​Physical intimacy in marriage - the source of so much joy and frustration for so many couples. It's easy to feel alone and rejected when your partner doesn't seem interested in physical intimacy. It can also leave you lugging around a guilt suitcase when the demands of your day don’t travel in the same direction as your partner’s Libido Love Land. 

Let's start with the frequent experiences of loneliness, frustration, and rejection. It's interesting how some chaps often eventually throw in the towel, steering clear of the rejection whirlpool to dodge the 'no' torpedo. On the flip side, ladies grapple with the whole 'not fitting the 'ideal' mould' conundrum, jousting with rejection on the battlefield of looks.

Contributing factors can include:

- Body image struggles that tend to affect more women than men when dimming the lights becomes a prerequisite for any romantic encounter.

- Exhaustion is another pesky problem that can affect physical intimacy, as is the topic of boredom with the same sex routine.

- Work commitments where long hours or shiftwork can turn couples into “passing ships in the night”.

- Children. They're wonderful little bundles of joy, but let's face it, they can also be energy zappers. Between the constant demands for attention, the never-ending messes or a taxi service, it's no wonder physical intimacy falls from the priority list.

- A poor approach to conflict can seriously impact physical intimacy. After all, it's hard to feel close to someone when you're constantly arguing or unable to resolve your differences and reconnect in a timely manner.

- Injuries or sickness: if intimacy hurts or you’re incapacitated, it’s a sure-fire way to extinguish the passion party.

How can this important issue for many couples be resolved?

​Instead of getting mad and sad, why not try talking about it? Sure, discussing intimacy and sex can be tricky, but it's important to communicate your feelings and desires with your partner who may even feel the same. You could also play with some euphemisms. For example, instead of saying, "I want to have sex," you could say, "I'd like to engage in some horizontal hustle”. What about “the mattress mambo"? Your challenge today is to improve on my substandard suggestions here.
​

It is a wonderful gift to contribute the best version of yourself, committing to health and wellness for life, however usually unrealistic to be the unwrinkled, trim, and svelte shape you may have flaunted many years ago. Your partner loves you for the whole package, not for what you look like. Embrace your flaws and imperfections, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable. 

You could try getting more sleep, taking a nap during the day or evaluating your respective roles and responsibilities. If all else fails, reach for some coffee beans perfectly positioned next to your bedside table? I can’t guarantee you’ll sleep peacefully afterward though. 

Why not experiment with new positions or introducing sex toys into the mix. It’s usually against the law to get adventurous in public places however the joy of sex is something that should involve feeling comfortable to try new things.

Busy couples often collaborate in the counselling room on scheduling sex like you would any other appointment. Or, if you're feeling particularly risqué, you could try having sex at work (with your partner). Just be sure to lock the door and… that idea did not come from me.

There are ways to handle conflict in a healthy way. You could try practicing active listening or taking a break when things get heated. Or, if all else fails, seek out a marriage expert (aka people like me!) to learn a healthy new approach to ensure your differences launch you toward deeper intimacy. After all, there's nothing like makeup sex to bring a couple closer together. 

Finally, speaking of professional help, cross off a visit to your GP or intimacy expert to explore ways to overcome erectile dysfunction or ladies' intricate equipment matters and the like.

In conclusion, physical intimacy in marriage may not always be a priority, but it is worth constantly working towards it. With a little bit of humour, communication, and creativity, you can overcome any obstacle that comes your way. So, embrace the ups and downs of marriage, and remember to always keep the spark alive.

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

Stuck for ideas? Purchase Jo's  Intimacy Inspirations Card Deck on sale for Spring.

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​Dare to revisit some of your biggest blunders or crazy arguments in your relationship. Did any occur when one or both of you were under the influence of alcohol? Have you or your partner ever been busted watching porn and what was the reaction? 

Particularly in Australia, it is widely accepted that alcohol is a mandatory aspect of celebrating, de-stressing or basically, it’s just what we do! It is often used as a scapegoat for, “Oh well, I can’t remember” or, “I didn’t mean to say that - I was just drunk.” Does alcohol cause you or your partner to be more sensitive, irrational, defensive or even aggressive during your discussions? It does affect our social interaction even when drinking moderately. A way too large of a proportion of my couple work involves a drinking addiction unveiled by one or both people. Many agree that if alcohol wasn’t featured, they wouldn't even be in relationship therapy.

