Kissing is awesome (according to me) and there are so many reasons to talk about it:
Why do we kiss each other? The short un-scientific answer is we have no idea! The long answer is that we have no idea because not every culture and society on Earth does it. Nobody has a definitive answer about why it’s something we’d even start doing to begin with. We do have a lot of ideas about why we kiss people and I’m sure you’re thinking of a few. It’s important to note that some cultures, particularly more “primitive” ones, find the practice strange and, in some cases, downright unpleasant. We can assume therefore that kissing isn’t something ingrained in human behaviour; it’s very much a social construct and different between different cultures. From what I’ve researched about kissing, here are some of the top reasons scientists think we kiss:
No wonder that kid was so worried about seeing “Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Underneath The Christmas Tree.” It releases a whole heap of chemicals related to making us feel good and encourage bonding. Kissing has much the same effect, releasing such love drugs as oxytocin and producing the same reactions. Where does this (non-Australian) Mistletoe come into it? It’s actually an old tradition dating back to Celt and Norse mythology. In one Norse tale, the son of the goddess, Frigga was killed by an arrow made out of mistletoe. Frigga was so distraught, her tears turned into white berries that coated the plant symbolizing her love for her lost son. She was so impressed by her white tear-berries, that she blessed the plant and promised a kiss to anyone who passed under the plant from that day on. We kiss under mistletoe because a goddess was so happy that she cried tear-berries after her son died that she promised everyone a kiss? Ancient mythological tales are… interesting. There are other Norse stories about a guy called Loki who deceived a blind God into murdering another God with an arrow made of Mistletoe, being the only plant to which he was vulnerable. Somehow then Mistletoe became a symbol of peace and friendship to appease for its part in the murder. Some traditions then developed into a men being allowed to kiss any woman standing underneath mistletoe, and that bad luck would befall any woman who refused the kiss. Mistletoe is a terrifying, parasitic plant that murders trees and produces poisonous white berries (that look red in all the pictures) and should not be eaten under any circumstances. How anyone decided this was a plant to symbolise love and affection is anyone’s guess. No - it’s not native to Australia. We have enough petrifying flora and fauna without having to worry about poisonous parasitic tree-killing weeds. For a truly enjoyable Aussie Christmas, I suggest substituting the mistletoe for a gum leaf. At least they’re more therapeutic and friendly. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Oh, the joys and pitfalls of the workplace Christmas party. Do you go to yours? If you’re in a relationship, I’m wondering how you feel about your spouse’s Christmas party? Some don’t include partners, so do you happily send them off awaiting their tipple topple return wearing their best Christmas sweater rashie in the wee hours? Do you become anxious about the gin fuelled possibilities that may have caused much angst last year when you had no idea where they were? Is the busty, blonde bombshell your boyfriend sits next to each day going to be there this year? What about that muscly guy from the Sales department that seems all too caring and chatty with your partner? It comes up all too frequently in relationship counselling. Whilst it would be fabulous the Christmas season be a time of calm, connectedness and reflection, it often spirals into some sort of tangled string of festive flashing chaos of lights doused with alcohol. Thanks to your local friendly relationship specialist, I’m here to support you through what can be a fearfully unwelcome phase of unrest. Here is your “Festive Insurance Plan” to ensure you continue to remain in joyous jingle bells tune with your partner:
In summary, be regularly present with even a few minutes of time with your partner amongst all the distractions of screens, places to be and things to buy. Use these moments to engage with deeper questions for closeness. Be open to the possibilities of their responses and gift them with emotional attentiveness. Communicate your faith in the relationship and have a jolly good time! Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. We’re up to Part Three of the tribulations of infidelity. Many people ask me if pornography is a contributing cause and is it bad for relationships?
