THE DEATH OF MARRIAGE COUNSELLORS?

​As a specialist in Relationship Therapy, how could you not resist picking up a book, “First, Kill all the Marriage Counselors”?
 
It turns out, what a great read! The author Laura Doyle,  self-described “feminist and former shrew” only consults with females in troubled relationships. She provides Six Intimacy Skills to support women with insight to evaluate their own attitudes and behaviour that she advises men are usually reacting to!
 
Whilst this one is for the chicks, I know you blokes will want to take a peek: 
 
Doyle’s very candid and rather witty book eludes that she has personally experienced Marriage Therapists as too controlling and directive instead of taking a more nurturing coaching style. Here’s my overview of her Six Intimacy Skills:
 
SKILL ONE: REPLENISH YOUR SPIRIT WITH SELF CARE

1. Make a list of 20 things that delight you and carve out time to do 3 things in the next week. (You are encouraged to make more time for this, do what you enjoy and be responsible for getting your work done.)
2. Focus on your own desires. It's not your partners job to make you happy. Entertain the ideas of your list of "I want....." Instead of why you can't or it won't work. You absolutely can overcome resistance or fear of jumping to conclusions as to why it's impossible.  
3. Express your desires in the way that inspires. "I would love it if..." Take out the "you"...
4. Girl chat. Call a trusted friend who can also support your own desires. 

SKILL TWO: RESTORE RESPECT

1. A man needs respect like he needs oxygen. Restore respect with an apology. Act as if you respect your spouse even if you don't feel respectful right now. Fake it til you make it!
2. Doyle says she knows your husband is a good guy because you wouldn't have married him otherwise!  Evaluate if you’ve rewritten your relationship rationale suggesting it was a huge mistake such as he must have been the wrong guy or you were under duress? Think positively why you chose to marry your husband.
3. Your desires are more powerful than your opinions.  Consider what is the outcome you want? A wife expressing her desires is always more powerful than debating or disagreeing with his thinking which is disrespectful. Helpful in wife language is critical in man language. You can listen to your spouse without agreeing or disagreeing. Just be an attentive listener! Why not ask when your partner can expect to finish the task instead of nagging?
4. “You can’t hug with nuclear arms.” (Ha! I love that one.) Get off the fence of contemplating divorce and lead the relationship in a positive and proactive way.

• If he looks into your eyes and sees you think he's smart capable and competent - this affects his self worth.  If you don't feel that right now, start looking for evidence he is, and fake it til you make it!
• Consider the first three things you think about your husband when asked to describe him and it will give an indication of your approach to your relationship.
• Learn how to inspire and create a connection every time you speak. This is not necessarily your authentic feelings and desires but make the one choice to treat him with respect and be humble enough to apologise to help restore intimacy.

 
SKILL THREE: RELINQUISH CONTROL OF YOUR MAN

1. Know where you end and where you husband begins then behave accordingly! If you have a hard time refraining from commenting on something that is your husband's responsibility or decision, ask yourself:
   • What am I afraid of?
   • Is my fear realistic?
   • Can I actually control the situation?
   • Is it worth the intimacy it would cost me to try to control?
2. Consider your marriage as a wonderful "Self Improvement" project. It’s an accurate reflection of the energy you provide to your spouse’s environment. Consider Doyle's analogy of trying to write your own assignment paper, not his! Are you trying to control his choice of wardrobe, speak on his behalf or write his schedule?)  Doyle suggests you can’t be concurrently grateful and resentful around the house so say “yes to yourself” (self care) then stop doing things for him he could easily do himself. 

 
SKILL FOUR: RECEIVE RECEIVE RECEIVE

1. Do you receive compliments graciously?  This is the essence of femininity according to Doyle because it makes you look even more attractive. (I like this one!).  Consider are you a good receiver and do you beautifully enjoy special attention?
2. Good receivers are more self-confident and encourage a greater emotional connection. It’s harder than it looks! 

SKILL FIVE: REVEAL YOUR HEART WITH VULNERABILITY

1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and feel the inexplicable love of being accepted for who you are just the way you are.  Vulnerability isn’t being weak as it can take more strength and courage to risk it.
2. During conflict, use “Ouch” to convey your hurt and diffuse your reactive torrent of words with this one word!
3. Are the culprits of control and lack of respect the answer to your lack of sexual chemistry these days? Your respect is magnetic. Doyle suggests adapting her six intimacy skills that are just as applicable to your sex life. 

SKILL SIX: REFOCUS YOUR VIEW WITH GRATITUDE

1. Shift your focus from what you don’t like to what you do! What you focus on attracts more. Express gratitude three times a day to your husband from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
2. Affirm what you want to experience instead of what might be your current reality. What will your “Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy Be?”.

Some great reminders there for the girls from Laura Doyle - with gratitude! I wonder what the fellas think of all that?

Why don't you both check out our free Self Evaluation Quiz found on TheConfidante's App.

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​Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast professional Counsellor and Psychotherapist with a keen interest in relationships and pre-marriage therapy.  She is often found contributing through guest speaking invitations and has also produced her own books, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, The Relationship Rejuvenator E-Book and presented a series of relationship seminars.