Are you in a relationship with "Lazy Bones"?

Photo by jesse orrico on Unsplash

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​Are you married to “Lazy bones, “Good-for-nothing Gladys” or “Layabout Larry”?

These are just a few of the terms (I’ve omitted the worse ones) often to describe spouses in the counselling room.

On one hand, it is so great to have that friend who is so laid back, you need a spot fire to to rouse them into action.  They are just so chilled out, so mellow, it is enviable. 

On the other hand, being married to that person can be a different thing. This person could be termed as “enough oriented”. That’s right. They are living in the moment doing just enough to get by and often, less than enough. 

via GIPHY

Compare this with your frenzied lover who is frantically hurtling themselves through every day, planning this, over-achieving that and find it abhorrent to sit down. These people could be termed “more-oriented”. They don’t just live in the moment but continually planning for the future - and beyond!

How about some in between? Perfect!

However, hard to achieve.

Because opposites attract.

When the oxytocin wears off.

Add a mortgage/s and children...

It’s incredibly annoying!

I’m talking about not only differences in personality styles here but the challenge of a different work ethic to your partner.

Consider Jill the stay-at-home Mum married to John the GP. They initially met working in a hospital when Jill was a nurse. Back then, she supplemented the household income whilst John was at med school. Fast forward, he’s highly stressed from managing two clinics, three mortgages, four older children with one left at home. Jill has taken her foot off the pedal resulting in John coming home to an unkept house and a consistent lack of clean matched socks. There is little on her agenda except the shopping and the next Netflix episode. John felt embarrassed to invite colleagues home due to the state of the house.

That’s not fair you say!

Courageously, they arrived to the counselling couch out of frustration and anger. With time and compassion, we unveiled:

• John was unable to deliver his disappointment in a kind and respectful manner.
• John’s stress resulted in angry and frustrated outbursts.
• Jill felt increasingly disrespected and continued to feel unheard and afraid and immobilised.
• Jill was most unlikely to therefore desire intimacy.
• John felt rejected and even more frustrated.
• Jill’s time home as a Mum had her feeling unskilled with little self esteem to return to the workforce.
• Jill’s family background meant she had a different work-ethic to John. They valued a less stressful life that meant less income but more time to spend with each other.

You’ll be relieved to know, Jill and John successfully regained connection and intimacy following six sessions discussing  their feelings,  concerns and practical exercises at home.

Together we found a healthy approach to sharing a united approach moving forward where they embraced their “enough versus more orientation”.

They came to respect their respective upbringings that contributed to their approaches and ultimately found their differences novel and complementary like they had initially appreciated about each other.

Jill commenced volunteer work that led to employment in working with the disabled. Together they refinanced, sold some assets and are now an enviable loved-up couple their children are mentoring from. They are impacting generations and showing them how to do it!

Whilst you don’t need to accomplish every task the same, you aren’t expected to work for the other! You will have challenging seasons where one carries a heavier load through sickness and adversity but overall this should be a united, supportive and equal partnership.

This weekend, consider if you have a varied work-ethic and why? Are you able to communicate any frustrations with kindness and respect. Maybe you need to check if your partner believes you contribute with equality.

"Relationship torment is epic when you and your partner have a vastly different work ethic."

Join me in my next 7-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space!
 
In the meantime, you can jump onto my “Communicate For Love” mini-course NOW that teaches this process indepth from the comfort of your own home. No trips to the Counselling room, no parking – just you at your own pace, navigating a new healthy approach to conflict!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com