Being that I’m likely going to be one someday, I’ve shelved the Mother-In-Law jokes this week as Part two of “What to do about my partner’s strange friends and family?”.
 
Last week I touched on the myriad of ways these “free gift with purchase” people with your spouse can infiltrate your love nest causing bitterness and resentment.
 
Firstly, let’s assume that anyone unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well.
 
Many find they’ve built themselves a quiet place inside their imaginary cave as a last resort to coping. Others are still feisty and will attack any outsiders who may compromise the new family culture they’re trying to create. Thankfully, you now have my tips using an acronym from the word RESPECT:

Respect: Everyone deserves it and so do you. You’re likely different from your in-laws and it’s important to respect the parents of the spouse you’ve chosen to love who made them. How much is healthy to be involved is another thing. 
Establish boundaries that support your new family culture. You are your partner can decide what are the best and worst parts of your respective up-bringing you’d like to bring to your own new family culture.
Set the benchmark for those aspects of your life you’re unable to compromise on. This allows you to be more patient and flexible to accept the differences in other areas. What a beautiful gift to your partner to integrate their traditions or funny quirks into your lives for comfort and familiarity. Can you try and replicate that lasagne for your husband his mother lovingly made?
Prepare yourself for visits and holidays. Evaluate your self-talk to ensure it is loving and kind. If you’re already ruminating over their negative behaviours, past hurts and plotting revenge, it won’t take much for you react less than favourably. Hurling your glass of red wine at your wife’s best friend at their wedding will be something you’ll regret.
Enjoy them! Again, you’ve bought into this relationship and will invest favourably for long term return if you make it your business to find something to like about them. What fascinating differences can you learn more about and appreciate?
Champion admirable behaviour and skip the constant judgement. It’s exhausting and taxing on your mental health. Your spouse’s friends and family may not have table manners, the courtesy to call before they drop-in, know when to stop drinking and the list goes on. Instead of cutting them out of your life, can you consistently mentor your values and teach your children? Maybe it’ll catch on?
Take steps to forgive! Unforgiveness of their wrongs holds you in a vice-like grip of toxic stress due to consistent high levels of cortisol in your body – even if you don’t realise it. Who wants to die young because of their Mother in Law?
 
Listen in for some cheer each Friday for my weekly co-host with Kristian on Salt106.5 between 6am-9am when we take a preview on these articles and much more.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.
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“I really do have a soft spot for my Mother in Law. It’s out in the garden behind the garage.” said one client last week as she chuckled, guiltily.
 
Did you hear about the office administrator that said, “Hey Boss, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?” “Certainly not!” the boss replied. The office guy says, “Thank you so much. I knew you would be understanding.”
 
One last one, “I haven’t spoken to the mother-in-law for six months now… apparently it’s rude to interrupt!”.
 
You guessed it, the focus is your Mother-In-Law. Not just the outlaws, but extended family and friends too.
 
Starry-eyed romantics are often caught unaware having slipped into that love vortex where clarity is skewed thanks to the love neurochemical, oxytocin that helps us pair up. Many seal their commitment with a kiss and a ring to realise down the marital track there’s a whole new group of influencers behind their beloved.
 
There’s Uncle Bert who drops in unannounced way too often and your spouse seems incredibly nonplussed. How about your partner’s best friend you’ve never really gelled with from the start? Ever heard of that inappropriate sister-in-law who reveals way too much about your partner’s ex.
 
Do you have a father-in-law who unashamedly runs a dictatorship around money that you’ve earnt? Speaking of your hard-earnt coin, how are your step-children syphoning that out of your lifestyle?
 
Then there’s the wedding day - so many expectations for the most wonderful, memorable celebration. It’s too often tainted by the bitter sadness of those family members who weren’t included enough or managed to bustle their way in with way too much influence. This rather excruciating list could go on!
 
There are so many challenges when it comes to the “free with purchase” extended family and friends. In my experience, the greatest conflict arises when you feel your partner prioritises them over you. Relationships become strained during those times you longed for your partner to have your “back” when you need them to protect and nurture you from the opinions or bizarre behaviours of others.
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When I say culture, you and your spouse could have been raised in the same street of Buderim and still experience extreme family cultural differences as if one of you was from Saudi Arabia and the other, Tasmania!
 
What to do? Watch this space next week when I outline strategies and healthy boundaries when there’s building resentment around your partner’s family and friends.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Happy Valentine’s Day for Thursday – yawn. I’m not a fan of the commercialised celebration of love so I’m turning the page now. Oh, whoops, I’m the relationships therapist so I’ll write this first!

Before I start, a shout out in Beyonce’ style to all the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies…. Put your hands up. You too fellas. Please don’t wait for someone else to make you feel special this Valentine’s Day. Make yourself feel fabulous and enjoy Thursday with self-indulgence. Buy yourself a treat, wear something remarkable, express your personal style and do whatever makes you happy to celebrate you.

