As promised, my next instalment on the wonderful world of relationships, happiness and the brain! Whilst you might be over my neurobabble of late, you’ve got to love the fabulous findings about the brain that explains joy and fulfillment! Recent social neuroscience research reveals a specific pattern of brain activity occurs when you perform kind acts for others. When your folks asked you to play kindly, they were setting your brain up for success. If you were to hand over $100 to someone in need without expecting anything in return, the limbic region of your brain will go “bing”. Ok, so it won’t make that sound, but it’ll reflect activity you’ve been compassionate. Furthermore, your medial prefrontal cortex and temporoparietal junction would also likely want to say something like, ”nice one” if it could! Whilst there’s much to be explored in this field, you can’t ignore these findings about the warm fuzzies your brain and body experience when you’re benevolent! There was also a very cool study published in Science, conducted through the University of Oregon about neuroarchitecture and altruism. They proved when their research subjects donated money voluntarily or involuntarily their part of the brain associated with the processing of unexpected rewards became active. The neurons there secrete dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in reward-motivated behaviour. (You also get a hit of this with “likes” on your Instagram post.) The team found higher amounts of dopamine for each subject when voluntarily choosing to donate as opposed to when they were forced to. As it turns out, whether we expect a reward or not, the midbrain will become activated regardless of whether we are sad or happy with our reason for doing it. It’s interesting that whether you feel good about it is irrelevant to this “hardwired” reward activity. Now that we know that the brain changes according to experience, activities like focussing, contemplating, and giving, cause it to grow and change. This is consistent with evidence of how your genes can be affected by your own environment. It makes absolute sense you can practise and train yourself or your children to be gracious and helpful for health reasons. The downstream effects of healthy brains to our body is an exciting current field of exploration. The bottom line? Find health and happiness by actively seeking opportunities to give and support others in your daily life. If you have children, create rituals in your family that inspires regular contributing together so it’s a natural enjoyable part of their culture from a young age. Examine yourself for those unhealthy ways you may have become addicted to lighting up your brain such as social media. We can also get tunnel vision with our robotic and urgent to-do’s, stuck in the latest reality television series or so distracted by our own problems; we lose sight of this grand beautiful picture! A world where we stay true to our inherent design relying on and supporting dynamic relationships and well-being for all. With thanks to “Altruistic behaviour - mapping behaviour responses in the brain” sourced from the National Library of Medicine. Joanne Wilson is a neuro psychotherapist, relationship specialist, radio co-host, workshop facilitator and guest speaker. Contact www.theconfidantecounselling.com or via email. I’m passing on a beaut little “go to” designed to keep your relationships thriving as well as beat off depression and anxiety. As featured last week, I had the honour of interviewing US neuropsychologist, Dr John Arden who’s devised a handy acronym that creates a happy and healthy brain. Post this up in your bathroom mirror for a constant reminder on ways to inspire SEEDS of joy for a fulfilling lifestyle, especially as we head on into the winter months here in Australia: S is for Social Connectivity: I know it can get so “peoply” out there sometimes but like it or not, we are designed relationally and thrive on emotional attentiveness. Loneliness causes cellular changes resulting in a weakened immune system, a propensity for addiction and even early symptoms of dementia! Our telomeres (caps on the end of our chromosomes) can shrink without cultivated and fostered social brain networks. Keep yourself engaged with real time authentic family or friends versus online acquaintances, likers and followers! E is for Exercise: Dr Arden says exercise is better than any anti-depressant or anxiety tool on the planet! He encourages 30 minutes of increased heart rate activity every day to stave off the blues. An array of awesome brain-enhancing biochemical processes occurs when we exercise which include producing new neurons in our brain. (No wonder all my best ideas are invented during a long jog, though unsure about the science of new concepts in the shower yet!). E is for Education: I’m sure you’ve heard, “If you don’t use it, you lose it”- true story. If you’re not constantly learning, you’re not building an infrastructure of brain connectivity. The more connectivity, the richer your cognitive reserve later in life. I recently read about Yale professor, Paul Bloom who specialises in cognitive psychology and pleasure research. He says pleasure doesn’t just occur – it develops. Want to know how to get it? He says study more! Aside from a headache from guzzling a lot of expensive wine frequently, we know it won’t provide as much happiness as if you were to learn about wine along the way! Instead of seeking delight from experiencing something over and over, gain knowledge from your object of pleasure. D is for DIET: Feed your brain with nutritious fuel as your brain chemicals need it. A diet of fried hot chips and sauce will starve your amazingly created head of healthy neurotransmitters. Do that and you’re up against it to think