How do you picture yourself in your relationship?
The Incredible Hulk, Catwoman, The Grinch or Mr Magoo blindly fumbling your way through the darkness?
Clients in troubled relationships frequently tell me that they find themselves as a former shadow of their exuberant super self. They have trouble focusing at work, feel depressed and only have a vague memory of being confident and fun-loving.
But, they used to be so happy. What happened? Naturally, they want to blame their partners. Here are just a few of the reasons why you might not be feeling like the best version of yourself in your relationship:
If you are experiencing persistent depressive or anxious symptoms for no apparent reason. Today is the day to draw a line in the sand and seek out support to adopt healthy thoughts about yourself to yourself. One cause is unhelpful habits of toxic self-talk formulated from bad life experiences that bog you down. You and your partner should both contribute to your relationship with a healthy sense of self founded in the knowledge of what you deserve in your relationship. Even Shrek and Fiona worked this out and lived happily ever after! Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Aside from the irritating parts of a relationship that include picking up someone else’s putrid socks, blocking out roaring snoring noises and having to share the TV remote… etc one great aspect of a relationship is the safety of your cosy bubble of love. … And I’m not getting all OTT airy fairy romantic here. It’s a thing! Your “couple bubble” (as termed by relationship guru, Stan Tatkin) should be an on-going cocoon of emotional security where you can confide and trust in your partner. It is your private circle of safety that facilitates you braving the world together as a united front. This is where you and your honey bunny pumpkin nugget can metaphorically enjoy a secure nest from which you can each launch yourselves independently to success and return for support and comfort. It is an intimate aspect of your relationship that you can count on. It will evolve over time but is collaborative, and you enjoy a shared vision to engage with the world. You are each other’s number one fan and stand up for each other. Friends and family know that you make decisions as a unit. You check in with each other on the big and sometimes small plans. Those outside your “couple bubble” treat you like you are one team. You also enjoy a sense of independence to pursue friendships and varied interests. It is a beautiful thing! Sadly, distress is found, and trust is lost when you discover that you can't confide in your partner. For example, Bruce* and Gina* featured a lack of safety in their marriage. Gina confided secretly to her Mum and her sister for the slightest kerfuffles experienced in her relationship with Bruce. When the family celebrated together for a birthday, Bruce felt embarrassed and on the outer. He was confused and ashamed about what Gina may or may not be revealing to her family members. Whilst he understood sometimes there’s a need to speak to wise mentors for comfort and advice, he wasn’t entirely comfortable with the unknown dialogue. This might be quite okay for another couple who prefer more transparency with the outside world. There are no hard and fast rules here. What all couples thrive on, is an agreement about boundaries to keep your relationship safe and trusting. That is, with whom, what, how and when you share? I worked with Gina and Bruce to discover what they were comfortable with discussing with whom in the future. They decided Gina would let Bruce know when she felt she needed additional support and would omit the very intimate aspects of their marriage such as their sex life. Gina encouraged Bruce to talk more with his best mate, Dicko when he was overwhelmed. I coached them on communicating their hurts without blame and explored the importance of forgiveness in order to regain trust. Why not chat ask your partner about concerns for any times when they’ve felt your “bubble” was compromised? Have you? Let each other know what that feels like and what agreement you can put in place. What, how, why and when are you each comfortable discussing aspects outside your “couple bubble”? The only thing then popping is your popcorn as you sit back and enjoy your couch time wrangling for the remote! Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
Did you want me to grab some milk on the way home?
