  Social connectedness has a bigger impact on health than giving up smoking, reducing excessive drinking, reducing obesity and any other preventative interventions? Whilst these strategies are going to enhance your lifestyle, modern medicine is realising the importance of integrating the most effective intervention for improving health and longevity - social relationships!
This month, I’m highlighting the contribution of social researcher and bestselling author, Hugh Mackay whose accolades include an Officer of the Order of Australia and Fellow of the Australian Psychological Society to name a few. I was honoured to interview Hugh and taking much delight in revealing his insight and wisdom that complements my contribution as a Relationships Therapist. We are created relational social beings. When we feel loved, secure and attached to our people and surroundings, we flourish. Look beyond the symptoms of our anxiety epidemic and you’ll likely see social fragmentation behind it. An example of social fragmentation is one household in four has one person living in it with this trend set to decrease to one in three. Fragmentation features 35%-40% of marriages that end in divorce (a massive ripple effect on society and generations including children who transition between parents’ houses or choose to live independently earlier.) Busyness is our badge of honour and the information technology boom that as Mackay says, “makes us feel more connected than ever before. On the other hand, it makes it easier than ever for us to stay apart from each other and to settle for a text or a tweet, rather than a phone call, let alone a cup of coffee. We are getting used to the idea that you can communicate without human presence.” In my experience in the Counselling room, loneliness and disconnection is usually the root cause of addictions. “For too long now, we have been living in a society that revolves around individualism and consumerism.” says Mackay, citing them as the “twin vanities”. Hugh emphasizes this in what he calls being entangled in the QPL syndrome: the quest for the perfect latte. He says our sense of lack of control in the world causes us to seek fulfillment through bathroom renos, breast implants, enviable holidays we can Instagram and demand the perfect latte. We are ensnared in the false belief we will be happy when we get what we think we deserve. In reality, it is a never-ending chasm to fill and the root of entitlement and narcissism. Mackay says we have “lost sight of our true nature as people who belong to a society. We are, each of us, organically linked to the whole; its problems are our problems; the pain of any is the pain of all”. Beyond Blue reveals two million Australians are suffering from a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Whilst youth suicide is falling, sadly our overall rate of suicide is still rising. Men are three times more likely to die of suicide, with approximately six male deaths per day. What is going to counteract these frightening statistics? Find someone to work out or walk with, call a buddy for a beer, join the choir, pottery class and be brave enough to knock on your neighbour’s door. Your brain lights up when you’re connected, needed and contributing to the lives of others. Fellas can have a chilled out catch up at Sunshine Coast’s very own local initiative, www.grablifebytheballs.com.au which is expanding across Australia. There’s a plethora of women’s networking events in business, playgroups and hobbies. Use your screen for good today to search out some connections suited to you and courageously make contact. You’ll likely live a longer and healthier life. I personally think it’s ok if you enjoy finding good coffee! If you’d like to know more on the Suicide Prevention Program at the Sunshine Coast Mind and Neuroscience -Thompson Institute, visit www.thealliance.org.au. Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your Spouse It Up Guide at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com  I’m passing on a beaut little “go to” designed to keep your relationships thriving as well as beat off depression and anxiety. As featured last week, I had the honour of interviewing US neuropsychologist, Dr John Arden who’s devised a handy acronym that creates a happy and healthy brain. Post this up in your bathroom mirror for a constant reminder on ways to inspire SEEDS of joy for a fulfilling lifestyle, especially as we head on into the winter months here in Australia: S is for Social Connectivity: I know it can get so “peoply” out there sometimes but like it or not, we are designed relationally and thrive on emotional attentiveness. Loneliness causes cellular changes resulting in a weakened immune system, a propensity for addiction and even early symptoms of dementia! Our telomeres (caps on the end of our chromosomes) can shrink without cultivated and fostered social brain networks. Keep yourself engaged with real time authentic family or friends versus online acquaintances, likers and followers! E is for Exercise: Dr Arden says exercise is better than any anti-depressant or anxiety