In my book, Renovate Your Relationship, I also discuss the benefits of consulting with your partner about the use of pornography. Both partners’ values and views need to be explored. We are all well aware this current generation is exposed to and desensitised to graphic sexual acts on average at aged 12. No wonder the wave of early-onset erectile dysfunction (when males are unable to become aroused with their partner unless viewing hardcore videos at the same time on their handheld device). It naturally then can attribute to the fracture in their relationship. Not to mention, the loneliness attributed to countless hours of lost time when one is consumed thinking about porn and unable to be emotionally present with loved ones. Good on theFrench who are moving toward legislation to oblige pornography sites to effectively control the age of viewers on their sites this year.

Recent research confirms that those who either compulsively or curiously use pornography, find they are much happier and healthier without it. 

Whilst, it is worth seeing an addiction therapist to receive essential support, here are some helpful approaches to interrupt the unhealthy patterns that inhibit your relationship

1. Find out what is the root cause of your addiction? Family cultures or poor friendship influences can desensitise you to unhealthy behaviours. Are you filling a chasm or sense of rejection from important caregivers from your childhood or previous relationships?
2. Decide WHY you need to lose the addiction. Write up and display somewhere visually the top 3 reasons why this cannot be a controlling element in your life. “I’ll feel better” won’t stick. Is it more like, “I could lose my marriage”, packs a little more punch? Revisit your WHY or it’ll easily be forgotten when you are tempted.
3. Assess your triggers. Does a stressful day guarantee you will launch into your quick self-medication addictive habit of choice? Is it social media that needs to be deleted from your phone for a time? Do you drive a certain route that connects you to your drinking habit? Do you have certain items in your home that need to be removed such as certain bottles, tumblers, tissues etc that are handy implements to make your habit convenient? Remove them from your sight or home.
4. Create an Insurance Plan for the next temptation. What actions will you put in place that have you one step ahead? Here are just a few: Books, podcasts, mindful meditation, writing journals, ice baths, box breathing exercises, leaving the location or room where you’re tempted at that moment, Drop for some high intense movement such as burpees!

​

5. Replacement: What new activity can you replace the endorphin hit such as daily gym work, running, learning a new skill, or attending a new class that also starts to build your new life?

6. Socialise: ensure you have connectivity with the community either through support groups to gain warmth, empathy and acceptance from others. 

Read more on my previous blogs on this topic: 
The Risk Of Being Too Risque
Physical Distancing and Pornogrpahy
 
Other helpful resources:
Your Brain on Porn: Gary Wilson
Helpful Podcasts on Porn and Sex Addiction
Quit Like A Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Society Obsessed with Alcohol Holly Whittaker
The Easy Way to Stop Drinking: Allen Carr

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

Photo by Sara Ben Aziza on Unsplash

​I’m certainly not one to encourage peering into life’s revision mirror for too long, however it is worth giving yourself some recognition for making it through the recent years we have endured. Now that you’ve patted yourself on the back, let’s take a look at yourself and check you’re not making the 7th top relationship mistake I notice in the couple’s therapy room.

It’s not very often when we can reflect back on an event in world history that has affected everyone on the planet in some way. I am sure most of us have not arrived to 2023 without being unscathed in some manner by (a word we are all tired of hearing), the pandemic.

Have you overlooked any lingering effect on your mental health and how you now show up in your relationship?

You are encouraged to circle back to self-reflect using the prompts at No #5 of this blog series. In the meantime,  why not just take a moment to consider all those important aspects of you that your partner was first attracted to? Do you still offer those same characteristics now? 

What self-nurture is required to help get back to the best version of you?
​
You could even evaluate the quality of your connection by asking yourself these thoughtful questions often used in PACT Therapy designed to encourage emotional safety in your relationship:

1. What are a few things which make my partner vulnerable?
2. What are helpful things I can say or do to help soothe my partner’s vulnerabilities?
3. What are a few things that make my partner feel loved and good about themself?
4. What does my partner need for me to do, or to hear from me that no one else would ever say or do?

Enjoy gifting your partner with these thoughtful actions or words as a result. They might even reciprocate!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 
 
 
Photo by Jeffrey Grospe 

Take out today’s to-do list and scan it for where the people you care most about are listed. 

