Back by popular demand from my 2018 Australia Day Slang for Dating Couples featured here, this is your up to date Romance Communication guide. It is particularly useful for newcomers to our great southern land, or those just needing to brush up on how to get a fair crack of the whip for that perfect local catch. Bogan: Some refer to this great Australian as unsophisticated. They’re often found in flannelette shirt, tracky dacks and thongs accompanied by a durry and a tinnie. Male names always end with an “o” such as Davo or Stevo. You can easily search the web for the latest list of Aussie bogan names for any possible offspring they may have. Bottle-O: Your bogan date is sure to chuck a U-ey just to get there as an essential detour to your dating destination such as Maccas, the Servo for a pie or Bunnings for a sausage sizzle. Buggered: If you can’t be, then you’re probably not that into them. Cark it: This could be something like your relationship, the cat, your car. It means to die or stop working and requires attention. Carrying on like a pork chop: Behaviour like this is sure to turn off any possible romance. Try to dial down your crazy silly talk, take a few deep breaths and have another go. You don’t want them to think you have a few roos loose in the top paddock. Chockers: What a great date that would be. Otherwise known as full as a goog, satisfied, watered and well fed! Chuck a sickie: If the surfs up or your hot new beau is in town, you’re calling in sick without feeling crook. You avoid being seen on social media at all costs. Chunder: A dreadful outcome from first date nervous swilling, guaranteed to turn off any chance of a snog at the end of your romantic interlude. Fair shake of the sauce bottle: Whilst first impressions count, and you totally want to suss them out. It is worth however, giving your date a fair chance at impressing you before you write them off as a tosser. Fix you up: Unless it’s guaranteed they’re frothing at the bit to see you again, be wary if this is mentioned on your first date. You don’t want them to go walkabout after some furphy they’ve promised to cough up or otherwise known as pay you back. Hard yakka: A person with an honest, good work ethic is someone you want to hook up with. They’ll be a great provider and will contribute to the household income. Knackered: Use this is you want a quick exit from your date. You’re exclaiming fatigue before you bid “Hoooroo”. Loose cannon: Your mates will be sure to let you know if your new partner is one of this type. It denotes lack of self-control in public places and they’re concerned for your well-being and long-term happiness. Nah, yeah: This means “Yes” versus the antonym, “Yeah, nah”. Be careful your “No” does mean no or you’ll find yourself in a right pickle. Ridgey-didge: Another catch you want to hang on to. You new friend is the real deal, they’re authentic and honest. Strewth, you’re lucky to find this. She’ll be right: You’ve got to be stoked with a reassuring partner saying all will be ok. There’s nothing better than an Australian buddy who will not only take the mickey out of you when you’re feeling down, slap your butt and shout you a drink. Straight to the pool room: This is where all your best selfie shots will be hung on the wall next to stuffed marlin, rods and footy trophies. Tell him he’s dreamin’: A handy phrase for the ladies when your date is progressing a little too fast with unrealistic expectations. You might be ok with a cheeseburger, but you’re not offering the lot. Tickets on yourself: I’m the first to promote a healthy sense of self, however a prospective partner with an inflated opinion of themselves is your red flag for possible lack of self of esteem lurking beneath their brag and all too confident facade. Tradie, Truckie, Sparky, Chippy, Digger, Shrink, Doc, Copper, Desk Jockey, Bricky: These are all common terms for vocations. It’ll make wonderful conversation to ask further about how they make a crust. Now you’re up to date with the true blue meaning of Australian romance to ensure you don’t stuff it up and look like a flaming galah! Happy Australia Day weekend and go easy on the turps. I’ll be sure to return to a professional columnist with decorum next week! Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Now here’s a fabulous 2019 idea for all Sunshine Coast “marrieds”. It’s not necessarily an expensive idea and can be as big, little and public or private as you like. It brings you back to why you married in the first place. It’s not a totally new concept and admittedly one I had previously considered a little cheesy, pointless and an excuse to “look at me”. That was until I journeyed with a couple in therapy who’d been confronted by major relationship trauma. They sought to start the new year fresh and connected. They drew a line in our pristine Noosa sand that marked building a brand-new shiny castle of a relationship built on a solid foundation of greater understanding and growth they’d achieved through significant adversity the year prior. They’d given me the honour to officiate with a renewal of their vows on a glorious New Year’s Day morning on the beach accompanied by one friend, a camera, their beautiful children and some personal touches on the beach. Not only was I thrilled to revel in the joy from contributing to this couple but amazed by their tenacity and strength to intentionally forgive and turn toward each other through this beautiful ritual. As you could imagine, it was emotional. I loved them, I loved the ritual, I loved myself and loved this poignant start to the year! Here’s why I wanted to share the idea:
Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. It is never too late to learn to cavort in an intuitive, intimate strut as a couple. Last week I spoke figuratively about the styles of awkward dances people can find themselves mechanically and repetitively moving around in as they try and negotiate their way out of monotomy or conflict. This can be the time of year, people are looking to “level up” in their relationship however some find the concept of trawling online for a professional to help with relationship problems frightfully confronting so I’ve suggested a secret alternative in the meantime. It’s totally confidential, private and you can take as long as you like. Your own private counsellor is a book and here’s an extension to those suggested last week: Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs: This one is considered a “classic” among marriage books. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with conflict quickly. I love this one for it’s overarching theme of respect and kindness which is an essential component of my therapeutic approach in regaining connection. It has Christian themes but if you’re not that way inclined, it still has plenty of simple, scientifically researched messages. The new Rules of Love and Marriage by Terrence Real: Whilst many relationship counselling approaches recognise gender differences and needs, I appreciate the author’s recognition on the change in the last twenty-five years. We can’t deny that women have become powerful, independent and self-confident. Despite being a bloke, Real says many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached and don’t know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up. Very brave statement coming from a fella! Terrence Real instructs women how to master the new rules of twenty-first-century marriage by offering them a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He identifies what to avoid and shares practical strategies for bringing honesty, passion, and joy back to even the most difficult relationship. Real guides you through the process of relationship repair with exercises that you can do alone or with your partner. His book is based on the idea that every woman has the power to transform her marriage, while men, given the right support, have it in them to rise to the occasion. I’d agree that we now expect and want so much from our relationships than ever before. Sunshine Coast couples are often living in isolation form their birth families and more than any other generation, we yearn for our mates to be lifelong friends and lovers. The New Rules of Marriage seeks to show us how to fulfil this courageous and uncompromising new vision. Why men want sex and women need love by Allan & Barbara Pease: Aside from your friendly relationship columnist chum, you’ve got to love the other local relationship experts on the Sunshine Coast. They’re also a tad more international than me! Not only can this be your own private counselling reference but a highly entertaining read. Allan and Barb will be sure to have you chuckling all the way through as you are enlightened by this practical, witty and down-to-earth guide. By translating science and research, you’ll be guided on how to pursue true happiness and compatibility with the opposite sex. It includes the top five things women want from men, what to do when the chemistry is wrong what turns men and women on – and off! The Gottman Institute: If books aren’t your thing, then Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s life work as researchers and clinical psychologists have a rich source of information based on over 40 years of research with more than 30,000 couples – the most extensive studies ever done on marital stability. Head to their website, sign up for their blogs, check out their apps and relish in their vast resources! You now have a great head start with your own private counsellor to trip the light fantastic in 2019. You’re welcome. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Let’s hope you found a way to jig merrily in your own special way into the year. I like to think the first few days of New Year are like a slow tempo of recovery. It’s about now when a vast majority pick up the beat and re-evaluate where they’re at in life or their relationship. Hopefully you’re on a roll and seek to gain even more momentum with a hip hop to it again this year. Thankfully, many couples will learn new moves to avoid a repeat of the stilted tune they danced in their relationship in 2018. Does the music stop at times, falling to a deafening silence between you for days on end? Maybe it’s more like sadcore rock characterised by bleak lyrics and harsh words. You’re wondering how you find yourselves caught in the same monotonous dance repeating the same moves attempting to side step your way out of disagreement trapped in isolation and loneliness for days on end. Do you find the concept of trawling online for a professional to help you with your relationship problems frightfully confronting? Is it way too inappropriate to reveal to your friends to ask for someone they might know who could help? If you’re not at a point where you’re able to reach out in person to a friendly therapist like myself, there’s a secret alternative. No-one will see or know! It’s totally confidential, private and you can take as long as you like. It’s like your own private counsellor in your bedroom – a book! Here’s my list to get your started. If you're single, now is your time to gain valuable insight for your next partnership. It’s also a great foundation to launch yourselves for Relationship Counselling later if you need it: Hold me Tight: by Susan Johnson: Forget about learning how to argue better, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Susan helps you recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Based on her Emotionally Focussed Therapy style, it focusses on creating and strengthening this emotional bond by identifying and transforming