However, if you’re losing that important connection with your partner, your neighbours are rolling down their blinds and you spend days after an argument slamming doors and muttering under your breath, then it’s time to take steps to finding a more satisfying solution. Ever really tried to understand how your partner ticks? Maybe there is no ‘better’ way to argue but a better way to understand each other when having a disagreement. Understanding the way another person ticks is the route to a peaceful result. It’s all very well standing in a room full of emotionally charged tension and “listening” to the other person during a “row”. Anyone can listen to a clock tick tock; it’s whether you actually “register the time” (hear what’s being said). Do you both understand the true emotions behind the vicious circle of arguments you might be having with each other? Here we go again…! If you understand the emotions driving your partner, then arguments may well come to a satisfying conclusion a lot sooner. Most arguments in a long-term relationship are repetitive, so get to know what they are really about and why they keep repeating themselves. You know that frustrating feeling when you’ve asked your husband to do something 20 times and it still hasn’t been done and you’re about to totally ‘lose it’! Ask yourself – does your partner understand it’s not just about them not changing a light bulb or getting the car fixed or even unloading the dishwasher – it’s more about – reliability, dependability and attentiveness. Don’t walk too far…. Don’t walk away from an argument without resolving it. We hear the expression “time out” a lot but it needs a clause! This is expressed well in "Fighting Fair" by Dr Sue Johnson who says “Aren’t we all just a little threatened by our loved one being able to turn and walk away, as if we didn’t matter at all?” Too true – ‘time out’ might well give you time to simmer down but the root cause of the argument hasn’t gone away. That light bulb still needs changing, the dishwasher still needs emptying and you’re feeling frustrated and unheard! The argument has been dismissed, only to flare up, like a nasty rash, at a later date and your partner has been left feeling as if their opinion is unimportant. Self regulate! If your heart rate is up, be aware that minimal words of value will appear from your mouth. Take ten minutes then return with a calmer and more helpful approach. Insults that punch! Brain imaging studies show that rejection and exclusion trigger the same circuits in the same part of the brain, the anterior cingulate, as physical pain. In fact, this part of the brain turns on anytime we are emotionally separated from those who are close to us. A harsh word lights up the brain similarly to a physical punch! It hurts! If you call you’re your wife a “Selfish *Insert yours here*,” for example, it creates an emotional injury. Once those hurtful words are out there, there’s really no reversing them. Also, avoid throwing threats around willy-nilly. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to throw threats around, shouting “I want a divorce!” (When you don’t), but remember that these threats may ring in your partners ears (worse than tinnitus), long after the row has ended. Dream on! We need to consider our high expectations of each other. How did you dream this situation would have played out nicely? How would your partner want it resolved? What can we do to work together to reach an agreement? Part of resolving an argument is learning some tolerance and really listening. What is your partner really saying? Perhaps your partner is under enormous stress at work? Perhaps he or she is too tired to cook a three course meal every night? You need to respect the external pressures outside the relationship. Question how attentive you are to each other too. As Sue Johnson says again in Psychology Today, “We start out intensely connected to and responsive to our partners. But our level of attentiveness tends to drop off over time.” Express yourself (It’s not just an 80’s song!) When you lose a connection with your partner it makes you feel insecure and this in itself can cause arguments because you might feel abandoned, you might even retreat. Issues left to fester usually lead to the same argument. No matter what amazing skills your partner may have, they are not a mind reader. It’s important to tell your partner how you feel before an argument escalates. Expressing yourself clearly using FEELING words goes hand in hand with respect. Dr Sue Johnson further explains the above by using sex as an example. Perhaps your partner says they don’t want sex that night. Rather than feel hurt or rejected and throwing a nasty comment back you could tell your partner how you feel, gently, perhaps that you’re hurt or you feel unwanted. This helps to re-establish the connection. It’s possible your partner didn’t want sex because they were genuinely exhausted or stressed out due to work or just because they actually would rather a cuddle instead! The Mind Unleashed quoting Gottman research in "10 Ways That Happy Couples Argue Differently”, cleverly advises “attack the problem, not the person” Clean up the mess When the argument is over there is still more to do – call it “cleaning up”. Re-iterate you still love your partner. Apologise it turned out this way. Make your loved one feel secure. Any hurtful words that were said need to be soothed. Touch them too, because this is the most primitive way of re-establishing a lost connection and facilitating safety. Just a small hug or holding their hand will help to soothe and reduce the anger and tears. Finally… The secret to a successful relationship isn’t not to argue – it’s to deal with the arguments with respect, genuine kindness and most of all, love. A chief predictor for relationship erosion is lack of emotional responsiveness. If you’ve got anything from this – TUNE IN! Oh, and remember – making up should then be a pleasure!
