Throughout Audacious August, I’m bravely journeying the world of an aussie male. Peruse the most recent articles on this blog for some of the mysteries I seek to unveil about men, particularly those in relationship with a woman. Today I investigate why we find men’s lack of communication so troubling? Thank you for your overwhelming response to last week’s article. Here are more contemplations based on your contributions, Why:
Firstly, let’s point out the amazing similarity between men and women - we all long to be loved! Yes, we might look different, sound different and go about getting love in a different way however all the PHd’ers out there keep coming back to more similarities than differences. Whilst I’ve covered fascinating facts about our variances in brain structure over previous articles, one important point is we are miraculously designed to complement each other. When you think about it, there isn’t one kind of man and one kind female – most of the stereotypes just don’t fit! You are unique. I’ll now address the talking conundrum with a joke from the late American journalist, Helen Rowland, "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." I mentioned last week that constructive emotional disclosure discussions support closeness. I get the impression that aside from the closeness part, this seems most unappealing to men. One helpful male wrote in this week with this helpful perspective, “The masculine in all of us, men and women is covert by nature and thus reluctant to open itself up to scrutiny. Many men, especially those who have yet to recognise the power of their own feminine essence, simply have not exercised this channel for connection with another human being.” Furthermore, neuroscience reveals that females are extremely accomplished at detecting when they’re being listened to – or not. It influences our sense of self-worth. We will catch you out! Female brains have an amazing capacity to group sounds and analyse them versus the male brain which listens for a specific focussed purpose. Here’s an exert from Dr Caroline Leaf’s book, “He said, she said”. “A husband may find it a challenge to keep up with his wife as she zig-zags her way through all the various adventures of her day, constantly inserting random factoids and minutiae. There’s a reason she knows where she’s going even when he’s completely lost and beginning to lose interest. Her girlfriends love all the extra details she gives when she’s telling a story—her husband’s wondering, “What does this have to do with that?” As I regularly highlight in couple’s therapy, ladies, save some of your words for your gal pals and reduce any extravagant body movements to minimise distraction! Fellas, hang in there with us. Keep eye-contact, reassure, ask questions and practise attentive listening for as long as you can. Start pondering the footy scores or other bouncy things – we see it all over your face! Next week I’m supporting blokes for when she sees “puce” and you see brown. She sees “relaxed khaki” and you see green. So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You can remain anonymous! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?" With much excitement, I’ve renamed this month - Audacious August. What daring and courageous risks would this thrill-seeking columnist be taking now you ponder? You guessed it, I’m precariously peering life through the lens of the other side. I’m bravely entering the foreign world of being an Australian manly man! Furthermore, being a macho beefcake navigating love and relationships.
I feel it’s time to support you blokes in areas such as understanding every word we are NOT saying as well as a few expert tips on getting all the love you need. Yes, I do know what your version of love is! Wink. As a woman and relationship therapist, I’ve heard all the snide jokes. Here’s one: “Menopause, menstrual cramps, mental illness, mental breakdowns…ever notice that all of your problems begin with men?”. What about, “While creating men, God promised women that a good and ideal man would be found in all corners of the world, then He made the earth round.” I’ll leave it at just the two but leave you with a few questions about men that are continually investigated in the counselling room: Why:
Whilst I agree we can’t stereotype the idiosyncrasies and mysteries of the Australian male, these are consistent themes I notice. Just to clarify, some fellas talk even more than their shy sheila and absolutely do some women have a higher libido than their stallion. We already know that intimacy in relationships is fostered in deep sharing and empathic responding which makes sense where it all goes wrong. If you take nothing else from this series, what is for sure is that women feel more intimate when their partners display understanding, validation, and caring. What’s fascinating for me is that men thrive on protecting and achieving all these things however as for both sexes, don’t always get it right. I can’t wait to delve into all these challenges of being an Aussie man in relationship for the well-being of all throughout Audacious August and beyond! So fellas, email me your burning questions for support during Audacious August. Bewildered ladies, feel free to forward any contemplations you find unsettling for this series too! You will remain anonymous! Joanne Wilson is a neuropsychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. Look out for my new podcast discussing these articles and more, "Is This Love?" You’re sick of fighting. It’s a never-ending merry-go-round of ‘He-said’, ‘She said’, ‘You did this’ and ‘No, I didn’t.’ Sound familiar? If it does, it might be time to work on your ability to forgive.
