ARE YOU HOLDING BACK?

Welcome to Part Two of my “Intentional Relationships Series” where you’re getting some thought provoking ideas on how to “level it up” for that thriving and dynamic relationship. Last week I covered seeking and allowing individuality in your relationship. This week I’m asking you to check if you need to take down a few bricks from your walls!
 
Everyone has a history, and sometimes they’re “Horrible Histories”. Sequential life set-backs can leave emotional scars. Disastrous relationship experiences can even make us cynical, pessimistic, and give up entirely on the idea of ever finding love. Every new failure can become a brick in the wall between you and other people.
 
Once that wall is up, one of two things happen: either you refuse to let other people through that wall, or refuse to let yourself out of it. Now you’re withholding love. You try to protect yourself from getting hurt. This is not the best recipe to constructing a delectable relationship. The lack of communication creates assumptions, drama, confusion and a feeling of insecurity. Your cake will flop! You’re now keeping back the one thing a relationship needs to thrive: intimacy. It’s like purposefully leaving out the eggs that binds it all together.
 
10 Red Flags you might be withholding love
 
1.       You reject feedback and your reflex is to blame your partner.
2.       Complimenting your spouse is uncomfortable.
3.       Despite knowing their love language, you’re unable to meet their needs.
4.       Conflict means you are silent and emotionally unavailable.
5.       It’s easier to criticize than to find positives in your partner.
6.       Activities such as work, volunteering, social media, internet, books and other friends take priority over quality relationship time.
7.       You avoid sex or do not actively participate.
8.       Porn has become an addiction as it doesn’t require emotional attentiveness.
9.       Authentic feeling words are off topic.
10.   You exhibit controlling behaviours around finances.
 
What Can You Do About It?
 
Being truthful and honest with your answers to these questions will help you start to see not just what you’re withholding, but may give some insight into why.
 
 
•   What profound, beautiful and joyful thought have you not shared with your partner?
•   Can you recall an experience that was so poignant, fantastic, or gratifying that you didn’t know how to talk about it?
•   When do you feel a little aggravated and critical and what behaviours do you exhibit?
•   Are you afraid of the response when you sincerely share with vulnerability?
•   Do you feel the right to assertively ask for what you need in your relationship?
•   What is your self-talk as a result of soul-destroying words from any previous relationships?
•   Have your found peace and freedom from forgiving either yourself or others for betrayal, disappointment and grief?
 
You’d be surprised what you can learn and achieve through some serious introspection. Next week: Which is more important: Turning Toward your partner or Turning them on?
 
Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE.