children at home can be calming.
• Allow space: respect everyone’s need for alone time or quiet space to work. Establish clear boundaries for working areas so everyone stays sane.
• Allocate responsibilities: everyone is now dishevelling items more often, so everyone gets more allocated tasks to tidy - no matter their age. Invite your imaginary disrespectful family member,  “Feral Cheryl” over. Everyone can loudly blame any mess on this undomesticated person to avoid pointing the finger. Hopefully, the culprit will still get the message.
• Reach out: “Social isolation” is not “social disconnection”.  Your community is still easily accessible via social media to check-in on others and anticipate what neighbours might need. Pick up the phone to be an attentive listener to others worries. What a gift you could be.
• Laugh: You won’t have to scroll too long for plenty of chuckles from memes or videos. It is healthy and still ok to laugh. The creativity to create laughs around this topic has been next level. Make your own wacky clips – you might be the next online sensation.
• Exercise: is the best anti-depressant/anxiety medication on the planet. Pump that heart rate for at least 30 minutes a day. Skip, jog on the spot or email me your daggy dance clips please.
• Entertainment: schedule in games, quizzes, conversations cards – gosh who knows what fascinating tidbits you’ll find out?
• Personal Development: More time than usual? Use this golden opportunity to read or listen to audio books of inspiring authors whilst pruning the garden? Turn your most challenging times into evaluating how you can learn to healthily respond to fear or uncertainty.
• Support a health worker: we all know someone. Offer messages of support and check-in on those tirelessly caring for others and often at risk.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources including Great Ideas and Workbook to Stockpile solutions for super mental health throughout isolation at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

​How do you cope with the unknown? What behaviours do those of you in a relationship find your partner exhibit when fearful? Do you have a child who surprises you with bizarre and unsettling responses to change or feeling scared?
 
In these unprecedented times of a pandemic with terrifying updates bombarded so easily accessible to our hand-held devices at lightning speed, we can be shocked by other’s response to fear. I even surprise myself sometimes.
 
Some are scoffing at selfish food hoarders or doing it themselves. Some are even violent in the traffic or at the shopping centre. Others are bingeing til the wee hours riveted to news feeds of doomsday media reports that may be ambiguous, exaggerated as well as realistic? There are those with their “head in the sand” and you know the ones incessantly chatting to their co-workers about all the “What if’s” and the conspiracy theories.
 
Stockpile this then to another perceived horror for those poor souls who’ve realised they will be held captive in isolation with not only their children but their spouse at home at the same time for a longer time than ever before. “Some” is the key word here as for many introverts this is a dream come true where they can enjoy some healthy alone time amongst their family who respect their space! Some even relish and love the company of their family – in small doses!
 
Overall, this is all understandably frightening.  My heart and concern to those with a compromised immune system, the elderly and those already suffering an illness or this virus.
 
As with all aspects of life – how can we approach this situation whilst adopting the necessary hygiene precautions and giving ourselves the best advantage possible?
 
We achieve a balance on fear. Did you know that fear can be more dangerous than the virus? Toxic over-thinking, particularly focussing on misinterpreted information is detrimental to your health. When your body operates under constant cortisol overload in stress, the blood vessels to your heart constrict with less oxygen to the brain. We need healthy stress, but the detrimental reaction under pressure from too much toxic stress too often will have you more vulnerable and susceptible to disease. Being overly anxious can lead to the “nocebo effect”. That is, the negative thoughts of the situation becoming a more negative effect that it otherwise would have.  
 
For most of us, we may become unwell and suffer the standard symptoms and recover. As we negotiate this unchartered territory, I ask that you down regulate your stress response by looking outwards with respect and kindness. More than ever do we rely on our health workers. How can we help support their families? Can you deliver food stores to your elderly neighbour (be ok with them disinfecting it at the door). Turn your fear into good and your brain will induce a feel-good positive response instead.