This is also a great reminder for all cosy couples to ensure you’re not relying on your partner to “complete you” and your insecurities with fancy displays of love. I’m a total sucker for flowers and any form romance any day of the week however a healthy contribution to the relationship is founded on a healthy sense of self first. Only then can you enjoy a flourishing and dynamic relationship featuring someone wonderfully matched to the best version of you!

If you’re over the cliché dinner and flowers concept for Valentine’s Day but you’re totally into the notion to profess your love to someone who rocks your world, enjoy my novel ideas to help make it different and memorable:
Brave dining: I’m talking intestines, devilled duck heart, brains and lamb’s heart skewers with chargrilled capsicum. I’m not sure where you’ll find such cuisine here on the coast so this might be a home cooked festival. Wash it all down with some oyster shots and you’ll enjoy the benefit of aphrodisiacs and be packed full of organ meat nutrients, including vitamin B12, folate, iron and protein.
Indoor garden: Who doesn’t like flowers and plants to enhance your love pad? Who allows time to manicure the perfect garden? Not me. Create your own miniature indoor garden. You can choose your design from a Japanese Zen garden to a prickly Cactus display. It is compact, super easy to maintain and it will be your very own love garden. You bring home all the bits, then both dig around in the pot and make it together to admire for years to come.
Classic theme: I’m thinking to ditch the idea of catching up on Married at First Sight this week and watch a classic old movie with my beloved. We could munch on a bowl of classic salty popcorn with a soft drink with all the sugar in it. This can be followed up by a classic magnum (minus all the new-age boysenberry flavours - just plain chocolate and vanilla). How about the Notebook, Breathless, Gone with the Wind, It Happened One Night or Pretty Woman?
A Treasure Hunt: This requires a bit of work but who knows what the investment of time will bring! You hide clues and they can lead to either gifts, treats or special places of meaning to both of you. Maybe it’s where you had a first kiss, first declaration of love, first meal or a picture representing it. 
Hike: Got Thursday off? Conquer the Glasshouse Mountains, Mt Pomona or Mt Coolum together. There are so many more other trails you could explore even before you head to work or for an afterward wind-down.
Love Coupons: This is where you commit to performing self-sacrificing acts for your beloved you might not necessarily enjoy. You write, “This coupon entitles the holder to ……one foot rub, one evening in without….., a meal cooked for you…….night out with the lads…. Queen of the remote control……breakfast in bed…. vacuum your car. These little things mean so much. They’re redeemable for any time over the next year or you can add fine print and a shorter expiry date for those you’re hoping to get out of. 
Surprise the singles: Send your single buddies a nice card or simply text them to let them know what a top bloke or chic they are and why.
Give blood together: It’s a sobering thought to imagine how many cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day as they’re fighting for their lives. No-one has been untouched by cancer in some shape or form so why not donate some of your healthy platelets to those fighting the battle or a patient who may need it for surgery. Importantly, you’re spreading the love beyond your relationship and there are limitless ideas for those.

Now I’m turning the page!

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.

Not a week goes by when cyber related challenges are raised in the Counselling room. I was relieved to notice there is now a Safer Internet Day each year, being tomorrow,  Tuesday 5 February. 

Safer Internet Day’s mission is to promote the safe and responsible use of technology for young people. What a great day therefore to raise awareness in your household as it sure needs attention for your relationships and boundaries for children.
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In my experience, the most common areas for concern discussed in Counselling are:

• Frequent late-night use of the internet.
• Addictive games and related conversations with people unknown to partners.
• Obsessive protection of phones that never leave your spouse or teenager's side.
• Lack of attention to children’s hours spent online that causes aggression or moodiness.

If you have children, there are some great online safety quizzes to check their understanding about sharing their images, giving out their information and what to do about online bullying. It could save their life.

I totally love that we’ve become even more connected thanks to technology. Long distance relationships are enhanced with it and those living or travelling abroad feel closer than ever. In day to day life however, screens are often an unwanted third person in the relationship. When both partners are screen addicted, it’s some sort of crazy foursome where the only real connection is the charging port that sustains this unhealthy attachment.

There is also a need for a sensible discussion for couples. Here are some topics to ask each other:

• What do we perceive is a reasonable amount of screen time per day?
• Can we incorporate a fun challenge with an incentive to reduce it? (Many devices have in-built time tracking to keep you informed)
• Do we set a good example for screen usage etiquette for children? (That is, putting down your screen, engaging with emotional attentiveness and eye contact or keeping them away from the dinner table.)
• Do we share new interests Apps or games with each other?
• What Apps, websites, podcasts or blogs can we both use to enrich our relationship? A great example is the “Gottman Card Decks” App for couples.
• Do we feel comfortable leaving our phone unattended and face up for our partner to view?
• Are we comfortable to be online friends with ex partners, old school friends or new acquaintances of the opposite sex?
• Who do we agree is acceptable for us to chat online to?
• Have we ever gifted money to a cause, a person or organisation and not told each other?
• Do we have a no screen zone in our house or time frames when we converse real time in the flesh?
• Do we agree with what each other posts on social media sites?

Enjoy the wonders of technology to be entertained, organised and informed but if you’re withholding information from your partner about your screen use, it’s your red flag.

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.