Social connectedness has a bigger impact on health than giving up smoking, reducing excessive drinking, reducing obesity and any other preventative interventions? Whilst these strategies are going to enhance your lifestyle, modern medicine is realising the importance of integrating the most effective intervention for improving health and longevity - social relationships!
 
This month, I’m highlighting the contribution of social researcher and bestselling author, Hugh Mackay whose accolades include an Officer of the Order of Australia and Fellow of the Australian Psychological Society to name a few. I was honoured to interview Hugh and taking much delight in revealing his insight and wisdom that complements my contribution as a Relationships Therapist.
 
We are created relational social beings. When we feel loved, secure and attached to our people and surroundings, we flourish. Look beyond the symptoms of our anxiety epidemic and you’ll likely see social fragmentation behind it. An example of social fragmentation is one household in four has one person living in it with this trend set to decrease to one in three. Fragmentation features 35%-40% of marriages that end in divorce (a massive ripple effect on society and generations including children who transition between parents’ houses or choose to live independently earlier.) Busyness is our badge of honour and the information technology boom that as Mackay says, “makes us feel more connected than ever before. On the other hand, it makes it easier than ever for us to stay apart from each other and to settle for a text or a tweet, rather than a phone call, let alone a cup of coffee. We are getting used to the idea that you can communicate without human presence.”
 
In my experience in the Counselling room, loneliness and disconnection is usually the root cause of addictions. “For too long now, we have been living in a society that revolves around individualism and consumerism.” says Mackay, citing them as the “twin vanities”.
 
Hugh emphasizes this in what he calls being entangled in the QPL syndrome: the quest for the perfect latte. He says our sense of lack of control in the world causes us to seek fulfillment through bathroom renos, breast implants, enviable holidays we can Instagram and demand the perfect latte. We are ensnared in the false belief we will be happy when we get what we think we deserve. In reality, it is a never-ending chasm to fill and the root of entitlement and narcissism. Mackay says we have “lost sight of our true nature as people who belong to a society. We are, each of us, organically linked to the whole; its problems are our problems; the pain of any is the pain of all”.
 
Beyond Blue reveals two million Australians are suffering from a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Whilst youth suicide is falling, sadly our overall rate of suicide is still rising. Men are three times more likely to die of suicide, with approximately six male deaths per day.
 
What is going to counteract these frightening statistics? Find someone to work out or walk with, call a buddy for a beer, join the choir, pottery class and be brave enough to knock on your neighbour’s door. Your brain lights up when you’re connected, needed and contributing to the lives of others. Fellas can have a chilled out catch up at Sunshine Coast’s very own local initiative, www.grablifebytheballs.com.au which is expanding across Australia. There’s a plethora of women’s networking events in business, playgroups and hobbies. Use your screen for good today to search out some connections suited to you and courageously make contact. You’ll likely live a longer and healthier life.
 
I personally think it’s ok if you enjoy finding good coffee! 
 
If you’d like to know more on the Suicide Prevention Program at the Sunshine Coast Mind and Neuroscience -Thompson Institute, visit www.thealliance.org.au.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your Spouse It Up Guide at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 ​

Imagine if the Sunshine Coast experienced an additional wave of happiness, love, compassion and well-being. What if we became renown as the Sunshine Compassionate Coast? Envision our emergency hospital admissions being reduced by 30%, drastically alleviating the healthcare budget? Visualise our new express train to and from the big smoke to catch a show or attend a meeting with the proceeds!

I’m not suggesting this image requires all fellas needs to buy into that hipster bun look and sign “peace it out” as you take your morning beach walk, wearing nothing but a blanket. This also won’t require chanting or the clanging of symbals.

I’m putting out a challenge to all Sunshine Coasters to take part in alleviating the epidemic of anxiety, depression and spiralling mental-health with another solution!
​
It was brought to my attention by Hugh Mackay, author, Sociologist, Psychologist and Social Researcher during my interview about the astounding results from the “Compassionate Frome” project.

Frome Medical Practice, serving the 28,000 population in Frome, Somerset in the United Kingdo, have taken the innovative approach of combining a compassionate community programme of community development with routine medical care. They really did reduce emergency admissions to hospital by 30% over 3 years!

What was their secret antidote? They make standard use of the most effective intervention for improving health and longevity - social relationships!