More on How do I cope with my partner in self-isolation? next week.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources including Great Ideas and Workbook to Stockpile solutions for super mental health throughout isolation at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Great relationships feature a healthy sense of self, independence and interdependence. This means you have flexibility, reciprocity without controlling behaviours. It can be a delicate balance that may have you relying on or conforming to your partner too much, leaving you without purpose or direction. Alternatively, too much independence can leave you living like flatmates, with little support and no chance of attaining joint goals.

When there is a mutual recognition and respect for personal space and individuality, your intimate relationship flourishes.

When you've achieved that wonderful balance, your relationship features:

• Friendship
• Ongoing affirmation, encouragement and adoration
• Sexual intimacy and mutual gratification
• Respect for differing values
• Time together and time apart
• Mutually enjoyable activities as well as different interests
• Active help for others but not to the exclusion of your partnership
• Support when your "chips are down”
• Trust

Throughout my years of counselling, I notice these common themes when couples go askew:

• One or both partners suffer from low sense of worth, they can experience a "primal panic” of neediness when the other seeks time alone or with other friends.
• An absence of trust, either from experiences from the current or previous relationships that undermine the ability to allow or enjoy freedom.
• Unequal power structures where one is too dominant. It thwarts the other's authenticity of which they usually revolt against in time.
• Important values such as religion, family culture or parenting styles are not supported or encouraged and it's causing distress.
• Life cycles such as starting a family can result in mothers losing time alone, financial freedom and lack of inclusion in major decisions.

How do we achieve the golden balance?

• Evaluate your sense of worth that supports healthy boundaries to assertively seek time out and ask for quality time together.
• Do you lack boundaries that allow your partner to be too dominant?
• If you're told you're too controlling, consider what needs you're seeking to meet to govern your spouse's life.
• Can you rebuild broken trust in this relationship or do you need to heal from the scars of hurt from the past?

Recognise you're not designed to be the shadow of your spouse, nor their dictator. You were created with the freedom and responsibility to complement them.

When you enjoy this wonderful balance, you're free to express your thoughts, feelings and desires. You can stand firm when your principles and values are compromised. You also openly welcome the opinions of your partner and remain considerate of alternative perspectives besides your own. Regularly find this synergy and you both shine as an even better version of yourselves, grounded in mutual admiration, encouragement and respect.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup discussing her weekly Sunshine Coast Daily relationships column. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

We’ve been getting down and  “naked to the soul” throughout the recent month. I’m unveiling all those major inhibitors to intimacy in this series and today is a wrap up of what has inspired incredible interest from the community. It is an honour to share insight from the counselling room on common snags to the secure connection and love we deserve in order to spread the love for everyone!
 
Last month I recognised four main categories:

• The frequency of your “attachment antennae”? 
• Apathy
• Fear of Rejection
• Misalignment

 
Today I present the overarching theme of being “naked to the soul”.
 
It would be safe to stay that our human nature default status is a lack of appreciation for ourselves. Even worse, self-deprecation and toxic self-loathing. It takes effort to keep abreast of the spiralling anxious thoughts that feed this.
 
In society, talk yourself up or display too much self-promotion – you’re arrogant, conceited and “full of yourself”. In reality, we thrive on encouragement, positive reinforcement and the connectedness from others to “have our back”, particularly when life gets challenging.
 
If I were to blatantly stereotype, many men will derive status from their achievements along with power from sex.  A lot of women feel validated for their appearance and sense of belonging and acceptance when in a relationship. I note we do have unique “mosaic” brains so everyone features their own blend of longings.
 
When we “strip back” our work, our interests, our looks and who we are with, it’s worth reflecting on exactly, Who am I without my money, job, my partner or other avenues I rely on for validation?” “Who do I represent?“ “What do I stand for?” and “What do I long for?”.
 
Do we miss out on complementing each other in healthy partnerships because we overlook what’s really inhibiting intimacy? The recognition of our design for love, acceptance and belonging for being ourselves with all our flaws and raw spots? Are we scared of what will see in ourselves when not covered by our “things”.
 
 You deserve to ask (in the appropriate way) for your desires, recognising you’re an amazing work in progress and be accepted for your short-comings. Have the courage to turn up bare in your relationship, naked to the soul.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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