the key moments that foster an adult loving relationship. It walks the reader through seven conversations that capture the defining moments in a love relationship and instructs how to shape these moments to create a secure and lasting bond. Love Sense: also by Susan Johnson – builds on practical, accessible advice on building more intimacy, safety, and trust; coping with separation distress, loss, and forgiveness; and strengthening your safe-haven relationship to build a lifetime of love. It can change the way you think about love and I love the way she thinks! The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is an oldie but a goodie! Between busy schedules and long days, expressing love can fall by the way side. This book is about saying it and hearing it clearly. No gimmicks and no psychoanalysing required here. There’s also the Five Love Languages for Children, Teenagers and Singles. If you haven’t unveiled your love language or that of your spouse and children, it’s a wonderful simple concept - a must for 2019. It is never too late to begin to learn to dance a new groove in the new year as a couple. I can’t wait to expand on your own confidential Counsellor’s list next week. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Kissing is awesome (according to me) and there are so many reasons to talk about it:
Why do we kiss each other? The short un-scientific answer is we have no idea! The long answer is that we have no idea because not every culture and society on Earth does it. Nobody has a definitive answer about why it’s something we’d even start doing to begin with. We do have a lot of ideas about why we kiss people and I’m sure you’re thinking of a few. It’s important to note that some cultures, particularly more “primitive” ones, find the practice strange and, in some cases, downright unpleasant. We can assume therefore that kissing isn’t something ingrained in human behaviour; it’s very much a social construct and different between different cultures. From what I’ve researched about kissing, here are some of the top reasons scientists think we kiss:
No wonder that kid was so worried about seeing “Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Underneath The Christmas Tree.” It releases a whole heap of chemicals related to making us feel good and encourage bonding. Kissing has much the same effect, releasing such love drugs as oxytocin and producing the same reactions. Where does this (non-Australian) Mistletoe come into it? It’s actually an old tradition dating back to Celt and Norse mythology. In one Norse tale, the son of the goddess, Frigga was killed by an arrow made out of mistletoe. Frigga was so distraught, her tears turned into white berries that coated the plant symbolizing her love for her lost son. She was so impressed by her white tear-berries, that she blessed the plant and promised a kiss to anyone who passed under the plant from that day on. We kiss under mistletoe because a goddess was so happy that she cried tear-berries after her son died that she promised everyone a kiss? Ancient mythological tales are… interesting. There are other Norse stories about a guy called Loki who deceived a blind God into murdering another God with an arrow made of Mistletoe, being the only plant to which he was vulnerable. Somehow then Mistletoe became a symbol of peace and friendship to appease for its part in the murder. Some traditions then developed into a men being allowed to kiss any woman standing underneath mistletoe, and that bad luck would befall any woman who refused the kiss. Mistletoe is a terrifying, parasitic plant that murders trees and produces poisonous white berries (that look red in all the pictures) and should not be eaten under any circumstances. How anyone decided this was a plant to symbolise love and affection is anyone’s guess. No - it’s not native to Australia. We have enough petrifying flora and fauna without having to worry about poisonous parasitic tree-killing weeds. For a truly enjoyable Aussie Christmas, I suggest substituting the mistletoe for a gum leaf. At least they’re more therapeutic and friendly. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Oh, the joys and pitfalls of the workplace Christmas party. Do you go to yours? If you’re in a relationship, I’m wondering how you feel about your spouse’s Christmas party? Some don’t include partners, so do you happily send them off awaiting their tipple topple return wearing their best Christmas sweater rashie in the wee hours? Do you become anxious about the gin fuelled possibilities that may have caused much angst last year when you had no idea where they were? Is the busty, blonde bombshell your boyfriend sits next to each day going to be there this year? What about that muscly guy from the Sales department that seems all too caring and chatty with your partner? It comes up all too frequently in relationship counselling. Whilst it would be fabulous the Christmas season be a time of calm, connectedness and reflection, it often spirals into some sort of tangled string of festive flashing chaos of lights doused with alcohol. Thanks to your local friendly relationship specialist, I’m here to support you through what can be a fearfully unwelcome phase of unrest. Here is your “Festive Insurance Plan” to ensure you continue to remain in joyous jingle bells tune with your partner:
In summary, be regularly present with even a few minutes of time with your partner amongst all the distractions of screens, places to be and things to buy. Use these moments to engage with deeper questions for closeness. Be open to the possibilities of their responses and gift them with emotional attentiveness. Communicate your faith in the relationship and have a jolly good time! Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Happy World Cliché Day!