Did you know that social connectedness has a bigger impact on health than giving up smoking, reducing excessive drinking, reducing obesity and any other preventative interventions?
Compassionate Communities UK note that “Until now, it has not been known how to use this in routine clinical practice.” They managed to reconnect people to their own supportive network and the extensive community activity that already exists. They recognise they don’t seek to take the place of social care but this is their methodology:

1.    Maximise the benefit of current supportive networks of family, friends and neighbours and the resulting care and connectedness, love and laughter, sharing companionship and values. Some of this is task related to caring and some is increasing a sense of belonging in communities.
2.    Building networks of support for the routine matters of life, shopping, cooking, cleaning, looking after the garden and pets, providing lifts.
3.    Linking to community activity, such as choir, walking groups, men’s sheds, talking cafes and other interest groups where people can make friendships and share life’s events. 
​
Together, compassionate communities help to reduce isolation and loneliness and bring a sense of belonging into what is sometimes a disconnected society. 

Whilst you might not be able to claim your cuppa at Choir practise on Medicare, it’s certainly worth a try?

In the meantime, chat to that person behind the counter at the store, at the bus stop and be bold to make connections.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your Spouse It Up Guide at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 
If you’d like to know more on the Suicide Prevention Program at the Sunshine Coast Mind and Neuroscience -Thompson Institute, visit www.thealliance.org.au.
 

Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Anxiety or the lonely, substandard relationships.
 
 Each year I notice the final few months of the year feature a significant buckling in relationships as couples try and power through in the lead up to Christmas. The intensity rises due to common struggles such as financial strain, too many social commitments and uncommunicated needs. From my experience, infidelity seems to peak, as does anxiety.
 
One thing we should all know is how many Australians are suffering from either depression or anxiety. Hopefully as Mental Health week is recognised each year, we are increasingly aware to confront the silent sufferers in the ‘grip of our mental health crisis’ as highlighted by Hugh Mackay, Sociologist, Psychologist and Social Researcher.
 
I’ve been honoured to interview Dr McKay and look forward to communicating as much wisdom on his wealth of research in the coming weeks.
 
Mackay quotes Beyond Blue in that “two million Australians are suffering from a diagnosed anxiety disorder.” He says, “The good news is that the rate of youth suicide is falling. The bad news is that our overall rate of suicide is still rising… Fortunately, not all of those attempts succeed.”
 
One encouraging glimpse of hope is the work of our very own Sunshine Coast Mind and Neuroscience -Thompson Institute. They are paving the way in ground-breaking research in suicide prevention which looks promising to turn around these statistics significantly.
 
One major theme for Hugh McKay’s work is his observation of our socially-fragmented society evident more than any previous time in our history. Why are our relationships in the community suffering?

• Our household numbers are shrinking (one household in four has one person living in it and looks to decrease to one in three.)
• 35%-40% of marriages end in divorce (a massive ripple effect on society and generations including children who transition between parents’ houses or choose to live independently earlier.)
• The decreasing birth rate (those with children know they force you to socialise through activities, friend visits, schooling or just by playing in the street.)
• We compensate with pets!
• We’re more mobile and move on average every six years.
• Busyness seems to be our badge of honour.
• The information technology boom that as McKay says, “makes us feel more connected than ever before. On the other hand, it makes it easier than ever for us to stay apart from each other and to settle for a text or a tweet, rather than a phone call, let alone a cup of coffee. We are getting used to the idea that you can communicate without human presence.”

 
There are a lot of folk I know living alone who love hogging the television remote all to themselves. Whilst they can enjoy such benefits as leaving as many dishes on the sink whenever they like, many do experience significant loneliness.
 
Loneliness is said to be in the top three social challenges facing Australia. It sounds like time for Sunshine Coasters to launch ourselves from our enviable surroundings to defy these trends.
 
We are created relationally, are social beings. When we feel loved, secure and attached to our people and surroundings, we flourish. Look beyond the real symptoms of anxiety and you’ll see the social fragmentation behind it. In my experience, loneliness and disconnection is usually the root cause of addictions too.
 
I look forward to revealing more of Hugh Mackay’s work in the coming weeks. In the meantime, do email me to let me know you’ve had a cuppa with your neighbour.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your Spouse It Up Guide at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 
If you’d like to know more on the Suicide Prevention Program at the Sunshine Coast Mind and Neuroscience -Thompson Institute, visit www.thealliance.org.au.
 

What’s the most common reason couples seek relationship counselling? You guessed it, poor communication and conflict skills.
 
Last week I raised the concept of the non-clinical condition, alexithymia, being unable to identify and express or describe your feelings. These individuals who have difficulty accessing their inner emotional word is said to feature in 10% of the population and yes, more likely, but not always men. 
 