clearly and positively. Neuroscientist Dr Caroline Leaf states 95% of your serotonin and half of the dopamine in the body are produced in your gut. Importantly, don’t fall into the trap of the unnecessary sense of urgency to eat on the go. Eat slowly until you’re 80% full and let your mind be your guide – not your eyes! S is for Sleep: Achieving functional sleep is a deterrent for depression and anxiety. Dr Arden says sleep medications can hinder our sleep cycle required to naturally consolidate memories. Did you know your brain and body stays quite active when we sleep as it plays a housekeeping type role removing toxins? When we mess it all up with drugs and alcohol, it makes sense we experience that very apt term I recently heard of, “hangxiety” and dreadful symptoms afterward. Do it often enough and you get depressed and anxious. Struggling in this area? Start with mindfulness, prayer, exercise or a therapist to collaborate on sleep strategies to combat any over-thinking at all the wrong times. Happy planting and join me next week for another great way to light up the reward centres of your brain! Email me if you’d like more information on Dr Arden’s SEEDS Worksheet and don’t forget to listen in for my interviews with some of the esteemed authors and neuroscientists from the conference on Friday mornings Salt 106.5 breakfast show with Kristian. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. I’m sure my Intelligence Quotient increased this week merely by attending the International Conference of Applied Neuroscience. You’re welcome to contest this but I’m enthusiastically owning it. As I basked in the company of a bunch of “incrediclever” mental health workers with PhD’s, GP’s, psychologists, counsellors and social workers, I marvelled at their earnest desire to help and inspire people to wellness. You’d think my newly acquired intelligence would produce an article featuring some rather substantial long words commencing with neuro and ending with brain-derived neurotrophic factor. Whilst these terms are incredibly important, I’ve kept it simple for us. Love is the answer. For all this listening and learning from thought leaders in my field, you’d think I’d need to share much more today. Whilst there were some fascinating insights to reveal in subsequent articles, this is a simple, beautiful place to start. No matter how compromised your home life was as a child, how much you’re grieving from loss, how bullied you’ve been, neglected, lonely or subsequently depressed you feel – finding someone to provide you emotional attentiveness can be your turning point toward thriving and joy. Enjoying the trusting therapeutic alliance with another beautiful human who will listen, guide and support your choice to growth is a gift. Those people who help you realise you truly matter - is paramount. Did you also know that feeling bad over life’s curve balls does not mean you necessarily have a mental disorder? Our immediate society means we expect an instant fast connection and quick fix. I’m talking about the next Netflix episode “coming up” in 30 seconds, high speed online information (not on the Sunshine Coast unfortunately), fast food and a pill for anything else. Death and grieving, losing your job or feeling down when life isn’t going so smooth may not mean you require a mental health diagnosis. Adversely, experiencing true joy as a comparison to life going great doesn’t mean you are manic! Life sure is a roller coaster and building resilience with your toolbox of healthy strategies is worth acquiring. When you can’t get out of your funk, lean on a mental health professional to help you navigate your way out and decide if you need medicinal support. Just saying, it doesn’t always mean you’re about to be diagnosed with a ghastly disorder! Furthermore, gone are the days we can blame our inherited genes for all our shonky habits, depression, anxiety or any tendency to chew with our mouth open. Sorry folks, you can only allocate only 2% of your “pre-determined” genes to that. The rest are non-encoded which means the other huge 98% is affected by your environment and subsequent ability to self-regulate, apply self-discipline and be resilient in the face of adversity. Genes only lay out potentials and vulnerabilities but don’t dictate your thoughts, feelings or behaviour. You can even turn them off by changing your behaviour and environment! Change that and your brain changes. Very cool. This has been found to apply to other mammals. Did you know that research studies prove that rat pups who were lovingly licked by their rat mummy have greater resilience and regulation than those who didn’t enjoy such a caring environment? These happy little gnarly rodents enjoy a more effective thermostat for stress featuring less cortisol and more serotonin (the happy neurojuice). Love is the answer! With special thanks to Dr John Arden, author of Mind-Brain-Gene: Toward Psychotherapy Integration, for his inspiring presentation and interview. I look forward to sharing more wondrous “neurofacts” and how important they relate to our relationships. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. How’s your day? Maybe not so good? Has your year been an absolute shocker? Are you going through a rough patch? Made some major life mistakes? Grieving through separation or death? Feeling on the outer circle, unattractive, a failure or lonely? New to the Sunshine Coast and don’t know anyone? As depression and anxiety continues to rise, I’ve got an idea to support anyone experiencing bad days that extend into weeks. You may have read the beautiful poem about seasons from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 that includes, “There’s a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…” Is this your worst time? Take even the smallest step to turn toward someone else’s time. Turn your shocking time into your best time by gifting a service to someone. There sure is a time to grieve and be sad, but one wonderful strategy to move from that time is finding the greatest fulfillment in what I believe is inherent in our human design – serving others. Even you have unique talents awaiting to be gifted to others. A neighbour, a stranger or an organisation will be forever grateful for the day you chose to turn your own atrocious, depressing day into your best. This is the day when you put your hand up and extended it to care. Last week was the 30th year celebration of National Volunteer Week that gratefully honours volunteers. This year’s theme is “Making the World of Difference” and you can too! Search #NVW2019 online for inspiring memes and stories. Surprise someone in your street with a home-made yummy something, pay for someone’s coffee anonymously, deliver food hampers, work at the soup kitchen, create, craft or build anything required. If you can’t think of anything, check out www.volunteeringqld.org.au. Here are their reasons why you will benefit as it offers the chance to:
Don’t allow adversity to consume you. Consume it by making a world of difference and one step closer to your time to dance. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly Friday morning radio co-host on Salt106.5, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. You’re sick of fighting. It’s a never-ending merry-go-round of ‘He-said’, ‘She said’, ‘You did this’ and ‘No, I didn’t.’ Sound familiar? If it does, it might be time to work on your ability to forgive.
Do you ever wonder why some people who yet having experienced incredible adversity, come out the other end joyful and kind? It seems one key difference in these individuals is forgiveness. Whether they chose to forgive themselves or their perpetrators had a great deal to do with what followed in their lives. Those that choose anger and hold their grudges seem bitter and tortured their whole lives. The decision not to forgive can be toxic – both to yourself and to your relationship. I recently wrote about coping with your partner’s family and friends and this is often an area where you’re challenged to forgive freely. I am fascinated by the numerous studies that have shown that we when don’t forgive and revisit our memories of the supposed wrongdoing, a fear response is produced in our amygdala (the part of our brain responsible for our emotions). This response causes a release of stress hormones which increases our heart rate and blood pressure. If we keep holding on to our betrayals and anger, this response remains active, putting us at risk of developing stress-related illness both mentally and physically. Unforgiveness keeps us awake at night and keeps the perceived wrong-doer living rent-free in our head for far too long. Forgiving is not easy. Just like any other difficult or new task, you need to learn how to do it with repetition and consistency. For the sake of your own emotional well- being, as well as that of your partner - it’s worth it. If you struggle to forgive, these five tips may help: 1. Slow it down Ensure you are not in a heightened emotional state. Allow 20 minutes to slow your heart rate down then ask yourself these questions to provide a clearer perspective: ‘How is he/she feeling right now?’, ‘Are they justified in their actions?’, and ‘What is my part in this?’ Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is no easy task - especially when it comes to your spouse. 2. Switch Off the Nasty Voice We all have an inner voice, and sometimes it doesn’t play nicely. When we fight, its critical nature comes to the fore, spewing forth things like ‘He’s trying to manipulate you.’ or ‘She’s twisting your words again.’ or ‘Just ignore him. You’ll feel better that way.’ All of this is counter-productive to forgiveness. In the heat of emotion, replacing these with kind and respectful self-talk is paramount to moving forward and playing fairly. 3. It’s a choice Rather than holding on to all the little things your partner has done, (and I know you know what I mean – that vast catalogue of their wrongdoings stored in your brain!) you must learn to choose to leave it behind you. You will have conflict, that is human nature. Don’t hold onto the upsets. Work through the current issue through listening and validating and grow together from it. 4. Ditch the Baggage Like it or not, your childhood and parent/carer relationship role models play a big part in the relationship you have with your partner. Perhaps you had a parent who used silence to let you know they were angry. Consequently, each time your partner is quiet, you find yourself wondering ‘What have I done?’. Your partner may just be tired and having a quiet moment. Work out where your fear stems from, put it into context and evaluate your behaviour from this logical, rational standpoint. 5. Who will win? When you’re in the thick of an argument, it’s very hard to ‘see the forest for the trees’. You lose track of the goal of being on the side same (a tenet of any good partnership) because you’re so concerned with winning. But for you to win, your partner needs to lose. Is this the outcome you truly want? Set the example on the goal of cooperation and commitment to flexing your forgiveness muscle and watch your relationship pump with synergy! Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. There’s nothing quite like the moving experience of the Sunshine Coast community together in silence in the early hours commemorating Anzac Day. As we remembered those Australian and New Zealand Army Corps soldiers who have fought and died for their country in Gallipoli campaign of the First World War, I contemplated our varied responses to grief.