Do you ever wonder why some people who yet having experienced incredible adversity, come out the other end joyful and kind? It seems one key difference in these individuals is forgiveness. Whether they chose to forgive themselves or their perpetrators had a great deal to do with what followed in their lives. Those that choose anger and hold their grudges seem bitter and tortured their whole lives. The decision not to forgive can be toxic – both to yourself and to your relationship. I recently wrote about coping with your partner’s family and friends and this is often an area where you’re challenged to forgive freely. I am fascinated by the numerous studies that have shown that we when don’t forgive and revisit our memories of the supposed wrongdoing, a fear response is produced in our amygdala (the part of our brain responsible for our emotions). This response causes a release of stress hormones which increases our heart rate and blood pressure. If we keep holding on to our betrayals and anger, this response remains active, putting us at risk of developing stress-related illness both mentally and physically. Unforgiveness keeps us awake at night and keeps the perceived wrong-doer living rent-free in our head for far too long. Forgiving is not easy. Just like any other difficult or new task, you need to learn how to do it with repetition and consistency. For the sake of your own emotional well- being, as well as that of your partner - it’s worth it. If you struggle to forgive, these five tips may help: 1. Slow it down Ensure you are not in a heightened emotional state. Allow 20 minutes to slow your heart rate down then ask yourself these questions to provide a clearer perspective: ‘How is he/she feeling right now?’, ‘Are they justified in their actions?’, and ‘What is my part in this?’ Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is no easy task - especially when it comes to your spouse. 2. Switch Off the Nasty Voice We all have an inner voice, and sometimes it doesn’t play nicely. When we fight, its critical nature comes to the fore, spewing forth things like ‘He’s trying to manipulate you.’ or ‘She’s twisting your words again.’ or ‘Just ignore him. You’ll feel better that way.’ All of this is counter-productive to forgiveness. In the heat of emotion, replacing these with kind and respectful self-talk is paramount to moving forward and playing fairly. 3. It’s a choice Rather than holding on to all the little things your partner has done, (and I know you know what I mean – that vast catalogue of their wrongdoings stored in your brain!) you must learn to choose to leave it behind you. You will have conflict, that is human nature. Don’t hold onto the upsets. Work through the current issue through listening and validating and grow together from it. 4. Ditch the Baggage Like it or not, your childhood and parent/carer relationship role models play a big part in the relationship you have with your partner. Perhaps you had a parent who used silence to let you know they were angry. Consequently, each time your partner is quiet, you find yourself wondering ‘What have I done?’. Your partner may just be tired and having a quiet moment. Work out where your fear stems from, put it into context and evaluate your behaviour from this logical, rational standpoint. 5. Who will win? When you’re in the thick of an argument, it’s very hard to ‘see the forest for the trees’. You lose track of the goal of being on the side same (a tenet of any good partnership) because you’re so concerned with winning. But for you to win, your partner needs to lose. Is this the outcome you truly want? Set the example on the goal of cooperation and commitment to flexing your forgiveness muscle and watch your relationship pump with synergy! Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. You’ve fallen hook, line and sinker if you’ve bought into the belief you can cruise through a relationship without a disagreement. In fact, there is plenty of evidence that much of our conflict is caused by personality differences and values that are unsolvable. They’re inevitable! It’s not uncommon for couples I work with to openly admit they avoid conflict at all costs. Unfortunately, it can become increasingly icey below the surface, resentment sets in and the iceberg grows too large for the ship to navigate around. When supporting couples, it’s important for me to help them understand factors such as their key underlying emotions and triggers during conflict however here are some thoughts you can consider first: Realise what it is you’re arguing about. It’s a value difference. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about two people who have two different thoughts and opinions. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the other person and usually no one has malicious intent. You’re a human being trying to get along with another human being. It’s quite ok not to agree 100% of the time. Work out how important it really is to each of you. Rank on a 1-10 scale for realistically of “How much this means to me?” For one of you, what luggage to buy for your trip might be very important. For the other, it might be fairly irrelevant and more about criticism, financial values or seeking to be heard. Find out why it’s that important. If someone lists their choice to cruise around the Medditeranean versus fishing in Darwin as anything over a two or a three, there’s probably a reason. Listen to that reason. Show empathy to your partner as well as active listening. Avoid “correcting” their reasoning. And it goes the other way as well. If the issue’s not important to one of you and you’re just happy to be together, but they keep arguing it, find out why. What’s this really about? Recognise you’ve been triggered: Own the reality that you might not know why it is so important – but it is! Be present with yourself, take a deep breath and check-in with your ego that might be hungry for a feed? Keep it