We’re up to Part Three of the tribulations of infidelity. Many people ask me if pornography is a contributing cause and is it bad for relationships?
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This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a Relationship Therapist I journey with clients without judgement and respect their opinions and values. With thanks to the contributions on this topic to Clinical Psychologist, Dr Clare Rosoman.

Firstly, here are some interesting statistics from Pornhub. It is a pornographic video sharing website and stated to be the largest pornography site but certainly not the only one on the Internet:

• Their site attracted a total of 28.5 billion visitors in 2017 (around 81 million a day).
• United States was the top country by traffic. Australia maintained eighth place (in the face of adversity of our ridiculously slow internet speed!).
• The breakdown of age groups are:
• 18-24: 30 percent
• 25-34: 28 percent
• 35-44: 18 percent
• 45-54: 13 percent
• 55-64: 7 percent
• 65+: 4 percent
• Female users make up 26% of worldwide Pornhub traffic (Australian women make up 28% of our users.)
• Most frequent time for viewing is between 10pm and 1am. The most popular day is Sunday and least popular is Friday.
• The average length of viewing time worldwide is about 10 minutes however this doesn’t account for the number of times per day.
• It’s a big profitable business! Overall revenue is thought to be $13 billion. Australian revenue is estimated at $2 billion.

According to researchers Paul & Shim, four main reasons they stated in 2008 for using it are:

1. Fantasy: Sexual excitement, satisfaction, curiosity, exploration and anonymity
2. Mood management: emotional regulation, stress relief, escapism
3. Habitual use: habit and convenience
4. Relationship: enhancement, skills, novelty

Some of the common outcomes from pornography use for those in a relationship are:

• Feelings of internal conflict such as shame, depression, anxiety and irritability.
• Social withdrawal and guilt over the financial outlay.
• With frequency, pornography can normalise and desensitise associated behaviours that lead to the pursuit of another person and possible affair. In my experience, the partner not involved in the pornography may view it as a betrayal to the relationship. Not only can the partner feel sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use but find certain new sexual activities objectionable. A new “sexual script” can be introduced and not welcomed.
• Risqué images can start as entertainment, may escalate to compulsions then distorted beliefs, expectations and addictions. The user faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography. They can lose interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with their partner.
• Emotional closeness wanes due to decrease in trust and pornography can be associated with dishonesty.

Is there any benefit for relationships? Some studies say it is not harmful and positive whilst others say it is detrimental. The difference lies in how the questions are asked and who you ask. For example, people in casual relationships are far less likely to have a problem with it than those in long term relationships who have built a life together.

Research has found that mutual use of porn was related to lower levels of distress but unrelated to relationship satisfaction in women. Some say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction. Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone.

Consistent results across studies show the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female which lowers her relationship satisfaction reduces positive communication, creates instability, more relational aggression and lower female sexual desire.

In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com

​I’m tackling the tricky topic of affairs in this four-part series. Last week I covered what can be defined as an affair? Today I’m writing about why people do it? Firstly, here are a few myths thanks to  recommended author, Dr Shirley Glass and the Relationship Institute Australasia:
The Soul Mate Myth: Attraction to someone else means that your spouse is not the right person. (Being attracted to or admiring someone means you’re breathing!)
Affairs only happen to people with marriage problems: (They can occur in happy marriages however more likely the unintentional consequence of attraction, opportunity, failure to follow precautions and honour values).
You can’t be friends with people of the opposite sex: (Friends of each partner need to be a friend of the marriage.)
Affairs only happen when you’re not getting enough of what you need: (The spouse who gives too little is at greater risk, as less invested than the spouse who gives too much.)
Why do people find themselves involved in an affair?

• Lack of self-love: Interestingly, offending partners can find themselves in an affair when dissatisfied with themselves. The mirror of fresh new adoring eyes of their new love can provide them with the empowerment to appreciate what they cannot themselves.
• Family of Origin: In my experience, far too many couples recovering from affairs in my Counselling room are the result of this featured in their family of origin, such as parents or grandparents. We can’t underestimate the value of the legacy we leave for the next generation.
• Lack of nurture: An affair can be an indication of the need to escape not being listened to. For particularly women, it is often a lack of emotional connection and nurture. Dale Carnegie summed it up when he said, “The sound of a person’s name is like music to their ears.” In my opinion, a symphony of two hearts united is performed from the gift of attentiveness.
• Starving ego:  Some can become addicted to getting high on the heightened physical and emotional rush with a new person.
• Revenge: for mistreatment and finally giving up.
• Lack of intimacy: Intimacy is impacted by the ebb and flow of life’s demands and the incompatibility of a couple’s libido. Despite this, making time for regular sex is paramount.
• Lack of investment in yourself and the relationship: Poor attention to keeping fit, healthy and rested can result in a substandard contribution to the relationship.
• Poor communication: Men can often re-connect physically with sex whilst women usually can’t go there unless unresolved issues are discussed. If they’re never resolved, they gain momentum for the next conflict.
• Alcohol and drug use: Partners may escape from possible violence because of their partner’s dependency or inability to be fully present with each hangover.