Here's Part One of this current series featuring the most common obstacles in Relationship Therapy.
Welcome to our NEW "Relationship Hurdles Series" featuring some of the greatest obstacles we notice in Relationship Therapy. If there was a chance you could gain insight to what couples are facing, here it is. We know you will enjoy this series and be inspired by it! Here's our first post: DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE DIFFERENT INTERESTS? “Opposites Attract”! Do you think it's true? No one is completely alike. We are ALL uniquely and wonderfully made. Some relationships are based on mutual enjoyment of hobbies, values and interests. You may be the couple who met whilst playing golf or the pair who kept bumping into each other whilst visiting the theatre. Maybe you met through friends? This mutual enjoyment of something probably triggered conversation and attraction. Others however, can be attracted to each other by a powerful, unknown force. You may be the couple who met across a crowded room, no explanation other than you found each other totally alluring. You chatted, you enjoyed each other’s company and you began a relationship. This relationship can work well even though you seemingly have little in common! You can both aim for the stars! Whilst the commonality can be friends or work rather than just interests, there is usually something that binds a couple together - people can be complete opposites despite this. You might love camping holidays sleeping under the stars. Your wife might like a luxury resort and the only stars she’s interested in, are 5 stars. Your husband may prefer a quiet night in with an action movie and a can of beer while you might prefer a glass of bubbles and Karaoke with a crowd. The differences do not matter; in fact they can be extremely positive because they can also encourage each of you in the relationship to try something you may not have thought of before. What matters is wanting to be a part of your other half’s life and being willing to try new things. Many relationships feature polar opposite personality styles! You may be very quiet, he may be the life and soul. She may be a worrier and you might be so laid back you’re about to slip into a coma. The difference can be a positive influence. If two people are very obstinate they may struggle to find a happy medium – certainly in an argument. If two people are very laid back, it could mean that nothing gets done or resolved. If you are the laid back person and your other half is very driven they may well give you a push when you need it and vice versa. The Importance of Values & Beliefs Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D tells us in Psychology Today: “Couples with very different interests can have healthy relationships – what counts is that they share common goals and values.” As long as you both have the same principles, such as how you believe your children should be brought up, giving to charity, the importance of family, work ethics etc. then the interests you don’t share do not matter. Essentially, couples don’t have to do everything together – it’s healthy to have outside interests too and to be able to function without each other. If you love to belt out some tunes on your trusty guitar that’s fantastic and if she would rather a good game of tennis with her friends, that’s equally wonderful! Mutual Respect & Compromise The point is it doesn’t matter what your interests are and whether they are different from your partner’s – it is about respecting those differences. Dr Sue Johnson says “Relationships can survive partners being very different…it’s ok. The one thing love can’t survive is constant emotional disconnection.” It’s about being able to talk to each other and have your voices heard, listening to each other’s needs. It is also about balance. If your partner loves watching sport on TV but you would rather watch ‘Survivor’ (which they hate) compromise, half an hour of sport, then switch over to see who gets ‘voted off the island’ – failing that, get two TV’s! He says Potato – She Says Potahto: How do you strike the balance? Learn to respect each other, even if you are both complete opposites and you don’t agree, be humble enough to listen to his or her opinion and appreciate that sometimes, views are different. As an example, you could have opposing political views, if you know these lead to an argument take a step back, enjoy that everyone is entitled to their view, listen and if you can’t agree – agree to disagree! (Oh, and don’t plan a romantic dinner on polling night!)
Look our for our top 15 Tips on Relationship Interests Social Media in the coming weeks. Joanne Wilson is a professional counsellor and psychotherapist with an interest in relationships and pre- marriage therapy. She has produced her own book, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, and presented a series of relationship seminars on the Sunshine Coast, For more information, contact Joanne Wilson on 0409 909 933 or jo@theconfidantecounselling.com
I’m the first to admit to being stunned that Easter has just whizzed past, along with the first part of 2015. So how’s your MakeItHappen in 2015 thus far? Here are a few facts: - Everyone gets the same twenty-four hours in a day. - If you have competition, they have no more hours in a day than you. - The richest person cannot buy even one more minute of time in a day! - Only YOU can manage yourself and activities more effectively. The media tells us we can have and do it all. Some of us feel a great weight of expectation to get everything done perfectly. If you’re up at “Ridiculous O’Clock” everyday, loading the washing machine, preparing breakfast, answering emails, hash tagging, making beds, maybe wrestling children to school or activities, it’s no wonder you arrive at work, home or wherever frazzled, sweaty and feeling like it’s nearly bed time! If you drift off each night, worrying about how you are going to get everything done by tomorrow, maybe it’s time to find the superhero within you! (Whilst Spiderman and Catwoman might have appeared to successfully juggle normal life with fighting bad guys and falling in love, they probably never did their own washing!) Effective Time Management is a common barrier to a fulfilling lifestyle for many of our clients. It’s all about behavioural change and learning how to spend more time acting instead of reacting.
You may just need a little help in managing time effectively and learning to say “No, I just can’t do that” without experiencing guilt. Could it be that those admirable Superheros in your circles, have simply mastered the art assertiveness and practice saying “No -I can’t do that”.
The great news is you've also now got: THREE steps to success TEN Essential Time Savers FOUR Important Considerations, then a summary of; FIFTEEN Top Time Tips to help rein in your time to achieve more.
What’s the difference?
Narcissism is an inflated sense of self. According to Professor Twenge of San Diego State University, if you were to score high in narcissism on a written test, you would also tend to rate highly for self esteem. You would value individual achievement but miss the aspect of valuing and caring for others. Narcissists lack empathy and have poor relationship skills. Basically, you’d have so much trouble in your relationships because you’re so focussed on yourself rather than anyone else. Bet you’re pointing the finger at a few people you know? Growing Cultural Trend Academics in this field of the study of narcissism prove with US statistics and interesting trends such as:
The data goes well beyond the shores of US however the stats are a little more limited. It is inter-generational and it’s a considerable trend. What are the benefits of Self Esteem? There are less than you think! Experts compared Children in cultures who rated considerably low on the self esteem scale but had the highest academic grades. The emphasis is on self improvement and hard work versus an inflated sense of being special. It turns out a high Self Esteem doesn’t really hurt you but it doesn’t help you as much as you thought! “Believe in yourself and YOU can do anything” and “Confidence is the key to success” may get you in the front door, but it won’t guarantee long term success! Are most CEO’s narcissists? No! According to Jim Collins' “Good to Great” which features an analysis of CEO’s of companies. He reinforces you need the confidence to get to the podium in the first place but that’s about it! The most successful CEO’s were humble visionaries who rated team work, valued their employees and work very hard! If you don’t have a realistic sense of your own talents and take too many risks, you won’t fare well. Translate that over confidence to the stock market and beware! So what now? So we know narcissists are not successful in the long run because they alienate others and take too many risks due to their overconfidence. There is plenty of evidence to show that overconfidence can lead to disappointment as we see a higher rate of depression than ever before in Western societies. How do we find that balance of self efficacy derived from hard work and self control? Now I need Self Efficacy instead? At some point or other most of us will experience a feeling of low self-esteem and there are various factors that can trigger this perception. Everyone in life has had a knock-back! Consider yourself fortunate for them. It is these disappointments and rejections that used properly can combat poor self efficacy. Adversity builds resilience and can fine tune our direction to fight back and reach even greater life goals and Make It Happen. The large and small knock-backs along the way are the things that shape our personalities and give us valuable experience. That my friends, gives you Self Efficacy! Turn your knock backs into: Self discipline, Self regulation of emotions and an overall strong work ethic With the right amount of Confidence, you take educated risks and have clarity for wise decisions to grab onto and make the most of the wonderful aspects of life. As a mother I get to impart my own experience to my children (as they often roll their eyes with another one of my Pearls of Wisdom!). I get to warn them about the times when I’ve felt unable to carry on but with support and being resourceful, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. (I’ve lost count of the times my personal adversities have provided me with incredible empathy and insight in therapy sessions.) Are you familiar with the saying “Where one door closes another one opens?” It’s true enough, even if you can’t see that door yet, there will be a window somewhere with a slither of light shining through. Even if it’s a gloomy day – promise, look closely and there will be some light, somewhere! Here are our Twelve Fabulous Ways to boost your Self-Efficacy:
Last year already,our nation and many around the world grieve the shocking loss of AustralianCricketer, Phillip Hughes from a freakish accident. In the midst of this painful sadness, how can those of us who didn’t personally know him pay tribute? Aside from putting your bats out, we can model his tenacity by using our talents to their optimum use and be grateful for our loved ones who support us in making it happen. Take steps today to make dreams happen, summon great velocity for motivating yourself and encourage others to do the same.
