Out of all the rooms in the house, where do you spend most of your time? From your wardrobe, which items get the most wear? Of all the apps on your phone how many do you use the most? How many of your customers account for most of the profit? 80% of results will come from 20% of the action! From where I sit, the 80/20 rule reigns even in the Counselling room! 20% of relationship issues account for 80% of the angst. As a relationship specialist, I have the honour of journeying with individuals and couples at their most major and toughest junctures in their life. I have noticed it is the same few difficulties that have them ill-equipped to enjoy the dynamic and flourishing relationship they deserve. Many clients consistently report their relationship is 80% amazing except for the hefty weight of 20% of the bad times that have them often defeatedly slumped in my office. What is the root cause of the 20%?
What comprises the 20%? The 3 Corrosive C’s:
Have hope that the” 3 Corrosive C”s” can be overcome and do not need to dominate a large percentage of your relationship. Why not take a step back and look at your thoughts about yourself to yourself, how you communicate with your partner and if you approach your differences in a healthy manner? I have all the tools you’ll ever need in Renovate Your Relationship which focusses on these three major inhibitors to avoid fast-tracking to expensive ‘Splitsville’. Through being consciously aware where your relationship habits came from, know you can renovate your relationship to happily ever after! Content featured in The Courier Mail, Daily Telegraph and The Advertiser 2020. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist and podcaster inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 4 things I’ve learnt from being a marriage counsellor during the pandemic...
Since embarking on my career as a marriage therapist, I unceasingly feel incredibly honoured to journey with individuals and couples during their most challenging junctures of their lives. Add a pandemic and the experience sure has been heart wrenching and inspiring all at the same time. As we continue to experience the symptoms from uncertainty and change, here are four things I’ve learnt as a marriage counsellor during 2020:
I recommend that couples learn from the wise, ask advice from those flourishing couples they respect. You don’t have to follow what can be acceptable patterns of family history that may feature unhealthy relationship habits and divorce. Don’t allow your responses to the adversities of 2020 sever your relationships. Ensure you have the courage to adopt a “help-seeking” mentality when you can’t move forward and find a trusted therapist for an unbiased perspective with someone who can impart well researched tools. Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools You’ll Ever Need For Your Most Important Project. Download FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com/resources I want to hold your hand, Every time we touch, Touch me. There are so many lyrics in history about the importance of touch. Physical touch communicates positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. Consider the elderly, incarcerated, people choosing to be isolated or those unwell without the language of touch. From a passing brush on the arm that breath-taking and memorably featured during those early days of courting to the affirming 'I’m here for you' meaning 30 years down the track. We thrive on touch. The way we are touched can have a lifelong impact - good and bad. I’ve enjoyed a great debate over a wine on the value of being able to read and touch. Many enjoy the full sensory experience of the paper as they thoughtfully turn over and rustle the pages. Do you relish the faint inky waft of a brand new paperback or the rich, full musty aroma of a much loved old book? Do you consciously notice the smell of your newspaper during your comforting ritual perusing the Sunshine Coast Daily with a cuppa settled back in your favourite spot to soak up the latest lifestyle inspirations, who got “touched up” at the footy, view the weather map and find out what’s on? 'I am also touched' when after three years of writing this column, I’ve been surprised and delighted for the feedback on the impact of my passion for inspiring dynamic and thriving relationships for the well-being of the community. I love your emails prompting much content on what Sunshine Coast Daily readers are challenged by in your relationships. I recently wrote about our human tendency to resist change, often stuck in the “comfort of our discomfort” and rely on the safety of repetition and consistency. As Sunshine Coast locals embrace the transition from print to digital format of their newspaper this week, join me in remembering the benefits of technology that we often loathe, can’t live without and are indulging in more of at a rapid pace! I personally love the immediacy of a quick download of the latest book release. You’ll see me intently charging along the Mooloolaba esplanade with headphones in the wee early hours gleaning the latest neuroscience wisdom from an audio book. I love to use commute time to grab a quick snippet of a chapter through the car stereo. I also use the “double swipe down” function on my smartphone enabling it to read me the article on my screen whilst I cook. My recipe for transitional success is to blend of touch of reminiscent by memorialising your final copy of your newspaper in the “pool room” with a touch of innovative, forward-thinking mindset. You can show and tell your grandchildren’s children about the days of the printed newspaper. Expect them to be 'touched' with amusement as they peer quizzically through their augmented reality spectacles that upon a simple verbal command searches and projects the final date it was printed. Let’s Shake, Rustle and Roll with the technology! In the meantime, if you’re longing for more of the printed word, my commemorative version of many of these articles and more will be available in the coming months in my first paperback, Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project. Reserve your copy HERE. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com The spotlight last week was on some extraordinary hairy beings often found leaning over a BBQ, sometimes with a tinned beverage in hand grunting and roaring with laughter over conquests, footy scores and how the country is run. This bushy variety is known for speaking fewer words than their female counterparts, display less facial expressions, can’t see as many shades of colour and may lack empathy when their loved ones nearby are suffering a head cold. Known as higher risk-takers, this breed are therefore more likely to have more accidents. They die younger from lifestyle-related health conditions and less likely to go for a health check-up despite nagging ailments that persist. So why the focus on the menfolk and their weird and wonderful ways? Last week was Men’s Health Week - designed to heighten awareness for preventable health problems and encourage early detection and treatment of disease among men and boys. So firstly, you blokes are an exceptional bunch with many characteristics us ladies will never be able to match. I’ve described fellas most stereotypically, however some women are even furrier than their man! This is a great opportunity to celebrate our mosaic brains and the incredible, uniqueness of the masculine and feminine tendencies found in all blokes – some weighted in more areas than others. The world needs you and your health is a critical matter. There are health issues which only affect men. The world could be more sensitive toward your needs and how we promote healthcare in a way that makes it a more engaging place for which you can be cared for. Whilst the government and the medical profession could consider how to provide more men-friendly practices tailored to blokes, here’s what blokes could do better:
You might portray as fearless but don’t let it be your killer. In honour of Men’s Health Week – reach out when the chips are down and go get that check-up! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
How would you rate yourself on the “change scale”? Revel, avoid or somewhere open to it and in between? In the counselling room, it’s often a point of contention when couples find they are “poles apart” from their partner on the “change scale” in their personality analysis. This would explain why your husband might be frustrated at your frequent need to rearrange the lounge room furniture, experiment with new recipes and become aghast when you exclaim that you both must jump in the car and drive to Cairns for a few days, leaving today! Maybe it is you that recoils in horror at the thought of moving house ever again? Do you take all necessary precautions to avoid drinking out of anything other than your usual coffee mug? Maybe you can’t even contemplate July when you won’t be able to physically turn the pages of your Sunshine Coast Daily magazine during your Saturday morning ritual and need to source your local news from your phone?
For many, the same expectation for each day is a place of comfort and any alteration change creates confusion and even anxiety. The reality is, we can attempt to control our environment as much as possible however unexpected change are an integral part of life from which we could all do with life skills to cope. The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, work redundancy, neighbours moving on, illness and COVID-19 are also in this category. Some elements of life we glean status or become defined by but can change instantly and forever. Adversely reacting to change is normal so don’t judge yourself. To be nervous about initiating change, even a good one is common. Whether it’s thrust on you or not, giving yourself credit for courageously approaching the effects versus avoiding emotions such as sadness, despair or confusion is a helpful mindset. Initiating change? Constantly remind yourself why you’re doing it. What was the outcome you were seeking at the start and have you faltered or strayed from your end goal out of fear? It is common to be stuck in the comfort of your discomfort resulting in a stagnant nervous system that inhibits new, healthy neural pathways resulting in positive habits and happiness.
Unplanned uncontrollable change? Isolation increases your stress levels as does the fighting and fearing it. Whilst you might need to retreat momentarily, ensure you connect with others to share your woes, worries and “what if’s”. You’d be surprised how they can relate, been through something similar or might share a profound and productive way they cope.
Allow for self-compassion and any soothing rituals that make you feel better throughout the real rough patches. It can be a roller coaster of emotions so go for that run, watch tellie, eat something delicious and keep it all in moderation. As you bravely embrace the unordinary, unfamiliar, weird and sometimes resultantly wonderful, remember change is inevitable. If you are well resourced with resilience skills, you can healthily expect the discomfort of the initial imbalance as you approach plan B, C and D. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
Australians in many states can enjoy a glorious winter but we may still withdraw a little from the chill, find it harder to exercise and feel more irritable. Our lips get dry and cracked and so can our relationships. You may have started the year with the intention to give your relationship another big shot and rekindle the connection, then found it further strained throughout social isolation. As we approach mid-year, maybe you’re both on the downward spiral and bogged down.
