Have you ever struggled to comprehend or accept your partner’s previous life before you? Maybe they can’t handle your horrible histories?

​Welcome to Part 2 of my Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes Series. Here are some particularly challenging topics I’ve noticed when you can’t get past your spouse’s past:

They’ve:​

• - lied or covered up mistakes from their family, friends or previous partner
• - cheated on people
• - had more sexual partners than you'd have preferred
• - retained very close associations with their previous partner’s family or friends

Questions you might naturally ask yourself:

• Are they a better lover than me?
• Will they leave me or lie to me like they’ve done before?
• Will they repeat past behaviours as they still mix with the same friends?

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10 successful tips that have helped couples I've worked with overcoming the demons of their past:

1. Slow down dating habits. Get to know your partner by shared experiences, holidays with a few stressful moments along the way to see how you respond as a team together.
2. Observe your partner’s habitat. From which environment were they raised? Was it healthy, connected and loving or neglectful and abusive? This may contribute to their behaviours today.
3. Consider if your partner was/is self-medicating for? Do they use alcohol and drugs to numb any emotional pain or trauma? Have they shown personal growth and tenacity to overcome this?
4. Do they display sincere remorse and empathy for any previous cheating behaviours?
5. Consider if your retroactive jealousy stems from insecurity, low self-worth and a sense of inadequacy? Do you compare yourself to them?
6. Employ healthy boundaries around the family, friends or children of your partner. These people may be in your life for a very long time so expressing kindness and respect to the situation is beneficial for all.
7. Repress = obsess! Avoid bottling in your concerns so you're less likely to be obsessing over them. Be vulnerable to share your worries with your partner and ask for validation.
8. Intentionally use the power of your mind to overcome toxic thoughts to release forgiveness for yourself for your past. Harness ruminating unhelpful thought patterns either with a therapist or research effective strategies yourself.
9. Consider if you are overlooking that you too have a past?
10. Remember there is a reason why there is a past.... so you can enjoy a future together! 

 
Don’t forget to check out Jo's Facebook Lives on Relationship Rehab with Jo to inject some relational inspirations into your week!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her latest relationships mini-course intake at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Early-bird pricing concludes 21 August 2021.

​Only those who trust, can find love and happiness. And only those who love, can be betrayed. Welcome to the final article of my four-part series on infidelity which featured:

1. What counts as infidelity?
2. Myths and why do people do it?
3. Pornography and affairs

Today, what to do if you find yourself or your partner in one. Will you ever recover together or apart?

The effect of an affair can be similar to the grief associated with death. It’s important to realise the common repercussions for both partners:

• Intense emotional dysregulation: For the unsuspecting “injured” partner, any sense of security and safety has been shattered.
• Both partners can experience feelings such as hurt, anger, fear, disgust, sadness, shame and guilt.

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• Symptoms of depression, grief and anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Alcohol and other substance use.
• Suicide attempts/completion.
• Physical health problems.
• Skewed assumptions, beliefs and meaning of life are changed forever. For example, “I thought I could trust you. Now, I don’t trust you anymore and I don’t trust anybody else either.”
• Injured partners often have intrusive memories, flashbacks and can alternate between feeling numb and becoming hyper aroused and accusatory.

It is not catastrophising to note that discovering an affair creates a crisis! It is a devastating threat to your partner’s security and attachment needs. Consider the extreme emotional adversity and vulnerability from isolation and separation in the events of miscarriage, death, and life-threatening illnesses. This is not dissimilar.

What now? Like many of these extreme events, couples can recover when there is demonstrated commitment toward remorse and forgiveness. It usually commences with understanding who the betrayer sought to “become” and what needs they yearned to fulfil?

A usual pitfall for couples in recovery is for the betrayer to downplay what has happened in their efforts to repress any shame and guilt. This causes the injured partner to repeat questions and concerns all again with more fervour. It creates a painful cycle that traps them in isolation and pain.
Some of the demonstrated commitment includes acknowledgement that a primary relationship rule has been broken. A focus on transparency, patience, reassurance and validation to repair the broken trust is required. It can take up to three years for trust to be re-established. In therapy, we collaborate on skills to manage flash-backs, obsessions and triggers and talk about the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness.
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Importantly, affair recovery recognises the needs of both partners, their longings and desires versus repeated shame for the betrayer. The greatest outcome is that couples build a stronger, shiny new and improved city of a relationship, far better than the one that was rocked in the earthquake of the affair. If couples decide to part, it is so important to unveil any resulting skewed beliefs about themselves or trusting others that can inhibit future relationships.

