​Welcome to the “Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes” series as noticed in the counselling room. You are welcome to enjoy this also from personal experience as a married relationship therapist who is living and breathing the wondrous relationship reality!
 
This series does not include malicious behaviours such as narcissism or those that result in abuse from being under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Whilst these are massive mistakes, this series reflects those common errors that undermine great relationship dynamics. Not only have I made many of these mistakes myself, but it is helpful to be reminded that we have our “best attempts to cope” with relationship situations, and I believe we are not inherently mean!
 
To kick off this series, let’s go with a so very important topic:

Leaving it to one person to initiate Intimacy. The focus here is not just sex, but touch of any form such as cuddles, rubs, cute little slaps, tickles – any form of physical connection!
 
Stereotypes would assume that blokes will always be the one to initiate sex, however this truly isn’t the case. There are thousands of libidinous females out there who long for the touch of their partner and for all sorts of reasons aren’t able to enjoy this.
 
For either sex, when it is always left to them to physically reach out for love, it eventually results in rejection, then even symptoms of grief.
 
The beautiful dialogues that I have the privilege of hearing in the counselling room, include the sense of vulnerability, fulfillment, heightened sense of masculinity or femininity that results when there is mutual and consensual enjoyment through intimacy.
 
Unless it is otherwise arranged, why not check in with your partner on their level of fulfillment on who is kicking things off in the bedroom, the kitchen or wherever is a good place for you to enjoy contact?
 
Check out this series on my Instagram TV channel  and the Podcast!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

It is a wonderful gift to navigate an uncertain world knowing someone “has our back” despite our flaws, failings and mistakes. We fare much better when we share the load of life’s challenges with a significant other. 

Healthy intimacy was beautifully described by one of my mentors as being “naked to the soul”. It is a realisation of our inherent design to submit with vulnerability to enjoy a sense of safety and security based on trust.

This connection means we can count on and turn to our loved one for support and love. We flourish when we allow people into our emotional world and share physical and spiritual intimacy with our partner, facilitating an inexplicably beautiful and mysterious bond. This week is a comprehensive approach to this very important topic that could well improve your own mental health. 

The common snags that cause intimacy to fade are:​

Why did she go to great lengths to lie to me for so long?”
 
“How do I know my husband’s deceit  won’t hurt me again?”
 
“I just don’t trust her.”
 
“How could he  not have considered the horrific consequences?”
 
“Do leopards change their spots?”
 
…. All valid and heart wrenching questions when trust is broken.
 
Trust is an essential element of a relationship. When this is compromised, it can have a devastating ripple effect on not only the relationship, but business, finances, children and extended family.
 
Breach of trust manifests in so many different forms. Aside from infidelity, I most commonly notice it around:

• Business finances
• Hiding household expenditure
• Gambling
• Social media use
• Pornography

 
Relationships thrive on a secure foundation knowing that our partner has our back, is authentic and can be counted on.  The most satisfying aspect as a counsellor is giving hope to an injured partner that trust can be regained. We can rediscover a safe and loving bond with their partner in a second relationship (with the same person!).
 
The main goal when I’m presented with a couple like Barb and Bill who arrive on the brink of “Splitsville” following a massive breach of trust; is emotional safety.
 
Barb and Bill worked in a health and beauty business together. As an expert bookkeeper, Barb managed the finances. Like many organisations that took a “hit” during COVID, Barb started raising invoices for items that were not authentic to reallocate money and cover up financial mistakes she had made.
 
Deep down, Barb’s intentions were good. Bill worried a lot. He was already stressed about his elderly mothers' illness. One mistake lead to another and they were drowning in debt. Barb was eventually "busted" after Bill discovered some gaping holes in one of their accounts -  all was revealed.  Well, nearly all. It was difficult for Barb to talk about the extent to which she had deceived Bill and about how much. This deepened his mistrust.
 
Bill moved out and sought to end the relationship. Naturally, he felt if he couldn’t trust Barb on this topic, could he trust her at all about anything?
 