Often, it’s the lack of expressing your desires, being validated or acknowledged that fuels the outburst or the cry out in the arms of another person.
Next week: Does pornography lead to affairs?

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com

I’m getting in ahead of the “silly” season of Christmas and New Year. It’s such a fun time when we start celebrating though unfortunately, there are more opportunities for the “silliness” to go too far with regretful consequences. It may well be easier to throw caution to the wind at the time, however acting on feelings harboured throughout the year such as resentment or lust can get you in a right pickle.

For this reason, it’s timely to write about the topic of infidelity. The repercussions impact generations. They cause poor physical health, fuel alcohol and substance abuse, create symptoms for post-traumatic stress disorder and even result in suicide. Many people mistakenly think that infidelity isn’t really infidelity unless there is sexual contact. With special thanks to influencers for this series, Dr Jenny Fitzgerald, Dr Shirley Glass, Dr Sue Johnson, the Relationship Institute Australasia and Esther Perel, here is some clarification on what can be defined as infidelity?

• He/she dominates your thoughts.  You are consumed by thoughts of them when you wake up, when you fall asleep, and mostly anytime in between. Most affairs don’t start with a steamy sex scene, they start in the mind.
• You talk about the difficulties in your current relationship. You may have a few close friends you share your frustrations about your partner with. When you find yourself sharing many of those problems and concerns with this “special person”, you may be crossing the line.
• He/she becomes the first person you call.  How about when you get some exciting news, or you’ve had a dreadful day?  Who do you think to call first, him/her or your partner?
• Contact outside of “friendly” hours.  If you find yourself communicating at questionable hours, this may be a sign.  Most friends don’t text at 2am.
• They “get” you.  When you start to feel like he/she understands you better than your partner, this is a red flag. This usually leads to increased communication with him/her and less communication with your partner.  We are more likely to communicate with someone we feel “gets” us than someone who does not.
• You redirect your time.  If you find yourself finding excuses or creating more reasons to spend time with him/her, this may be a sign.  However, spending more time does not just mean physical time.  If you are spending more time texting, emailing, Snapchatting, Whatsapping, Facetime etc, this may be a sign as well.
• You compare your partner. When talking to your partner, do you think to yourself, “He/she wouldn’t respond like this” or “He/she would be more attentive?”  When out with your partner, do you think, “If I were with him/her, I’d be having more fun?”. This automatically makes him/her the good one and your partner the bad one.
• You lie.  Lying by omission counts. Leaving out details such as meeting him/her for lunch, deleting messages, or you just deny communicating with that person at all is a lie. If you must lie, chances are you have something to hide; and if you have something to hide, you probably know it’s not okay.

 
Coming up in the ensuing weeks are: Why do people do affairs happen? What are the signs to look for? Pornography and affairs. Can you recover from affairs?

Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com
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Happy World Cliché Day!
 
Didn’t know there is a World Cliché Day? You can count on your friendly local relationships columnist to let you know it is today. You could say I’m killing two birds with one stone with this article: educating you about obscure international [insert vague thing here] days and providing relationship advice.
 
And yes, using lots of terrible clichés. More than you could poke a stick at. This article’s going to have clichés coming out its backside, so buckle up and get ready for a ride.
 
Let’s start with some fun facts about Cliché Day! A cliché is a phrase used over and over and over or an aspect of artistic work that occurs in films or music as often! If you can’t stand tired old clichés for fear of sounding stupid, this is your day to cleanse your system and get them all out.
 
What does any of this have to do with relationships?
 
Cliché dates.
 
We’ve all seen them in movies and on TV; read them in books or online lists. I’m talking candlelit dinners at fancy, European restaurants, walks on the beach, dinner and a show. You’ve probably rolled your eyes at half of them. Here’s the thing, clichés become clichés for a reason. Usually, because they were popular because people enjoyed them.
 
We might sit and wonder how something as uncreative as a romantic dinner at a French restaurant could make it into a multi-million-dollar movie? When was the last time you had a romantic dinner at a French restaurant? It’s nice. It’s fancy. It’s unusual. We even feature French cuisine on the Sunshine Coast.
 
It’s, well, romantic.
 
So why not use this incredibly bizarre day as an excuse to do all those sentimental, cliché romantic tropes we’ve seen in countless movies? You might realise how much you enjoy some of them. Just because something’s a cliché doesn’t mean it’s bad.
 

• A walk in the park. There are some beautiful parks around, and quite a few that are well-lit at nighttime for a special pre or post-dinner walk.
• Dinner and a movie. You can even combine the two by going to the Coast’s soon to be opened Gold Class cinema at Kawana where you can have your cake and eat it too. Enjoy a beverage with it.
• Candle-lit dinner. The ultimate cliché, yes — and that’s the point!
• A trip to the beach. Soak up the sun during the day or enjoy a cool ocean breeze and the sand between your toes on a starry night.

 
Get as corny and cringe-inducingly cliché as you can, blame it on being on World Cliché Day. Most of all, take the bull by the horns and enjoy the time with your partner having the cheesiest fun you can think of.
 
Footloose and fancy free? Don’t judge a book by its cover and take a risk for a cliché date with someone you might not usually go for on Tinder? Be wary, there’s no such thing as a free lunch though.

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com
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