May I highlight that it’s so fun to get fun and flirty in the Christmas season. It is my hope that this series has provided a warning as to the consequences when you’re doing it with the wrong person! Missed the first part of the series? Head to the blog on my website. Listen in to radio Salt 106.5 each Friday morning before 9am for my weekly chat on these articles.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

We’re up to Part Three of the tribulations of infidelity. Many people ask me if pornography is a contributing cause and is it bad for relationships?
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This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a Relationship Therapist I journey with clients without judgement and respect their opinions and values. With thanks to the contributions on this topic to Clinical Psychologist, Dr Clare Rosoman.

Firstly, here are some interesting statistics from Pornhub. It is a pornographic video sharing website and stated to be the largest pornography site but certainly not the only one on the Internet:

• Their site attracted a total of 28.5 billion visitors in 2017 (around 81 million a day).
• United States was the top country by traffic. Australia maintained eighth place (in the face of adversity of our ridiculously slow internet speed!).
• The breakdown of age groups are:
• 18-24: 30 percent
• 25-34: 28 percent
• 35-44: 18 percent
• 45-54: 13 percent
• 55-64: 7 percent
• 65+: 4 percent
• Female users make up 26% of worldwide Pornhub traffic (Australian women make up 28% of our users.)
• Most frequent time for viewing is between 10pm and 1am. The most popular day is Sunday and least popular is Friday.
• The average length of viewing time worldwide is about 10 minutes however this doesn’t account for the number of times per day.
• It’s a big profitable business! Overall revenue is thought to be $13 billion. Australian revenue is estimated at $2 billion.

According to researchers Paul & Shim, four main reasons they stated in 2008 for using it are:

1. Fantasy: Sexual excitement, satisfaction, curiosity, exploration and anonymity
2. Mood management: emotional regulation, stress relief, escapism
3. Habitual use: habit and convenience
4. Relationship: enhancement, skills, novelty

Some of the common outcomes from pornography use for those in a relationship are:

• Feelings of internal conflict such as shame, depression, anxiety and irritability.
• Social withdrawal and guilt over the financial outlay.
• With frequency, pornography can normalise and desensitise associated behaviours that lead to the pursuit of another person and possible affair. In my experience, the partner not involved in the pornography may view it as a betrayal to the relationship. Not only can the partner feel sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use but find certain new sexual activities objectionable. A new “sexual script” can be introduced and not welcomed.
• Risqué images can start as entertainment, may escalate to compulsions then distorted beliefs, expectations and addictions. The user faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography. They can lose interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with their partner.
• Emotional closeness wanes due to decrease in trust and pornography can be associated with dishonesty.

Is there any benefit for relationships? Some studies say it is not harmful and positive whilst others say it is detrimental. The difference lies in how the questions are asked and who you ask. For example, people in casual relationships are far less likely to have a problem with it than those in long term relationships who have built a life together.

Research has found that mutual use of porn was related to lower levels of distress but unrelated to relationship satisfaction in women. Some say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction. Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone.

Consistent results across studies show the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female which lowers her relationship satisfaction reduces positive communication, creates instability, more relational aggression and lower female sexual desire.

In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com

​I’m tackling the tricky topic of affairs in this four-part series. Last week I covered what can be defined as an affair? Today I’m writing about why people do it? Firstly, here are a few myths thanks to  recommended author, Dr Shirley Glass and the Relationship Institute Australasia:
The Soul Mate Myth: Attraction to someone else means that your spouse is not the right person. (Being attracted to or admiring someone means you’re breathing!)
Affairs only happen to people with marriage problems: (They can occur in happy marriages however more likely the unintentional consequence of attraction, opportunity, failure to follow precautions and honour values).
You can’t be friends with people of the opposite sex: (Friends of each partner need to be a friend of the marriage.)
Affairs only happen when you’re not getting enough of what you need: (The spouse who gives too little is at greater risk, as less invested than the spouse who gives too much.)
Why do people find themselves involved in an affair?

