I love the meaning of a leap year day on the weekend which perfectly blends with my current relationship series, “Intimacy Inhibitors”. Head to my blog for this series where so far I’ve covered:

• What frequency is your antennae tuned to? 
• Apathy
• Fear of Rejection
• 9 Mind Management Steps to overcoming Fear

 
A Leap Year Day, gives the earth additional time to complete the full circle around the sun. If we didn’t add leap days, each calendar year would be increasingly out of alignment and begin about six hours before the earth does its entire journey. Our time would slowly drift apart from the tropical year and we would get out of sync with the seasons. Americans would be eating Thanksgiving turkey in summer!
 
What does that have to do with intimacy?
 
Alignment.
 
When we’re not regularly  checking in with our partner, aligning with your each other’s needs, challenges, hectic schedules, children’s discipline and forward planning – we’re increasingly out of sync.
 
Examples of when this intimacy inhibitor features in my counselling room is when:

• Partners aren’t growing at the same pace in critical areas of their life that adjust their perspective of the relationship.
• A frantic pace where little time is set aside for face to face communication.
• Poor communication skills
• External family influences around differing values and opinions

 
I realise you can’t anticipate every step of life together, however it is worth having a decent crack to avoid constantly falling into the potholes of misalignment.
 
Why does your mechanic check the wheel alignment? It avoids unnecessary wear on your tyres, steering, suspension and brakes. The key word here is “unnecessary” - why would we  drift apart unnecessarily without harmonizing each other’s sexual flavours, spirituality, personal development, goals and dreams?

A great reminder today is to leap on in and arrange that alignment catch-up with your partner  for a forecast of sunny days ahead!
 
Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
 
 

The Noosa Festival of Surfing commenced on the weekend here with nine whole days of beautiful waves, boards, beaches, and surfing. Now this, is what the Sunshine Coast is all about. I have therefore teamed it with nine hot tips to overcoming your biggest block to deeply connected relationships in this Intimacy Inhibitors series.

This series is designed to rescue you from drowning in the ho-hum boring drum of flat conditions featuring less than fulfilling relationships with unnecessary large reef rocks to enjoying connection and deep love.

If you're methodical like me and need order, click on these previous articles, where I've covered:

• What frequency is your antenna tuned to? 
• Apathy
• Fear

Alongside the endless list of common human fears of sharks, jellyfish and needles in the sand is fear of rejection. It's an invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time with devastating effects of being alienated, disappointed and lonely.  This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is subsequently made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it’s a massive inhibitor to reaching out and enjoying closeness.

What do we do about it? We harness the power of our mind which is fabulously renewable, neuroplastic and fundamentally, changeable! You are not a victim to the tides that come and go to helplessly drift with the unhelpful decisions and beliefs of your past.

Here are your 9 Mind Management strategies for fear:
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1. Check your antenna frequency (refer to the first article in this series)
2. Tune in to your internal newsreel? What fearful words are you speaking into your life when you wake, washing the dishes, driving or surfing?
3. Write them down and consider when and why you bought into any of those toxic thoughts.
4. Write down three decisions you made as a result of these experiences to avoid future pain.
5. Validate your ingenious inherent design to adopt these self-preservation behaviours.
6. Write down three ways these decisions are not helping you enjoy intimacy and true closeness?
7. What three or more feelings do they evoke?
8. Ask yourself the benefit of bravely expressing them to someone?
9. Write down what life-giving, motivating and nurturing words you could be speaking into your life instead and ensure they infiltrate your world.

So drop into these 9 steps to approaching the exhilarating ride of intimacy. It won't always be a perfect 10 and there will be a few wipeouts. Like any new skill, it requires repetition and you'll be stoked with the results.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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What are you scared of? Spiders, snakes, dogs, heights, flying, enclosed spaces, needles, storms? The list is endless of what frightens the heck out of us.

What about the one we can’t physically see that’s on top of the list of what petrifies humans (according to me)? What is this invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time?

Rejection.

And what does rejection cause? Fear.

I’m spearheading through my first series for your 2020 – “Intimacy Inhibitors”. It’s designed to stop you in your tracks to ensure you’re not sabotaging your relationships with unnecessary road-blocks to your intimate relationship. These inhibitors are evident in my counselling room over and over again so why not cut your mistakes short and enjoy insight from the progress achieved from countless courageous clients over the years?

I’m longing for you to be “naked to the soul” in realising your true design to enjoy being with another special person and all the vulnerability that goes with it. I acknowledge the importance of feeling safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. This doesn’t necessarily apply to just intimate partners but allowing our friends and family in. You flourish when you allow people into your inner world.

Why would you do this?

Because you fair much better when you share the load. Your brain lights up when you compassionately support someone else. You navigate the world knowing someone has got your back despite your flaws, failings and mistakes.

Why don’t we do this?

Fear and rejection. I can guarantee everyone on this planet has suffered rejection and all the devastating effects of being alienated, disappointed and lonely.  This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it’s challenging to reach out and enjoy closeness.

What do you do about it?

Realise your default personal news reel. After over a decade of counselling I’ve come to realise, no matter your charmed or compromised background, human nature sadly and too easily defaults to worthless self-talk. If we allow life’s whacks, clobbers and thrashings to permanently wire us to avoidance, we are trapped in pain and isolation. We’re more likely to judge and criticise others to deflect the perceived short-comings from within - all rooted in fear.

I look forward to stepping you through some steps to overcoming fear - this massive inhibitor to intimacy next week.
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Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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School is back in, 
Aussie trade in full swing,
Valentine’s Day florists soon go “ka-ching”,
... and for me – great timing!

Yes, it’s a fabulous time of year for my latest and greatest momentous topic of utmost importance for your 2020, drum roll… “Intimacy Inhibitors”.

Turn the pages to this section of this magazine in recent years and you’ll be well familiar with my frequently used term, “we are designed relationally”.  That is, we feel safe and secure when we can count on turning to our loved ones for support, love and connection. Turn the pages of your life, and you’ll recall your highlight reel features sharing great moments with others, feeling loved, valued or appreciated. There are so many themes around this topic in the counselling room. I can’t wait to share with you some wonderful insights to giving and receiving the love you deserve.

Where do we start?

We get “naked to the soul”. Sounds a bit rude, however this is more about getting authentic with your own needs and turning on your “attachment antennae” to a healthy frequency. This wonderful analogy was gifted by authors and practitioners, Kallos-Lilly and Fitzgerald in their contribution to Emotionally Focussed Therapy. They explain those who’ve enjoyed positive childhood experiences of connecting with their parents of caregivers naturally tend to extend this to their romantic relationships. Those who’ve experienced a less than ideal childhood can feel a sense of loss and emptiness for what was missed.

As a result, our inherent need to survive and feel safe prompts some people to turn up their antennae or alert button to rejection from others. They can be hyper-sensitive to feelings of anxiousness when they sense others might let them down. They can be clingy and needy or try to control their partner to keep safe. Alternatively, those who keep their antennae turned down too low ensures they stay independent, avoid closeness and keep their distance. Both frequencies are their best attempts to cope to avoid the insecurity from a threatened bond with those closest and dear.

Understanding the needs of such anxious or avoidant behaviours is a helpful head start to appreciate and respect their need for space or responsiveness.

I look forward to revealing further aspects of being “naked to the soul” next week.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Don’t miss more on this in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com