focussed. Don’t bring other issues or arguments into your current conversation. That goes for any disagreement, ever. If you find that you can’t address how long you should travel for without mentioning what happened last week, guess what? That’s likely an issue you need to be addressing next. Work as a team to find a solution. Sometimes there might need to be more of a respectful compromise. Maybe the person who’s super invested in the holiday can be the researcher, and the other person will take control of the financial aspect. Whatever the solution, work together and show kindness the same as you would your neighbour or friend. Everyday value differences are one of the most common problems couples face, and in the long run they can kind of be damaging. Bottling up your emotions is a fast way to an even worse problem, so it’s important to get it out in the open and deal with the issue like adults. Whether it’s holiday destinations, parenting, dishwashing or even food decisions, don’t let small value items turn into big value problems. Most of all, be timely with your communicating your grievances. Don’t forget that respect and kindness is the foundation of your flourishing relationship. Enjoy the ride. Listen in for my chat each Friday morning with Kristian on Radio Salt106.5. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Only those who trust, can find love and happiness. And only those who love, can be betrayed. Welcome to the final article of my four-part series on infidelity which featured:
The effect of an affair can be similar to the grief associated with death. It’s important to realise the common repercussions for both partners:
It is not catastrophising to note that discovering an affair creates a crisis! It is a devastating threat to your partner’s security and attachment needs. Consider the extreme emotional adversity and vulnerability from isolation and separation in the events of miscarriage, death, and life-threatening illnesses. This is not dissimilar. What now? Like many of these extreme events, couples can recover when there is demonstrated commitment toward remorse and forgiveness. It usually commences with understanding who the betrayer sought to “become” and what needs they yearned to fulfil? A usual pitfall for couples in recovery is for the betrayer to downplay what has happened in their efforts to repress any shame and guilt. This causes the injured partner to repeat questions and concerns all again with more fervour. It creates a painful cycle that traps them in isolation and pain. Some of the demonstrated commitment includes acknowledgement that a primary relationship rule has been broken. A focus on transparency, patience, reassurance and validation to repair the broken trust is required. It can take up to three years for trust to be re-established. In therapy, we collaborate on skills to manage flash-backs, obsessions and triggers and talk about the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. Importantly, affair recovery recognises the needs of both partners, their longings and desires versus repeated shame for the betrayer. The greatest outcome is that couples build a stronger, shiny new and improved city of a relationship, far better than the one that was rocked in the earthquake of the affair. If couples decide to part, it is so important to unveil any resulting skewed beliefs about themselves or trusting others that can inhibit future relationships. May I highlight that it’s so fun to get fun and flirty in the Christmas season. It is my hope that this series has provided a warning as to the consequences when you’re doing it with the wrong person! Missed the first part of the series? Head to the blog on my website. Listen in to radio Salt 106.5 each Friday morning before 9am for my weekly chat on these articles. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. I’m tackling the tricky topic of affairs in this four-part series. Last week I covered what can be defined as an affair? Today I’m writing about why people do it? Firstly, here are a few myths thanks to recommended author, Dr Shirley Glass and the Relationship Institute Australasia: The Soul Mate Myth: Attraction to someone else means that your spouse is not the right person. (Being attracted to or admiring someone means you’re breathing!) Affairs only happen to people with marriage problems: (They can occur in happy marriages however more likely the unintentional consequence of attraction, opportunity, failure to follow precautions and honour values). You can’t be friends with people of the opposite sex: (Friends of each partner need to be a friend of the marriage.) Affairs only happen when you’re not getting enough of what you need: (The spouse who gives too little is at greater risk, as less invested than the spouse who gives too much.) Why do people find themselves involved in an affair?
Next week: Does pornography lead to affairs? Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com I’m getting in ahead of the “silly” season of Christmas and New Year. It’s such a fun time when we start celebrating though unfortunately, there are more opportunities for the “silliness” to go too far with regretful consequences. It may well be easier to throw caution to the wind at the time, however acting on feelings harboured throughout the year such as resentment or lust can get you in a right pickle. For this reason, it’s timely to write about the topic of infidelity. The repercussions impact generations. They cause poor physical health, fuel alcohol and substance abuse, create symptoms for post-traumatic stress disorder and even result in suicide. Many people mistakenly think that infidelity isn’t really infidelity unless there is sexual contact. With special thanks to influencers for this series, Dr Jenny Fitzgerald, Dr Shirley Glass, Dr Sue Johnson, the Relationship Institute Australasia and Esther Perel, here is some clarification on what can be defined as infidelity?
