SOOOOO HOW ABOUT THE WEATHER?

What when when you’ve hooked up, got hitched, produced heirs and been together for what feels like a thousand years? The kids have left home, (well, for now?) you’re out for a nice dinner and suddenly; you have nothing to talk about!
 
You know why: for the last couple of decades, any nights out were spent talking about all the things your darling cherubs have been up to, their amazing attributes and how they drove your crazy. Did you see that cute family drawing little Benny made featuring our ginormous ears? What about the time Ashlee decided to use crayon art work on the walls to make the house look pretty? All too soon it was, how do we stop Franny using SnapChat in her bedroom talking to that Jane? Do you really think John Boy took $20 from my wallet?
 
Now they’re out of home you realise you’ve got not much more than...
 
So … how about the weather?
 
Ugh.
 
There are lots of reasons couples stop talking. The most common is that the longer you know someone, the easier it is to not bother to “lean-in”, enquire and basically – talk.
 
At the start of the relationship you’ve got a few decades of information to catch up on. You stay up all night talking and exploring each other’s pasts and histories. The love drug oxytocin is flowing, eye contact is high and finding out what they were doing prior to a date is fresh and exciting information.
 
Then it’s one, five, ten, or twenty years later and you realise you’ve run out of content. You’ve lost the drive to explore. You know what they were doing before the date; they were getting ready.
 
You know.
 
Because you were there.
 
Ugh.
 
Now in most cases, this lack of exploration isn’t actually about losing interest in the other person (and when it is … well, that’s a whole other article); it’s just that neither person can honestly think of what to ask. They just need a little push in the right direction.
 
So push I shall! Here are some tips for reigniting conversation when your communication has run dry and it’s about the past, present and future:
 
Revisit the Past
 
This might be your shared history, or your individual upbringings. Recall those vivid memories of your best moments; maybe it was a whirlwind holiday across multiple countries, or just the first time you curled up on the couch together during a thunderstorm and watch TV.
 
Why not pull out all the old photos from childhood and laugh at your ridiculous hairstyles and parent’s fashion choices from when you were 10 years old. That never gets old and it helps add a few bricks to your “safe relationship” house by sharing memories.
 
 Discuss the little things
 Don’t ever forget the small stuff. See something interesting? Point it out. See a puppy? Ask your partner if they know who the good boy is. Talk about why you never got a dog as a child or why you might like to be a wildlife volunteer one day.
 
Remember my previous article about the importance of acknowledging your spouse’s “bids” for emotional connection? It’s the little things in life that may not necessarily be the most profound conversation topic, but the most frequent. These momentary touches of connection have a greater impact than you realise.
 
Discuss Difficult Things
 You know what everyone has at some stage? Fears, concerns, and perceived shortcomings. You know what’s great? Discussing them with your partner. It can be hugely mutually beneficial to not just air your worries, but get feedback and reassurance.
 
Honest feedback also goes under this umbrella. Nobody gets anywhere if you spend your relationship assuring each other that everything’s fine, when really you wished that the other person would just, for once, chew with their mouth closed. All you achieve is getting riled up and one day exploding in frustration.
 
Contemplate the Future
Is there a plan for your next five years of togetherness? Do you have interesting short-term personal goals to share?
 
Happy couples discuss their futures. Making sure you both have complementing plans can prevent a lot of drama.
 
“I thought we were travelling the world on a sailing boat?”
“But I always wanted to settle down on a farm!”
Might want to sort that.
 
So that’s just a start! There’s world events, community involvement, the environment, politics, sport and the arts. The key is emotional attentiveness – that is, turn toward your partner and make an effort! You just never know where a little communication lubrication might lead to.
 
You wouldn’t be the first couple to run out of content so there’s “something I prepared earlier” - Use these Conversation Starters for families or couples. Listen in for my fun chat with the breakfast radio team providing a preview on these weekly articles each Friday morning on Salt106.5 radio.
 
Joanne Wilson is a Sunshine Coast professional Counsellor and Neuropsychotherapist and feature relationships columnist for the Sunshine Coast Daily, weekly radio guest for Salt 106.5  and enjoys inspiring the community through  guest speaking invitations and producing her own books, Pearls of Wisdom from the Thriving Thirties, The Relationship Rejuvenator E-Book.

Contact Jo on 0409 909 933 or [email protected]. 

Christmas Day is approaching! A time of love, of compassion, of togetherness … and very often, of barely constrained arguments. The stress of getting everything organised is rising and the expectations to deliver a great day are high. It can be bad enough for people to deal with their own families some times, but throw in the partner’s family? That’s where the real nightmares can begin.
 
Despite Christmas being something most Australians celebrate, we all do so differently. Everyone has their own traditions, quirky rituals and beliefs. They become our culture since childhood, and for most people, these are the only traditions they know until adulthood.

Then you meet someone, fall in love, and spend Christmas with a completely different family for the first time.
 
Sometimes it’s fine.
 
Sometimes it’s fine for a few years then… it’s not.
 
It might be something small, like when the main meal of the day is, or when presents are unwrapped, or how to decorate. But it can also be big, cultural differences where the very nature of the day seems very strange and foreign.
 
Any challenge to our existing beliefs, whatever they may be, can be a bit hard to take. But Christmas? Christmas is one of the biggest events of the year! Being confronted by, and learning to accept, a completely alien way of celebrating can be a pretty big challenge.
 
Keep in mind, we’re not just talking about catching up with the in-laws for lunch or dinner. We’re talking about spending time with the whole family of eclectic people you'd never choose for your inner circle. It's also about being completely submerged in a different way of celebrating the big day.
 
So how do you survive? How do you make it out alive without starting an argument you’ll inevitably regret? Read on for my top tips for cheerful and harmonious festive season:
​

Ever had a conversation with someone you wish went differently?  Ever avoided saying what you really feel because you’re afraid of how they will react?

I had the opportunity to present this “gutsy” topic to a College Leadership Group recently so here are our insights from the day.

Difficult conversations are conversations with other individuals where there may be differences of opinion or the topic is confronting and life changing.  Feelings and emotions potentially run high, and the stakes are large.

Such difficult conversations are a natural part of life. It is likely that we will all encounter these situations multiple times during our lives so why not practise refining your approach NOW!

Difficult topics could be sex, sexual orientation, masturbation, drugs, alcohol, academic difficulties, mental challenges, getting pregnant or not getting pregnant, work and money.   

Ways we often find ourselves dealing with Difficult Conversations are to:

• delay it 
  
• avoid it all together
  
• text it
  
• use inappropriate online “Apps”, sometimes using an anonymous approach 
  
• use Distractions such as the TV, work or screens in their various forms!
  

What about secrets?  People often keep secrets in fear, guilt or shame. These are things we hide and are afraid to have known.  Secrets are different to seeking a trusted person to confide in for support.

The Disadvantages of keeping certain secrets and NOT having certain conversations that might be difficult are:

• Drain and sap our strength
  
• Neuroscience proves it exacerbates stress on your brain
  
• They can isolate us (you are secretly isolated)
  
• No matter how much you avoid them they eventually SEEP out through the cracks, evident in unusual behaviour,         anger, bitterness, hurt or cynicism
  
• They create shame and guilt
  
• Create blurry boundaries about what it true and what is not
  

We are created “relational” beings, so have courage not to journey alone and take this thoughtful approach to your next Difficult Conversation.

Here’s my handy MAP to help to scroll down and navigate your journey to approach Difficult Conversations, entitled 
 “MAP TO BE FOOL PROOF on DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS” – Look forward to your feedback!  
(Download the PDF from your mobile device or here below from your PC).