Whilst this one is more for the ladies, I know you blokes will sneek a peek. So gals, here are your winter intimacy revival techniques you’ll love and could well loathe:
With thanks to Laura Doyle for some great concepts gleaned from her contribution to relationship therapy. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
It's likely I'm going to be one someday, so have shelved the Mother-In-Law jokes this week as Part two of “What to do about my partner’s strange friends and family?” - in preparation for Mother’s Day next week.
Last week I touched on the myriad of ways these “free gift with purchase” people with your spouse can infiltrate your love nest causing bitterness and resentment. Speaking of FREE, keep reading to ensure you get the free unique Mother's Day gift with a difference. Firstly, let’s assume that anyone unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well. Many find they’ve built themselves a quiet place inside their imaginary cave as a last resort to coping. (Social distancing also won’t go on forever!) Others are still feisty and will attack any outsiders who may compromise the new family culture they’re trying to create. Thankfully, you now have my tips using an acronym from the word RESPECT: Respect: Everyone deserves it and so do you. You’re likely different from your in-laws and it’s important to respect the parents of the spouse you’ve chosen to love who made them. How much is healthy to be involved is another thing. Establish boundaries that support your new family culture. You are your partner can decide what are the best and worst parts of your respective up-bringing you’d like to bring to your own new family culture. Set the benchmark for those aspects of your life you’re unable to compromise on. This allows you to be more patient and flexible to accept the differences in other areas. What a beautiful gift to your partner to integrate their traditions or funny quirks into your lives for comfort and familiarity. Can you try and replicate that chocolate pudding for your husband his mother used to lovingly make?
Prepare yourself for all the making up for lost time visits and holidays together following the pandemic. Evaluate your self-talk to ensure it is loving and kind. If you’re already ruminating over their negative behaviours, past hurts and plotting revenge, it won’t take much for you react less than favourably. Hurling your glass of red wine at your wife’s best friend at their wedding will be something you’ll regret.
Enjoy them! Again, you’ve bought into this relationship and will invest favourably for long term return if you make it your business to find something to like about them. What fascinating differences can you learn more about and appreciate? Champion admirable behaviour and skip the constant judgement. It’s exhausting and taxing on your mental health. Your spouse’s friends and family may not have table manners, the courtesy to call before they drop-in, know when to stop drinking and the list goes on. Instead of cutting them out of your life, can you consistently mentor your values and teach your children? Maybe it’ll catch on? Take steps to forgive! Unforgiveness of their wrongs holds you in a vice-like grip of toxic stress due to consistent high levels of cortisol in your body – even if you don’t realise it. Who wants to die young because of their Mother in Law? Here's my thoughtful gift idea FREE for you to download. It's a beautiful list of prompts to deepen your knowledge of your Mum - "Legacy of Love Questions for Mother's Day". She can complete them together with you or just send them in her own time. Hey Dads! Roll up the print-out and gift on behalf of small children. If you're a Mother, print and gift them your inner thoughts, desires and history! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
I haven't spoken to the mother-in-law for six months now ... apparently, it's rude to interrupt.”chuckled one of my clients recently. The focus is mothers-in-law as we prepare for Mother’s Day on 10 May in case you need to prepare! I have a FREE thoughtful gift idea so read on for access to that one.
Not just the outlaws but extended family and friends, too and I’m quite sure there are a few relieved people that have found social distancing quite beneficial? Starry-eyed romantics are often caught unaware after slipping into the love vortex. Clarity is skewed, thanks to oxytocin: the love neurochemical that helps us pair up. Many seal their commitment with a kiss and a ring, only to realise down the marital track there's a whole new group of influencers behind their beloved. There's Uncle Bert who dropped in unannounced, way too often and your spouse seems incredibly nonplussed. How about your partner's best friend you've never really gelled with from the start? Ever heard of that inappropriate sister-in-law who reveals way too much about your partner's ex? Do you have a father-in-law who unashamedly runs a dictatorship around the money that you've earned? Speaking of your hard-earned coin, how are your stepchildren syphoning that out of your lifestyle? Then there's the wedding day - so many expectations for the most wonderful, memorable celebration. It's too often tainted by the bitter sadness of those family members who weren't included enough or managed to bustle their way in with far too much influence. This rather excruciating list could go on.
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Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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