How?…. Notice the meaningful reflections or personal inventories on your newsfeed or email? Many of us are looking toward next year with much anticipation. For various reasons some hope it is much better in 2014. There may be a tendency to focus on more of the “bad” or only just the “good” that have impacted us. Here are some ideas on meaningfully reflecting on 2013!
“It all begins with your mind: your thinking, your emotions and your choices. If your mind isn’t right, then you will not stick with anything, no matter how great.” Dr Caroline Leaf The most popular topic nominated by the community of the TheConfidante this year! What better time in the lead up to Christmas to consider our health and diet into 2014 when more likely to over indulge! You’ve been overloaded with information all year, you’re ready for a break - so here’s a simple acronym to help you: WHY WEIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF? THOUGHTS => ACTIONS: Every moment we engage in self-talk. Consider what are you telling yourself each day in relation to health and fitness? Evaluate it. HAPPY FOODS: If you’re going to cheerfully succeed in this challenge, you may as well choose mood boosting foods such as berries, bananas, dark chocolate, avocado, salmon and spinach. See a dietician or naturopath for more ideas! YES I CAN! Ever tried positive affirmations? No more, “I should..”, “I could...” BUT “Yes I am an energetic force.” Post them up on your mirror, in your car, make them visible encouragers of the truth! WEEKLY ACCOUNTABILITY. Set realistic and achievable timeframes then reward yourself in increments! EACH OTHER: Like it or not, we are created relational beings. Call, Text, Email encouragements. Train together - so it happens! BE ACCOUNTABLE. Don’t wait until...? Call in on the support of a buddy! Rely on each other NOW for goal accountability and check in with each other weekly as to your achievements INHIBIT the activity of the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) of your brain and activate your dorsal prefrontal cortex (DPFC) - considered the pivotal site for cognitive behaviour. Research shows that successful dieters have different “software” running in them. Can you reprogram your mind to run software for successful dieting? YES and the answer lies in your habits. You can rewire your “software” by cultivating new habits for healthy weight loss. People usually fall of the weight loss wagon because they go to the extremes. They try to go on deprivation type diets. Their body fights back with a vengeance. The best way to reprogram the mind is by learning and practising healthy weight loss habits. Practise these habits for 21 to 90 days and you would have reprogrammed your internal software. GREY MATTER is affected by a higher Body Mass Index. Do your own research about reduced brain tissue, lower cognitive function and memory loss which will be plenty to motivate you! HORMONES: Overweight people also generally have higher levels of the insulin hormone. Insulin is a potent fat storage hormone. An overweight person may or may not be diabetic. The insulin hormone can stay elevated for long periods before medical tests show the sign of diabetes. The chronic elevation of insulin levels is detrimental to the body and the brain. Published studies prove the degenerative effects of excess insulin on cognitive functions and brain volume. TRACK YOUR WINS: What can a small achievement be for this month? One walk per week? No dessert three nights per week? Write them down and reward yourself (not with dessert!) REMEMBER: Change needs repetition for at least 21 days! Habits can be CHANGED! Act on Achievable targets Never Give Up Give yourself incremental rewards Enjoy benefits of an ENERGETIC, HEALTHY, ZESTFUL YOU in 2014! I look forward to supporting you with the tools and strategies you or your friends and family require to attaining their success in health and fitness and happiness in 2014. Joanne Wilson also works amongst a team of highly regarded health practitioners and fitness professionals at Activeliving The Wellness Company, on the Sunshine Coast and IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO BEGIN! TheConfidante has formulated a handy little prompt card to add to your wallet or purse to remind you in 2014. If you’d like your FREE one posted in the New Year, along with a FREE motivating check in text, simply email jo@theconfidantecounselling.com with your name, mobile telephone number and your Australian mailing address. (Your details will remain confidential and not used for any other purpose) |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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