We’ve been getting down and  “naked to the soul” throughout the recent month. I’m unveiling all those major inhibitors to intimacy in this series and today is a wrap up of what has inspired incredible interest from the community. It is an honour to share insight from the counselling room on common snags to the secure connection and love we deserve in order to spread the love for everyone!
 
Last month I recognised four main categories:

• The frequency of your “attachment antennae”? 
• Apathy
• Fear of Rejection
• Misalignment

 
Today I present the overarching theme of being “naked to the soul”.
 
It would be safe to stay that our human nature default status is a lack of appreciation for ourselves. Even worse, self-deprecation and toxic self-loathing. It takes effort to keep abreast of the spiralling anxious thoughts that feed this.
 
In society, talk yourself up or display too much self-promotion – you’re arrogant, conceited and “full of yourself”. In reality, we thrive on encouragement, positive reinforcement and the connectedness from others to “have our back”, particularly when life gets challenging.
 
If I were to blatantly stereotype, many men will derive status from their achievements along with power from sex.  A lot of women feel validated for their appearance and sense of belonging and acceptance when in a relationship. I note we do have unique “mosaic” brains so everyone features their own blend of longings.
 
When we “strip back” our work, our interests, our looks and who we are with, it’s worth reflecting on exactly, Who am I without my money, job, my partner or other avenues I rely on for validation?” “Who do I represent?“ “What do I stand for?” and “What do I long for?”.
 
Do we miss out on complementing each other in healthy partnerships because we overlook what’s really inhibiting intimacy? The recognition of our design for love, acceptance and belonging for being ourselves with all our flaws and raw spots? Are we scared of what will see in ourselves when not covered by our “things”.
 
 You deserve to ask (in the appropriate way) for your desires, recognising you’re an amazing work in progress and be accepted for your short-comings. Have the courage to turn up bare in your relationship, naked to the soul.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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The Noosa Festival of Surfing commenced on the weekend here with nine whole days of beautiful waves, boards, beaches, and surfing. Now this, is what the Sunshine Coast is all about. I have therefore teamed it with nine hot tips to overcoming your biggest block to deeply connected relationships in this Intimacy Inhibitors series.

This series is designed to rescue you from drowning in the ho-hum boring drum of flat conditions featuring less than fulfilling relationships with unnecessary large reef rocks to enjoying connection and deep love.

If you're methodical like me and need order, click on these previous articles, where I've covered:

• What frequency is your antenna tuned to? 
• Apathy
• Fear

Alongside the endless list of common human fears of sharks, jellyfish and needles in the sand is fear of rejection. It's an invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time with devastating effects of being alienated, disappointed and lonely.  This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is subsequently made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it’s a massive inhibitor to reaching out and enjoying closeness.

What do we do about it? We harness the power of our mind which is fabulously renewable, neuroplastic and fundamentally, changeable! You are not a victim to the tides that come and go to helplessly drift with the unhelpful decisions and beliefs of your past.

Here are your 9 Mind Management strategies for fear:
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1. Check your antenna frequency (refer to the first article in this series)
2. Tune in to your internal newsreel? What fearful words are you speaking into your life when you wake, washing the dishes, driving or surfing?
3. Write them down and consider when and why you bought into any of those toxic thoughts.
4. Write down three decisions you made as a result of these experiences to avoid future pain.
5. Validate your ingenious inherent design to adopt these self-preservation behaviours.
6. Write down three ways these decisions are not helping you enjoy intimacy and true closeness?
7. What three or more feelings do they evoke?
8. Ask yourself the benefit of bravely expressing them to someone?
9. Write down what life-giving, motivating and nurturing words you could be speaking into your life instead and ensure they infiltrate your world.

So drop into these 9 steps to approaching the exhilarating ride of intimacy. It won't always be a perfect 10 and there will be a few wipeouts. Like any new skill, it requires repetition and you'll be stoked with the results.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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Ever wondered the most consistent challenge for couples that features in the counselling room week after week? Not fibbing or blubbering. I’m talking phubbing! This is a behaviour, I’ve sadly discovered, I am still guilty of and I’m guessing you could well be too. 
 
Technology advancing at lightning speed and its great impact on the way we do things is nothing new. I personally can’t wait to download the latest App for fear of missing out! Last week it was for sleep monitoring and this week it’s a new funky navigational one. Social media networks have become the main channels of communication for so many of us. You’ve been living in Paradise Caves (that’s a real place on the Sunshine Coast!), if you haven’t heard of or used Facebook, Messenger, SnapChat, Twitter, YouTube, Flickr, Instagram, WhatsApp and Tinder.

