Each year I notice the final few months of the year feature a significant buckling in relationships as couples try and power through in the lead up to Christmas. The intensity rises due to common struggles such as financial strain, too many social commitments and uncommunicated needs. From my experience, infidelity seems to peak, as does anxiety.
 
One thing we should all know is how many Australians are suffering from either depression or anxiety. Hopefully as Mental Health week is recognised each year, we are increasingly aware to confront the silent sufferers in the ‘grip of our mental health crisis’ as highlighted by Hugh Mackay, Sociologist, Psychologist and Social Researcher.
 
I’ve been honoured to interview Dr Mackay and look forward to communicating as much wisdom on his wealth of research in the coming weeks.
 
Mackay quotes Beyond Blue in that “two million Australians are suffering from a diagnosed anxiety disorder.” He says, “The good news is that the rate of youth suicide is falling. The bad news is that our overall rate of suicide is still rising… Fortunately, not all of those attempts succeed.”
 
One encouraging glimpse of hope is the work of our very own Sunshine Coast Mind and Neuroscience -Thompson Institute. They are paving the way in ground-breaking research in suicide prevention which looks promising to turn around these statistics significantly.
 
One major theme for Hugh Mackay's work is his observation of our socially-fragmented society evident more than any previous time in our history. Why are our relationships in the community suffering?

• Our household numbers are shrinking (one household in four has one person living in it and looks to decrease to one in three.)
• 35%-40% of marriages end in divorce (a massive ripple effect on society and generations including children who transition between parents’ houses or choose to live independently earlier.)
• The decreasing birth rate (those with children know they force you to socialise through activities, friend visits, schooling or just by playing in the street.)
• We compensate with pets!
• We’re more mobile and move on average every six years.
• Busyness seems to be our badge of honour.
• The information technology boom that as McKay says, “makes us feel more connected than ever before. On the other hand, it makes it easier than ever for us to stay apart from each other and to settle for a text or a tweet, rather than a phone call, let alone a cup of coffee. We are getting used to the idea that you can communicate without human presence.”

 
There are a lot of folk I know living alone who love hogging the television remote all to themselves. Whilst they can enjoy such benefits as leaving as many dishes on the sink whenever they like, many do experience significant loneliness.
 
Loneliness is said to be in the top three social challenges facing Australia. It sounds like time for Sunshine Coasters to launch ourselves from our enviable surroundings to defy these trends.
 
We are created relationally, are social beings. When we feel loved, secure and attached to our people and surroundings, we flourish. Look beyond the real symptoms of anxiety and you’ll see the social fragmentation behind it. In my experience, loneliness and disconnection is usually the root cause of addictions too.
 
I look forward to revealing more of Hugh Mackay’s work in the coming weeks. In the meantime, do email me to let me know you’ve had a cuppa with your neighbour.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily. Visit www.relationshiprejuvenator.com for your head start to reviving your relationship and listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

If you’d like to know more on the Suicide Prevention Program at the Sunshine Coast Mind and Neuroscience -Thompson Institute, visit www.thealliance.org.au and for urgent assistance, contact Lifeline on 131144.
 

What’s the most common reason couples seek relationship counselling? You guessed it, poor communication and conflict skills.
 
Last week I raised the concept of the non-clinical condition, alexithymia, being unable to identify and express or describe your feelings. These individuals who have difficulty accessing their inner emotional word is said to feature in 10% of the population and yes, more likely, but not always men. 
 
Stereotypically, men don't seem to express their emotions as easily, as well, or as much as women do. Interestingly, the unbridled emotion is commonly found at the footy or the cricket when it’s completely acceptable to passionately scream and wave your arms around.  It is essential to note that not all blokes shall be tarnished by this same brush. I’ve also encountered many exasperated men struggling to extract the verbal complexities of their woman’s mind.
 
Unfortunately, the blokes characteristically leave the relationship stuff to the women however love and connection is more of a learned team approach. When it goes pear-shaped, the guy will just want to fix it and move on. Interestingly, there is “normative male alexithymia” which is said to be derived from socialisation that “everyone knows real men don’t cry”. Many Aussie boys are raised being emotionally undermined with the messages of stoicism throughout media that masculinity is all bravo and grunt. Talk emotions and you’re a weak sissy. Whilst I believe this is improving, it explains the alarming high male suicide rate.
 
Thankfully, I frequently encounter the effects of this social conditioning when blokes front up for marriage therapy when the relationship features loneliness, disconnection and repetitive conflict. How do we approach this?
 
As we move toward encouraging a generation of expressing instead of repressing, we also can’t label men as “feelingless gender”. Emotions are in there.
 
We collaboratively normalise the ideal that we are all built with emotions and we can all access them. Like any new task, it requires repetition, consistency, positive reinforcement then a wonderful transformation occurs. Not so say, reversing a strongly held socialisation pattern takes time. Men show up with the best intentions to be their woman’s hero, to take action and protect. When women can appreciate and display admiration for these inherent traits are men more likely to be vulnerable to sharing their inner world. Witnessing those magical moments are one of the greatest gifts for a marriage counsellor!

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator, guest speaker and weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily. Visit www.relationshiprejuvenator.com for your head start to reviving your relationship or contact Jo at www.theconfidantecounselling.com. Listen in to her podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"