No one is immune to the death of loved ones, and we lament differently. My surprising response I noticed last year when my brother died, was the urge to find the green thumb I didn’t know I had! Gardening is a past-time I’ve generally found rather tiresome, hot, fly blown and just so boring. Even worse, I ashamedly have a limited, pathetic botanical vocabulary. In contrast, having returned from my brother’s funeral, I was out there in the wee hours at the Yandina markets solemnly yet eagerly searching for green foliage! The children and I drove home precariously peering through massive flourishing fresh palms, bromeliads and peace plants I’d filled the car with! Having proudly and tenderly planted, potted and lovingly nurtured them (only one has died so far), I’ve since shared my experience with other grieving humans. It seems many have also turned to the soil for extended hours as they grappled with grief. Why? What’s that about? I went searching for answers and seems I shouldn’t be so perplexed. When you think about it, we are surrounded by dying each and every day. Go outside and see an abundance of life. We're also seeing the results of the death, decay, rejuvenation, restoration and renewal as featured in the cycles of life in the garden. It makes intuitive sense that a closer connection to nature can help us come to terms with death and the grieving process. How about the research around the importance of reconnecting people to nature that proves faster recovery rates, reduced stress, and eased symptoms of physical and mental illnesses? Then there’s the trendy term, “grounding” whereby we are encouraged to ditch the thongs and find health through natural electrical connection to earth by being barefoot. Here is what one friend said, “It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I learned firsthand the incredible role plants play in healing. To be cultivating in nature was to be quiet, to connect, and reflect what is incredibly important.” It is rather timely the Sunshine Coast Planting Festival is being held again next weekend 3-5 May! The Planting Festival focusses on the important issue of conservation. There will be book writing classes, horticulture lessons and how to recycle and re-purpose clothes. There are also film and comedy showings as well as a full program for kids including singing classes, learning about bugs, face painting, dance lessons, magic shows and art classes. How fun. I’ll go in honour of my brother! Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. You’ve fallen hook, line and sinker if you’ve bought into the belief you can cruise through a relationship without a disagreement. In fact, there is plenty of evidence that much of our conflict is caused by personality differences and values that are unsolvable. They’re inevitable! It’s not uncommon for couples I work with to openly admit they avoid conflict at all costs. Unfortunately, it can become increasingly icey below the surface, resentment sets in and the iceberg grows too large for the ship to navigate around. When supporting couples, it’s important for me to help them understand factors such as their key underlying emotions and triggers during conflict however here are some thoughts you can consider first: Realise what it is you’re arguing about. It’s a value difference. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about two people who have two different thoughts and opinions. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the other person and usually no one has malicious intent. You’re a human being trying to get along with another human being. It’s quite ok not to agree 100% of the time. Work out how important it really is to each of you. Rank on a 1-10 scale for realistically of “How much this means to me?” For one of you, what luggage to buy for your trip might be very important. For the other, it might be fairly irrelevant and more about criticism, financial values or seeking to be heard. Find out why it’s that important. If someone lists their choice to cruise around the Medditeranean versus fishing in Darwin as anything over a two or a three, there’s probably a reason. Listen to that reason. Show empathy to your partner as well as active listening. Avoid “correcting” their reasoning. And it goes the other way as well. If the issue’s not important to one of you and you’re just happy to be together, but they keep arguing it, find out why. What’s this really about? Recognise you’ve been triggered: Own the reality that you might not know why it is so important – but it is! Be present with yourself, take a deep breath and check-in with your ego that might be hungry for a feed? Keep it focussed. Don’t bring other issues or arguments into your current conversation. That goes for any disagreement, ever. If you find that you can’t address how long you should travel for without mentioning what happened last week, guess what? That’s likely an issue you need to be addressing next. Work as a team to find a solution. Sometimes there might need to be more of a respectful compromise. Maybe the person who’s super invested in the holiday can be the researcher, and the other person will take control of the financial aspect. Whatever the solution, work together and show kindness the same as you would your neighbour or friend. Everyday value differences are one of the most common problems couples face, and in the long run they can kind of be damaging. Bottling up your emotions is a fast way to an even worse problem, so it’s important to get it out in the open and deal with the issue like adults. Whether it’s holiday destinations, parenting, dishwashing or even food decisions, don’t let small value items turn into big value problems. Most of all, be timely with your communicating your grievances. Don’t forget that respect and kindness is the foundation of your flourishing relationship. Enjoy the ride. Listen in for my chat each Friday morning with Kristian on Radio Salt106.5. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. You must be feeling incredibly appreciated, astonishingly good looking and oh so fabulous this week. I bet that spring in your step is just a little bouncier today and your grin even wider than Luna Park? I can’t imagine how fulfilled and contented you must be just for knowing you’re acknowledged for the stamp you’re making on this world. Why on earth would that be? Why, it was World Compliment Day last Friday. I’m assuming you also surprised and delighted your fellow human beings as you shared the beautiful feeling of wellbeing well into the weekend. Who thinks of a World Compliment Day? Some guy in the Netherlands thought it was a good idea to come up with the most positive day in the world. If that’s true, good on you Hans – I’m all for it. There’s nothing I like better than positive reinforcement to rock my world. It could be that lovely Helen at the local pool to tell me she read and liked my article, my husband to say I look real pretty in that dress or my little tykes exclaiming their spag bol is amazing. I just want to do a massive “Oh what a feeling” Toyota jump on those days. I then find myself generating even more tributes to others too. It has a ripple effect! Yet so many of us at times in our life have enormous difficulty and feel incredibly awkward receiving the verbal gift of a compliment. It’s no different to my bestie carefully selecting a well thought a gift of a book from my favourite author and wrapping it beautifully. Excitedly she presents it, and I despondently say, “No thanks, take it back.” What the heck? How hurt and disappointed would she be? How can we learn to enjoy and receive the gift of a compliment to practice for next World Compliment Day and the 364 in-between? Firstly, reasons why we deflect them include lack of self-acceptance from low self-esteem, shame and guilt, anxiety, depression, perfectionism and narcissism. We can suffer some real hard-knocks and make some ridiculous choices in quick succession. Some people were raised hearing the theme, “You’ll never be good enough”. No wonder then you’d have trouble believing there’s something worthwhile to say about the person you so often dislike – you. We go to great magnitudes to deflect compliments such as denying them, arguing the case, diluting them, insulting ourselves in response or transferring the credit to someone else. Some even question the sincerity of the compliment giver. You know you secretly relish the thought of praise for that delicious lemon cake you made, the new contract you signed off at work or for scaling Mt Coolum five times in a row. With thanks to the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors, they suggest we try this instead:
Here’s your first chance to practice: I love the way you read my article. Joanne Wilson is the weekly columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily Weekend magazine, weekly radio guest, professional relationship counsellor and certified clinical neuropsychotherapy practitioner of TheConfidante Counselling. She is based on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland - Australia. You can contact her at: www.theconfidantecounselling.com or email HERE. Did you know Sophie Monk is going to be the new Bachelorette? No?… Who? Some of you are only vaguely aware the show even exists or who Sophie Monk is. Some knew the day it was announced and already speculated on what she’d be wearing.
Once again, is this going to be celebrity news getting far more air time than it’s really worth? Then again, here in Australia, there’s something else at play. READ ON for my latest blog on why the obsession... We really, really love our reality relationship shows. If you’re disputing this and you have an intense “unlike”, this does not apply to you. I bet you know someone who does though. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, The Seven Year Switch, Married At First Sight — every channel you surf, there’s another reality relationship show staring you down. Did I mention The Last Resort? This is the one where couples at rock bottom are sent on an intensive relationship Boot Camp to see if they can hold their relationship together. But why? Why is there such a large market in a country with such a relatively small population for such a specific niche? Why does watching other people’s relationships enthrall us so? It turns out there are a few reasons. From where I’m sitting in my tracky dacks those nights I’m not in the therapy room, they’re actually more interesting than the shows themselves. You’re sick of fighting. It’s a never ending merry-go-round of ‘He-said’, ‘She said’, ‘You did this’ and ‘You did that.’ Sound familiar? If it does, it might be time for you to flex your forgiveness muscle. I recently read a fascinating account about forgiveness. Matt Thiele, a prolific Queensland-based pastor, recounted personal stories he heard from survivors of concentration camps. He described the horrors these people faced yet what astounded him the most was their capacity to remain joyful and kind. “… one key difference (of these people) seems to be forgiveness. Whether or not they chose to forgive their enemies had a great deal to do with what followed in their lives. Those that chose anger and to hold their grudges seemed tortured their whole lives … Those that chose to forgive their persecutors, seemed to be able to move on.” Choosing not to forgive can be toxic – both to yourself and to your relationship. Dr Caroline Leaf states that numerous studies have shown that we when don’t forgive and revisit our memories of the supposed wrongdoing, a fear response is produced in our amygdala (the part of our brain responsible for our emotions). This response causes a release of stress hormones which increases our heart rate and blood pressure. If we keep holding on to our betrayals and anger, this response remains active, putting us at risk of developing stress-related illness both mentally and physically. Forgiving is not easy. Just like any other difficult task, you have to learn how to do it by putting in the time and effort. But for the sake of your own emotional well being, as well as that of your partner and ultimately, your relationship, do you think it’s worth it? A good starting point is to look at the ATTUNE acronym devised by Dan Yoshimoto. It has five basic tenets to help you build trust - a key in your ability to forgive and create a healthier YOU. This concept centres on you trying to understand things from your partner’s perspective while remain neutral - rather than defensive - in your responses. The ATTUNE philosophy is a great starting point but let’s keep going. I have five more fantastic tips to help you grow your ‘forgiveness muscle’: TOP FIVE FORGIVENESS TOOLS 1. Look Inwards, Practice Empathy Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can be such an easy thing to do - except when it comes to your partner! More often than not we feel more empathy for people we hardly know rather than the ones we hold dearest. When your forgiveness muscle is slack, simply ask yourself this: ‘How is he/she feeling right now?’, ‘Are they justified in their actions?’, and ‘What is my part in this?’ Answering all these questions will put in you in a clearer state of mind and help you on the path to forgiveness. 2. Switch Off The Nasty Voice We all have an inner voice and more often than not, it doesn’t play nicely. When we fight, its critical nature comes to the fore, spewing forth things like ‘He’s trying to manipulate you’ or ‘She’s twisting your words again’ or ‘Just ignore him. You’ll feel better that way’. All of this is counter-productive to forgiveness. Learning to switch off the nasty voice and replace it with a kinder one is paramount to moving forward and playing fairly. 3. Let It Go No, I’m not talking about that darn ‘ole Frozen song, I promise! But the sentiment is simple and true – rather than holding on to all the little things your partner has done in the past (and I know you know what I mean – that vast catalogue of their wrongdoings stored in your brain!), you must learn to leave it behind you. You will fight, that is human nature, but don’t hold onto the upsets. Work through the current issue and the forget it. Start fresh. 4. Ditch The Past Baggage Like it or not, your childhood plays a big part in the relationship you have with your partner. The way you grew up influences the person you are now. If you have difficult memories of childhood, this can impact on your current relationship. Perhaps you had a parent who used silence to let you know they were angry. Consequently, each time your partner is quiet, you find yourself wondering ‘What have I done?’, ‘Why are they punishing me?’ In reality, your partner may just be tired and having a quiet moment. But the baggage we bring to a relationship is always there so take the time to acknowledge this. Work out where your fear stems from, put it into context and evaluate your behaviour from this logical, rational standpoint. 5. Outcome When you’re in the thick of an argument, it’s very hard to ‘see the forest for the trees’. You lose track of the goal of being on the side same – a tenet of any good partnership – because you’re so concerned with winning. But for you to win, your partner has to lose. Is this the outcome you truly want? Focus instead on the goal of cooperation and commitment to forgiving and see if that leads you down a better road instead. Download your FREE 30 days to Relationship Respect HERE in honour of Marriage Week. Why don't you both check out our free Self Evaluation Quiz found on TheConfidante's App. DOWNLOAD OUR FREE GREAT "APP" for helpful tips to support you and your relationships at: http://TheConfidante.mobapp.at Stay motivated with our daily Facebook inspirations at: http://www.facebook.com/TheConfidanteCounselling Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast professional Counsellor and Psychotherapist with a keen interest in relationships and pre-marriage therapy. She is often found contributing through guest speaking invitations and has also produced her own books, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, The Relationship Rejuvenator E-Book and presented a series of relationship seminars. |
Joanne WilsonJoanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilised.
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Joanne will be your Confidante, enabling you to speak freely in complete confidence and serenity. An integrated approach tailored to your specific needs will be utilized. Approaches such as Psychobiological Approach to Couple's Therapy (PACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy may be incorporated.
Joanne WilsonRelationship Specialist for individuals and Couples online around the world and servicing areas for virtual sessions around Australia and servicing many clients in Queensland including Caloundra, Noosa, Noosaville, Buderim, Mountain Creek, Gympie.
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