Stereotypically, men don't seem to express their emotions as easily, as well, or as much as women do. Interestingly, the unbridled emotion is commonly found at the footy or the cricket when it’s completely acceptable to passionately scream and wave your arms around.  It is essential to note that not all blokes shall be tarnished by this same brush. I’ve also encountered many exasperated men struggling to extract the verbal complexities of their woman’s mind.
 
Unfortunately, the blokes characteristically leave the relationship stuff to the women however love and connection is more of a learned team approach. When it goes pear-shaped, the guy will just want to fix it and move on. Interestingly, there is “normative male alexithymia” which is said to be derived from socialisation that “everyone knows real men don’t cry”. Many Aussie boys are raised being emotionally undermined with the messages of stoicism throughout media that masculinity is all bravo and grunt. Talk emotions and you’re a weak sissy. Whilst I believe this is improving, it explains the alarming high male suicide rate.
 
Thankfully, I frequently encounter the effects of this social conditioning when blokes front up for marriage therapy when the relationship features loneliness, disconnection and repetitive conflict. How do we approach this?
 
As we move toward encouraging a generation of expressing instead of repressing, we also can’t label men as “feelingless gender”. Emotions are in there.
 
We collaboratively normalise the ideal that we are all built with emotions and we can all access them. Like any new task, it requires repetition, consistency, positive reinforcement then a wonderful transformation occurs. Not so say, reversing a strongly held socialisation pattern takes time. Men show up with the best intentions to be their woman’s hero, to take action and protect. When women can appreciate and display admiration for these inherent traits are men more likely to be vulnerable to sharing their inner world. Witnessing those magical moments are one of the greatest gifts for a marriage counsellor!

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily. Visit www.relationshiprejuvenator.com for your head start to reviving your relationship or contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

Death, taxes and the need to be loved are the sure things of life.
 
As Queensland prepares to recognise Mental Health week from 5 October, what a perfect time to recognise therapists all over the world impacting generations. I too, have the privilege of journeying with couples particularly with children supporting them rediscover how to effectively connect and mentor their young family with a beautiful, flourishing and cohesive connection, particularly with healthy conflict cycles.
 
One great reminder I want to share is contemplating how we sought safety, learnt, felt and expressed love in the first place. We thrive on being loved, cared for and needed. A loss of connection in a relationship often feels like a near death experience for many. Have you ever taken time out to wonder:
 
Who did you go to for comfort as a child and could you count on them?
Were they available for you at critical times?
Did these people ever betray you or let you down?
What did you learn about connection /comfort from these people?
Did you ever turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, material things for comfort?
Have there been any particular traumatic incidences in your previous relationships?
 
It makes complete sense that these experiences can shape our current relationships. They can subconsciously influence any insecurities, unrealistic expectations and explain why we find ourselves self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, sex or materialism or screen addiction. On the other hand, many people have been fortunate to enjoy a wonderful, loving and connected family of origin upon which to launch themselves to relationship success.
 
If you’re in a relationship, I wonder if there have been times when you have been able to be vulnerable and find comfort with your partner? What a gift that is.
 
It is an incredible honour when couples or individuals entrust me with their challenges, pain and dreams. Your emotional and physical well-being flourish when you enjoy dynamic, fun and connected relationships. It is never too late to begin being the best version of yourself in yours!
 
In the theme of taking time to boost your mental wellbeing, check out the www.qldmentalhealthweek.org.au website for the Instagram Take Time challenge. They’re inviting people across Queensland to share what it looks or feels like when they ‘take time’ for the things that boost their mental wellbeing.
 
Your post must be shared on Instagram using #QMHWTakeTime and can capture anything from a moment to an artwork. You might like to show how important it is to be active, keep learning, give, connect, enjoy the moment, or care for our planet. Just be creative, be yourself, and join the conversation.
 
The challenge will run in the lead up to Queensland Mental Health Week until Thursday 3 October 2019. There will be six prize draws during this time with all entrants having the chance to win!

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

​What does your memory have to do with a thriving and dynamic relationship? I’m not talking about mistakenly calling your girlfriend by your ex’s name or getting in trouble for forgetting your anniversary.
 
This is about keeping your relationship in your explicit memory versus your implicit memory. Your implicit memory knows how to ride a bike and you don’t consciously think about it. This might be where you’ve allowed your relationship to be chugging along right there in the background. You know the spokes are rotating day in day out without effort and it’s getting rusty. The squeaky whining is becoming louder and it’s seizing up. Even worse, it might be rattling out of control down a deep dark mountain toward the valley of Splitsville and you’ve got no idea how to catch it?
 