Did you see that video about the royal dramas? How’s your sister? When was Johnny’s maths test again? What’s for dinner? Did you want me to collect Freida after school today and take her to netball? The Johnsons asked to catch up on Sunday at 4pm – does that suit? When are you mowing the lawn? B.O.R.I.N.G! These questions are part of a normal, balanced and essential part of life that includes earning money to live and often caring for others. However, if it’s ONLY that – it is snorathon boring! Dissatisfaction, resentment and disconnection usually ensue. Aside from the main issues of conflict and communication, you can imagine this is a common complaint in the counselling room. “Our relationship is dull!” When Jan and Phil arrive on my couch, disgruntled, discontent and disconnected, I’ll ask about their lifestyles and current “best attempts to cope” with their lack lustre situation. Whilst consistency is healthy on many levels, they usually detail drab habits and routines that feature dull conversations about where the kids need to be, what's happening on TV, and what is for dinner before retreating to their screens. They're also over-scheduled and lack quality time. They're stuck! What goes wrong? They lost inquiry and wonder. They snagged their partner then became complacent and lost that beautiful, genuine inquisitiveness… and loneliness set in. What do you do when your relationship has become boring? I’m averse to the notion that relationships require a lot of hard work. This is not the case when we enjoy continual enquiry and wonder about our partner. I bet there is plenty you don’t know about them and how to make them excitable? I’m not suggesting you check in on their hopes and dreams for 10 years time on a daily basis, but a genuine continual curiosity to the amazement you chose to pair up with is a good start. It is never too late to begin so here are my top three ideas to bring back the excitement from a boring relationship. 1. Wonder and enquiry means asking deeper questions. Be attentive to the answers and enquire even further. Pluck some curated questions from a jar around the dinner table, google them or buy my fabulous box of Questions to Know You cards that feature five categories to surprise, delight and entertain each other. Here are a few:
2. Create new adventures and shared experiences. Plan ahead. I don’t know how many couples reveal they can’t remember the last time they did something NEW! A new fun activity requires thought, research and carving out time. Consider things that you haven't done before. What about activities you used to enjoy? Get out of the habit of the same ol same ol and do new things. When we enjoy shared experiences and take risks as a couple or as a family, they're memorable! The things we can’t see will bring more fulfilment than materialistic showy toys! Brainstorm some new ideas in the coming weeks that you could do a little bit differently or indulge in fresh newness you've never tried before. 3. Introduce spontaneous surprise in your relationship. What is a random surprise gift of fun act you could present to your partner this weekend? How will you make them laugh today? Can you shock them (in a good way!)? What is something they’ve always wanted to try, see or feel? Can you ask for something wild and unusual to bring back some zest? Don’t get caught up in lazy habits that result in “flat-mate syndrome” and seize back the enquiry and wonder with intentional adventures and spontonaiety in your relationship! I wonder what you’ll come up with? Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
Remember when you and your partner spent hours talking into the wee hours with adoring eye contact?
You started out strong! Fast forward>>> a few years later and you become passing ships in the night. Add children in between those ships and those noisy, demanding little foghorns become the priority as you navigate parenthood and the rest of life’s big dippers. We can forget that our partner is there bobbing alongside us and might need meaningful support at times. So do you! This can foster loneliness and resentment. We miss the friendship, partnership and the gift of connection we used to enjoy. Let me help you with a few ideas for meaningful support that you should be able to assertively ask for, or provide for your partner! The FIRST big tip is to use “F” words! Yes, that’s right... “feeling” words. For example, “I would feel happier or ecstatic if….” , “I would feel so loved when…..” An integral aspect of my relationship therapy is coaching couples to deliver feedback in a non-blaming way so it can be received that way. In our miraculous humanness, we naturally default to, “You never….”, “You always…”, “You don’t……” In your pursuit for that thriving, connected and flourishing relationship, consider your delivery when seeking meaningful support this weekend! Types of emotional support you could ask for or provide are:
Your emotional safety thrives on knowing you can count on each other in ways you need it the most. Cut your partner a break and don’t assume they already know how. Gift each other some specific ideas in the way you will hear each other the most and cruise on in the same direction! Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
“Is your partner your Number One Fan?”
Is your intimate partner your go-to person? Are you there for them? Are they the person that you go to first when you hear exciting news or when troubled? When trying to navigate this crazy life, it’s nice to know someone has got your back, cheering you on, celebrating your wins and supporting you through the tough months. In relationship counselling, there are key questions that indicate if you will feel emotionally safe. For example, I would ask Jill and Jack in a counselling session, “Let’s just check in on a couple of key questions and contemplate if you could you each give the affirmative to, “Am I there for you? Can I count on you? Will you be there when I call? Do you need me? Do you love me?”. Interestingly, we want those same questions answered when we were a child. Emotional safety is fostered when our primary caregivers consistently provide assurance, safety and love as we navigate rejection, loss and enjoy milestones through our formative years. As we grow and find ourselves in an intimate partnership, we want the same certainty and trust as an adult from our main go-to person. It makes sense if you’re unsure, “Is my partner there for me?” or Can I count them”, it can have you feeling unsafe. When we’re feeling emotionally unsafe, we have a lower window of tolerance. This means we have less resilience to approach the world with confidence achieving the best that we can as the best versions of ourselves. Adult love is not perfect! You and your partner will inadvertently let each other down at some stage. You will however, fare much better when you’ve got those key questions answered in the positive sense. How do you get emotional safety in your relationship? Ask for it!
If you’re questioning how well you support your partner, why not ask them? Your weekend challenge is to appropriately compliment your partner either alone or proudly in front of people? Think about what they’re great at or thank them for something they’ve done for you. Set the example in your relationship and champion the change! How can you set the stage with metaphoric streamers and banners to be your partner’s "Number One Fan". Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
Ever suffer from loneliness in your relationship?