Didn’t know there is a World Cliché Day? You can count on your friendly local relationships columnist to let you know it is today. You could say I’m killing two birds with one stone with this article: educating you about obscure international [insert vague thing here] days and providing relationship advice. And yes, using lots of terrible clichés. More than you could poke a stick at. This article’s going to have clichés coming out its backside, so buckle up and get ready for a ride. Let’s start with some fun facts about Cliché Day! A cliché is a phrase used over and over and over or an aspect of artistic work that occurs in films or music as often! If you can’t stand tired old clichés for fear of sounding stupid, this is your day to cleanse your system and get them all out. What does any of this have to do with relationships? Cliché dates. We’ve all seen them in movies and on TV; read them in books or online lists. I’m talking candlelit dinners at fancy, European restaurants, walks on the beach, dinner and a show. You’ve probably rolled your eyes at half of them. Here’s the thing, clichés become clichés for a reason. Usually, because they were popular because people enjoyed them. We might sit and wonder how something as uncreative as a romantic dinner at a French restaurant could make it into a multi-million-dollar movie? When was the last time you had a romantic dinner at a French restaurant? It’s nice. It’s fancy. It’s unusual. We even feature French cuisine on the Sunshine Coast. It’s, well, romantic. So why not use this incredibly bizarre day as an excuse to do all those sentimental, cliché romantic tropes we’ve seen in countless movies? You might realise how much you enjoy some of them. Just because something’s a cliché doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Get as corny and cringe-inducingly cliché as you can, blame it on being on World Cliché Day. Most of all, take the bull by the horns and enjoy the time with your partner having the cheesiest fun you can think of. Footloose and fancy free? Don’t judge a book by its cover and take a risk for a cliché date with someone you might not usually go for on Tinder? Be wary, there’s no such thing as a free lunch though. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com Food, glorious food! It’s one of the wonderful necessities of life. We eat throughout our marriage and relationships and, well, every part of our lives. Yet so few people in Western society take the opportunity to use this shared experience to strengthen their relationships. You may well have done the exciting and romantic dates in the early days at all your favourite restaurants as you gazed hopefully and lovingly into each other’s eyes. What about the every-day upkeep of our relationships? We all eat, yet how often do we sit down to a home-cooked meal without the TV and yes here I go again – or any screen? I realise they’ve made our lives easier to be kept up to date, entertained - oh and work anytime. Please do not fall into the trap of living under an unnecessary sense of urgency. It can put you in chronic toxic stress and make you sick—and give you terrible indigestion. This article is all about “Uniting Through Food” (UTF) using the amazing, tasty power of food to help unite with your partner and strengthen your relationship so read on then sing along at the end... Great to inspire the community with a reminder of the importance of the humble date in the media. Read the article here: http://www.sunshinecoastdaily.com.au/news/go-dating-to-keep-love-alive/2540134/
Navigating the Roles of a Lifetime: How to Juggle Being a Parent & Partner Struggle to find balance between your role as a parent and your role as a spouse or partner? Well, you have plenty of company here as nearly every parent at some point in time finds this to be a challenge. Being a parent and a partner may be your two most important and rewarding roles of your life, but they can almost be the most difficult. This doesn’t have to be the case though…you can achieve balance and the romance that comes with it! Try these simple TEN TIPS, designed to help you think, feel, and act differently within these roles. These will get you on your way to a happier partner, happier kids, and most importantly, a happier you! 1) Think of yourself as human A good starting point to help balance your roles as a parent and partner is to rethink your personal role. It may sound silly, but many of us fail to see ourselves as human and all of the things that come along with that: being imperfect, having bad days, needing to rest, etc. Here at TheConfidante we are all about excelling yourself however recognizing this and really embracing it is another thing! For example, not aiming for “Supermum” or “Wonderdad” – it is a great way to begin achieving more balance in these roles. A newborn is sure to take the focus off your spouse during this tricky time however realizing each others limitations in the face of lack of sleep will certainly be appreciated! 