Blog Archives

Winter Intimacy Revival Techniques...

18/5/2020

Australians in many states can enjoy a glorious winter but we may still withdraw a little from the chill, find it harder to exercise and feel more irritable. Our lips get dry and cracked and so can our relationships. You may have started the year with the intention to give your relationship another big shot and rekindle the connection, then found it further strained throughout social isolation. As we approach mid-year, maybe you’re both on the downward spiral and bogged down.

Whilst this one is more for the ladies, I know you blokes will sneek a peek. So gals, here are your winter intimacy revival techniques you’ll love and could well loathe:

Indulge in you first! Make a list of 20 things that delight you. Carve out time to do three things in the next week and be responsible for achieving them. Focus on your own desires as it's not your man’s job to make you happy. Entertain the ideas of your list of "I want..." Instead of why you can't or it won't work. You absolutely can overcome resistance or fear as to why it's impossible.
Express your desires to your partner in the way that inspires. "I would love it if..." Take out the "you"...
Girl chat. Call a trusted friend who can also support your own desires. Feedback in the Counselling room is us girls generally have too many words a bloke can bear. Share them around!
Consider the first three things you think about your husband when asked to describe him and it will give an indication of your approach to your relationship.
A man needs respect like he needs oxygen. Restore respect with an apology. Act as if you respect your spouse even if you don't feel it right now. Fake it til you make it! He’s quite likely a great guy because you wouldn’t have chosen him in the first place.
Helpful in wife language can be critical in man language. Consider what is the outcome you want? A wife expressing her desires is always more powerful than debating or disagreeing with his thinking which can be disrespectful. You can listen to your spouse without agreeing or disagreeing for a moment. Just be an attentive listener.
Know where you end and where you husband begins and act accordingly. Do you need to relinquish some control and say, “yes to yourself” then stop doing things for him he could easily do himself?
Consider your marriage as a wonderful "Self-Improvement" project. It’s much like a mirror and an accurate reflection of the energy you provide to your spouse’s environment.

via GIPHY

Shift your focus from what you don’t like to what you do! What you focus on attracts more. Express gratitude three times a day to your husband from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
During conflict, use “Ouch” to convey your hurt and diffuse your reactive torrent of words with this one word!
Affirm what you want to experience instead of what might be your current reality. What will your “Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy Be?”.
Consider getting out of that vehicle of contemplating separating or divorce that you’re bogged down in and lead the relationship in a positive and proactive way. You then have some peace you at least gave your 100% before you choose which road you’ll take.

With thanks to Laura Doyle for some great concepts gleaned from her contribution to relationship therapy.

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these Sunshine Coast Daily articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

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One word that can fix your relationships...

5/5/2020

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It's likely I'm going to be one someday, so have shelved the Mother-In-Law jokes this week as Part two of “What to do about my partner’s strange friends and family?” - in preparation for Mother’s Day next week.

Last week I touched on the myriad of ways these “free gift with purchase” people with your spouse can infiltrate your love nest causing bitterness and resentment. Speaking of FREE, keep reading to ensure you get the free unique Mother's Day gift with a difference.

Firstly, let’s assume that anyone unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well.

Many find they’ve built themselves a quiet place inside their imaginary cave as a last resort to coping. (Social distancing also won’t go on forever!) Others are still feisty and will attack any outsiders who may compromise the new family culture they’re trying to create. Thankfully, you now have my tips using an acronym from the word RESPECT:

Respect: Everyone deserves it and so do you. You’re likely different from your in-laws and it’s important to respect the parents of the spouse you’ve chosen to love who made them. How much is healthy to be involved is another thing.

Establish boundaries that support your new family culture. You are your partner can decide what are the best and worst parts of your respective up-bringing you’d like to bring to your own new family culture.

Set the benchmark for those aspects of your life you’re unable to compromise on. This allows you to be more patient and flexible to accept the differences in other areas. What a beautiful gift to your partner to integrate their traditions or funny quirks into your lives for comfort and familiarity. Can you try and replicate that chocolate pudding for your husband his mother used to lovingly make?