Coming up in the ensuing weeks are: Why do people do affairs happen? What are the signs to look for? Pornography and affairs. Can you recover from affairs? Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com You’re sick of fighting. It’s a never ending merry-go-round of ‘He-said’, ‘She said’, ‘You did this’ and ‘You did that.’ Sound familiar? If it does, it might be time for you to flex your forgiveness muscle. I recently read a fascinating account about forgiveness. Matt Thiele, a prolific Queensland-based pastor, recounted personal stories he heard from survivors of concentration camps. He described the horrors these people faced yet what astounded him the most was their capacity to remain joyful and kind. “… one key difference (of these people) seems to be forgiveness. Whether or not they chose to forgive their enemies had a great deal to do with what followed in their lives. Those that chose anger and to hold their grudges seemed tortured their whole lives … Those that chose to forgive their persecutors, seemed to be able to move on.” Choosing not to forgive can be toxic – both to yourself and to your relationship. Dr Caroline Leaf states that numerous studies have shown that we when don’t forgive and revisit our memories of the supposed wrongdoing, a fear response is produced in our amygdala (the part of our brain responsible for our emotions). This response causes a release of stress hormones which increases our heart rate and blood pressure. If we keep holding on to our betrayals and anger, this response remains active, putting us at risk of developing stress-related illness both mentally and physically. Forgiving is not easy. Just like any other difficult task, you have to learn how to do it by putting in the time and effort. But for the sake of your own emotional well being, as well as that of your partner and ultimately, your relationship, do you think it’s worth it? A good starting point is to look at the ATTUNE acronym devised by Dan Yoshimoto. It has five basic tenets to help you build trust - a key in your ability to forgive and create a healthier YOU. This concept centres on you trying to understand things from your partner’s perspective while remain neutral - rather than defensive - in your responses. The ATTUNE philosophy is a great starting point but let’s keep going. I have five more fantastic tips to help you grow your ‘forgiveness muscle’: TOP FIVE FORGIVENESS TOOLS 1. Look Inwards, Practice Empathy Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can be such an easy thing to do - except when it comes to your partner! More often than not we feel more empathy for people we hardly know rather than the ones we hold dearest. When your forgiveness muscle is slack, simply ask yourself this: ‘How is he/she feeling right now?’, ‘Are they justified in their actions?’, and ‘What is my part in this?’ Answering all these questions will put in you in a clearer state of mind and help you on the path to forgiveness. 2. Switch Off The Nasty Voice We all have an inner voice and more often than not, it doesn’t play nicely. When we fight, its critical nature comes to the fore, spewing forth things like ‘He’s trying to manipulate you’ or ‘She’s twisting your words again’ or ‘Just ignore him. You’ll feel better that way’. All of this is counter-productive to forgiveness. Learning to switch off the nasty voice and replace it with a kinder one is paramount to moving forward and playing fairly. 3. Let It Go No, I’m not talking about that darn ‘ole Frozen song, I promise! But the sentiment is simple and true – rather than holding on to all the little things your partner has done in the past (and I know you know what I mean – that vast catalogue of their wrongdoings stored in your brain!), you must learn to leave it behind you. You will fight, that is human nature, but don’t hold onto the upsets. Work through the current issue and the forget it. Start fresh. 4. Ditch The Past Baggage Like it or not, your childhood plays a big part in the relationship you have with your partner. The way you grew up influences the person you are now. If you have difficult memories of childhood, this can impact on your current relationship. Perhaps you had a parent who used silence to let you know they were angry. Consequently, each time your partner is quiet, you find yourself wondering ‘What have I done?’, ‘Why are they punishing me?’ In reality, your partner may just be tired and having a quiet moment. But the baggage we bring to a relationship is always there so take the time to acknowledge this. Work out where your fear stems from, put it into context and evaluate your behaviour from this logical, rational standpoint. 5. Outcome When you’re in the thick of an argument, it’s very hard to ‘see the forest for the trees’. You lose track of the goal of being on the side same – a tenet of any good partnership – because you’re so concerned with winning. But for you to win, your partner has to lose. Is this the outcome you truly want? Focus instead on the goal of cooperation and commitment to forgiving and see if that leads you down a better road instead. Download your FREE 30 days to Relationship Respect HERE in honour of Marriage Week. Why don't you both check out our free Self Evaluation Quiz found on TheConfidante's App. DOWNLOAD OUR FREE GREAT "APP" for helpful tips to support you and your relationships at: http://TheConfidante.mobapp.at Stay motivated with our daily Facebook inspirations at: http://www.facebook.com/TheConfidanteCounselling Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast professional Counsellor and Psychotherapist with a keen interest in relationships and pre-marriage therapy. She is often found contributing through guest speaking invitations and has also produced her own books, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, The Relationship Rejuvenator E-Book and presented a series of relationship seminars.