This is another example of a catastrophic loss for a guy like Bill. Barb made a few poor decisions that rapidly spiralled into her web of deceit that spun out of control.
 
Bill fell into a deep depression questioning if he could trust anyone in the world? He couldn’t trust the love of his life, his Dad had passed away, and his Mum was dreadfully ill in isolation.
 
As with many couples, I highlighted our human need that thrives on certainty and hope. The pandemic removed that for quite a long time (and continues to!). It adds pressure, resulting in desperate measures and for many, a far less, best version of ourselves.
 
This was no excuse but certainly contributed to the demise of many relationships in the recent twelve months.
 
Barb and Bill had two children. Mostly for their sake, they turned toward each other and sought to repair their relationship.
 
Over a few months in couple’s counselling:

• I coached Barb to recognise the importance of complete transparency with her time, her work and every aspect of her life in order to regain trust. (Trust is not an on/off switch. It can take years. Barb  isn’t required to remain accountable for the remainder of their relationship but imperative during this intense time of rebuilding their connection.)
• Bill learnt to overcome his hesitancy to check-in and question Barb at any time to regain safety.
• Barb learnt to share her feelings with Bill. (During our therapy, she unveiled her fear of failure, stemming from her regretful tendency to continually seek approval from her highly successful father.)
• Bill employed stress management strategies including short bursts of designated time away from the business and engaged a business coach to keep him accountable to a new healthy regime and direction for the business. He now plays squash each week with a friend and now drinks alcohol moderately only on weekends.
• Using intentional “declarative statements”  Barb reiterated she could be trusted again.  Bill commenced the process of choosing to forgive Barb.
• Barb is still trying to forgive herself.
• The children are doing well and thankful to be living with both loving parents still in the same house.

 
Thankfully, this was another couple that found safety in uniting  together again where they loved each other despite a stressful year featuring a pandemic, illness and financial stress.
 
As you approach this weekend, consider:

• Are you hiding anything from your spouse?
• If so, do you find it taxing to avoid being truthful?
• If your partner has breached your trust, have they been truly remorseful and have you forgiven them?
• Do you cope well with stress?
• Do you feel emotionally safe in your relationship that you can count on them? If not, why not?

As humans, no one is blameless. Every single one of us has fallen prey to temptation and made some ghastly mistakes we thought were a good idea at the time.

If required, gift yourself the freedom of forgiveness.
 
Despite our flaws, there are some incredible people out there. One of them might be the person you’re in a relationship with right now, so go give them a physical or virtual kiss and hug now!
 
P.S. Whilst leopards can’t change their spots, humans CAN make mistakes, CAN  achieve transformational change and CAN be forgiven.
 
Join me in my next 10-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash

​
​Are you married to “Lazy bones, “Good-for-nothing Gladys” or “Layabout Larry”?

These are just a few of the terms (I’ve omitted the worse ones) often to describe spouses in the counselling room.

On one hand, it is so great to have that friend who is so laid back, you need a spot fire to to rouse them into action.  They are just so chilled out, so mellow, it is enviable. 

On the other hand, being married to that person can be a different thing. This person could be termed as “enough oriented”. That’s right. They are living in the moment doing just enough to get by and often, less than enough. 

Compare this with your frenzied lover who is frantically hurtling themselves through every day, planning this, over-achieving that and find it abhorrent to sit down. These people could be termed “more-oriented”. They don’t just live in the moment but continually planning for the future - and beyond!

How about some in between? Perfect!

However, hard to achieve.

Because opposites attract.

When the oxytocin wears off.

Add a mortgage/s and children...

It’s incredibly annoying!

I’m talking about not only differences in personality styles here but the challenge of a different work ethic to your partner.

