Self Esteem - is it worthy?

Ever been worried about being overly confident or “full of yourself “?

Many clients struggle with progressing to a state of loving themselves and appreciating their gifts. They especially cringe at the thought of showing it and dread the thought of appearing arrogant or narcissistic. 


Ever wondered the difference between narcissism and self esteem? It seems the first is a growing cultural trend and the second isn’t all it seems.

What’s the difference?

Narcissism is an inflated sense of self.  According to Professor Twenge of San Diego State University, if you were to score high in narcissism on a written test, you would also tend to rate highly for self esteem.  You would value individual achievement but miss the aspect of valuing and caring for others.  Narcissists lack empathy and have poor relationship skills.  Basically, you’d have so much trouble in your relationships because you’re so focussed on yourself rather than anyone else.  Bet you’re pointing the finger at a few people you know?

Growing Cultural Trend

Academics in this field of the study of narcissism prove with US statistics and interesting trends such as:

• Plastic surgery such as breast augmentation ad liposuction has tripled since the 1990’s
• We give our Children more unusual names with an emphasis on standing out from the crowd versus fitting in! (I really liked the name Nutella!)
• We have trouble staying in relationships as long and they are less stable as they once were.  More and more babies are born to unmarried couples and we get married later in life.  
• Materialism is on the up.  82% of 2013 entering university in a US study said that “financial stability” was an important life goal compared to 45% in the 70’s. We need bigger houses and have an overall sense of self entitlement.

The data goes well beyond the shores of US however the stats are a little more limited. 

It is inter-generational and it’s a considerable trend.

What are the benefits of Self Esteem?

There are less than you think!  Experts compared Children in cultures who rated considerably low on the self esteem scale but had the highest academic grades. The emphasis is on self improvement and hard work versus an inflated sense of being special.  It turns out a high Self Esteem doesn’t really hurt you but it doesn’t help you as much as you thought!  “Believe in yourself and YOU can do anything” and “Confidence is the key to success” may get you in the front door, but it won’t guarantee long term success! 

Are most CEO’s narcissists?

No!  According to Jim Collins' “Good to Great” which features an analysis of CEO’s of companies.  He reinforces you need the confidence to get to the podium in the first place but that’s about it!  The most successful CEO’s were humble visionaries who rated team work, valued their employees and work very hard!

If you don’t have a realistic sense of your own talents and take too many risks, you won’t fare well.  Translate that over confidence to the stock market and beware!

So what now?

So we know narcissists are not successful in the long run because they alienate others and take too many risks due to their overconfidence.  There is plenty of evidence to show that overconfidence can lead to disappointment as we see a higher rate of depression than ever before in Western societies.  How do we find that balance of self efficacy derived from hard work and self control?

Now I need Self Efficacy instead?

At some point or other most of us will experience a feeling of low self-esteem and there are various factors that can trigger this perception.  Everyone in life has had a knock-back!  Consider yourself fortunate for them.  It is these disappointments and rejections that used properly can combat poor self efficacy.  Adversity builds resilience and can fine tune our direction to fight back and reach even greater life goals and Make It Happen.  The large and small knock-backs along the way are the things that shape our personalities and give us valuable experience. 

That my friends, gives you Self Efficacy!  Turn your knock backs into:  Self discipline, Self regulation of emotions and an overall strong work ethic 

With the right amount of Confidence, you take educated risks and have clarity for wise decisions to grab onto and make the most of the wonderful aspects of life.  As a mother I get to impart my own experience to my children (as they often roll their eyes with another one of my Pearls of Wisdom!).  I get to warn them about the times when I’ve felt unable to carry on but with support and being resourceful, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. (I’ve lost count of the times my personal adversities have provided me with incredible empathy and insight in therapy sessions.)  

Are you familiar with the saying “Where one door closes another one opens?”  It’s true enough, even if you can’t see that door yet, there will be a window somewhere with a slither of light shining through.  Even if it’s a gloomy day – promise, look closely and there will be some light, somewhere!

Here are our Twelve Fabulous Ways to boost your Self-Efficacy:

1. Be aware of criticising yourself, STOP!  Nourish yourself with words of encouragement and be persistent!  Facing too many hurdles in a short distance will certainly cause you to plant face first.  With the mindset of how you can sharpen your focus, use this experience as a fine tuning to train harder you can leap them with ease one day.
   
2. Consider every problem as an opponent with a thrilling opportunity to beat.   Especially you sports fans - makes daily life more of a fun game than a draaaaaaaaaag).
   
3. Quit multi-tasking!  Social media seems to have drawn us into a face paced multi-tasking lifestyle. It can massively slow down your productivity. Typing a quick message here and a Tweet there has no real feeling. You’ve forgotten about it in seconds as you flit to the next task on the list.  We spend too much virtual time on our “screens”.  Ditch them regularly to see friends, family without interruptions!
   
4. Do at least one thing just for yourself a day.  Maybe try doing or eating something new to keep it fresh!  Take a few moments to read a magazine or go for a walk to clear your headspace.  Lift your face to the sun if it’s shining and get that good feeling!
   
5. Call your mistakes your Teacher:  Accept it.  Learn from it.  Move on and Make It Happen
   
6. Challenge you and your family to a weekly Positivity Task.  Anonymously pay for the next persons’ coffee.  Bake something for your neighbour you don’t even know.  Make a funny gift for your colleague for no reason.  Look outside yourself with a kind word or gesture to make someone else’s day.  Kindness, appreciation for others and genuine friendship makes you feel wonderful.
   
7. DON’T compare yourself to others.  We are all created with amazing and different talents. Don’t stop until you’re using yours to the max! It’s what makes the world a fascinating and thriving place.
   
8. Hang with positive people.  You are heavily influenced and become who you surround yourself with.  Find mentors you admire and cut some of your mistakes short by not repeating theirs!
   
9. Make a List:  Enjoy writing ten talents you have and READ them EVERYDAY. Couple this with ten attributes you’d love more of then start strategising, meditating or praying about them.
   
10. Set realistic goals.  One small step at a time.  Overconfidence with too many “to-do’s” can be overwhelming and frustrating.  Look up the acronym for making your goals S.M.A.R.T?
    
11. Act on criticisms!  Be grateful for close friends and family who take the time to help refine you  be your best.  Set aside your ego, be open and welcome their feedback and act on it. 
12. Instil resilience in our Children:  Encourage our future generations, but allow them to experience disappointment facilitating a desire for hard work and self improvement.

Self-love is vital to human flourishing.  Pursue self-efficacy through adversity to #MakeItHappen - “You’re Worth It”! 

This is Part Three of our #MakeItHappen series.  See our previous blogs for the first two: Goal Setting and Willpower.

About Joanne Wilson, TheConfidante Counselling:

Joanne Wilson is a professional counsellor and psychotherapist with an interest in relationships and pre- marriage therapy.  She has produced her own book, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, and presented a series of relationship seminars on the Sunshine Coast, with support from Immanuel Lutheran Church. 

For more information, contact Joanne Wilson on 0499 991 884 or [email protected] 


Resources:

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/philosopherszone/the-difference-between-self-love-and-narcissism/5489618

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/allinthemind/young-people-today-are-more-narcissistic-than-ever/5457236

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201410/10-things-you-didnt-know-about-self-esteem

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creating-in-flow/201411/7-ways-unchain-your-brain-and-do-more-better