​How do you picture yourself in your relationship?

The Incredible Hulk, Catwoman, The Grinch or Mr Magoo blindly fumbling your way through the darkness?

​Clients in troubled relationships frequently tell me that they find themselves as a former shadow of their exuberant super self. They have trouble focusing at work, feel depressed and only have a vague memory of being confident and fun-loving.
 
But, they used to be so happy.
 
What happened?
 
Naturally, they want to blame their partners.
 
Here are just a few of the reasons why you might not be feeling like the best version of yourself in your relationship:

• Are you enjoying a healthy sense of independence and interdependence? Do you each enjoy your own hobbies or are you enmeshed, feeling like you can't go out and enjoy time alone or even want to? It is awesome to experience  new adventures or even couch surf together, however it is healthy to catch-up with your own buddies sometimes. I hear some partners feel a little controlled when they can't get out for “me time”, or even ask for it. Mother’s at home with small children can particularly struggle with this.
• Does your partner compliment and edify you? It is even more fulfilling  in front of others. When our brain becomes lazy, we get to a point of familiarity where it is easier to criticize, take your spouse for granted instead of noticing their attributes and achievements with wonder, enquiry and gratitude. Can you consider what your partner does well but is rarely appreciated? It is  particularly important to value their implicit features; who they are, not just  how they look or how much money they earn. 

• ​Are your relationship needs being met? Everyone appreciates different ways of experiencing love. Do you need more physical touch, more kind words about how dang sexy you are, more time alone or more family time?  Be courageous and ask for it in a non-blaming way

If you are experiencing persistent depressive or anxious symptoms for no apparent reason.  Today is the day to draw a line in the sand and seek out support to adopt healthy thoughts about yourself to yourself. One cause is unhelpful habits of toxic self-talk formulated from bad life experiences that bog you down.
 
You and your partner should both contribute to your relationship with a healthy sense of self founded in the knowledge of what you deserve in your relationship. Even Shrek and Fiona worked this out and lived happily ever after!

Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

​Aside from the irritating parts of a relationship that include picking up someone else’s putrid socks, blocking out roaring snoring noises and having to share the TV remote… etc one great aspect of a relationship is the safety of your cosy bubble of love.
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… And I’m not getting all OTT airy fairy romantic here.
 
It’s a thing!
 
Your “couple bubble” (as termed by relationship guru, Stan Tatkin) should be an on-going cocoon of emotional security where you can confide and trust in your partner.
 
It is your private circle of safety that facilitates you braving the world together as a united front. This is where you and your honey bunny pumpkin nugget can metaphorically enjoy a secure nest from which you can each launch yourselves independently to success and return for support and comfort.
 
It is an intimate aspect of  your relationship that you can count on. It will evolve over time but is collaborative, and you enjoy a shared vision to engage with the world. You are each other’s number one fan and stand up for each other.
 
Friends and family know that you make decisions as a unit. You check in with each other on the big and sometimes small plans. Those outside your “couple bubble” treat you like you are one team. You also enjoy a sense of independence to pursue friendships and varied interests. It is a beautiful thing!
 
Sadly, distress is found, and trust is lost when you discover that you can't confide in your partner.
 

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​For example, Bruce* and Gina* featured a lack of safety in their marriage.  Gina confided secretly to her Mum and her sister for the slightest kerfuffles experienced in her relationship with Bruce.
 
When the family celebrated together for a birthday, Bruce felt embarrassed and on the outer. He was confused and ashamed about what Gina may or may not be revealing to her family members. Whilst he understood sometimes there’s a need to speak to wise mentors for comfort and advice, he wasn’t entirely comfortable with the unknown dialogue.
 
This might be quite okay for another couple who prefer more transparency with the outside world. There are no hard and fast rules here.
 
What all couples thrive on, is an agreement about boundaries to keep your relationship safe and trusting. That is, with whom, what, how and when you share?
 
I worked with Gina and Bruce to discover what they were comfortable with discussing with whom in the future. They decided Gina would let Bruce know when she felt she needed additional support and would omit the very intimate aspects of their marriage such as their sex life. Gina encouraged Bruce to talk more with his best mate, Dicko when he was overwhelmed.  I coached them on communicating their hurts without blame and explored the importance of forgiveness in order to regain trust.
 
Why not chat ask your partner about concerns for any times when they’ve felt your “bubble” was compromised?
 
Have you?
 
Let each other know what that feels like and what agreement you can put in place.
 
What, how, why and when are you each comfortable discussing aspects outside your “couple bubble”?
 
The only thing then popping is your popcorn as you sit back and enjoy your couch time wrangling for the remote!
  
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

Did you want me to grab some milk on the way home?
Did you see that video  about the royal dramas?
How’s your sister?
When was Johnny’s maths test again?
What’s for dinner?
Did you want me to collect Freida after school today and take her to netball?
The Johnsons asked to catch up on Sunday at 4pm – does that suit?
When are you mowing the lawn?
B.O.R.I.N.G!
 
