UNATTACHED AND ANXIOUS?

TEN MEANINGFUL QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

The reality of the “happily ever after” dream reinforced by our society, does not materialise for many, or can break down unexpectedly at a later stage in life.

These unfulfilled expectations can leave us feeling like a failure, lonely, different and rejected.  You may feel isolated with a sense of having “missed the boat”.  Furthermore, you can experience :

• You’re alone and you don’t feel you have a choice not to be;
• You feel that you’re lacking attachments you had in the past
• You are facing changes in your life–a new school, city, job, or other changes;
• You feel there’s no one in your life with whom you can share your feelings and experiences;
• Your self-perceptions are that you’re unacceptable, unlovable, not worthwhile (even if others don’t agree!)
• Everyone else is enjoying the “party of partnership” and you’re watching from the window outside

The aim of this article is to help those who are struggling to ‘be on their own’ without any sense of meaning.  My desire is for you to further explore your own personal feelings, values and needs.  It is never too late to think about ways in which life could become more rewarding and fulfilling.

For each of us, being on our own will hold unique and personal meaning related to our own life stories and experiences and these can change with time and circumstances.

Here are 10 important questions to ask yourself: 

1.   Do I really have to be in a partnership to be happy?  Being single is not a synonym for loneliness, lack of social life, fun or fulfilling and meaningful relationships. 

2.   What would a relationship give me?  Assuming a significant other will help heal past wounds or your reach your life expectations - is worth questioning.  What needs are not being met now that you can work on yourself?

3.   What unhealthy beliefs are inhibiting me? Based on our up-bringing and experiences, we each have our own ideas and dreams about how long term relationships will start.  Let go of rigid expectations about methods of meeting people.  How have you come to those beliefs and are they inflexible?  

4.   What do I tell myself?  With around 10,000 thoughts per day, it’s worth analysing our self-talk.  What inspiring and uplifting statements are you telling yourself?   Maybe you have a sense of not having anything worthwhile to offer? 

5.   How do I feel about my body?  Are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you have the motivation to stay fit and healthy whilst you may have additional time to do it?  Are you obsessive about your shape and size?  Can you enjoy your uniquely created body? If not, what can you do about it today?

 6.   Do I feel awkward socially? Does the thought of making ‘chit-chat’, polite conversation, or being in social situations give you sweaty palms or just yawn?  Is it time to change this outlook? 

7.   Is work all I have? List all the activities you do that provide you with an opportunity to meet people, socialise and add to the sense of wellbeing in your life. Not too many?  Why? 

8.   What’s my personal experience and history of friendships and relationships?  As a product of our upbringing and past experiences - was your family social and outgoing or reserved? What was your past experience of relationships and friendships? Were you allowed them? Were they encouraged? Were certain relationships encouraged whilst others were frowned upon? Any answers help you make sense of where your struggles are now in making and/or maintaining friendships and relationships? 

9.   Have I labelled myself as a “single” or “lonely” person? Focus your attention on needs you can currently meet yourself.  Reframe your title to one that highlights your incredible attributes.

 10. How can I help myself?  Anything here inspired some aspects of your thoughts and actions that need change or instilled a desire to take risks?  Has this highlighted the need to seek an outside perspective or be safely accompanied through grief.  Maybe you just need more tools and strategies to achieving your goals? 
Contact Joanne Wilson, TheConfidante on 0499991884 or [email protected]  

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