If so, be assured you’re not alone feeling alone in your relationship. Common category causes for loneliness reported in the counselling room are the three S's: Soapies, Screens and Schedules. I’m also adding “Transparency” to the list. Soapies: Who doesn’t love some escapism in a captivating show whether it be a doco or the next episode of whatever you’re into for downtime and zoning out. The common scenario however is a couple watching something different and often in different rooms. It is not going to be conducive to quality time. Try and make sure that you take time to align yourselves with something that is interesting to both of you every now and again. Maybe even try a new hobby outside and get out of the tv rut? Screens: The hand-held type. I refer to my screen as my “third arm”. I use it for my entertainment, scheduling, a recipe or…. basically everything. It has become an extension of me. I also need to make sure that the people most important to me are not playing second fiddle to that screen that is all too consuming. Technology has sure been a lifesaver in many respects, but also a relationship sucker. Make sure you have boundaries that could include screen free zones such as the bedroom, time restrictions, or certain days without technology. Schedules: Particularly for people with children or just you with the hectic lifestyle, it is important to make sure that you collide (in a good way!) with your partner on an ongoing basis. Carve out some time each day, lock it in and turn up! Just 15 minutes a day can be transformational.
Why not ask, “How can I help you get through this week?” “What's troubling you the most?” or “What made you laugh today?”. It is too easy to tag team or become complacent about remembering who you live with and what you loved most about them at the start.
Transparency: It is not uncommon to have trouble putting thoughts and feelings into words. How challenging is it therefore to be transparent and share at an intimate level? Take the time to learn strategies to share with your partner at a deeper level. There is no better gift than sharing the mental load and creating new experiences based on confiding and some fun flirting along the way. Real happiness does not come from getting everything you want. It comes from sharing what you have with the people who matter. Speaking of schedules, don’t forget to diarse my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend! Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
Ever bought into some Disney/Hollywood-inspired beliefs about relationships that have had you come crashing down? It is love month featuring Valentine’s Day. In partnership with my love feature in Woman’s Day this week, I step you through myths about relationships that need busting!
As a marriage therapist, I notice a lot of unhelpful idealisms. When these expectations aren't met, it can cause a lot of relationship distress resulting in way too many Tim Tams, wine or whatever the choice of quick fix. Love is about finding someone who completes the missing half of you. As much as Tom Cruise declared his love with "You complete me” in Jerry Maguire, we need to get this sorted. Can we update this to “You complement me”? Not as dramatic I know, however we need a healthy level of interdependence and dependence instead. This means you can enjoy your own pursuits, and maintain your own identity. This is the fabulous person you were when you first hooked in your spouse. Interdependence is a healthy balance of enjoying each other's company and relying on each other. We need to be able to enjoy someone who compliments us when the chips are down. For example, when unwell, lost your job, or any of life “hits” that overwhelm us. That is the most beautiful part of a relationship where you can enjoy your partner to help support you…. not complete you. It is my job to be the best version of me. It is my responsibility to stay healthy and be as close to, or even better than the person my partner met. I strongly encourage couples to make sure that they don't assume that their partner is going to be their self-esteem and continually tell them how amazing they are for the duration of the relationship. Whilst words of affirmation are a lovely form of love language, it is not your partner’s role to be your self-esteem booster. This is your responsibility.
Christmas time is approaching! A time of love, of compassion, of togetherness … and often, of barely constrained arguments. Healthy relationships are the underpinning of our mental health so I’ve summarised all the seasonal relationship stiflers I notice in the counselling room.
1. Exhausted and Stressed?: except for my puppy, who isn’t? Recognise your automatic response to overwhelm and how you turn up in your relationship. What are your self-compassion to do’s to help maintain the best version of you? 2. Differing Christmas holiday expectations: Communicate your Plan B now that international cruising or your white Christmas is off the agenda. Discuss if you’re expecting, “me-time”, family time or party time so you both achieve the best Christmas outcome. 3. Christmas party pitfalls: A quick text to the partner not attending the work Christmas party will never go astray to convey you haven’t been captured by Santa’s naughty elves at 3 am. 4. Temptation and Infidelity: A huge devastation to the well-being of you and your partner that impacts generations. Lying by omission counts. 5. Colliding financial values: Short or in surplus? Respectfully communicate how you’d like to manage this so you both get a piece of the pie chart. 6. Misalignment: Regularly check-in on the status of your relationship and how you can each make it through to the 2020 finish line unscathed?
7. Lack of self-confidence: If you can’t confidently assert your needs in your relationship, you’ll get lost along the way.