This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a Relationship Therapist I journey with clients without judgement and respect their opinions and values. With thanks to the contributions on this topic to Clinical Psychologist, Dr Clare Rosoman. Firstly, here are some interesting statistics from Pornhub. It is a pornographic video sharing website and stated to be the largest pornography site but certainly not the only one on the Internet:
Research has found that mutual use of porn was related to lower levels of distress but unrelated to relationship satisfaction in women. Some say that couples using porn together found it easier to discuss sexual wants and fantasies with their partners and had higher relationship satisfaction. Not surprisingly, people who only viewed porn with their partner reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction than those who viewed it alone. Consistent results across studies show the greater the discrepancy between partners in attitudes towards porn, the greater the negative impact on the relationship. Most discrepancies involve a male partner using more pornography than the female which lowers her relationship satisfaction reduces positive communication, creates instability, more relational aggression and lower female sexual desire. In summary, can it lead to affairs? Yes, but not always. Is it good for your relationship? Ask your partner. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com I’m tackling the tricky topic of affairs in this four-part series. Last week I covered what can be defined as an affair? Today I’m writing about why people do it? Firstly, here are a few myths thanks to recommended author, Dr Shirley Glass and the Relationship Institute Australasia: The Soul Mate Myth: Attraction to someone else means that your spouse is not the right person. (Being attracted to or admiring someone means you’re breathing!) Affairs only happen to people with marriage problems: (They can occur in happy marriages however more likely the unintentional consequence of attraction, opportunity, failure to follow precautions and honour values). You can’t be friends with people of the opposite sex: (Friends of each partner need to be a friend of the marriage.) Affairs only happen when you’re not getting enough of what you need: (The spouse who gives too little is at greater risk, as less invested than the spouse who gives too much.) Why do people find themselves involved in an affair?
Next week: Does pornography lead to affairs? Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com Whilst men are superior at so many things, I honoured Women’s Health Week this year by celebrating the attributes where we are a cut above our hairier mankind! Men and women complement each other and I’m one of the first people to highlight we sure need blokes in this world. Did you know that ninety-eight percent of genes are the same in the male and the female? The 2% difference is found in our physical brain structure, how we experience emotions, communicate and think differently. Thank you Captain Obvious you say. Did you know that healthy women:
Quick show of hands, who likes criticism? If you raised your hand, I’m not entirely sure I believe you. Anyone who has been in a relationship can probably think of a few times when they’ve given their partner feedback only to have it explode in their face. Or, just as likely, been the one to blow up. Or, most likely, done both. In the same conversation. Feedback is something that is a lot easier to give than to receive, right? Great. Let’s take a look into how to make feedback easier to swallow. You can even try this on your boss! A “complaint sandwich” is basically a structure for your feedback (or criticism, complaint, gripe etc.) that will make it not only easier for the receiver to listen to, but inspire change. Or, at the least, not explode in your face. A complaint sandwich requires three ingredients: • A positive statement • The complaint • A second positive statement The biggest problem to receiving feedback is feeling attacked. With the complaint sandwich, the meat of the problem is wedged between two positive comments. This puts a structure around the complaint which makes it feel less like a personal assault and more like, well, feedback. You start with something you appreciate about the situation or person and end with reassurance to calm your stress responses. Now, if you’re thinking to yourself, “Great, next time he leaves the toilet seat up I’ll just say ‘John, you’re a wonderful father, but if you leave the lid up again I will leave, but beforehand burn everything you own. I really like what you’ve done with your beard.’” then I have some sad news: Yes, the complaint sandwich will make it easier to swallow. No, you can’t just say whatever you want to in the middle. That would be like biting into a sandwich and finding a cockroach in the middle. It’s still technically a sandwich, but you’re not going to be terribly happy about it. How to Make the Perfect Filling for Your Complaint Sandwich Prepare: Before you open your