#8 of the Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes: An alcohol or porn addiction undermines your connection

​Dare to revisit some of your biggest blunders or crazy arguments in your relationship. Did any occur when one or both of you were under the influence of alcohol? Have you or your partner ever been busted watching porn and what was the reaction? 

Particularly in Australia, it is widely accepted that alcohol is a mandatory aspect of celebrating, de-stressing or basically, it’s just what we do! It is often used as a scapegoat for, “Oh well, I can’t remember” or, “I didn’t mean to say that - I was just drunk.” Does alcohol cause you or your partner to be more sensitive, irrational, defensive or even aggressive during your discussions? It does affect our social interaction even when drinking moderately. A way too large of a proportion of my couple work involves a drinking addiction unveiled by one or both people. Many agree that if alcohol wasn’t featured, they wouldn't even be in relationship therapy.

In my book, Renovate Your Relationship, I also discuss the benefits of consulting with your partner about the use of pornography. Both partners’ values and views need to be explored. We are all well aware this current generation is exposed to and desensitised to graphic sexual acts on average at aged 12. No wonder the wave of early-onset erectile dysfunction (when males are unable to become aroused with their partner unless viewing hardcore videos at the same time on their handheld device). It naturally then can attribute to the fracture in their relationship. Not to mention, the loneliness attributed to countless hours of lost time when one is consumed thinking about porn and unable to be emotionally present with loved ones. Good on theFrench who are moving toward legislation to oblige pornography sites to effectively control the age of viewers on their sites this year.

Recent research confirms that those who either compulsively or curiously use pornography, find they are much happier and healthier without it. 

Whilst, it is worth seeing an addiction therapist to receive essential support, here are some helpful approaches to interrupt the unhealthy patterns that inhibit your relationship

1. Find out what is the root cause of your addiction? Family cultures or poor friendship influences can desensitise you to unhealthy behaviours. Are you filling a chasm or sense of rejection from important caregivers from your childhood or previous relationships?
2. Decide WHY you need to lose the addiction. Write up and display somewhere visually the top 3 reasons why this cannot be a controlling element in your life. “I’ll feel better” won’t stick. Is it more like, “I could lose my marriage”, packs a little more punch? Revisit your WHY or it’ll easily be forgotten when you are tempted.
3. Assess your triggers. Does a stressful day guarantee you will launch into your quick self-medication addictive habit of choice? Is it social media that needs to be deleted from your phone for a time? Do you drive a certain route that connects you to your drinking habit? Do you have certain items in your home that need to be removed such as certain bottles, tumblers, tissues etc that are handy implements to make your habit convenient? Remove them from your sight or home.
4. Create an Insurance Plan for the next temptation. What actions will you put in place that have you one step ahead? Here are just a few: Books, podcasts, mindful meditation, writing journals, ice baths, box breathing exercises, leaving the location or room where you’re tempted at that moment, Drop for some high intense movement such as burpees!

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5. Replacement: What new activity can you replace the endorphin hit such as daily gym work, running, learning a new skill, or attending a new class that also starts to build your new life?

6. Socialise: ensure you have connectivity with the community either through support groups to gain warmth, empathy and acceptance from others. 

Read more on my previous blogs on this topic: 
The Risk Of Being Too Risque
Physical Distancing and Pornogrpahy
 
Other helpful resources:
Your Brain on Porn: Gary Wilson
Helpful Podcasts on Porn and Sex Addiction
Quit Like A Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Society Obsessed with Alcohol Holly Whittaker
The Easy Way to Stop Drinking: Allen Carr

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her online courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com 

Photo by Sara Ben Aziza on Unsplash