This is where your internal friction lies. Regularly prioritise that phone that tells you the weather, how to find package free wholefoods to engineer that delectable dish to cook, how much money you raised for the Sunshine Coast Coastrek, and the footy scores; over the love for your partner, results in “phubbing”. Phone plus snubbing.
 
I’m the first one to admit to being amused or mesmerized for too long by a certain hand-held device portraying enviable, captivating pictures, data or ideas - whilst my own family was seeking my attention. I’d often phubbed them and am ashamed. This shocking behavioural phenomenon is a also a real word and a “thing”. This dreadful “technoference” means those most important to me could be in deficit of the emotional attentiveness they deserve. Furthermore it can make us feel incredibly down.
 
Just last week, Neurocience News reported, what a team of psychologists at Ruhr-Universität Bochum (RUB) led by Dr. Phillip Ozimek discovered:
 
“Private and professional social networks can promote higher levels of depression if users mainly use them passively, compare themselves with others socially and these comparisons have a negative impact on self-esteem. ‘It is important that this impression that everyone else is better off can be an absolute fallacy,’ says the psychologist. “In fact, very few people post on social media about negative experiences. However, the fact that we are flooded with these positive experiences on the Internet gives us a completely different impression.”
 
Long ago, the Relationships Australia Indicator survey cited the concerning and significant proportion (around 50%) of both men and women who indicated that there had been a negative effect on their relationship due to a current or former partner spending too much time on the internet instead of with them or their family. Sad!
 
Marriages and Children flourish when they are not constantly receiving the message that your phone is more important than them. The happiest head start to your child’s life is a secure “attachment”. That is, they need to know they can count on you when they need, you love them and you need them. It also means, joining them in their “bids” for your attention. The frequency of such requests as, “Watch me balance this fidget spinner on my nose, Dad.” can be annoying, however from what I hear from the wise elderly, they’ll be grown up and gone way too soon.
 
My Relationship therapy often incorporates couples creating their own customized rules to prevent social media infiltrating their relationships and use it to enhance their connection. The first step is awareness, so be proactive and discuss any concerns with your partner. Here are some ideas that I’ve collaborated with couples and found effective:  

1. Redirect work phone calls to a colleague or subordinate on specified days or evenings.  
2. Prohibiting screen time past 8:00pm (put them in a technology box at the door).
3. Delete the offending “app” from your smart phone for a set period of time to disrupt unhealthy patterns.  Replace it with one that encourages a new activity together such as fitness goals.  
4. Incorporate the use of technology for private romantic gestures or methods for gratitude.  Share your latest "app" find with your partner so they're always included.
5. Mention your partner in some of your online “posts” so they know you’re proud of them. If you’re in a relationship, why would your online world reflect anything different?
6. Buy an old-style alarm clock and keep phones out of the bedroom.
7. Plan device-free outings! Imagine that. You’ll have to remember it as you won’t even be able to take a photo!
8. Have a technology detox such as on a Sunday.

If you have small Children, model behaviour and respect for others you would hope they will reflect - especially when they are teenagers!  As much as social media is an effective tool in connecting relationships, it can also lead to their demise. Be still, be present, and you give and get the gift of NOW. You too can stop phubbing.
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?"

Not a week goes by when cyber related challenges are raised in the Counselling room. I was relieved to notice there is now a Safer Internet Day each year, being tomorrow,  Tuesday 5 February. 

Safer Internet Day’s mission is to promote the safe and responsible use of technology for young people. What a great day therefore to raise awareness in your household as it sure needs attention for your relationships and boundaries for children.
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In my experience, the most common areas for concern discussed in Counselling are:

• Frequent late-night use of the internet.
• Addictive games and related conversations with people unknown to partners.
• Obsessive protection of phones that never leave your spouse or teenager's side.
• Lack of attention to children’s hours spent online that causes aggression or moodiness.

If you have children, there are some great online safety quizzes to check their understanding about sharing their images, giving out their information and what to do about online bullying. It could save their life.

I totally love that we’ve become even more connected thanks to technology. Long distance relationships are enhanced with it and those living or travelling abroad feel closer than ever. In day to day life however, screens are often an unwanted third person in the relationship. When both partners are screen addicted, it’s some sort of crazy foursome where the only real connection is the charging port that sustains this unhealthy attachment.