tool on the planet! He encourages 30 minutes of increased heart rate activity every day to stave off the blues. An array of awesome brain-enhancing biochemical processes occurs when we exercise which include producing new neurons in our brain. (No wonder all my best ideas are invented during a long jog, though unsure about the science of new concepts in the shower yet!). E is for Education: I’m sure you’ve heard, “If you don’t use it, you lose it”- true story. If you’re not constantly learning, you’re not building an infrastructure of brain connectivity. The more connectivity, the richer your cognitive reserve later in life. I recently read about Yale professor, Paul Bloom who specialises in cognitive psychology and pleasure research. He says pleasure doesn’t just occur – it develops. Want to know how to get it? He says study more! Aside from a headache from guzzling a lot of expensive wine frequently, we know it won’t provide as much happiness as if you were to learn about wine along the way! Instead of seeking delight from experiencing something over and over, gain knowledge from your object of pleasure. D is for DIET: Feed your brain with nutritious fuel as your brain chemicals need it. A diet of fried hot chips and sauce will starve your amazingly created head of healthy neurotransmitters. Do that and you’re up against it to think clearly and positively. Neuroscientist Dr Caroline Leaf states 95% of your serotonin and half of the dopamine in the body are produced in your gut. Importantly, don’t fall into the trap of the unnecessary sense of urgency to eat on the go. Eat slowly until you’re 80% full and let your mind be your guide – not your eyes! S is for Sleep: Achieving functional sleep is a deterrent for depression and anxiety. Dr Arden says sleep medications can hinder our sleep cycle required to naturally consolidate memories. Did you know your brain and body stays quite active when we sleep as it plays a housekeeping type role removing toxins? When we mess it all up with drugs and alcohol, it makes sense we experience that very apt term I recently heard of, “hangxiety” and dreadful symptoms afterward. Do it often enough and you get depressed and anxious. Struggling in this area? Start with mindfulness, prayer, exercise or a therapist to collaborate on sleep strategies to combat any over-thinking at all the wrong times. Happy planting and join me next week for another great way to light up the reward centres of your brain! Email me if you’d like more information on Dr Arden’s SEEDS Worksheet and don’t forget to listen in for my interviews with some of the esteemed authors and neuroscientists from the conference on Friday mornings Salt 106.5 breakfast show with Kristian. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.  How’s your day? Maybe not so good? Has your year been an absolute shocker? Are you going through a rough patch? Made some major life mistakes? Grieving through separation or death? Feeling on the outer circle, unattractive, a failure or lonely? New to the Sunshine Coast and don’t know anyone? As depression and anxiety continues to rise, I’ve got an idea to support anyone experiencing bad days that extend into weeks.
You may have read the beautiful poem about seasons from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 that includes, “There’s a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…” Is this your worst time? Take even the smallest step to turn toward someone else’s time. Turn your shocking time into your best time by gifting a service to someone. There sure is a time to grieve and be sad, but one wonderful strategy to move from that time is finding the greatest fulfillment in what I believe is inherent in our human design – serving others. Even you have unique talents awaiting to be gifted to others. A neighbour, a stranger or an organisation will be forever grateful for the day you chose to turn your own atrocious, depressing day into your best. This is the day when you put your hand up and extended it to care. Last week was the 30th year celebration of National Volunteer Week that gratefully honours volunteers. This year’s theme is “Making the World of Difference” and you can too! Search #NVW2019 online for inspiring memes and stories. Surprise someone in your street with a home-made yummy something, pay for someone’s coffee anonymously, deliver food hampers, work at the soup kitchen, create, craft or build anything required. If you can’t think of anything, check out www.volunteeringqld.org.au. Here are their reasons why you will benefit as it offers the chance to:
Don’t allow adversity to consume you. Consume it by making a world of difference and one step closer to your time to dance. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.  There’s nothing quite like the moving experience of the Sunshine Coast community together in silence in the early hours commemorating Anzac Day. As we remembered those Australian and New Zealand Army Corps soldiers who have fought and died for their country in Gallipoli campaign of the First World War, I contemplated our varied responses to grief.
No one is immune to the death of loved ones, and we lament differently. My surprising response I noticed last year when my brother died, was the urge to find the green thumb I didn’t know I had! Gardening is a past-time I’ve generally found rather tiresome, hot, fly blown and just so boring. Even worse, I ashamedly have a limited, pathetic botanical vocabulary. In contrast, having returned from my brother’s funeral, I was out there in the wee hours at the Yandina markets solemnly yet eagerly searching for green foliage! The children and I drove home precariously peering through massive flourishing fresh palms, bromeliads and peace plants I’d filled the car with! Having proudly and tenderly planted, potted and lovingly nurtured them (only one has died so far), I’ve since shared my experience with other grieving humans. It seems many have also turned to the soil for extended hours as they grappled with grief. Why? What’s that about? I went searching for answers and seems I shouldn’t be so perplexed. When you think about it, we are surrounded by dying each and every day. Go outside and see an abundance of life. We're also seeing the results of the death, decay, rejuvenation, restoration and renewal as featured in the cycles of life in the garden. It makes intuitive sense that a closer connection to nature can help us come to terms with death and the grieving process. How about the research around the importance of reconnecting people to nature that proves faster recovery rates, reduced stress, and eased symptoms of physical and mental illnesses? Then there’s the trendy term, “grounding” whereby we are encouraged to ditch the thongs and find health through natural electrical connection to earth by being barefoot. Here is what one friend said, “It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I learned firsthand the incredible role plants play in healing. To be cultivating in nature was to be quiet, to connect, and reflect what is incredibly important.” It is rather timely the Sunshine Coast Planting Festival is being held again next weekend 3-5 May! The Planting Festival focusses on the important issue of conservation. There will be book writing classes, horticulture lessons and how to recycle and re-purpose clothes. There are also film and comedy showings as well as a full program for kids including singing classes, learning about bugs, face painting, dance lessons, magic shows and art classes. How fun. I’ll go in honour of my brother! Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.  Easter can be a tough time. Easter is a holiday period that often provides days off but with less activities than what is organized and available at Christmas. Some of you may be required to work right through?
Colleagues and acquaintances may have gone travelling on exotic enviable holidays, or busy with their families? Single parents whose children are off with former spouses can feel emptiness as well. The loss of a partner may feel particularly acute. As the weather becomes cooler it may that bit harder to be motivated to go out. In an increasing individualistic society, it can be relaxing and positive to have real “down time” in a world filled with constant contact through smart phones, e-mail and social media. It can also lead to feelings of loneliness. Some find themselves in difficult family situations over the extended holiday time. There is an emphasis on family, friends and chocolate gifts on TV that may simply reinforce what we might be missing. Loneliness is a real problem and we need to be aware of it
Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.  Lonely this Festive Season? There’s likely something quite right with you!
