​Kissing is awesome (according to me) and there are so many reasons to talk about it:

• Christmas is on the way (and the accompanying mistletoe).
• It could change your life in a moment (like that movie, “Sliding Doors”!)

Let’s start with the basics!

Why do we kiss each other? The short un-scientific answer is we have no idea! The long answer is that we have no idea because not every culture and society on Earth does it. Nobody has a definitive answer about why it’s something we’d even start doing to begin with.
 
We do have a lot of ideas about why we kiss people and I’m sure you’re thinking of a few. It’s important to note that some cultures, particularly more “primitive” ones, find the practice strange and, in some cases, downright unpleasant.

We can assume therefore that kissing isn’t something ingrained in human behaviour; it’s very much a social construct and different between different cultures.
 
From what I’ve researched about kissing, here are some of the top reasons scientists think we kiss:

• Data collection: Your face and mouth are just full of sensory information. And I’m not just talking about taste buds. Our mouths carry all sorts of data about our health and hygiene. During the act of kissing, we share genetic and immunological information information and measure up our potential partners on a deeply biological level. How … sexy?
• Psychological signaling:  Kissing does add the extra senses of taste and smell that contributes to physical intimacy. Not only does it increase closeness but establishes openness and trust. It’s a physical signal saying “I really, really like you, let’s do this.” (Alternatively, it can hint of quite the opposite and you’ll save yourself a few wasted years if you ignore it!)
• Preserving the relationship: the kiss is an expression of intimacy and a means of sustaining and enhancing feelings.
• Seduction: It would be fairly obvious to say that the more penetrative tongue kiss simulates potential activity down the track and… you get the idea.

 
No wonder that kid was so worried about seeing “Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Underneath The Christmas Tree.”
 
It releases a whole heap of chemicals related to making us feel good and encourage bonding. Kissing has much the same effect, releasing such love drugs as oxytocin and producing the same reactions.
 
Where does this (non-Australian) Mistletoe come into it? It’s actually an old tradition dating back to Celt and Norse mythology. In one Norse tale, the son of the goddess, Frigga was killed by an arrow made out of mistletoe. Frigga was so distraught, her tears turned into white berries that coated the plant symbolizing her love for her lost son.
 
She was so impressed by her white tear-berries, that she blessed the plant and promised a kiss to anyone who passed under the plant from that day on. We kiss under mistletoe because a goddess was so happy that she cried tear-berries after her son died that she promised everyone a kiss?
 
Ancient mythological tales are… interesting.  
 
There are other Norse stories about a guy called Loki who deceived a blind God into murdering another God with an arrow made of Mistletoe, being the only plant to which he was vulnerable. Somehow then Mistletoe became a symbol of peace and friendship to appease for its part in the murder.
 
Some traditions then developed into a men being allowed to kiss any woman standing underneath mistletoe, and that bad luck would befall any woman who refused the kiss.
 
Mistletoe is a terrifying, parasitic plant that murders trees and produces poisonous white berries (that look red in all the pictures) and should not be eaten under any circumstances. How anyone decided this was a plant to symbolise love and affection is anyone’s guess. No - it’s not native to Australia. We have enough petrifying flora and fauna without having to worry about poisonous parasitic tree-killing weeds.
 
For a truly enjoyable Aussie Christmas, I suggest substituting the mistletoe for a gum leaf. At least they’re more therapeutic and friendly.  

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Oh, the joys and pitfalls of the workplace Christmas party. Do you go to yours? If you’re in a relationship, I’m wondering how you feel about your spouse’s Christmas party?

Some don’t include partners, so do you happily send them off awaiting their tipple topple return wearing their best Christmas sweater rashie in the wee hours? Do you become anxious about the gin fuelled possibilities that may have caused much angst last year when you had no idea where they were? Is the busty, blonde bombshell your boyfriend sits next to each day going to be there this year? What about that muscly guy from the Sales department that seems all too caring and chatty with your partner? It comes up all too frequently in relationship counselling.
 
Whilst it would be fabulous the Christmas season be a time of calm, connectedness and reflection, it often spirals into some sort of tangled string of festive flashing chaos of lights doused with alcohol.
 