mouth, remember you’re speaking to someone you ‘love’ (unless they are your boss?). Consider the outcome you’re seeking. One complaint at a time. A complaint sandwich is best as a toasted cheese sandwich. Not toasted cheese and ham or cheese and tomato or with that braised beef from the tin I really like. Just cheese. Piling in multiple complaints together makes them all mash into one and contributes to the recipient feeling attacked. Stick to one issue at a time. Make it timely. When they’re already late for work or there’s man-flu, it is not the best time. Furthermore, avoid complaining about something that happened six months ago. You very well know the momentum a thought can get when you’ve stewed over it for way too long for it to boil over in an unrelated conversation. Courageously approach them whilst it’s still fresh in everyone’s memory. This is what I felt: Take responsibility for your own emotions. Avoid telling your partner what they are feeling (‘you’ talk) and speak about your feelings. For example, I feel hurt, happy, scared, frustrated etc. as compared to what you’d automatically want to say, “You’re lazy” or “You don’t seem to care.” Keep it civil. Try to remain as calm and even tempered as possible. Notice your tone, breathing, heart rate and any triggers from their expression. The goal of a complaint is to bring attention to an issue and try to get it resolved instead of trying to make them feel bad. It is more about what they did: Externalize the behaviour from the person. Describe exactly what you saw or heard and consider what would a video have recorded? Keep it simple and don’t make assumptions. For example, “I heard the door slam.” This is the meaning it had for me: We all interpret and perceive things differently. By saying ‘What I understood about this is…’ allows you to share your interpretation of the situation without accusing your partner. Ask for what you need: Make sure you tell your partner what you need that would help you feel better. You are entitled to respectfully make a clear request that can avoid the person feeling helpless as to what to do with your feedback. Forgive: Once you’ve communicated your thoughts and feelings, then invite peace with forgiveness. You’ve done what you can to make the situation better and now it’s time to let it go. With these tips, you’ll be on your way to providing — and perhaps even receiving — much more palatable feedback in the future. Jo is the Relationships Feature columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily, weekly radio guest for Salt 106.5 and Psychotherapist of TheConfidante Counselling. Contact Jo on 0409909933 or jo@theconfidantecounselling.com
I could be wrong, but if you’re an Aussie bloke, you’re unlikely to ask for directions. It's a well known cute and funny fact! If you’re in a relationship, thinking about marriage or already married, you’re both even less likely to ask for guidance.
Despite all the trends, media and hype, people do still care about marriage, and spend at least some time worrying about how to go about the whole lasting committed relationship thing. As the ‘unmarrieds’ are constantly bombarded with failed marriage statistics, I’d be worried too. If our parents and any neighbours or friends didn’t last the distance, it certainly warrants hesitation. Unfortunately, we’re very much in an individualist society and many have bought into self-sufficiency. I want to put it out there - there’s no shame in cutting your own mistakes short by not repeating someone elses! Imagine if we sought guidance in the first place from people who know what they’re doing and doing it! I wonder if our around one in three Australian divorce rate would improve? Many of you are probably now thinking Marriage Counselling (Hi!). It’s definitely a great way to go. I’d be lying if I said much of Australian society still seems to be running under the impression that it’s only your responsibility to sort yourself out. Then there’s the stigma that if anyone seeks help, they’re a few cents short of a dollar. It’s absolutely not true. Why isn’t your Therapist in your well-being phone contacts along with your Dentist and Doctor (like many Americans)? But such is the environment we live in. Luckily there’s more than one way to shear a sheep, and that’s with the help of marriage mentors. In plainer English, people who are in successful, long-term, committed relationships that you can model your own relationship on. Now, I understand — there’s a lot of unsolicited advice from many oldies. I think everyone knows at least one Granny who has a word of wisdom or a saying for each and every single thing that happens in your life.
Marriage mentors are more like people who realise that life isn’t always a bed of roses and relationships require a bit of watering and word pruning. Even if you meet the most wonderful person in the world, your relationship is still going to require emotional attentiveness for life. Newly loved up couples may think a good relationship involves calm seas; an experienced couple knows it involves good seamanship.
