“Is your partner your Number One Fan?” 
 
Is your intimate partner your go-to person?
 
Are you there for them?
 
Are they the person that you go to first when you hear exciting news or when troubled?
 
When trying to navigate this crazy life, it’s nice to know someone has got your back, cheering you on, celebrating your wins and supporting you through the tough months.
 
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In relationship counselling, there are key questions that indicate if you will feel emotionally safe. For example, I would ask Jill and Jack in a counselling session, “Let’s just check in on a couple of key questions and contemplate if you could you each give the affirmative to, “Am I there for you? Can I count on you? Will you be there when I call? Do you need me? Do you love me?”.
 
Interestingly, we want those same questions answered when we were a child. Emotional safety is fostered when our primary caregivers consistently provide assurance, safety and love as we navigate rejection, loss and enjoy milestones through our formative years.
 
As we grow and find ourselves in an intimate partnership, we want the same certainty and trust as an adult from our main go-to person. It makes sense if you’re unsure, “Is my partner there for me?” or Can I count them”, it can have you feeling unsafe.
 
When we’re feeling emotionally unsafe, we have a lower window of tolerance. This means we have less resilience to approach the world with confidence achieving the best that we can as the best versions of ourselves.
 
Adult love is not perfect! You and your partner will inadvertently let each other down at some stage. You will however,  fare much better when you’ve got those key questions answered in the positive sense.
 
How do you get emotional safety in your relationship? Ask for it!

• Contemplate what level of safety are you currently providing for your partner?
• How do you indicate you are each other’s "Number One Fan"?
• Which of those emotional safety questions are you unsure about?
• Can you communicate about times when you have been disappointed by your partner and felt they weren’t there for you?
• Can you express how this felt? Would they be receptive to hearing it without becoming defensive?
• Can you choose to forgive each other?

 
If you’re questioning how well you support your partner, why not ask them? Your weekend challenge is to appropriately compliment your partner either alone or proudly in front of people? Think about what they’re great at or thank them for something they’ve done for you.
 
Set the example in your relationship and champion the change! How can you set the stage with metaphoric streamers and banners to be your partner’s "Number One Fan". ​
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

​Ever suffer from loneliness in your relationship?
 
If so, be assured you’re not alone feeling alone in your relationship.
 
Common category causes for loneliness reported in the counselling room are the three S's: Soapies, Screens and Schedules. I’m also adding “Transparency” to the list.
 
Soapies: Who doesn’t love some escapism in a captivating show whether it be a doco or the next episode of whatever you’re into for downtime and zoning out. The common scenario however is a couple watching something different and often in different rooms. It is not going to be conducive to quality time.
 
Try and make sure that you take time to align yourselves with something that is interesting to both of you every now and again. Maybe even try a new hobby outside and get out of the tv rut?
 
Screens: The hand-held type. I refer to my screen as my “third arm”.  I use it for my entertainment, scheduling, a recipe or…. basically everything. It has become an extension of me.  I also need to make sure that the people most important to me are not playing second fiddle to that screen that is all too consuming.
 
Technology has sure been a lifesaver in many respects, but also a relationship sucker. Make sure you have boundaries that could include screen free zones such as the bedroom, time restrictions,  or certain days without technology.
 
Schedules: Particularly for people with children or just you with the hectic lifestyle, it is important to make sure that you collide (in a good way!) with your partner on an ongoing basis. Carve out some time each day, lock it in and turn up! Just 15 minutes a day can be transformational.

Why not ask, “How can I help you get through this week?” “What's troubling you the most?” or “What made you laugh today?”.  It is too easy to tag team or become complacent about remembering who you live with and what you loved most about them at the start.
 
Transparency: It is not uncommon to have trouble putting thoughts and feelings into words. How challenging is it therefore to be transparent and share at an intimate level? Take the time to learn strategies to share with your partner at a deeper level. There is no better gift than sharing  the mental load and creating new experiences based on confiding and some fun flirting along the way.
 
Real happiness does not come from getting everything you want. It comes from sharing what you have with the people who matter.
 
Speaking of schedules, don’t forget to diarse my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

​Ever bought into some Disney/Hollywood-inspired beliefs about relationships that have had you come crashing down? It is love month featuring Valentine’s Day. In partnership with my love feature in Woman’s Day this week, I step you through myths about relationships that need busting!
 
As a marriage therapist, I notice a lot of unhelpful idealisms. When these expectations aren't met, it can cause a lot of relationship distress resulting in way too many Tim Tams, wine or whatever the choice of quick fix.  

Love is about finding someone who completes the missing half of you. As much as Tom Cruise declared his love with "You complete me” in Jerry Maguire, we need to get this sorted.  Can we update this to “You complement me”?

​Not as dramatic I know, however we need a healthy level of interdependence and dependence instead. This means you can enjoy your own pursuits, and maintain your own identity. This is the fabulous person you were when you first hooked in your spouse.

 
​Interdependence is a healthy balance of enjoying each other's company and relying on each other. We need to be able to enjoy someone who compliments us when the chips are down. For example, when unwell, lost your job, or any of life “hits” that overwhelm us. That is the most beautiful part of a relationship where you can enjoy your partner to help support you…. not complete you.

​It is my job to be the best version of me. It is my responsibility to stay healthy and be as close to, or even better than the person my partner met.   I strongly encourage couples to make sure that they don't assume that their partner is going to be their self-esteem and continually tell them how amazing they are for the duration of the relationship. Whilst words of affirmation are a lovely form of love language, it is not your partner’s role to be your self-esteem booster. This is your responsibility.