This compares to explicit memory of which matters are intentionally recalled on a daily basis. Your bike is lovingly maintained with attention to keeping those fine curves and strong frame polished and well lubricated. It is one that others admire and wish they had one like it. Even your children watch how you lovingly maintain it and they then learn how to care for their bikes too.
 
So what to do with a rusty, creaky bike? You take a good look at what it needs. You might head to the bike shop for some advice, maybe a new pump, extra tools and some free strategies from the friendly bike store person who expertly recognises the importance of maintaining your bike to save you money so you don’t have to look for a new one and eventually end up in the same position.
 
Thank goodness we have Marriage Week each year to remind us to do exactly this to our relationships? That’s it – pop it back into the forefront of your mind! How do you do that? Make it intentional and not just this week!
 
Head to my website for some free resources and use this as your kickstart to success. You too can turn around a substandard and conflicted relationship that’s hurtled out of control.
 
You’ll also find information to some of the wonderful well researched online analysis such as Prepare-Enrich which is scientifically proven to improve your dynamics and relationship skills. Couples who take this time have the potential to reduce their chances of divorce by 30%. It’s actually quite novel to to examine your dynamic, your personality style and find new constructive dialogues to set you up for success.
 
I use this tool for pre-marriage couples, post marriage one year check-ups to highly conflicted couples on the brink of entering the dreaded and expensive Splitsville. You each complete a tailored set of questions online that takes about 30 minutes and we then go through the report of which the blokes especially appreciate the charts and graphs! There’s even a simpler couple check-up version you can do yourself today.
 
Another wonderful clinician tool I use is the Gottman Relationship Check-up. It’s another level of depth of 480 questions about friendship, intimacy. You rate yourself on how well you know your spouse, how you manage emotions and conflict, share your values and goals, and what gives meaning to your lives. There’s not much it doesn’t cover about parenting, housework, finances and trust and you then learn new healthy conflict cycles others can mentor from!
 
It is never too late to begin and worth your investment in time on these tools versus the angst in investing in your lawyer! Here’s cheers to Marriage Week and alluring cycling lycra. In the meantime, if you need a date idea, sign up together for the Sunshine Coast Big Beach bike ride on 20 October.

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

​With much grunt and gusto, I’ve bravely explored the world of the hairy man type in a relationship with a fluttering eyelashes female throughout August. I’ve delved into these key topics often found in my relationship therapy and as put forward throughout this series by blokes. They’re yearning to discover why women:

• Always interpret the worst of what men are trying to say and not just assume the best one?
• Think it’s so wrong with trying to fix things when you tell us your problems?
• Need our opinion on decorating questions when we only see in primary colours? We don’t see puce or coral or that matter!

You can find these answers and more on my blog, however as today August draws to a close, it’s time for the big question many fellas want to get to the bottom of: Why don’t women desire sexual intimacy as much as we do? In the absence of a sealed section in this magazine, I’ll keep it above the waist line.

Once again, I’ll highlight it’s just not appropriate to stereotype men and women. There is a large quotient of libidinous females out there that suffer inextricably from rejection and low self-esteem as result of not being with a man who fits the mainstream oversexed male. You know the typical beef-cakes who chuckle and elbow each other at the great aussie barbecue as they whine they’re never indulged enough by their Sheila. This role does not always play out at home in the bedroom so that’s a topic for another time.

After collaborating and interviewing a few sex therapists, including the work of Laurie Watson of Psychology Today, here's what I've unveiled:

• Men’s body chemistry including that well known testosterone surging through his body results in his desire starting there. A women’s passion is more likely ignited in her mind by contented feelings of connection, adoration and positive memories.
• Men crave sex like chocolate – it’s a hunger to be fulfilled.
• The energy derived from sexual pleasure can be a tantalising reward for working, monotony and protecting his family.
• Turning on his partner is reported to be the most satisfying in their pursuit to make it a mutually pleasurable experience as many fantasise on seeking to improve on satisfying their partner.
• It’s not just “getting his rocks off” but a deep emotional connection that creates attunement and attachment. As Watson aptly states, it “spurs relational generosity, faith and optimism”. When he feels desired by his partner, it creates a sense of reassurance and commitment.

Women long for an emotional connection before physical connection and it’s worth realising they may need that first to be emotionally vulnerable and available to communicate. That is, unless they pass out snoring first.

Listen in to my interview with Sunshine Coast sex therapist, Pauline Ryeland on my "Is This Love?" podcast!

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. 