2) Discover your personal definitions of a “good partner” and a “good parent” What’s your definition of a “good wife” or “good husband?” What’s your definition of a “good parent?” Where did these ideas come from? Are you aiming to recreate what your parents did, aiming to do everything differently than them, or some of both? The point is, it’s worth taking some time to be clear about what type of partner and parent you’re aiming to be, where these ideas came from, and perhaps most importantly, consider if these ideas are realistic. Unrealistic expectations for yourself can leave you feeling like a “bad” or “absent” parent or partner. 3) Look at the big picture In the grand scheme of things, your kids will likely not remember the fact that you forgot to include their favorite snack in their lunch yesterday. Likewise, your wife will probably not remember that you were ten minutes late home last week. However, your kids and partner will remember the things that mattered and these should be your priorities as a parent and partner. For example, if you know that your child has an upcoming footy game or ballet concert that he or she is really excited about, make it a point to attend. If you know your partner has a big presentation at work this week, take a moment out of your day to send him or her some words of encouragement. These are the things that will count in the end! 4) Let go of guilt This may seem simple, but many of us find it hard to let go of the guilt we have about not always being there for our partner or kids. However, carrying around guilt only gets in your way of being the best parent and partner that you can be. So do yourself, your partner, and your kids a favour and excuse yourself from this burden. Chances are, if you’re reading this article in the first place you’re already a great partner and parent! 5) Let go of worry Similar to guilt, worry stands in our way of being our best selves. If that worry tricks us into thinking we’re doing something useful (because we’re thinking about the situation we’re worried about) worry is usually pointless. The next time you find yourself worried about if you upset your partner or your child by forgetting something important to them, or not being there when you said you would be, either do something about it (e.g., ask them how they feel) or if there’s nothing you can do, simply let it go and focus on moving forward. 6) Maintain healthy boundaries Boundaries can be easy to overlook but developing healthy ones can be one of the most important things you can do to help balance your roles as a partner and parent. For example, lack of boundaries leads to allowing your kids to interrupt time with your partner or vice versa, and decreased satisfaction for everyone involved. On the other hand, healthy boundaries involves having focussed time (like time devoted to only your partner, only your kids, or the whole family together) during which you don’t allow others to interrupt. Sync your calendars for a regular “date” with your partner and protect that time! 7) Focus on teamwork If you’re going to find a healthy balance between partnering and parenting, it’s vital that you and your partner are on the same page and working as a team. This means agreeing about what kind of parents and partners you want to be and constantly supporting each other in those efforts. Hold regular discipline discussions in private then remember to back your partner in the parenting decisions. Show appreciation for his or her daily efforts. Simple words can go a long way! 8) Model healthy behaviours Remember that what your kids learn from what they see you do. This will always matter more than what you say. Show your kids the value of having life balance and prioritizing relationships by modeling this in your actions. Contrary to popular belief, they actually can benefit from seeing you put your relationship with your partner first at times. 9) Communicate with everyone…including yourself! Never forget the value of open, honest communication. First, remember to tap into your own feelings and needs by taking some time each day for a self check-in. Second, check in with your partner and kids as well and be sure to communicate with them. Don’t assume that they know what you think, feel, or need, and never assume these things for them. Healthy communication leads to more balance and harmony for everyone! 10) Romance and Intimacy is paramount Remember your first date? Why not recreate those early days with something reminiscent? Maybe something completely different to surprise your partner? No family close by? Reach out to friends to help facilitate these tips if its either for time out on your own, a talk or for babysitting. It's ok to ask for help as parenting and partnering isn't always easy but definitely achievable. |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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