There is also a need for a sensible discussion for couples. Here are some topics to ask each other:

• What do we perceive is a reasonable amount of screen time per day?
• Can we incorporate a fun challenge with an incentive to reduce it? (Many devices have in-built time tracking to keep you informed)
• Do we set a good example for screen usage etiquette for children? (That is, putting down your screen, engaging with emotional attentiveness and eye contact or keeping them away from the dinner table.)
• Do we share new interests Apps or games with each other?
• What Apps, websites, podcasts or blogs can we both use to enrich our relationship? A great example is the “Gottman Card Decks” App for couples.
• Do we feel comfortable leaving our phone unattended and face up for our partner to view?
• Are we comfortable to be online friends with ex partners, old school friends or new acquaintances of the opposite sex?
• Who do we agree is acceptable for us to chat online to?
• Have we ever gifted money to a cause, a person or organisation and not told each other?
• Do we have a no screen zone in our house or time frames when we converse real time in the flesh?
• Do we agree with what each other posts on social media sites?

Enjoy the wonders of technology to be entertained, organised and informed but if you’re withholding information from your partner about your screen use, it’s your red flag.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

It is never too late to learn to cavort in an intuitive, intimate strut as a couple. Last week I spoke figuratively about the styles of awkward dances people can find themselves mechanically and repetitively moving around in as they try and negotiate their way out of monotomy or conflict.

This can be the time of year, people are looking to “level up” in their relationship however some find the concept of trawling online for a professional to help with relationship problems frightfully confronting so I’ve suggested a secret alternative in the meantime. It’s totally confidential, private and you can take as long as you like. Your own private counsellor is a book and here’s an extension to those suggested last week:

Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs: This one is considered a “classic” among marriage books. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with conflict quickly. I love this one for it’s overarching theme of respect and kindness which is an essential component of my therapeutic approach in regaining connection. It has Christian themes but if you’re not that way inclined, it still has plenty of simple, scientifically researched messages.

The new Rules of Love and Marriage by Terrence Real: Whilst many relationship counselling approaches recognise gender differences and needs, I appreciate the author’s recognition on the change in the last twenty-five years. We can’t deny that women have become powerful, independent and self-confident. Despite being a bloke, Real says many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached and don’t know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up. Very brave statement coming from a fella!

Terrence Real instructs women how to master the new rules of twenty-first-century marriage by offering them a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He identifies what to avoid and shares practical strategies for bringing honesty, passion, and joy back to even the most difficult relationship. Real guides you through the process of relationship repair with exercises that you can do alone or with your partner. His book is based on the idea that every woman has the power to transform her marriage, while men, given the right support, have it in them to rise to the occasion.

I’d agree that we now expect and want so much from our relationships than ever before. Sunshine Coast couples are often living in isolation form their birth families and more than any other generation, we yearn for our mates to be lifelong friends and lovers. The New Rules of Marriage seeks to show us how to fulfil this courageous and uncompromising new vision.

Why men want sex and women need love by Allan & Barbara Pease: Aside from your friendly relationship columnist chum, you’ve got to love the other local relationship experts on the Sunshine Coast. They’re also a tad more international than me!  Not only can this be your own private counselling reference but a highly entertaining read. Allan and Barb will be sure to have you chuckling all the way through as you are enlightened by this practical, witty and down-to-earth guide. By translating science and research, you’ll be guided on how to pursue true happiness and compatibility with the opposite sex. It includes the top five things women want from men, what to do when the chemistry is wrong what turns men and women on – and off!

The Gottman Institute: If books aren’t your thing, then Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s life work as researchers and clinical psychologists have a rich source of information based on over 40 years of research with more than 30,000 couples – the most extensive studies ever done on marital stability. Head to their website, sign up for their blogs, check out their apps and relish in their vast resources!
You now have a great head start with your own private counsellor to trip the light fantastic in 2019.
You’re welcome.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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I could be wrong, but if you’re an Aussie bloke, you’re unlikely to ask for directions. It's a well known cute and funny fact! If you’re in a relationship, thinking about marriage or already married, you’re both even less likely to ask for guidance. 
 
Despite all the trends, media and hype, people do still care about marriage, and spend at least some time worrying about how to go about the whole lasting committed relationship thing. As the ‘unmarrieds’ are constantly bombarded with failed marriage statistics, I’d be worried too. If our parents and any neighbours or friends didn’t last the distance, it certainly warrants hesitation.
 
Unfortunately, we’re very much in an individualist society and many have bought into self-sufficiency. I want to put it out there - there’s no shame in cutting your own mistakes short by not repeating someone elses! Imagine if we sought guidance in the first place from people who know what they’re doing and doing it! I wonder if our around one in three Australian divorce rate would improve?
 