However, if you’re losing that important connection with your partner, your neighbours are rolling down their blinds and you spend days after an argument slamming doors and muttering under your breath, then it’s time to take steps to finding a more satisfying solution. Ever really tried to understand how your partner ticks? Maybe there is no ‘better’ way to argue but a better way to understand each other when having a disagreement. Understanding the way another person ticks is the route to a peaceful result. It’s all very well standing in a room full of emotionally charged tension and “listening” to the other person during a “row”. Anyone can listen to a clock tick tock; it’s whether you actually “register the time” (hear what’s being said). Do you both understand the true emotions behind the vicious circle of arguments you might be having with each other? Here we go again…! If you understand the emotions driving your partner, then arguments may well come to a satisfying conclusion a lot sooner. Most arguments in a long-term relationship are repetitive, so get to know what they are really about and why they keep repeating themselves. You know that frustrating feeling when you’ve asked your husband to do something 20 times and it still hasn’t been done and you’re about to totally ‘lose it’! Ask yourself – does your partner understand it’s not just about them not changing a light bulb or getting the car fixed or even unloading the dishwasher – it’s more about – reliability, dependability and attentiveness. Don’t walk too far…. Don’t walk away from an argument without resolving it. We hear the expression “time out” a lot but it needs a clause! This is expressed well in "Fighting Fair" by Dr Sue Johnson who says “Aren’t we all just a little threatened by our loved one being able to turn and walk away, as if we didn’t matter at all?” Too true – ‘time out’ might well give you time to simmer down but the root cause of the argument hasn’t gone away. That light bulb still needs changing, the dishwasher still needs emptying and you’re feeling frustrated and unheard! The argument has been dismissed, only to flare up, like a nasty rash, at a later date and your partner has been left feeling as if their opinion is unimportant. Self regulate! If your heart rate is up, be aware that minimal words of value will appear from your mouth. Take ten minutes then return with a calmer and more helpful approach. Insults that punch! Brain imaging studies show that rejection and exclusion trigger the same circuits in the same part of the brain, the anterior cingulate, as physical pain. In fact, this part of the brain turns on anytime we are emotionally separated from those who are close to us. A harsh word lights up the brain similarly to a physical punch! It hurts! If you call you’re your wife a “Selfish *Insert yours here*,” for example, it creates an emotional injury. Once those hurtful words are out there, there’s really no reversing them. Also, avoid throwing threats around willy-nilly. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to throw threats around, shouting “I want a divorce!” (When you don’t), but remember that these threats may ring in your partners ears (worse than tinnitus), long after the row has ended. Dream on! We need to consider our high expectations of each other. How did you dream this situation would have played out nicely? How would your partner want it resolved? What can we do to work together to reach an agreement? Part of resolving an argument is learning some tolerance and really listening. What is your partner really saying? Perhaps your partner is under enormous stress at work? Perhaps he or she is too tired to cook a three course meal every night? You need to respect the external pressures outside the relationship. Question how attentive you are to each other too. As Sue Johnson says again in Psychology Today, “We start out intensely connected to and responsive to our partners. But our level of attentiveness tends to drop off over time.” Express yourself (It’s not just an 80’s song!) When you lose a connection with your partner it makes you feel insecure and this in itself can cause arguments because you might feel abandoned, you might even retreat. Issues left to fester usually lead to the same argument. No matter what amazing skills your partner may have, they are not a mind reader. It’s important to tell your partner how you feel before an argument escalates. Expressing yourself clearly using FEELING words goes hand in hand with respect. Dr Sue Johnson further explains the above by using sex as an example. Perhaps your partner says they don’t want sex that night. Rather than feel hurt or rejected and throwing a nasty comment back you could tell your partner how you feel, gently, perhaps that you’re hurt or you feel unwanted. This helps to re-establish the connection. It’s possible your partner didn’t want sex because they were genuinely exhausted or stressed out due to work or just because they actually would rather a cuddle instead! The Mind Unleashed quoting Gottman research in "10 Ways That Happy Couples Argue Differently”, cleverly advises “attack the problem, not the person” Clean up the mess When the argument is over there is still more to do – call it “cleaning up”. Re-iterate you still love your partner. Apologise it turned out this way. Make your loved one feel secure. Any hurtful words that were said need to be soothed. Touch them too, because this is the most primitive way of re-establishing a lost connection and facilitating safety. Just a small hug or holding their hand will help to soothe and reduce the anger and tears. Finally… The secret to a successful relationship isn’t not to argue – it’s to deal with the arguments with respect, genuine kindness and most of all, love. A chief predictor for relationship erosion is lack of emotional responsiveness. If you’ve got anything from this – TUNE IN! Oh, and remember – making up should then be a pleasure!