Not there?

I agree with you. Your wife, husband, partner, children, grandparents, grandchildren and bestie don’t need to go on the list as they’re always there.

But are they?

It’s fair enough that the following elements of life’s journey take priority at times: 

• newborns and growing hungry, noisy children that then need to be driven everywhere!
• earning the big bucks to retire early, or just trying to stay afloat to keep the family alive
• caring for elderly family members
• refining your abs, or just trying to knock off a few kgs

…. The list goes on!

A common theme faced by couples in my counselling room include the well-dressed power couple in their early 40’s, Valma and Brett. They’ve both previously been married and share custody of their combined number of four children aged between four and sixteen. They arrive with difficulties navigating co-parenting, finding quality time together and managing conflict.

It is natural for such couples to profess, “My children will always come first to me”. There’s nothing wrong with this, however, your primary relationship with your partner is that which nurtures and supports you the most, and ultimately helps you be a better parent. Whilst each child in your family may feature specific challenges that require attention, blended families fare better when the couple relationship is prioritised which avoids unnecessary alliances. The couple back each other, have shared resources and find clarity in who disciplines who and when etc. Having a safe emotional foundation from which each partner can rely in the tough role as a parent is fundamental!

Of course, this applies to parents of all types of families.

Putting your relationship first is a daily intention that does not necessarily mean hard work! Talk with your partner about maintaining the health of your bond. Prioritising your relationship’s well-being will give you both more strength to tend to the needs of your business, children and everything else.

Some will say, “All my long hours at work are for my family.” It sure is a swing versus a work/life balance.  Ensure this belief is not tied to your identity. This can result in losing those special to you whilst focussing only on the things you can see such as your money and defining those muscles at the gym.

The emotional safety from your intimate partnership and the love and support from your family and buddies provide the launch pad to your success! 
​

​Joanne Wilson is the facilitator of the Relationship Rejuvenator online mini-courses and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

The 10-Day Relationship Recharge is back by popular demand and open now for registration!

​Photo by Donald Giannatti on Unsplash

​What is the one major common denominator I notice that inhibits a healthy approach to conflict?
 
Humans. Yes – you.
 
Confronting, right? Rarely do we have the headspace to point the finger at ourselves when it comes to arguments with our partners.
 
Why?
 
Whilst I am sure you are wonderfully unique, kind and fabulous like me, our human nature includes an inherent self-serving bias to get our own way. It also inhibits our ability to consider another person’s reasonable or wild and ridiculously different perspective to our own. Yes, that’s right, our spouse is allowed to disagree with us.
 
Firstly, time for some self-examination. This requires checking your self-worth, self-assurance, and self-determination. How is your self-image? Do you have high self-esteem? Is there a healthy level of self-love?
 
Why all the self-reflection?
 
Because therein lies your ability to bravely delve into the criticism of others, particularly your “chosen one”. Yes, the one you decided to pair up with for the long-term for richer or poorer.

When you doubt yourself, find it hard to love yourself or even loathe yourself, self-defensiveness will dominate and disable your ability to (here’s the big one…) seek further information about any constructive feedback, criticism or (here’s the bigger one…) a completely different opinion than yours!
 
The greatest goal for a relationship counsellor is to coach couples in the fine art of delivering feedback in a non-blaming way for it to be received that way. This is super tricky when my clients don’t even like themselves, let alone each other.
 
When your self-esteem is so low and you are feeling so down on yourself, you are extremely sensitive to criticism or feedback of any time, of any type. It is difficult for you to lean in and ask questions to clarify what your partner is trying to tell you. Whilst you can blame your partner for denigrating any sense of confidence, the responsibility lies with you knowing what you deserve.
 
Self-criticism fosters self-defence and self-justification. These are not ingredients to support a healthy approach to conflict.  The basic framework is:

• Hear something you don't like?
• Lean in, respectfully ask a question
• Seek clarification.
  

Who on earth would want to know more about how you are going about things the wrong way? Not me either, however it is worth it because that is what living with other humans is all about.
 
It is a tough phase in the year when we are all feeling a little worn down by the recent few years. Despite seeing the flags marking the finish line for the end of the year, many are “flagging”!
​

 
What to do?
 