What you want out of a marriage mentor is fairly simple: be around them, bask in their relationship and ask for their “pearls of wisdom”. The idea is to seek out and surround yourself with couples whose relationships you admire. By surrounding yourselves with and watching how these couples roll, you’ll start to understand their thoughts and feelings and emulate their behaviour. You and your partner may well seek their specific advice on certain topics for support. Each mentoring relationship takes on its own style and personality. The amount of time couples spend together and the content they discuss can rarely be prescribed. Here are the key benefits:
You can check out Jo's own beautiful research project, "Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties" HERE. This stunning book features well over 2,000 years of collective knowledge to inspire longevity in relationships and includes unique, touching Pearls of Wisdom from Married couples married more than Thirty years. There are added valuable tips and prompts that will inspire and motivate. Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast professional Counsellor and Neuropsychotherapist with a keen interest in relationships and pre-marriage therapy. Joanne is the feature relationships columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily and enjoys inspiring the community through guest speaking invitations and producing her own books, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, The Relationship Rejuvenator E-Book and presented a series of relationship seminars. Download your FREE 30 days to Relationship Respect HERE in honour of Marriage Week. Why don't you both check out our free Self Evaluation Quiz found on TheConfidante's App? Simply text 0481072223 to download it for helpful tips to support dynamic and flourishing relationships. Stay motivated with our daily Facebook and Instagram inspirations. Appointments can be scheduled online here, via email or call/text: 0409 909 933 Food, glorious food! It’s one of the wonderful necessities of life. We eat throughout our marriage and relationships and, well, every part of our lives. Yet so few people in Western society take the opportunity to use this shared experience to strengthen their relationships. You may well have done the exciting and romantic dates in the early days at all your favourite restaurants as you gazed hopefully and lovingly into each other’s eyes. What about the every-day upkeep of our relationships? We all eat, yet how often do we sit down to a home-cooked meal without the TV and yes here I go again – or any screen? I realise they’ve made our lives easier to be kept up to date, entertained - oh and work anytime. Please do not fall into the trap of living under an unnecessary sense of urgency. It can put you in chronic toxic stress and make you sick—and give you terrible indigestion. This article is all about “Uniting Through Food” (UTF) using the amazing, tasty power of food to help unite with your partner and strengthen your relationship so read on then sing along at the end...
Everyone knows change takes effort. If change were easy we’d all be mighty perfect. Setting goals, even if it means improving ourselves, typically involves stepping way outside of our comfort zones. It’s a lot easier to hide where it’s cosy. The brain certainly enjoys helping us stay in the “comfort of our discomfort”.
Achieving goals is a pretty great thing. It helps grow you as a person and instil your sense of purpose. If you set some mutual goals with your partner you can grow a deeper connection through shared effort. Read on for what I think is a mighty fine way of approaching your dreams and desires either as an individual or couple in 2017... Christmas Day is approaching! A time of love, of compassion, of togetherness … and very often, of barely constrained arguments. The stress of getting everything organised is rising and the expectations to deliver a great day are high. It can be bad enough for people to deal with their own families some times, but throw in the partner’s family? That’s where the real nightmares can begin. Despite Christmas being something most Australians celebrate, we all do so differently. Everyone has their own traditions, quirky rituals and beliefs. They become our culture since childhood, and for most people, these are the only traditions they know until adulthood. Then you meet someone, fall in love, and spend Christmas with a completely different family for the first time. Sometimes it’s fine. Sometimes it’s fine for a few years then… it’s not. It might be something small, like when the main meal of the day is, or when presents are unwrapped, or how to decorate. But it can also be big, cultural differences where the very nature of the day seems very strange and foreign. Any challenge to our existing beliefs, whatever they may be, can be a bit hard to take. But Christmas? Christmas is one of the biggest events of the year! Being confronted by, and learning to accept, a completely alien way of celebrating can be a pretty big challenge. Keep in mind, we’re not just talking about catching up with the in-laws for lunch or dinner. We’re talking about spending time with the whole family of eclectic people you'd never choose for your inner circle. It's also about being completely submerged in a different way of celebrating the big day. So how do you survive? How do you make it out alive without starting an argument you’ll inevitably regret? Read on for my top tips for cheerful and harmonious festive season: |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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