Here's Part One of this current series featuring the most common obstacles in Relationship Therapy.
Welcome to our NEW "Relationship Hurdles Series" featuring some of the greatest obstacles we notice in Relationship Therapy. If there was a chance you could gain insight to what couples are facing, here it is. We know you will enjoy this series and be inspired by it! Here's our first post: DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE DIFFERENT INTERESTS? “Opposites Attract”! Do you think it's true? No one is completely alike. We are ALL uniquely and wonderfully made. Some relationships are based on mutual enjoyment of hobbies, values and interests. You may be the couple who met whilst playing golf or the pair who kept bumping into each other whilst visiting the theatre. Maybe you met through friends? This mutual enjoyment of something probably triggered conversation and attraction. Others however, can be attracted to each other by a powerful, unknown force. You may be the couple who met across a crowded room, no explanation other than you found each other totally alluring. You chatted, you enjoyed each other’s company and you began a relationship. This relationship can work well even though you seemingly have little in common! You can both aim for the stars! Whilst the commonality can be friends or work rather than just interests, there is usually something that binds a couple together - people can be complete opposites despite this. You might love camping holidays sleeping under the stars. Your wife might like a luxury resort and the only stars she’s interested in, are 5 stars. Your husband may prefer a quiet night in with an action movie and a can of beer while you might prefer a glass of bubbles and Karaoke with a crowd. The differences do not matter; in fact they can be extremely positive because they can also encourage each of you in the relationship to try something you may not have thought of before. What matters is wanting to be a part of your other half’s life and being willing to try new things. Many relationships feature polar opposite personality styles! You may be very quiet, he may be the life and soul. She may be a worrier and you might be so laid back you’re about to slip into a coma. The difference can be a positive influence. If two people are very obstinate they may struggle to find a happy medium – certainly in an argument. If two people are very laid back, it could mean that nothing gets done or resolved. If you are the laid back person and your other half is very driven they may well give you a push when you need it and vice versa. The Importance of Values & Beliefs Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D tells us in Psychology Today: “Couples with very different interests can have healthy relationships – what counts is that they share common goals and values.” As long as you both have the same principles, such as how you believe your children should be brought up, giving to charity, the importance of family, work ethics etc. then the interests you don’t share do not matter. Essentially, couples don’t have to do everything together – it’s healthy to have outside interests too and to be able to function without each other. If you love to belt out some tunes on your trusty guitar that’s fantastic and if she would rather a good game of tennis with her friends, that’s equally wonderful! Mutual Respect & Compromise The point is it doesn’t matter what your interests are and whether they are different from your partner’s – it is about respecting those differences. Dr Sue Johnson says “Relationships can survive partners being very different…it’s ok. The one thing love can’t survive is constant emotional disconnection.” It’s about being able to talk to each other and have your voices heard, listening to each other’s needs. It is also about balance. If your partner loves watching sport on TV but you would rather watch ‘Survivor’ (which they hate) compromise, half an hour of sport, then switch over to see who gets ‘voted off the island’ – failing that, get two TV’s! He says Potato – She Says Potahto: How do you strike the balance? Learn to respect each other, even if you are both complete opposites and you don’t agree, be humble enough to listen to his or her opinion and appreciate that sometimes, views are different. As an example, you could have opposing political views, if you know these lead to an argument take a step back, enjoy that everyone is entitled to their view, listen and if you can’t agree – agree to disagree! (Oh, and don’t plan a romantic dinner on polling night!)
Look our for our top 15 Tips on Relationship Interests Social Media in the coming weeks. Joanne Wilson is a professional counsellor and psychotherapist with an interest in relationships and pre- marriage therapy. She has produced her own book, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, and presented a series of relationship seminars on the Sunshine Coast, For more information, contact Joanne Wilson on 0409 909 933 or jo@theconfidantecounselling.com |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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