Self-worth: I urge and encourage you to nurture you. Carve out time for self-compassion every day. Just a moment of peace, of relaxation or exercise or all of that! Whatever gives your soul some respite for you to bravely surge forward, particularly during the differences with your partner so you can respectfully turn toward them in the face of adversity to learn and grow together .
 
1. What are two activities you can engage or re-engage in just for you this week? (If you have children, what level of self-love to they deserve being mentored by?)

Self-control for self-regulation: Anticipate that your emotions will be triggered during conflict.

2. What two strategies can you plan that you will employ when you notice your heartbeat rise during your next conflict that helps you pause and respond versus react in ways you will regret? Is it meditation, breathing, skipping, nurturing self-talk? 

Any improvements about the self, require self-determination so get to it!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

​Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

We've all heard that "Jealousy is a curse"! You may have also read that "Envy is the art of counting another's blessings instead of your own." 

How about this one?
 "A flower never thinks of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms".

Jealousy wilts your relationships.

The most well known form of jealousy is the sense of rivalry and suspicion. The unpleasant apprehension of infidelity.

Interestingly, what I commonly notice amongst couples I work with is their envy of each other's:
- amount of spare time
- natural talent and skills
- advantageous upbringing
- self esteem
- earning capacity
- easier work life with greater pay?

Any of these examples evident in your garden of love?  Do you notice any resentment infiltrating your relationship, causing it to wither and potentially die?

If so, although often unpleasant, be grateful as these emotions are a gift!

Uncomfortable feelings as a result of jealousy are a clue or "alert button" to what is really going on such as:
-  fear,
- comparison
- stress
- insecurity?

For example, do you long to have the trusting close friendships your partner enjoys? Why not explore the associated emotions? Is it an invitation to courageously entertain the idea of being vulnerable to make new friends for a support network of your own?

Maybe you wish you had as much downtime your partner has? Do you need to have a respectful discussion around roles and responsibilities and any feelings of being "ripped off" or "worn down"?

Why not direct feelings of envy or jealousy into motivation and change toward a blazing and colourful landscape with no regrets.  Don't let it choke you and your relationship.

Use it for a driving force!  Give yourself the permission to unpack jealousy with curiosity. Start trail blazing alongside your life partner and stand proudly alongside all the other tall poppies. That's what you deserve.

TIME FOR A MUCH NEEDED POSITIVE INJECTION INTO YOU RELATIONSHIP? The much loved, 10-Day Relationship Recharge is back.  If your relationship isn’t working for you, don’t give up on it yet!  I can help you find that elusive spark, communicate better and rediscover the intimacy you crave in just 10 days. And the best part? You can do this without your partner! (You can of course do it together if you’d like). LEARN MORE.

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

​Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

Jane and Mark are great communicators.

Their lifestyle is organised, structured and fun for their four children all under 14 years old. Despite Mark working full time and Jane part-time, all children enjoy at least two activities outside school hours each week. One child has special needs and attends additional therapies. Despite this, their lifestyle ticks along extremely well. Jane and Mark have rarely argued throughout their 16-year marriage.

Why then, were they in my counselling room?

Gorgeous and articulate Jane described her painful feelings of disconnection and loneliness. Mark bravely recounted his continual disappointed with the lack of intimacy in the bedroom. Together, we unveiled that their communication was lacking depth and intimacy.

The team at Focus on the Family recently alerted me to the very apt term, “In-too-me-see” by Erwin Raphael McManus.

We long to be truly “seen”. Real intimacy makes us feel alive. We love being talked to, not at. We flourish when spoken to in a respectful, kind and caring tone - even when we disagree. It is such a gift when our partner takes the time to ask questions for clarification to help us truly understand ourselves and ask for what we need.
​
Meaningful communication also includes being courageously vulnerable to push beyond past hurts to reveal what is really going on? 

Do you allow your partner in?
​
I collaborated with Jane and Mark who:

• Became timely with their communication to be honest with their feelings of frustration, sadness, or desires.
• Intentionally set aside 15 minutes per day (each and every day) without interruptions.
• Established stricter boundaries to avoid prioritising the children over their own couple needs.

​They found excitement and passion to be doing life not just alongside each other but entwined! They now take the time to peer into the depths of each other’s soul to really see each other there.
 