8. Poor communication style: Have you fallen into the habit of globalising statements such as, “You always..” or “You never…”? Santa knows the truth and it’s likely not always! Use your feeling words to convey the impact of other’s behaviours. 9. Conflict avoidance: Do you employ a healthy approach that ensures respect and kindness even when disagreeing? 10. Lack of self-regulation: If you’re unable to control your rage or become overly emotional, learn self-control strategies and check for any unregulated toxic self-talk. 11.Snubbing your partner’s family: They’re a special part of your partner so embrace or tolerate them lovingly with respect and kindness. 12. Fear: Uncontrolled fear will have you paralysed and missing out on all there is to look forward to in 2021. How can you intentionally and courageously regain control and be a united force next year? Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more about her recently launched Relationship Rejuvenator Mini-courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com There is a myriad of reasons for relationships to run off track. The main derailers to relationship bliss are inevitably unveiled by the same root causes. If there is a year that would send anyone off the rails to financial chaos and concern, it is 2020! The greatest outcome is a “united front” when it comes to aligning yourselves on the important and inevitable aspects of life - death, money and taxes! You can’t take your hard-earned coin with you to the first one, so you may as well get your finances back on track so you can include some fun with it together beforehand, particularly in the lead up to Christmas! I was recently requested to speak on The Property Couch podcast on money derailers for relationships so here are my top financial quandaries I notice most couples face: 1. Deceit and lack of transparency: the pressures on the main income earner can find them hiding loans, discrepancies in transactions and secret accounts as a result of shame and guilt for poor financial decisions. Stereotypically, women will hide money to pay for such expenses as cosmetic enhancements or clothes. 2. Differing Values: it is common for couples to vary in their high or low-risk approach to managing money and investments. This isn’t necessarily bad except when goals are misaligned! 3. Lack of safety: a partner who not in paid employment or earning less than their partner can feel unsafe due to the lack of perceived financial security when money matters are kept completely separate. Although women are breaking the glass ceiling, I notice they stereotypically still flourish with nurture, protection, and assurance of financial security! 4. Controlling behaviours: it is sadly not uncommon for partners to hide or control money from their partner to prevent them from leaving. This is abuse. 5. Misallocated Roles: the partner who is least adept at managing money is often allocated responsibility for paying bills and making financial decisions. Top 5 Tips to Avoid Money Matters Derailing Your Relationship 1. Be a united force to align values from the outset of the relationship so there is less room for shocking surprises. 2. Educate yourself on wealth creation with books, podcasts and apps to track your progress. Even better, educate your children. 3. Avoid being a financial victim of your family's legacy of financial mismanagement or an impoverished mindset. A vast majority of the relationships I support are people raised from poor relationship mentors that featured challenges such as infidelity, money mistakes and a legacy of separation and divorce. 4. Realise that topics around money are often blamed for relationship breakdown, however the root cause is a symptom of The Three Corrosive C's: Crushed Confidence, Poor Communication and Conflict skills. 5. Romance does not require copious amounts of money to keep your relationship alive whilst saving! It is the emotional attentiveness and the effort put into the daily habits and small gestures! Don’t be too hard on yourselves if you’ve found yourself fast-tracked off the rails when it comes to financial conundrums! Why? Your relationship mentors, parents or grandparents were less likely to require wisdom on how to collaborate with their spouse in areas such as finances and how to raise the children. They didn’t need to check in with each other as their relationships featured more clearly defined, traditional roles that didn’t overlap so much. This is in comparison to today’s common tag team situation—symptomatic of both parents working outside the home where we collide on work, managing finances, home duties and parenting decisions. Learning how to blend two cultures in every relationship can be a beautiful yet challenging task! Learning to respectfully, kindly acknowledge and listen to what is important to each other is paramount. If you’re omitting information, it is your red flag for deceit so have the courage to be open and honest with your partner to align yourselves for financial success in 2021 and beyond! This article featured in the Sunshine Coast Daily. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com Have you ever stopped to think of the myriad of methods we express ourselves? Aside from your beautiful smile, what about your coughs, wheezes, burps and toots (as my young son’s perfectly mannered young buddy most appropriately refers to the latter unpleasantries). We are far from quiet - even the most well mannered among us. Of all the wails, guffaws, laughter with snorts, and shouts; what fascinates me the most is the humble sigh. Did you ever notice how much more you sigh when faced with challenges? Take, for instance, the depth of hurt, pain and sorrow of grief that can never be fully expressed in words. It is a necessary part of our grieving process. Sobbing, sighing and crying are physical signs of grief. Many studies report they are a necessary release of our emotions. Remember that grief does not just involve death but incudes a loss of expectations such as losing your job or the inability to use those air tickets collecting digital dust due to COVID-19. How you breathe has a direct correlation with your central nervous system. As it turns out, the sigh seems critical in maintaining healthy stability as it:
Enjoy a sigh of relief for its purpose in achieving a healthy balance for your well-being, particularly during the uncertainty of 2020. Sigh. Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist and podcaster inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com
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Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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