Ever felt like the party is pumping and you’re watching alone and sad with your nose pressed up against the window from outside? We’ve ALL been there at some time and cried those uninvited or isolated tears. As it turns out, loneliness is not a flaw but a symptom of being inherently created to be connected. If you’re lonely, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s because of something that is right. This discomfort alerts you to engage with others to get healthy, be known, be loved and befriend others. This is how you’re designed! Why should you do something about it? Lack of meaningful relationships can lead to ill health as it compromises your immune system and can increase blood pressure. Lonely people react more strongly to stressful situations than those who are not. It even affects your quality of sleep. I would concur with increasing findings that somewhere along the journey of addictive behaviours such as alcohol, drug and gambling abuse; there’s a link to disconnection or rejection. As an extrovert, I’ve learnt to respect the introverts’ need for solitude and quiet rejuvenation. There is however, a difference between being alone and being lonely. I’ve also felt lonely surrounded by people in a crowded room too. Reaching out takes courage to push beyond your internal critical editor within your retreat to be vulnerable, genuine and transparent with others. Life’s roller coaster of highs and lows does not stop during the festive season - and can even amplify. My observation of the causes of loneliness in my Counselling room are:
This New Year, I encourage the lonely and loved to be bold and spirited with my ideas:
If you’re like me, it’s time to halt the busyness, screen distractions to slow down, look around, give and receive emotional attentiveness. If you’re one of the lucky ones surrounded by love, I urge you to be generous with your smile, wave, call or visit. Befriend the unfriendly. Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast professional Counsellor and Neuropsychotherapist. She is the feature relationships columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily, weekly radio guest for Salt 106.5 and enjoys inspiring the community through guest speaking invitations and producing her own books, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties and The Relationship Rejuvenator E-Book. Contact Jo on 0409 909 933 or [email protected]. It was an honour to have my article published in the Neuropsychotherapy Journal in 2017! I wrote of an amazing client dedicated to beating her illness and overcoming the anxiety she had developed:  TEN MEANINGFUL QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
The reality of the “happily ever after” dream reinforced by our society, does not materialise for many, or can break down unexpectedly at a later stage in life. These unfulfilled expectations can leave us feeling like a failure, lonely, different and rejected. You may feel isolated with a sense of having “missed the boat”. Furthermore, you can experience :
The aim of this article is to help those who are struggling to ‘be on their own’ without any sense of meaning. My desire is for you to further explore your own personal feelings, values and needs. It is never too late to think about ways in which life could become more rewarding and fulfilling. For each of us, being on our own will hold unique and personal meaning related to our own life stories and experiences and these can change with time and circumstances. Here are 10 important questions to ask yourself: 1. Do I really have to be in a partnership to be happy? Being single is not a synonym for loneliness, lack of social life, fun or fulfilling and meaningful relationships. 2. What would a relationship give me? Assuming a significant other will help heal past wounds or your reach your life expectations - is worth questioning. What needs are not being met now that you can work on yourself? 3. What unhealthy beliefs are inhibiting me? Based on our up-bringing and experiences, we each have our own ideas and dreams about how long term relationships will start. Let go of rigid expectations about methods of meeting people. How have you come to those beliefs and are they inflexible? 4. What do I tell myself? With around 10,000 thoughts per day, it’s worth analysing our self-talk. What inspiring and uplifting statements are you telling yourself? Maybe you have a sense of not having anything worthwhile to offer? 5. How do I feel about my body? Are you comfortable in your own skin? Do you have the motivation to stay fit and healthy whilst you may have additional time to do it? Are you obsessive about your shape and size? Can you enjoy your uniquely created body? If not, what can you do about it today? 6. Do I feel awkward socially? Does the thought of making ‘chit-chat’, polite conversation, or being in social situations give you sweaty palms or just yawn? Is it time to change this outlook? 7. Is work all I have? List all the activities you do that provide you with an opportunity to meet people, socialise and add to the sense of wellbeing in your life. Not too many? Why? 8. What’s my personal experience and history of friendships and relationships? As a product of our upbringing and past experiences - was your family social and outgoing or reserved? What was your past experience of relationships and friendships? Were you allowed them? Were they encouraged? Were certain relationships encouraged whilst others were frowned upon? Any answers help you make sense of where your struggles are now in making and/or maintaining friendships and relationships? 9. Have I labelled myself as a “single” or “lonely” person? Focus your attention on needs you can currently meet yourself. Reframe your title to one that highlights your incredible attributes. 10. How can I help myself? Anything here inspired some aspects of your thoughts and actions that need change or instilled a desire to take risks? Has this highlighted the need to seek an outside perspective or be safely accompanied through grief. Maybe you just need more tools and strategies to achieving your goals? Contact Joanne Wilson, TheConfidante on 0499991884 or [email protected] |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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