Can you imagine how fun this series is in attempting to walk in the shoes of a bloke for a month? It sure is mind boggling when you can’t see as many shades of colour, talk half as much, struggle to put feelings into words and often incredibly frustrated when your woman doesn’t seem to want to put out as much as you’d like her to.

I do hope however, you’ve benefitted from this series in realising our uniqueness. These stereotypical behaviours do not apply to everyone – you are you! Some women display more masculine behaviours than others and vice versa.

Meanwhile in the counselling room and as put forward on my social media, there certainly are some recurrent themes. Today, I contemplate, “Why do women always interpret the worst of what men are trying to say and not just assume the best one?”

“Trying to say” is the important phrase here. I can’t count the number of times brave blokes have turned up for counselling rather ill-equipped to reveal what’s really going on for them and even worse, attempt to talk about the “f” word – feelings.

I do wonder how much socialisation has created this stoicism and repression of feelings that contribute to men leaving the “relationship stuff” to the women. Men are not the “feelingless” gender – they’re in there. If many Australian blokes haven’t traditionally been encouraged to speak about matters of the heart coupled with their brain that tends to internalise, why would they expressively reveal their emotions to openly communicate the way women want and create that connection we all long for in our relationships.

We absolutely need to appreciate the differences in the emotional centre of our brains. Women have a stronger left amygdala that facilitates recall of emotional experiences in more detail. Men are stronger on the right side, providing them to focus on the big picture in a more practical and orderly way versus the emotional memories. Guys are fortunate to have a slightly smaller prefrontal cortex which allows them to get to the point a lot quicker with reason and logic. 

A woman’s amygdala is more easily activated by emotions compared to their man’s action-orientated and practical approach more alert to danger and wired for protecting. You threaten them and then they’ll exhibit more emotion! This practical, external focus explains why he always wants to fix it without the need for long talks into the night as we may go in circles with no apparent point. Simply put, his brain circuits aren’t wired to retain information in the detailed and emotional way that a woman’s is. How on earth are they then expected to communicate in the same way we do?

It’s also worth noting if based on previous experience, do:
- some women could already have labelled their man with certain traits that then filter in the worst-case scenario?
- we also incorporate “catastrophic” thinking into our relationships that then translates to lack of trust and looking for the negative in all situations?
- we attempt to mind-read in making weird and wonderful assumptions instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt?
- we allow comparison to steal the joy from hearing the positives in our man’s communication as compared to what we hear other men say to their partner? Do we assume all other men say all the right things and forget the positive traits and words he does get right in a different way?

I whole-heartedly agree that many men could share the “relationship load” in facilitating emotional attentiveness. Could same ladies, however remove any high expectations and the “shoulds”. Could we shift the blame to a more collaborative approach in enjoying your incredible differences in how we communicate and play the catch them doing it well game for a change?

Next week, the most common question: Why don’t women desire sexual intimacy as much as we do?

​Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

This week, I’m supporting blokes for when she sees “puce” and you see brown. She sees “steel slate” and you see gray. We are in the middle of Audacious August with my attempt at stepping into the boots of the great Australian male in relationship with his sheila! Feel free to peruse my blog for the recent weeks articles on the myriad of challenges faced by men as noted in relationship counselling or you’ve emailed and commented on social media.

This topic represents a metaphor for male female relationships in that we really do see through different lenses in many instances. Realising this masculine versus feminine approach could be one major step forward to your more intimate relationship.

Thanks to Jason who commented on social media about his frustration on being questioned by his woman about interior decorating colour options. He noted, “We only see in primary colours”, and he’s quite right! Men do see multiple distinct colours only and females see multiple shades. It’s hard-wired.

As you could imagine, women become quite despondent and rejected when we receive little input to our dilemma of the mango tango curtains versus the coral ones. Thanks to Dr Caroline Leaf in her book, He Said She Said, who provides greater insight around the cause of this in the biology around our vision!

“The X-chromosome provides the cone-shaped cells that handle colour. Women have two X-chromosomes and men have one, so women have more cells that allow them to see subtle changes in shades of colour. Females also have more P-cells—special cells in the retina that help the brain interpret texture and colour. These P-cells allow women to be more detail-oriented than men. Males, on the other hand, have more M-cells, other specialized cells in the retina that help the brain analyze motion, action and direction. M-cells help men see how things move and work.”

This would explain why I’ve managed to reverse into my husband’s car in our driveway let’s just say more than once in broad daylight. It also makes sense why he couldn’t care less about what shade of red he went when he found out. Surely the fact that men see better than women in bright light and women see more details in short distances in the dark has something to do with it?

​So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You can remain anonymous!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily.

Contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"