Celebrate Marriage Week with me on Saturday 18 September at a free webinar discussing, “Intimacy is not just physical” with Kate and Brett Ryan of Focus on the Family.

​Secure your spot  HERE.

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more on her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

​Photo by Anh Henry Nguyen on Unsplash

Have you ever struggled to comprehend or accept your partner’s previous life before you? Maybe they can’t handle your horrible histories?

​Welcome to Part 2 of my Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes Series. Here are some particularly challenging topics I’ve noticed when you can’t get past your spouse’s past:

They’ve:​

• - lied or covered up mistakes from their family, friends or previous partner
• - cheated on people
• - had more sexual partners than you'd have preferred
• - retained very close associations with their previous partner’s family or friends

Questions you might naturally ask yourself:

• Are they a better lover than me?
• Will they leave me or lie to me like they’ve done before?
• Will they repeat past behaviours as they still mix with the same friends?

 ​

10 successful tips that have helped couples I've worked with overcoming the demons of their past:

1. Slow down dating habits. Get to know your partner by shared experiences, holidays with a few stressful moments along the way to see how you respond as a team together.
2. Observe your partner’s habitat. From which environment were they raised? Was it healthy, connected and loving or neglectful and abusive? This may contribute to their behaviours today.
3. Consider if your partner was/is self-medicating for? Do they use alcohol and drugs to numb any emotional pain or trauma? Have they shown personal growth and tenacity to overcome this?
4. Do they display sincere remorse and empathy for any previous cheating behaviours?
5. Consider if your retroactive jealousy stems from insecurity, low self-worth and a sense of inadequacy? Do you compare yourself to them?
6. Employ healthy boundaries around the family, friends or children of your partner. These people may be in your life for a very long time so expressing kindness and respect to the situation is beneficial for all.
7. Repress = obsess! Avoid bottling in your concerns so you're less likely to be obsessing over them. Be vulnerable to share your worries with your partner and ask for validation.
8. Intentionally use the power of your mind to overcome toxic thoughts to release forgiveness for yourself for your past. Harness ruminating unhelpful thought patterns either with a therapist or research effective strategies yourself.
9. Consider if you are overlooking that you too have a past?
10. Remember there is a reason why there is a past.... so you can enjoy a future together! 

 
Don’t forget to check out Jo's Facebook Lives on Relationship Rehab with Jo to inject some relational inspirations into your week!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her latest relationships mini-course intake at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Early-bird pricing concludes 21 August 2021.

​Welcome to the “Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes” series as noticed in the counselling room. You are welcome to enjoy this also from personal experience as a married relationship therapist who is living and breathing the wondrous relationship reality!
 
Not only have I made many of these mistakes myself, but it is helpful to be reminded that we have our “best attempts to cope” with relationship situations, and I believe we are not inherently mean! 

This series does not include malicious behaviours such as narcissism or those that result in abuse from being under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Whilst these are massive mistakes, this series reflects those common errors that undermine great relationship dynamics. 
 
To kick off this series, let’s go with a so very important topic:

Leaving it to one person to initiate Intimacy. The focus here is not just sex, but touch of any form such as cuddles, rubs, cute little slaps, tickles – any form of physical connection!
 
Stereotypes would assume that blokes will always be the one to initiate sex, however this truly isn’t the case. There are thousands of libidinous females out there who long for the touch of their partner and for all sorts of reasons aren’t able to enjoy this.
 
For either sex, when it is always left to them to physically reach out for love, it eventually results in rejection, then even symptoms of grief.
 
The beautiful dialogues that I have the privilege of hearing in the counselling room, include the sense of vulnerability, fulfillment, heightened sense of masculinity or femininity that results when there is mutual and consensual enjoyment through intimacy.
 
Unless it is otherwise arranged, why not check in with your partner on their level of fulfillment on who is kicking things off in the bedroom, the kitchen or wherever is a good place for you to enjoy contact?

Take this chance to enjoy a healthy conversation on:
- What does sexual fulfillment mean?
- In their opinion, who usually initiates intimacy?
- What flirtatious activities do you appreciate outside the bedroom?
- What's on your Intimacy Wish List?
 
Check out this series on my Instagram TV channel  and the Podcast!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash