The less-discussed "Why?"

​I’m tackling the tricky topic of affairs in this four-part series. Last week I covered what can be defined as an affair? Today I’m writing about why people do it? Firstly, here are a few myths thanks to  recommended author, Dr Shirley Glass and the Relationship Institute Australasia:
The Soul Mate Myth: Attraction to someone else means that your spouse is not the right person. (Being attracted to or admiring someone means you’re breathing!)
Affairs only happen to people with marriage problems: (They can occur in happy marriages however more likely the unintentional consequence of attraction, opportunity, failure to follow precautions and honour values).
You can’t be friends with people of the opposite sex: (Friends of each partner need to be a friend of the marriage.)
Affairs only happen when you’re not getting enough of what you need: (The spouse who gives too little is at greater risk, as less invested than the spouse who gives too much.)
Why do people find themselves involved in an affair?

• Lack of self-love: Interestingly, offending partners can find themselves in an affair when dissatisfied with themselves. The mirror of fresh new adoring eyes of their new love can provide them with the empowerment to appreciate what they cannot themselves.
• Family of Origin: In my experience, far too many couples recovering from affairs in my Counselling room are the result of this featured in their family of origin, such as parents or grandparents. We can’t underestimate the value of the legacy we leave for the next generation.
• Lack of nurture: An affair can be an indication of the need to escape not being listened to. For particularly women, it is often a lack of emotional connection and nurture. Dale Carnegie summed it up when he said, “The sound of a person’s name is like music to their ears.” In my opinion, a symphony of two hearts united is performed from the gift of attentiveness.
• Starving ego:  Some can become addicted to getting high on the heightened physical and emotional rush with a new person.
• Revenge: for mistreatment and finally giving up.
• Lack of intimacy: Intimacy is impacted by the ebb and flow of life’s demands and the incompatibility of a couple’s libido. Despite this, making time for regular sex is paramount.
• Lack of investment in yourself and the relationship: Poor attention to keeping fit, healthy and rested can result in a substandard contribution to the relationship.
• Poor communication: Men can often re-connect physically with sex whilst women usually can’t go there unless unresolved issues are discussed. If they’re never resolved, they gain momentum for the next conflict.
• Alcohol and drug use: Partners may escape from possible violence because of their partner’s dependency or inability to be fully present with each hangover.

Often, it’s the lack of expressing your desires, being validated or acknowledged that fuels the outburst or the cry out in the arms of another person.
Next week: Does pornography lead to affairs?

​Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at:
​ www.theconfidantecounselling.com

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