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Prepare yourself for all the making up for lost time visits and holidays together following the pandemic. Evaluate your self-talk to ensure it is loving and kind. If you’re already ruminating over their negative behaviours, past hurts and plotting revenge, it won’t take much for you react less than favourably. Hurling your glass of red wine at your wife’s best friend at their wedding will be something you’ll regret.

Enjoy them! Again, you’ve bought into this relationship and will invest favourably for long term return if you make it your business to find something to like about them. What fascinating differences can you learn more about and appreciate?

Champion admirable behaviour and skip the constant judgement. It’s exhausting and taxing on your mental health. Your spouse’s friends and family may not have table manners, the courtesy to call before they drop-in, know when to stop drinking and the list goes on. Instead of cutting them out of your life, can you consistently mentor your values and teach your children? Maybe it’ll catch on?

Take steps to forgive! Unforgiveness of their wrongs holds you in a vice-like grip of toxic stress due to consistent high levels of cortisol in your body – even if you don’t realise it. Who wants to die young because of their Mother in Law?

Here's my thoughtful gift idea FREE for you to download. It's a beautiful list of prompts to deepen your knowledge of your Mum - "Legacy of Love Questions for Mother's Day". She can complete them together with you or just send them in her own time. Hey Dads! Roll up the print-out and gift on behalf of small children. If you're a Mother, print and gift them your inner thoughts, desires and history!

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

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How To Cope With Free Gifts With Purchase: Your In-Laws

5/5/2020

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I haven't spoken to the mother-in-law for six months now ... apparently, it's rude to interrupt.”chuckled one of my clients recently. The focus is mothers-in-law as we prepare for Mother’s Day on 10 May in case you need to prepare! I have a FREE thoughtful gift idea so read on for access to that one.

Not just the outlaws but extended family and friends, too and I’m quite sure there are a few relieved people that have found social distancing quite beneficial?

Starry-eyed romantics are often caught unaware after slipping into the love vortex. Clarity is skewed, thanks to oxytocin: the love neurochemical that helps us pair up. Many seal their commitment with a kiss and a ring, only to realise down the marital track there's a whole new group of influencers behind their beloved.

There's Uncle Bert who dropped in unannounced, way too often and your spouse seems incredibly nonplussed. How about your partner's best friend you've never really gelled with from the start? Ever heard of that inappropriate sister-in-law who reveals way too much about your partner's ex? Do you have a father-in-law who unashamedly runs a dictatorship around the money that you've earned? Speaking of your hard-earned coin, how are your stepchildren syphoning that out of your lifestyle?

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Then there's the wedding day - so many expectations for the most wonderful, memorable celebration. It's too often tainted by the bitter sadness of those family members who weren't included enough or managed to bustle their way in with far too much influence. This rather excruciating list could go on.

There are so many challenges when it comes to the "free with purchase” extended family and friends. In my experience, the greatest conflict arises when you feel your partner prioritises them over you.

Relationships become strained during those times you longed for your partner to "have your back”. When you feel as if you need them to protect and nurture you from the opinions or bizarre behaviours of others.

When I say culture, you and your spouse could have been raised in the same street of Buderim and still experience extreme family cultural differences, as if one of you was from Saudi Arabia and the other Tasmania.

What to do?

Watch this space next week when I outline strategies and healthy boundaries around the relationships of partners' family and friends. Oh, and don’t forget to jump online to ensure your Mother In Law’s gift is delivered on time since you might be able to use it’s “against the law” to visit her. For those like me who lucked-in with theirs, make sure you creatively thank them for producing your fine spouse!

Here's my thoughtful gift idea FREE for you to download. It's a beautiful list of ideas to deepen your knowledge of your Mum - "Legacy of Love Questions for Mother's Day".

Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Tune into radio Salt106.5 each Friday morning for her co-host of the Morning Wakeup. Don’t miss more on these articles in her “Is This Love” Podcast and download your FREE relationship resources at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com

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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.

Joanne Wilson

Relationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for face to face sessions including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.