Many of you are probably now thinking Marriage Counselling (Hi!). It’s definitely a great way to go. I’d be lying if I said much of Australian society still seems to be running under the impression that it’s only your responsibility to sort yourself out. Then there’s the stigma that if anyone seeks help, they’re a few cents short of a dollar. It’s absolutely not true. Why isn’t your Therapist in your well-being phone contacts along with your Dentist and Doctor (like many Americans)? But such is the environment we live in.
 
Luckily there’s more than one way to shear a sheep, and that’s with the help of marriage mentors. In plainer English, people who are in successful, long-term, committed relationships that you can model your own relationship on.
 
Now, I understand — there’s a lot of unsolicited advice from many oldies. I think everyone knows at least one Granny who has a word of wisdom or a saying for each and every single thing that happens in your life.
 

​Marriage mentors are more like people who realise that life isn’t always a bed of roses and relationships require a bit of watering and word pruning. Even if you meet the most wonderful person in the world, your relationship is still going to require emotional attentiveness for life. Newly loved up couples may think a good relationship involves calm seas; an experienced couple knows it involves good seamanship.
 
What you want out of a marriage mentor is fairly simple: be around them, bask in their relationship and ask for their “pearls of wisdom”. The idea is to seek out and surround yourself with couples whose relationships you admire. By surrounding yourselves with and watching how these couples roll, you’ll start to understand their thoughts and feelings and emulate their behaviour.
 
You and your partner may well seek their specific advice on certain topics for support. Each mentoring relationship takes on its own style and personality. The amount of time couples spend together and the content they discuss can rarely be prescribed. Here are the key benefits:

• They help keep you on track.  They’ll remind you how wonderful life can be when you have a loving partner by your side along with the life-long consequences of bailing out too soon.
• They will not allow you to sweat the small stuff.  These wise elders can help put things back into perspective on what is really important.
• They will put a mirror in your face.  Is your spouse always at fault?  It takes two.
• They provide a positive spin on marriage.  These winners are defying the statistics and the world is a happier, healthier place because of them. They’ll help you ward off any negative thoughts and encourage you to keep fighting for the relationship you most desire.  

Marriage Mentors can help you design your own version of happily ever after.

You can check out Jo's own beautiful research project, "Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties" HERE. This stunning book features well over 2,000 years of collective knowledge to inspire longevity in relationships and includes unique, touching Pearls of Wisdom from Married couples married more than Thirty years. There are added valuable tips and prompts that will inspire and motivate.

Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast professional Counsellor and Neuropsychotherapist with a keen interest in relationships and pre-marriage therapy. Joanne is the feature relationships columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily and enjoys inspiring the community through  guest speaking invitations and producing her own books, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, The Relationship Rejuvenator E-Book and presented a series of relationship seminars. 

Download your FREE 30 days to Relationship Respect HERE in honour of Marriage Week.

Why don't you both check out our free Self Evaluation Quiz found on TheConfidante's App?
Simply text 0481072223 to download it for helpful tips to support dynamic and flourishing relationships.

Stay motivated with our daily Facebook and Instagram inspirations.

​Appointments can be scheduled online here, via email or call/text: 0409 909 933​
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​Did you know Sophie Monk is going to be the new Bachelorette? No?… Who? Some of you are only vaguely aware the show even exists or who Sophie Monk is. Some knew the day it was announced and already speculated on what she’d be wearing.
 
Once again, is this going to be celebrity news getting far more air time than it’s really worth? Then again, here in Australia, there’s something else at play. READ ON for my latest blog on why the obsession...
 
We really, really love our reality relationship shows. If you’re disputing this and you have an intense “unlike”, this does not apply to you. I bet you know someone who does though.
 
The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Seven Year Switch, Married At First Sight — every channel you surf, there’s another reality relationship show staring you down. Did I mention The Last Resort? This is the one where couples at rock bottom are sent on an intensive relationship Boot Camp to see if they can hold their relationship together.
 
But why?
 
Why is there such a large market in a country with such a relatively small population for such a specific niche? Why does watching other people’s relationships enthrall us so?
 
It turns out there are a few reasons. From where I’m sitting in my tracky dacks those nights I’m not in the therapy room, they’re actually more interesting than the shows themselves.

With anticipation I look forward to your interaction and suggestions for more interesting research, tips and information on the below topics. 

Your choice is confidential (of course), so please take just a few seconds to select the one most useful to help ensure your 2013 features Hope, Enthusiasm, Adventure (and the tools to overcome any challenges that hopefully won't come your way). You can check out the anonymous choices others have made!