• Lack of self-love: Interestingly, offending partners can find themselves in an affair when dissatisfied with themselves. The mirror of fresh new adoring eyes of their new love can provide them with the empowerment to appreciate what they cannot themselves.
• Family of Origin: In my experience, far too many couples recovering from affairs in my Counselling room are the result of this featured in their family of origin, such as parents or grandparents. We can’t underestimate the value of the legacy we leave for the next generation.
• Lack of nurture: An affair can be an indication of the need to escape not being listened to. For particularly women, it is often a lack of emotional connection and nurture. Dale Carnegie summed it up when he said, “The sound of a person’s name is like music to their ears.” In my opinion, a symphony of two hearts united is performed from the gift of attentiveness.
• Starving ego:  Some can become addicted to getting high on the heightened physical and emotional rush with a new person.
• Revenge: for mistreatment and finally giving up.
• Lack of intimacy: Intimacy is impacted by the ebb and flow of life’s demands and the incompatibility of a couple’s libido. Despite this, making time for regular sex is paramount.
• Lack of investment in yourself and the relationship: Poor attention to keeping fit, healthy and rested can result in a substandard contribution to the relationship.
• Poor communication: Men can often re-connect physically with sex whilst women usually can’t go there unless unresolved issues are discussed. If they’re never resolved, they gain momentum for the next conflict.
• Alcohol and drug use: Partners may escape from possible violence because of their partner’s dependency or inability to be fully present with each hangover.

Often, it’s the lack of expressing your desires, being validated or acknowledged that fuels the outburst or the cry out in the arms of another person.
Next week: Does pornography lead to affairs?

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com

I’m getting in ahead of the “silly” season of Christmas and New Year. It’s such a fun time when we start celebrating though unfortunately, there are more opportunities for the “silliness” to go too far with regretful consequences. It may well be easier to throw caution to the wind at the time, however acting on feelings harboured throughout the year such as resentment or lust can get you in a right pickle.

For this reason, it’s timely to write about the topic of infidelity. The repercussions impact generations. They cause poor physical health, fuel alcohol and substance abuse, create symptoms for post-traumatic stress disorder and even result in suicide. Many people mistakenly think that infidelity isn’t really infidelity unless there is sexual contact. With special thanks to influencers for this series, Dr Jenny Fitzgerald, Dr Shirley Glass, Dr Sue Johnson, the Relationship Institute Australasia and Esther Perel, here is some clarification on what can be defined as infidelity?

• He/she dominates your thoughts.  You are consumed by thoughts of them when you wake up, when you fall asleep, and mostly anytime in between. Most affairs don’t start with a steamy sex scene, they start in the mind.
• You talk about the difficulties in your current relationship. You may have a few close friends you share your frustrations about your partner with. When you find yourself sharing many of those problems and concerns with this “special person”, you may be crossing the line.
• He/she becomes the first person you call.  How about when you get some exciting news, or you’ve had a dreadful day?  Who do you think to call first, him/her or your partner?
• Contact outside of “friendly” hours.  If you find yourself communicating at questionable hours, this may be a sign.  Most friends don’t text at 2am.
• They “get” you.  When you start to feel like he/she understands you better than your partner, this is a red flag. This usually leads to increased communication with him/her and less communication with your partner.  We are more likely to communicate with someone we feel “gets” us than someone who does not.
• You redirect your time.  If you find yourself finding excuses or creating more reasons to spend time with him/her, this may be a sign.  However, spending more time does not just mean physical time.  If you are spending more time texting, emailing, Snapchatting, Whatsapping, Facetime etc, this may be a sign as well.
• You compare your partner. When talking to your partner, do you think to yourself, “He/she wouldn’t respond like this” or “He/she would be more attentive?”  When out with your partner, do you think, “If I were with him/her, I’d be having more fun?”. This automatically makes him/her the good one and your partner the bad one.
• You lie.  Lying by omission counts. Leaving out details such as meeting him/her for lunch, deleting messages, or you just deny communicating with that person at all is a lie. If you must lie, chances are you have something to hide; and if you have something to hide, you probably know it’s not okay.

 
Coming up in the ensuing weeks are: Why do people do affairs happen? What are the signs to look for? Pornography and affairs. Can you recover from affairs?

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com
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An honour to contribute to the Melbourne Herald Sun in their Saturday feature: 

The public interest on this so very emotional, often devastating and confusing topic continues. Look out for our next supporting related article in our Relationship Hurdles Series.

Online story: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/relationship-affairs-why-people-cheat-on-their-partners/news-story/416fbff85b6999381926b298ea4dede7