These questions are part of a normal, balanced and essential part of life that includes earning money to live and often caring for others. However, if it’s ONLY that – it is snorathon boring! Dissatisfaction, resentment and disconnection usually ensue.
 
Aside from the main issues of conflict and communication, you can imagine this is a common complaint in the counselling room. “Our relationship is dull!”
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When Jan and Phil arrive on my couch, disgruntled, discontent and disconnected, I’ll ask about their lifestyles and current “best attempts to cope” with their lack lustre situation. Whilst consistency is healthy on many levels, they usually detail drab habits and routines that feature dull conversations about where the kids need to be, what's happening on TV, and what is for dinner before retreating to their screens. They're also over-scheduled and lack quality time. They're stuck!
 
What goes wrong?
 
They lost inquiry and wonder. They snagged their partner then became complacent and lost that beautiful, genuine inquisitiveness… and loneliness set in.
 
What do you do when your relationship has become boring?
 
I’m averse to the notion that relationships require a lot of hard work. This is not the case when we enjoy continual enquiry and wonder about our partner. I bet there is plenty you don’t know about them and how to make them excitable? I’m not suggesting you check in on their hopes and dreams for 10 years time on a daily basis, but a genuine continual  curiosity to the amazement you chose to pair up with is a good start.
 
It is never too late to begin so here are my top three ideas to bring back the excitement from a boring relationship.

1. Wonder and enquiry means asking deeper questions. Be attentive to the answers and enquire even further. Pluck some curated questions from a jar around the dinner table, google them or buy my fabulous box of Questions to Know You cards that feature five categories to surprise, delight and entertain each other.  
Here are a few:

• Have you ever had a secret admirer?
• Do I have a favourite poem?
• Do I enjoy amusement parks?
• Who is my hero?
• If you sent an email to your younger self, what would it say?
• If we owned a luxury yacht, what would we name it?
• Ever been in a food fight?

2. Create new adventures and shared experiences. Plan ahead. I don’t know how many couples reveal they can’t remember the last time they did something NEW! A new fun activity requires thought, research and carving out time. Consider things that you haven't done before. What about activities you used to enjoy? Get out of the habit of the same ol same ol and do new things. When we enjoy shared experiences and take risks as a couple or as a family, they're memorable! The things we can’t see will bring more fulfilment than materialistic showy toys!  Brainstorm some new ideas in the coming weeks that you could do a little bit differently or indulge in fresh newness you've never tried before.

3. Introduce spontaneous surprise in your relationship. What is a random surprise gift of fun act you could present to your partner this weekend? How will you make them laugh today? Can you shock them (in a good way!)?  What is something they’ve always wanted to try, see or feel? Can you ask for something wild and unusual to bring back some zest?  
Don’t get caught up in lazy habits that result in “flat-mate syndrome” and seize back the enquiry and wonder with intentional adventures and spontonaiety in your relationship!
 
I wonder what you’ll come up with?
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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Remember when you and your partner spent hours talking into the wee hours with adoring eye contact? 
 
You started out strong!  


Fast forward>>> a few years later and you become passing ships in the night. Add children in between those ships and those noisy, demanding little foghorns become the priority as you navigate parenthood and the rest of life’s big dippers.
 
We can forget that our partner is there bobbing alongside us and might need meaningful support at times. So do you! This can foster loneliness and resentment. We miss the friendship, partnership and the gift of connection we used to enjoy.
 
Let me help you with a few ideas for meaningful support that you should be able to assertively ask for, or provide for your partner!
 
The FIRST big tip is to use “F” words! 
 
Yes, that’s right... “feeling” words. For example, “I would feel happier or ecstatic if….” , “I would feel so loved when…..”  
 
An integral aspect of my relationship therapy is coaching couples to deliver feedback in a non-blaming way so it can be received that way. In our miraculous humanness, we naturally default to, “You never….”, “You always…”, “You don’t……” 
 
In your pursuit for that thriving, connected and flourishing relationship, consider your delivery when seeking meaningful support this weekend!
 
Types of emotional support you could ask for or provide are:

• Appreciation: “Thank you for taking care of…”
• Celebration: “You rocked that…”

• Reassurance: “I’m here for you.”
• Empathy: “That must’ve been tough when...”
• Physical Affection: Hug, cuddle, bott bott slap?
• Encouragement: “You’ve got this, and I know you can…”
• Comfort and distraction: “This is super tough, why don’t I get you….”
• Helpful feedback: “I like the way you… and could also try…”
• Sharing responsibilities around the home and parenting. Swap a few roles so you share the loathsome tasks!
• Brainstorming and idea generation: “Let’s think of 50 other ways we can…”
• Problem solving: “We could try… or… instead?”
• Planning for the future: “Where do you want to be in two years’ time?”
• Research: “Can I look that up for you?”

 
Your emotional safety thrives on knowing you can count on each other in ways you need it the most. Cut your partner a break and don’t assume they already know how. Gift each other some specific ideas in the way you will hear each other the most and cruise on in the same direction!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com