Consider Jill the stay-at-home Mum married to John the GP. They initially met working in a hospital when Jill was a nurse. Back then, she supplemented the household income whilst John was at med school. Fast forward, he’s highly stressed from managing two clinics, three mortgages, four older children with one left at home. Jill has taken her foot off the pedal resulting in John coming home to an unkept house and a consistent lack of clean matched socks. There is little on her agenda except the shopping and the next Netflix episode. John felt embarrassed to invite colleagues home due to the state of the house.

That’s not fair you say!

Courageously, they arrived to the counselling couch out of frustration and anger. With time and compassion, we unveiled:

• John was unable to deliver his disappointment in a kind and respectful manner.
• John’s stress resulted in angry and frustrated outbursts.
• Jill felt increasingly disrespected and continued to feel unheard and afraid and immobilised.
• Jill was most unlikely to therefore desire intimacy.
• John felt rejected and even more frustrated.
• Jill’s time home as a Mum had her feeling unskilled with little self esteem to return to the workforce.
• Jill’s family background meant she had a different work-ethic to John. They valued a less stressful life that meant less income but more time to spend with each other.

You’ll be relieved to know, Jill and John successfully regained connection and intimacy following six sessions discussing  their feelings,  concerns and practical exercises at home.

Together we found a healthy approach to sharing a united approach moving forward where they embraced their “enough versus more orientation”.

They came to respect their respective upbringings that contributed to their approaches and ultimately found their differences novel and complementary like they had initially appreciated about each other.

Jill commenced volunteer work that led to employment in working with the disabled. Together they refinanced, sold some assets and are now an enviable loved-up couple their children are mentoring from. They are impacting generations and showing them how to do it!

Whilst you don’t need to accomplish every task the same, you aren’t expected to work for the other! You will have challenging seasons where one carries a heavier load through sickness and adversity but overall this should be a united, supportive and equal partnership.

This weekend, consider if you have a varied work-ethic and why? Are you able to communicate any frustrations with kindness and respect. Maybe you need to check if your partner believes you contribute with equality.

"Relationship torment is epic when you and your partner have a vastly different work ethic."

Join me in my next 7-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space!
 
In the meantime, you can jump onto my “Communicate For Love” mini-course NOW that teaches this process indepth from the comfort of your own home. No trips to the Counselling room, no parking – just you at your own pace, navigating a new healthy approach to conflict!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
 

Feelings of embarrassment, alienation and demeaned are most commonly described in a client story when they find their partner makes decisions or plans without their knowledge.
​
These topics seem most frequently around:

• Taking other’s advice for financial decisions and not being included. For example, investment properties, bitcoin or covertly extending the home loan.
• Making arrangements for special celebrations for others without checking  times and commitments first.
• Relying too much on the opinions of others around discipline and choices for children.
• Changes in career progression/choices that impact the spouse but they’re still not consulted first.

Why does this happen?

• Transitioning from “I” to “We” at the start of a relationship can be tricky. You previously may have relied on friends and family for advice but now should defer to your spouse first. You get to create your own value system in this beautiful  “circle of safety” and each bring the best part of your family cultures. You do however get to decide which behaviours or habits you’d like to leave behind!
• Some family can be controlling without you noticing it.
• You may be seeking approval from your friends and family so default to following their advice.

​Having a healthy sense of independence is an important aspect of a thriving relationship however collaboration comes first! Respect and honour your parents, friends and family, however healthy boundaries to protect your relationship are paramount.

What does a “united front” mean for intimate relationships? Stan Tatkin of PACT Therapy calls it your “couple bubble”:

• Have you agreed on who you will allow to confer with for big decisions and under what circumstances?
• Whose opinions outside your “bubble” do you each respect?
• What main topics do you each wish to be consulted on? For example, time on weekends, expenditures over $500 or what consequences for your children’s poor behaviour?

Anticipating these tricky topics is smart when it comes to creating a healthy alliance with your partner. Otherwise, you run the risk of being shocked every time you make separate choices and add another fracture to your relationship.

"A united loving relationship is to have our partner's back over our own family and friends when needed.” 

Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!  Watch this space for the upcoming inaugural Relationship Reset Challenge.  
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Waitlist for the next intake of her  Relationship Rejuvenator Online Mini-Courses at  www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​

Photo by mona Masoumi on Unsplash

​​Ever been at a party where you’ve felt rather squirmish and uncomfortable because someone has been putting down their partner in front of everyone? Have you wondered if you should look at the ceiling, dive to the bathroom or start clearing dirty dishes from the table? Maybe you felt the need to defend either of them?
 
I’m wondering if this has ever happened to you? Found yourself in the habit of mentioning a few of your spouse’s unsavoury nuances whilst in the company of others? Yes, those comments about gasses, tardiness or phone use?
 
It sure is a ghastly common snag for couples which results in humiliation and distress.

  
Vanessa and Brad arrived for marriage counselling with exactly this issue. They were another gorgeous couple (I seem to get all the glamourous clients!) married for seven years with two beautiful girls under five years old. They were both successful people in their careers and somewhat envied by their friends as the “It couple”. Vanessa was exuberant, extroverted and bubbly. Brad was more the quiet, introverted but handsome type. (Often the case where individuals are attracted to those who complement aspects of themselves that they lack!) For many years, they did bring out the best in each other, until…
 
Vanessa started to become frequently tearful following the children’s birthday parties and family gatherings. She noticed Brad would make snide remarks in front of their close friends and family. He dropped criticisms about “Always being on her phone…”, “She talks too much…” and “Never around as she’s out drinking with her girlfriends…”  Sometimes these comments were in Vanessa’s earshot. As you can imagine, she was devastated, hurt and embarrassed.
 
Why does a nice guy like Brad do this? Why didn’t he mention these things at home?
 
In my counselling experience, two main reasons:

1. Personality style: Many people are so laid back, it would take a pandemic for them to be perturbed about the upcoming plans, who does what and when. These people will go with the flow. They are super content to allow their more outgoing partner to make all the social arrangements. That is until they do realise sometimes they have preferences, feel ignored and dismissed. When they’re frustrated with their partner’s habits, they don’t speak up.  They are so used to being amiable, they feel ill-equipped to communicate their preferences resulting in their needs consistently unmet.
2. Lack of assertive communication: as a result of their partner’s response or those of their caregivers as a child. Many spouses give up asking for what they need as their partner reacts with either defensiveness, attacking or apathy. They may experience yelling and anger or silence and passive aggression.

 
Here’s an important reminder!  Every single person in a relationship needs to be able to assertively deliver communication in a non-blaming way and for it to be received that way. You need to feel heard!
 
What happened to Vanessa and Brad? We tracked their communication and conflict style. As it turns out, Vanessa would criticize Brad in response to his feedback which was delivered in a somewhat abrupt and harsh manner. He would usually erupt as had been ruminating over his thoughts for way too long. Vanessa would drag up a time when he was on his phone or when he disappointed her with clear examples to support her case.  They had become embroiled in a conflict dance where no one was heard, no one won, then chose not to say anything at all about their concerns with each other.
 
As a result, Brad’s concerns didn’t disappear, so they “leaked out” when out with other people as he sought understanding and empathy from his troubled, lonely and disconnected existence.  
 
The first step for Vanessa and Brad was revealing their conflict dance so I could coach them patiently into a new style. They sure were relieved to find some new steps to tango! It took a lot of repetition to break out of the old cycle – but they did it!
 
In summary, it is NOT okay to complain about your partner or put them down in front of others. This is your red flag to ask yourselves:

• Can I deliver feedback in a non-blaming way?
• Do I put my partner down in front of others?
• Have I noticed this happening to me?
• Can I communicate these concerns in a respectful way to my spouse?

 
Your task this weekend is to give up the game of “Find the bad guy”. Edify your partner in front of others. Contemplate something they’ve achieved or consistently do well and tell the world. Don’t’ forget to tell them too!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!    
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Waitlist for the next intake of her  Relationship Rejuvenator Online Mini-Courses at  www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​

Conscience-stricken? Ashamed of your flaws? Do you go to gigantic lengths to hide decisions you’re guilt-ridden of from your partner? Have you made financial mistakes you have avoided sharing with your spouse, friends or family at all costs?
 
Did you know that one major feature of lonely relationships is the inability to share your faults and your fears?
 
We all arrive into our relationships flawed!  Our past experiences shape us. Our own choices that we thought were a good idea at the time also make up you today. Even our unique appearance is a gift!
 
The best we all can do is continually work on being the best versions of ourselves today. However, despite these great efforts – we are still flawed humans.
 
As you navigate life together with your partner, all the challenges of life such as career disappointments, traumatic events and the horrible cutting things that people say - stick!  How about self-criticism of your looks, the ruminations of your failed attempts and your “I can’t…” self-talk as a result.

If we don't summons discipline for a controlled thought life through focussing on our miraculous unique design and nurturing ourselves with healthy self-talk we fall captive to past hurts.
 
You can create new neural pathways toward appreciating your goodness despite your unique flaws.  Your partner chose you and your package of fears, lacks and weird nuances. Many couples present to counselling so scared to reveal to each other what they're greatest fear is, concerns over something in the future and even what is bothering them today.
 
They become lonely.
 
Why is this? The reason is, is that we often are ashamed of our choices, scared of the response and of the big one:
 
Rejection.
 
However, the greatest gift of an intimate partnership is enjoying each other for everything that you are, despite your imperfections.
 
Men stereotypically will avoid revealing poor financial choices. Women will hide money to pay for cosmetic enhancements and beauty products.  Did you know omitting information counts as deceitful?
 
I encourage you this weekend to dig deep and be honest with yourself and your partner.
 
Are you hiding anything?
 
Are you incredibly worried about something you feel embarrassed to share?
 
Can you take the risk to share a fear you’ve been hiding for sometime?

Why not encourage your partner to avoid responding at first. Let them know how difficult it is to summons the bravery to share with openness. Request they ask genuine questions about your topic of concern.
 
When you can fully embrace life together, you can be a truly united force – far better than what you’d achieve doing life alone.
 
Enjoy the freedom from relieving the burden of carrying life’s loads and your anxieties all by yourself. You were designed relationally to lean on each other, particularly your partner. They will likely love you more for your honesty and vulnerability.
 
Be surprised how good it feels to unleash the real you within!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​

My partner won’t cuddle me, my husband won’t pick up his clothes off the floor, my wife won’t…. I sure don’t have a shortage of content on my counselling client’s spousal shortfalls.
 
Freida would arrive each fortnight for her relationship counselling session with her husband, Fred. She would relentlessly complain how much she longed for him to welcome her home with a warm embrace. Freida would appreciate ANY gentle caress; her hair, the brush of her arm, a quick squeeze and especially cosy snuggles on the couch after dinner in the evening. 

Whilst Fred heard, he seemed to fall short of following through with these requests.
 
Eventually, Freida gave up on seeking affection in the way she truly longed for it.
 
As it turns out, Fred was super uncomfortable with public displays of affection or any of that style of closeness. He never experienced this at home as a child. Nonetheless, his family were loving and supportive. His Dad attended all his sporting events, enthusiastically yelling tips from the sidelines, encourage and applaud his academic achievements and drive all over the state for his competitions. Fred’s Mum would cook up a storm for all his mates, be a kind listening ear etc. but, they were not the touchy-feely type of folk.
 
Understandably, the whole caressing, hugs and holding hands thing outside the bedroom was a foreign and weird concept for Fred – he just didn’t get the importance. Fred would rather get busy supporting Freida with running errands, around the yard and helping with their children’s gymnastics and soccer games.
 
As you do when you’re repeatedly not getting what you want, Freida gave up asking! Freida and Fred continued to coast along however became despondent. They arrived in my counselling room hoping to avoid spiralling into deeper despair, disconnection and resentment.
 
Throughout our time together, Fred dared to reveal he missed Freida telling him what a great Dad he is. He used to love her sweet messages left on the kitchen bench encouraging him for his next presentation at work. It was obvious they were attempting to show love in all the wrong ways – their own way. Not each other’s!
 
Furthermore, throughout their fifteen year marriage, they had diverted to an imbalanced focus on work, the children and their individual pursuits - their intimate relationship was the last priority left to run itself.
 
Three common things were undoing Freida and Fred:

• Familiarity that bred negativity bias
• Apathy
• Showing their own methods of love and not each other’s

 
In time, they achieved a fantastic and intimate connection for them resulting in:
- understanding how important it was for Freida to enjoy regular cuddles
- Fred being courageous to outline exactly what words of encouragement he appreciated and how
- weekly "Alignment" catch-ups on their deck over a cuppa where they highlighted what was going well in their relationship, areas of concern and discuss plans for the coming weeks'
 
 Do you need to:
- ask for what you need that makes you feel truly loved?
- consider if you are giving what your spouse needs and not just what you think they like?
- check in your levels of familiarity that breeds apathy in meeting each other's needs?

Love is… when your spouse selflessly expresses affection how you long for it and not what they want.
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​

It saddens me every time when uniquely fabulous individuals arrive in the counselling room with their partner, describing their pain, isolation and loneliness as a result of being ill-equipped to approach their differences in a respectful, kind and healthy manner. They present zapped of energy, depressed, anxious, even traumatized. After years of this as their “norm”, they arrive at the end of their tether.


​In the last decade, I’m fairly sure I’ve seen every type of conflict dance on the circuit. From where I sit, I recognise kind-hearted, gifted and beautiful people using their very best attempts to cope with differences with their partner.  They try all different manoeuvres to make it better and feel safe again but they fall flat.
 
If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, here’s what you need to know:

Conflict is normal. You haven’t partnered with your clone so you’re allowed to have varied preferences!  It is concerning when couples don’t ever disagree as they are possibly “glossing over” the important issues. Even worse, “shoving them under the carpet” results in a very large mound that will result in a catastrophic trip down the track.

When you live with someone, you’ll usually need to provide each other feedback about the dishcloth, shower screen or lawns at some time. You will be unintentionally hurt by your spouse and need to let them know.

1. Every time you conflict, you do not need to agree at the end! Mind-blowing I know. The outcome you require is empathy and a deeper understanding of the topic. You will each navigate life adjusted moving forward respectfully and kindly as a result! Each disagreement should eventually build your deeper and intimate connection.
2. Wonder who did you learn your conflict style from? Parents or caregivers we spent most of our time observing as a child are our relationship teachers. Did your Dad attack and get loud? Did your Mum withdraw and go quiet? Did they both scream at each other, then become cold and aloof? Consider if you are copying any of the approaches used in the house in which you were raised?
3. Have you ever considered that we are frequently misunderstanding each other a lot of the time? Our memories are incredibly unreliable particularly when our raw emotions are triggered, and reality is skewed. It is difficult to access your “smart brain”, the pre-frontal cortex when your emotional brain is flooded with overwhelm. You will find yourself “joining the dots” haphazardly on what you think occurred and what you think their intention was.

 
With this in mind, when a high conflict couple like Sam* and Max* arrived at my Counselling room, I discussed their family history and who taught them how to do conflict? We noted that Sam* was repeating the legacy of her past in drinking too heavily to cope with stress at work, resulting in a quick temper and aggression when conflict arose. Max* would immediately shut down and avoid Sam* making her even madder. Max* became fearful, had trouble putting his thoughts into words and *Sam relentlessly tried to get her point across in all the wrong ways. The cycle continued from there.
 
My role is to make it extremely obvious what “conflict dance” the couple is using  so they can step out of it into a new style with time, persistence and coaching!
 
Amongst many things, Sam* and Max* were required to:

•  become aware of their physical responses to being emotionally triggered  
• realise their greatest fears and emotions that were fuelling their conflict
• highlighted exactly what type of dance they employed
• become adept at applying self-regulation strategies for a calmer approach.

 
We discussed hurts from the past including before their relationship and afterwards. Together they journeyed toward a respectful and kind approach to conflict with confidence!
 
You can too!
 
Join me in my next 7-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space!
 
In the meantime, you can jump onto my “Communicate For Love” mini-course NOW that teaches this process indepth from the comfort of your own home. No trips to the Counselling room, no parking – just you at your own pace, navigating a new healthy approach to conflict!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
 

When Jan* and Phil* arrived into my counselling room presenting an incredibly sad, lonely and disconnected relationship, they outlined how they had not spoken about anything indepth for years.

Regrettably, their dialogue was purely perfunctory including where the children needed to be at what time and what was for dinner. They had lost the ability to communicate – it was woeful. Their relationship featured built-up resentment over the years from unresolved issues from an unhelpful approach to conflict.
 
One of the main challenges I noticed that fuelled this disastrous state of their marriage was they never discussed united goals or dreams at the state of their relationship. They coasted along and never really aligned themselves.

There is no emotional safety when you do not have united goals or dreams.
 
Two major elements of alignment is:  

1. Attentive listening in conversations where you can enjoy a safe space to share what you long for, your desires, concerns and fears.  You want to avoid “flying blind” instead of copping the unexpected “angry birds” as they whack you in the face out of nowhere! 
​

2. Consider your expectations for this week or next month? What specific challenges are you facing? What are you looking forward to? Is it extended family commitments, a noisy neighbour or a child being bullied at school? You might just be feeling emotional and don’t know why? Your partner is the first person you should talk to about all this! 

It is super exciting when you can become that united force to overcome and  achieve more than you ever have than if you were alone. This was my goal for Jan and Phil!
 
Once we had “how to align on a regular basis” covered, we discussed the greater goal timeframes for the coming year and what they wanted their relationship to look like?
 
They wanted to be that united and connected couple that others admired. Excellent start!
We broke it up into specific timeframes of one, two, five years and ten years:

• Individual
• couple
• family goals.  

Jan sought more for bushwalking alone to gain meditative peaceful time away from the hustle and bustle! Phil wanted the freedom to catch up with mates for a drink even now and then!

They integrated new couple goals that included new financial budgets and holiday destinations! Their family goals involved more bike rides together and less events with extended family who were taking up too much of their precious couple time.

We covered their aspirations for funds to open their own business in five years that would support private schooling fees and a house extension.  

Even I got excited for them. They had a plan from which we could envision from which we could focus on how they respectfully dealt with conflict.

Here are some helpful hints for couple goal setting:
 
Be respectful and open in your discussions with each other. There’s no point in tip-toeing around topics when you’re discussing your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

• Set actionable goals. Aim at that target, break down your tactics with time frames so they’re  easier to track and conquer.
• Hand write them. It helps your brain take a test drive of your ideas as you put pen to paper.
• Make your goals visible to encourage you both to hit targets and be accountable to your decisions. Great motivation!
• Encourage each other! Mutual congratulations and support will create a much stronger bond between you. Don’t let your partner’s successes be met with apathy. Let them know you acknowledge their achievements and understand how hard they worked for it.
• Repetition AND Consistency for at least 30 days for life changing habits. Paramount.
• Respect boundaries. Goal setting time can be a great opportunity to work on establishing and respecting your personal boundaries. Small changes can have big, positive consequences, so be attentive and sympathetic with your partner during this process.

 
Avoid getting stuck in the discomfort of your old substandard disconnection that has you co-existing as flatmates.
 
You are designed to enjoy thriving in dynamic relationships achieving more than you would alone. Enjoy your goal setting conversation this weekend that propels you to success for the remainder of the year!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com