Thanks to your local friendly relationship specialist, I’m here to support you through what can be a fearfully unwelcome phase of unrest. Here is your “Festive Insurance Plan” to ensure you continue to remain in joyous jingle bells tune with your partner:

1. Be E.T: Phone home! Obvious I know, but regularly dial in to your partner and let them know you thought of them these coming weeks. It’s likely you think of them frequently during your day, so tell them! Alternatively, use all those tricky apps on your phone to forward a funny pic, emoji or a simple text. Amp up the contact like no other month in your year to stay in sync.
2. Anticipate worry: You might not want to interrupt your fabulous time at barefoot bowls in your Santa hat, green and red fishnet stockings, but have you updated home base? How do they know for sure you haven’t been kidnapped by Santa’s elves or got stuck in a chimney? Are there colleagues of concern that either of you need to be reassured about? If you’re both at an event, can you regularly convey some attentiveness with a quick pat and a chat?
3. Trust: Do you need to be reminded of the solid foundation of trust your relationship is built on? Consider if you’ve ever had cause to concern not to trust your partner? Could it be a hang-up from previous relationships or family of origin?
4. Use questions for closeness: Build on your “love map” as you journey through the month of Christmas with such topics as:

• What about this relationship brings you the most joy?
• Name the best gift I’ve ever bought you?
• How can I be a gift to you this Christmas season? (I can’t wait to hear of the answers you’ll get for this one!)

 
In summary, be regularly present with even a few minutes of time with your partner amongst all the distractions of screens, places to be and things to buy. Use these moments to engage with deeper questions for closeness. Be open to the possibilities of their responses and gift them with emotional attentiveness. Communicate your faith in the relationship and have a jolly good time!

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

​Only those who trust, can find love and happiness. And only those who love, can be betrayed. Welcome to the final article of my four-part series on infidelity which featured:

1. What counts as infidelity?
2. Myths and why do people do it?
3. Pornography and affairs

Today, what to do if you find yourself or your partner in one. Will you ever recover together or apart?

The effect of an affair can be similar to the grief associated with death. It’s important to realise the common repercussions for both partners:

• Intense emotional dysregulation: For the unsuspecting “injured” partner, any sense of security and safety has been shattered.
• Both partners can experience feelings such as hurt, anger, fear, disgust, sadness, shame and guilt.

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• Symptoms of depression, grief and anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Alcohol and other substance use.
• Suicide attempts/completion.
• Physical health problems.
• Skewed assumptions, beliefs and meaning of life are changed forever. For example, “I thought I could trust you. Now, I don’t trust you anymore and I don’t trust anybody else either.”
• Injured partners often have intrusive memories, flashbacks and can alternate between feeling numb and becoming hyper aroused and accusatory.

It is not catastrophising to note that discovering an affair creates a crisis! It is a devastating threat to your partner’s security and attachment needs. Consider the extreme emotional adversity and vulnerability from isolation and separation in the events of miscarriage, death, and life-threatening illnesses. This is not dissimilar.

What now? Like many of these extreme events, couples can recover when there is demonstrated commitment toward remorse and forgiveness. It usually commences with understanding who the betrayer sought to “become” and what needs they yearned to fulfil?

A usual pitfall for couples in recovery is for the betrayer to downplay what has happened in their efforts to repress any shame and guilt. This causes the injured partner to repeat questions and concerns all again with more fervour. It creates a painful cycle that traps them in isolation and pain.
Some of the demonstrated commitment includes acknowledgement that a primary relationship rule has been broken. A focus on transparency, patience, reassurance and validation to repair the broken trust is required. It can take up to three years for trust to be re-established. In therapy, we collaborate on skills to manage flash-backs, obsessions and triggers and talk about the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness.
​
Importantly, affair recovery recognises the needs of both partners, their longings and desires versus repeated shame for the betrayer. The greatest outcome is that couples build a stronger, shiny new and improved city of a relationship, far better than the one that was rocked in the earthquake of the affair. If couples decide to part, it is so important to unveil any resulting skewed beliefs about themselves or trusting others that can inhibit future relationships.

May I highlight that it’s so fun to get fun and flirty in the Christmas season. It is my hope that this series has provided a warning as to the consequences when you’re doing it with the wrong person! Missed the first part of the series? Head to the blog on my website. Listen in to radio Salt 106.5 each Friday morning before 9am for my weekly chat on these articles.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.